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Original poster

Chatting with a chap and he said-

163 replies

Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:20

So I’ve been chatting with a chap, very casual, I’m not long out of a long term relationship and definitely not in the right head space for anything other than extremely casual.

Anyway, we had been chatting yesterday about Christmas movies and music. I made a joke that I bet he loves Cliff Richard’s tunes. Just nice banter.

Tonight I saw a post on fb about Cliff bringing a new Christmas album out. So I screenshotted and sent it to the chap.
His response was “you’ll be getting a slap 😉😉”

I said, a what now? He proceeded to make a joke of it, several messages later he admitted he had been a dick, apologised, said he knows better.

I’m seriously put off by this remark.
Am I over reacting? I know that some people do say this, but surely to
people they know well enough to know that they are joking?

OP posts:
DesertIslandCondiment · 05/12/2022 21:19

bellinirocks · 05/12/2022 20:50

I took it to mean a slap on the bum - as in something abit cheeky ?!hence the 😉😉

I thought this rather than a full on punch in the face.

A little pretend slap on the wrist maybe.

He probably was very confused why they were talking about Cliff Richard.

DesertIslandCondiment · 05/12/2022 23:12

I've actually had a really abusive partner in the past but have been with my lovely DH for nearly 20 years. I can see the difference between a joke and the abusive talk.

Pinkbonbon · 06/12/2022 02:05

Overfamiliarity. And poor taste.

Maybe you could make a 'joke' like that with soneone who has known you years and knows you aren't aggressive but it's not an ok thing to say to a new person you are dating.

The red flag is the overfamiliarity. But yes, it is also arguably a red flag to joke about violence.

Just because you might say it to your partner in hest, doesn't make it ok to say to a near stranger. Either he ignores respectful normal boundaries or he was testing you to see if you'd tolerate it.

Anyone with common sense knows how dangerous the world is for women and how much shit they have to be on their guard of when dating so why the fuck would they joke about slapping her? He's either a moron or a dickhead.

It most certainly is a red flag.
Trust your gut.

Twilight7777 · 06/12/2022 02:18

bellinirocks · 05/12/2022 20:50

I took it to mean a slap on the bum - as in something abit cheeky ?!hence the 😉😉

That’s exactly how I took it too.

Ydkiml · 06/12/2022 12:47

Totally agree with Pinkbonbon . Well said . Exactly my thoughts on it too

MasterBeth · 06/12/2022 19:47

It was a joke. A joke about slapping you. Huge red flag for me.

supercali77 · 06/12/2022 22:10

Banter yes, but my initial reaction would be to boot whoever said it in the balls. Its overfamiliar and a bit cocky

emilydickinsonscat · 07/12/2022 00:35

Pinkbonbon · 06/12/2022 02:05

Overfamiliarity. And poor taste.

Maybe you could make a 'joke' like that with soneone who has known you years and knows you aren't aggressive but it's not an ok thing to say to a new person you are dating.

The red flag is the overfamiliarity. But yes, it is also arguably a red flag to joke about violence.

Just because you might say it to your partner in hest, doesn't make it ok to say to a near stranger. Either he ignores respectful normal boundaries or he was testing you to see if you'd tolerate it.

Anyone with common sense knows how dangerous the world is for women and how much shit they have to be on their guard of when dating so why the fuck would they joke about slapping her? He's either a moron or a dickhead.

It most certainly is a red flag.
Trust your gut.

Spot on.

Spidey66 · 07/12/2022 09:10

supercali77 · 06/12/2022 22:10

Banter yes, but my initial reaction would be to boot whoever said it in the balls. Its overfamiliar and a bit cocky

Oh the irony!

shasha21 · 07/12/2022 09:17

Obviously was a joke and your reaction would be more of a red flag to me personally than his joke - I’d be worried you’d be one of those people who took everything way too seriously, wanted to be offended a lot, and couldn’t have a laugh.

