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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chatting with a chap and he said-

163 replies

Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:20

So I’ve been chatting with a chap, very casual, I’m not long out of a long term relationship and definitely not in the right head space for anything other than extremely casual.

Anyway, we had been chatting yesterday about Christmas movies and music. I made a joke that I bet he loves Cliff Richard’s tunes. Just nice banter.

Tonight I saw a post on fb about Cliff bringing a new Christmas album out. So I screenshotted and sent it to the chap.
His response was “you’ll be getting a slap 😉😉”

I said, a what now? He proceeded to make a joke of it, several messages later he admitted he had been a dick, apologised, said he knows better.

I’m seriously put off by this remark.
Am I over reacting? I know that some people do say this, but surely to
people they know well enough to know that they are joking?

OP posts:
Celia24 · 05/12/2022 14:13

winteriscoming2022 · 05/12/2022 05:22

We all know he didn't actually mean he was going to slap OP right at that time.
However it was an act that came into his mind
If any of my male or female friends sent something similar to me (or to my son, daughter,father or brothers/ sisters) none of us would think of responding in this way, a slap is not something that would enter our heads
What even is a 'joke' anyway? Isn't it supposed to be something said that causes amusement? I wonder what sort of woman would be amused?
Yuk

Exactly. Don't play this down OP - get rid.

pimlicoanna · 05/12/2022 14:15

I'd be much more put off by someone joking I'd like a Cliff Richard album to be honest.

dogmandu · 05/12/2022 14:24

It would bother me that it's even in his repertoire

2bazookas · 05/12/2022 14:30

"I bet you love Cliff Richard’s tunes" is not just banter , it's a loaded remark about his taste/judgement. Then you did it again.

VejaVagVagina · 05/12/2022 14:31

It was joke.

You said his remark put you off and then later say you thought it was a joke...

imnottoofussed · 05/12/2022 14:39

Honestly, it's a harmless bit of a jokey comment.

Some of the reactions on this thread just baffle me.

I mean come on "he's told you who he is. Believe him"

I've literally never hit anyone in my life but I've probably said "you'll get a crack in a minute" more times than I can remember.

Suprima · 05/12/2022 14:41

dogmandu · 05/12/2022 14:24

It would bother me that it's even in his repertoire

Exactly

i think people are missing the point hugely. I seriously doubt he is a violent menace- but coarse and a shit conversationalist, which would give me the ick. I’d be embarrassed to take him anywhere if that’s his banter.

a common, ‘joke’ saying it is- but none of my friends have ever said it and my husband and I don’t make jokes about hitting/slapping each other either.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 14:49

imnottoofussed · 05/12/2022 14:39

Honestly, it's a harmless bit of a jokey comment.

Some of the reactions on this thread just baffle me.

I mean come on "he's told you who he is. Believe him"

I've literally never hit anyone in my life but I've probably said "you'll get a crack in a minute" more times than I can remember.

My favourite is "I'll smash your face in" Grin

FloydPepper · 05/12/2022 14:55

Do the “this is problematic“ posters have an issue when someone posts jokingly about putting their partner under the patio? I presume not as I’ve not seen anyone object.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2022 14:57

FloydPepper · 05/12/2022 14:55

Do the “this is problematic“ posters have an issue when someone posts jokingly about putting their partner under the patio? I presume not as I’ve not seen anyone object.

Do you want the list of ways this differs;

Men kill women with horrifying regularity
The man isn't actually there to hear the comment so it isn't threatening
It's almost always said in LT relationships where it's clear there is no violence
I can't be bothered playing chess with pigeons...

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 14:58

Thing is, if in your relationship you enjoy domestic violence banter and it works for you, that’s fine. Doesn’t float my boat but whatever.

OP clearly doesn’t like it and that’s also fine! It’s a reasonable boundary to draw. She doesn’t owe this chap (I’m laughing at “chap”, when did someone last refer to a man as a chap?) anything, they’ve had some conversation, he’s revealed a sick sense of humour she’s uncomfortable with, good place to end it there.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/12/2022 15:01

Sunnytwobridges · 05/12/2022 12:48

So I say this a lot but only to close friends/dp. But that’s after knowing someone for a while, and they even start saying it back to me and it’s all good.

However if I’m chatting/texting with someone I just met from OLD it would put me off a little. As to me it’s acting too comfortable or familiar when we barely know each other.

Yes, this. It's a really stupid thing to say to someone you don't know very well and have no idea if they have a history of violent trauma.

And in that, it shows that he's very unaware of his male privilege and the violence that women and girls face daily.

So it would put me off someone, definitely. I might give them a chance if they made an apology which showed they had actually reflected and understood, rather than just a "Sorry if I upset you" non-apology.

DesertIslandCondiment · 05/12/2022 15:14

It is up to you to be put off but it was a joke.

Me and my DH might say that to each other but in 20 years he has never slapped me.

A PP did say it does mean you haven't got the same sense of humour so I would probably not bother carrying it further.

You were pretty harsh accusing him of liking Cliff Richard though.

PearlclutchersInc · 05/12/2022 15:17

Where do you live...is it a local expression? I remember that sort of a remark being made in a jokey fashion. It was with people who knew each other very well though.

If it made you uncomfortable, maybe time to consider your options.

FloydPepper · 05/12/2022 15:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2022 14:57

Do you want the list of ways this differs;

Men kill women with horrifying regularity
The man isn't actually there to hear the comment so it isn't threatening
It's almost always said in LT relationships where it's clear there is no violence
I can't be bothered playing chess with pigeons...

Show quote history

So a man joking about violence is a likely abuser, and a woman joking about violence is ok because it’s different

ok. Understood.

fwiw I think neither are particularly great

helloimnew123 · 05/12/2022 15:25

Seriously!? It's obviously a joke.

Do him a favour and end it. You obviously can dish out banter but can't take it.

Spidey66 · 05/12/2022 15:29

I think it was just a joke. Have people seriously not said things like ''Oh I could kill you'' in a jokey way to someone? You don't expect to be arrested for threats to kill do you?

Original poster
Shallysally · 05/12/2022 15:31

Opentooffers · 05/12/2022 12:42

Banter is inherently taking the piss out of someone as a 'joke'. It's a cheap form of humour unless the aim is flirtyness. If the same subject is rehashed and the point is laboured its to encourage a reaction.
You stuck to the same theme with Cliff, over a period of time until he reacted, and now after goading him, you don't like the reaction. He's sensible enough that he gets he overstepped by what he said. But that's the problem with banter that goes on too long, it ramps up back and forth until a line is crossed. That's why a tad of banter might be OK, but prolonging the same theme of banter is always going to end up hurting someone's feelings.
What were you trying to say about him with the continuing Cliff 'joke' really? That he has crap taste in music? That he's older than you? That he's old fashioned? None of which are complimentary really, so I think you've had a hand in this occurring.

Thanks for this opinion @Opentooffers. Although it was literally two or three messages prior to me mentioning it again.

I wasn’t trying to say anything about his taste in music, it was just a shared joke.

OP posts:
MadameMackenzie · 05/12/2022 16:35

The fact that he can even joke about assaulting a woman, worries me. I don't care how many people role their eyes at me saying this, it's just NOT something to joke about

WishIhadacrystalball · 05/12/2022 16:40

How boring so many people are on here 🤯
Its a joke, banter, he probably expected you to fire back with a witty response.

MadameMackenzie · 05/12/2022 16:42

*roll their eyes

Harper02 · 05/12/2022 16:42

Hahaha. You are overreacting!

WishIhadacrystalball · 05/12/2022 16:49

MadameMackenzie · 05/12/2022 16:42

*roll their eyes

Posted comment before I had even got to yours so wasn’t actually aimed at you though you do fit the profile!

Chatting with a chap and he said-
DesertIslandCondiment · 05/12/2022 16:52

I think we should just stop joking about anything. All comedians should definitely be banned.

Then there is no fear that anybody will be offended ever.

😂

Harper02 · 05/12/2022 16:53

DesertIslandCondiment · 05/12/2022 16:52

I think we should just stop joking about anything. All comedians should definitely be banned.

Then there is no fear that anybody will be offended ever.

😂

🤣🤣

Isn't it just bloody ridiculous?