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Original poster

Any successful swinging couples ?

133 replies

hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 19:53

Hi, name changed to try and protect myself..
I'm basically wondering what rules you have and how do you stay honest and not get annoyed at each other?
So ... married DH about 5 years ago. We are both in our late 40's and both very open.
We have been to a few swingers clubs and really enjoyed ourselves. We also had the agreement that if a spontaneous attraction occurred with someone we had a hall pass. With the agreement we would inform the other asap.

We are great friends and have a fabulous time together. All our kids get on fabulously too.
At the moment I'm peri menopausal so not that interested in sex with other men.
I like the intimacy with my partner

He's now had 5 'attractions' over the past 4 years- which I was mainly informed of after the fact - I was aware of 1 of them before hand and that is honestly the only one I am ok with. I was fully included in the conversation they had and it made all the difference.
I have explained to him that I feel like he has pushed my boundaries time after time - he has listened to me and taken it into account but I feel like he is sometimes like a child with a toy and gets carried away.
The stupid thing is that - as looks go- I am very good looking with a great body. If I wanted to I'd be in huge demand - but there is no way I'd want to have sex with a man just to take 'revenge' on my DH!

But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now.
But I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - and what agreements you have in place. Apart from the obvious honesty and keep talking bit.

If you've never had a swinging relationship please can you refrain from responding ? Thank you.

OP posts:
Dreammakerflower · 04/12/2022 20:47

Me and my fella are swingers, our agreement from the start is to Keep everything open, always play together with others and just have fun.

We especially enjoy swinging clubs, obviously us woman get more attention than the other half would get.

GyozaGuiting · 04/12/2022 20:52

It doesn’t sound like swinging if he’s just privately going after others? Sorry if I’ve misread your post.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 20:52

@Dreammakerflower thank you for your reply!!
I think that's the best course for us too. I'm not sure if it's because I feel I've lost 'control' (maybe I need some form of control to keep me calm) when he has a meet with a woman -when I'm not there and wasn't in the know - because I would feel just as shit if he went round for a cuppa(and spent quality time with her) and not even the shag part of it !

OP posts:
Batiqueattic · 04/12/2022 20:53

If you only find out about it afterwards, that isn't swinging. As we define it anyway.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:00

@Batiqueattic
I know I feel the same tbh. I feel like he is constantly on the prowl for meets for us. He has listened to me as he knows im just not up for meeting other fellas at the moment so he thinks an ideal meet is where he meets with a couple and shags the wife (where she is a little bit sub abd he can play dom) and I can go too...
and I'm like nah... I'd rather you went alone.

OP posts:
Dreammakerflower · 04/12/2022 21:02

Yup I know exactly what you mean by losin control. I think it would be easy for my fella to get carried away if I didn't keep a strict rules.

The only downfall to our situation is; he being a typical man (sorry to offend any man reading this) would want to "play" with any woman at a swinger club that gives him attention but he forgets that it's a 4 way attractions so I may not be attracted to the woman's bf. So it can become abit awkward lol.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:14

@Dreammakerflower
OMG this completely! Thank you for sharing.
So basically I need to domme up a bit. Tell him what is and what isn't happening.
I honestly think if he could have wangled it with them he would have had a 3some with 2 girls we know this weekend ( I was working away )
And me and him haven't even had a 3some yet.. and one of the girls is someone we know and we had all discussed this being a possibility for the 3 of us.. so I feel like he would have jumped the gun if he would've had half a chance so to speak.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/12/2022 21:28

A successful open relationship isn’t about “domming up” but more about being consistent and saying what you mean (and meaning what you say.) It sounds as though your boundaries and rules are unclear. You say in your OP that if an attraction takes place you’re each free to pursue that without specifically asking permission beforehand as long as you tell the other afterwards; but then you say you don’t like that he initiated something on five occasions and you didn’t find out until afterwards. If you actually would rather he specifically asked permission then you need to have that as a rule and acknowledge that the “hall pass” arrangement isn’t working for you even if you’d like it to in an ideal world. If you’ve never explicitly said that he isn’t to try to arrange a threesome which doesn’t involve you / before you’ve had one together then it’s somewhat unreasonable to be annoyed at him for trying.

We aren’t swingers in the sense of going out to clubs to meet other couples, but have an open relationship. In the past, I thought it was “easiest” to have as few rules as possible so as not to complicate things; and then got upset when DH had sex with somebody who I really didn’t like very much (which is my main boundary: if I think a woman is a bit of a dick then I’d prefer my husband not to put his dick in her.) I expected him to realise that and make a sensible decision! And then I realised that it’s unreasonable of me to expect him to be a mind reader. He wasn’t thinking about whether I’d like her or not because I’d never indicated that he should.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/12/2022 21:31

DP and I are swingers
we no longer do anything separately after our relationship became more serious and now only do things together. We have a swinging meet about once a month or less so it's not a huge part of our sex life but it's an important one.
he's not being honest with you though and that's what fucks it. Total honesty about what you want to do and what you don't want it vital. You've got to be able to say no with no questions asked.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:33

@ComtesseDeSpair
Yes this is really sensible - however much I don't want rules and however much I'd love for me to be ok with him spending quality time with other women - I'm basically not. We have even had this discussion and I know I'm guilty of it.
You've made some good points - thank you for this.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 04/12/2022 21:35

There are thousands of couples like you on fab/similar. It's essentially the man cheating and the woman pretending he isn't because they are 'swingers'.
What's happened to your sex drive? Have you tried hrt? Women? Leaving your partner? My guess is that one of those options will spark it up again.
I'm sorry he's a dick.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2022 21:42

I am sure you don’t want to hear this from me but you are not in a “swinging relationship” you are simply with a cheater

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:44

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
Yes it's the lack of honesty- that he doesn't tell me beforehand- that I am presented with a fait accompli. It just feels shit - we've discussed it - I hope it won't happen again.

OP posts:
Usernameisunavailable · 04/12/2022 21:46

Was just about to say the same as AnyFucker. How is it swinging if only one of you is having ‘attractions’? Sounds like you’re just putting up with a serial cheat who doesn’t respect whatever boundaries or agreements you have in place. More fool you.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:47

@ArcticSkewer
Hiya, I am blaming my lack of sex drive (towards other men) on peri menopause and a bit of stress with work.
My sex with him is absolutely fine and at least 4- 5 times a week.
I'm not hugely into women tbh.

OP posts:
Dreammakerflower · 04/12/2022 21:52

hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 21:14

@Dreammakerflower
OMG this completely! Thank you for sharing.
So basically I need to domme up a bit. Tell him what is and what isn't happening.
I honestly think if he could have wangled it with them he would have had a 3some with 2 girls we know this weekend ( I was working away )
And me and him haven't even had a 3some yet.. and one of the girls is someone we know and we had all discussed this being a possibility for the 3 of us.. so I feel like he would have jumped the gun if he would've had half a chance so to speak.

Yeah literally stick to the rules that you are comfortable with. You gotta have boundaries otherwise they'll be throwing their (private) around left, right and centre lol.

I think men in general get so excited in the swinging world, especially when their in a couple as it's probably easier for them to get Laid with others. My fella is like a kid (he's Def not young lol) in a candy store if I didn't lay down the law lol

Dreammakerflower · 04/12/2022 21:55

Oh a side note; anyone been to xtasia club? Wondering whether it's worth traveling too

ArcticSkewer · 04/12/2022 21:56

So you have a perfectly fine sex drive but aren't into swinging? Welcome to 95% of women.
Did you used to enjoy swinging and orgasm with other men?
How he is behaving is disrespectful and not how most swingers would understand swinging. I see it all the time though. At least you are not there, pretending to orgasm and having performative sex to turn him on. Hopefully it was once a better more authentic experience for you, and if you want it to, will be again. But perhaps you don't feel secure in your relationship - and no surprise if you don't.

ArcticSkewer · 04/12/2022 21:58

btw if you are not hugely into women then what is the point of the threesome?

PinkButtercups · 04/12/2022 22:01

AnyFucker · 04/12/2022 21:42

I am sure you don’t want to hear this from me but you are not in a “swinging relationship” you are simply with a cheater

This.

mdh2020 · 04/12/2022 22:33

Sorry, but we knew two couples who were swingers and in the end their marriages broke up.

July70 · 23/12/2022 09:37

We are not "swingers" as such. We have threesomes and not had any for about 6 months.
The current dH brought this up soon after we wed. Though he wont admit it I think he knew I missed my well-built ex and this one is an average plus.

We were watching a hols show on tv and nudist beach mentioned he said we need to try it, lol. I dared him and week after mid week we went to kent, sunny day, a handful of men there and one lady - he dared me to go nude and I said you first, he did, I took off top, then everything - it was easy as some dunes there - guys came over we talked and took it from there

Then DH signed us up to Fab/S - we've had a few guys at our place and been to Eureka a few years ago but it is always one other bloke and he watches and at time I tell him and that is a turn on for him and me. TBH, I don't tell him how much I enjoy and let myself go hen he is not there ut we have good fun later and it makes him very happy.

His reules, he finds a guy for me in their mid 20's to 30, well built etc but he has only allowed a 2nd meet with one guy as I think he is the jealous type and fears I may fall for them which is a possibility, so I agree with him

so no social meets, meals etc - just say we will start off me getting a massage and it quickly builds from there.

If it was up to dH, he'd want us to meet a guy a few times a week but with coid/flu and all that, its a no and we both know that

What we both fear is meeting one of the many blokes we have met at a wedding/mall etc but as we are Indian and I only meet EU or Turk/Greek for a reason, it is highly unlikely we will see them in our circles of social events.

We have never posted our face pics or shared with anyone on Fab/etc and it works for us

DH is sensible as when I get carried away I am prepared to take risks ie no condom but he is there and when he is not, I can't cheat on him and or risk that

It works for us but more for him, 24/7 almost but for me I enjoy it as much as him when he is not there but shy to admit it.

July70 · 23/12/2022 10:37

I can't edit my post just want to add that my DH is a "Cuk" Cuckold and he is proud of it. He is not interested in other women other than me and so this is not 2swinging" I guess but known on sites as "cuckold.

CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 12:05

Reading with interest but trying to understand at the same time how people deal with their emotions seeing their partner with another person. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry (I mean in regards to my partner). Also what makes people want to go into swinging. Is it boredom in the relationship? Are there any other motives? But then what happens if this is no longer exciting either. Sorry if I sound naive but I am very traditional in this sense but in the other side I find it fascinating 🤭😁

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/12/2022 12:23

CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 12:05

Reading with interest but trying to understand at the same time how people deal with their emotions seeing their partner with another person. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry (I mean in regards to my partner). Also what makes people want to go into swinging. Is it boredom in the relationship? Are there any other motives? But then what happens if this is no longer exciting either. Sorry if I sound naive but I am very traditional in this sense but in the other side I find it fascinating 🤭😁

For us we don't feel jealousy or upset when in a group situation as we are there together. We have done separate stuff before but it stopped being fun so we don't do that now. The fun of being in a group is being together and doing new things together - and also knowing you can have fun with someone new in a safe and emotionally enjoyable way.
We started because we thought it would be fun, which it is. We both like sex and experimental stuff and both have had many partners so it's quite a normal thing for us but I'll be honest and say it was weird the first time but I was hooked!!
If It stopped being fun for either of us we wouldn't do it. We had a break recently because my partner was worried about his health but he's fine now :)