Ydkiml · 07/12/2022 17:50

Sasha21 . It’s not obvious it was a joke at all ! You don’t know and neither do I . It could of been a test to see how she reacts . We don’t know but I do know I’d be wary because of his inappropriate comment and I’ve got a great sense of humour Thankyou 😁

Choconut · 07/12/2022 18:01

Ydkiml · 07/12/2022 17:50

Sasha21 . It’s not obvious it was a joke at all ! You don’t know and neither do I . It could of been a test to see how she reacts . We don’t know but I do know I’d be wary because of his inappropriate comment and I’ve got a great sense of humour Thankyou 😁

It really is when they are two winky faces after it. If the two winky faces weren't there then it would obviously be a very disturbing statement. The two winky faces make it very clear that it is a joke.
If banter about slapping your bum upsets you OP then that is fair enough. It's up to you if you're ok with banter like that at this point or not.

beatsin8s · 07/12/2022 18:28

Spidey66 · 07/12/2022 09:10

Oh the irony!

Show quote history

I know!

Mercyovermerit · 07/12/2022 18:30

LBFseBrom · 05/12/2022 00:32

I doubt he meant it literally!

Same here. Sounds like someone saying “ you’ll be getting a kick in the butts “ jokingly, obviously.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2022 19:22

A relationship between one party who uses the word 'chap' and one party who thinks 'you'll be getting a slap' is funny, is never going to work.

Original poster
Shallysally · 07/12/2022 21:29

shasha21 · 07/12/2022 09:17

Obviously was a joke and your reaction would be more of a red flag to me personally than his joke - I’d be worried you’d be one of those people who took everything way too seriously, wanted to be offended a lot, and couldn’t have a laugh.

I’m not easily offended and my sense of humour is just fine thanks.
The point of my post is the fact that this remark was, IMO, over familiar at this stage of chatting.
It’s entirely different if I know a person well and they know my humour and I theirs.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 07/12/2022 21:58

The winks suggest to me that he was sounding you out to see if you were into spanking etc. If so, you might have responded with something more flirty.
Personally I think it's good when people do get some innuendo into messages early on, because then you are getting useful information about whether you'd be compatible. We don't all want the same things or people ; best to find out early on if you're suited.

Original poster
Shallysally · 08/12/2022 00:14

@DivorcedAndDelighted before we had even met though? That’s not for me. I know we are all different. After a meet and we know we like each other in person then yes maybe, but not before for me.

OP posts:
YouAreEntitledToMyOpinion · 08/12/2022 07:51

I'd take it as a joke and get to know him better. If he keeps saying inappropriate things then use your judgement and get rid, but I would not dump on that one comment.

TiAmoTiAmo · 08/12/2022 07:54

@YouAreEntitledToMyOpinion I adore your name! 😂

DesertIslandCondiment · 08/12/2022 08:27

Shallysally · 08/12/2022 00:14

@DivorcedAndDelighted before we had even met though? That’s not for me. I know we are all different. After a meet and we know we like each other in person then yes maybe, but not before for me.

You're not for each other.

Just don't see him again.

You definitely have different sense of humours. I mean you say 'Chap' and talk about Cliff Richard. He probably thinks your sense of humour is weird.

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 08:28

I don’t think he meant anything by it, I’m sure he didn’t mean it literally. He’s apologised as he realised you found it offensive. I don’t see any red flags

80s · 08/12/2022 09:55

This is one reason I never texted anyone for long without meeting them. You're communicating as if you know one another - poking fun at his taste in music as if this is an old buddy - but really you have so little idea of what he's really like that you have no clue what his reaction to your banter means.
I tried a similar fun-poking comment about a guy online once, and he was offended. No wonder, as he didn't know me. After that I kept pre-date texting short and simple. Even when you've met someone several times in real life, you don't normally start bantering with them straight away, do you, in case they take it wrong.

YouAreEntitledToMyOpinion · 08/12/2022 12:44

TiAmoTiAmo · 08/12/2022 07:54

@YouAreEntitledToMyOpinion I adore your name! 😂

Thank you @TiAmoTiAmo 😀

Original poster
Shallysally · 08/12/2022 18:26

@DesertIslandCondiment you’ve made that assumption based on two factors? Ok then 🤨

OP posts: