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Original poster

Any successful swinging couples ?

133 replies

hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 19:53

Hi, name changed to try and protect myself..
I'm basically wondering what rules you have and how do you stay honest and not get annoyed at each other?
So ... married DH about 5 years ago. We are both in our late 40's and both very open.
We have been to a few swingers clubs and really enjoyed ourselves. We also had the agreement that if a spontaneous attraction occurred with someone we had a hall pass. With the agreement we would inform the other asap.

We are great friends and have a fabulous time together. All our kids get on fabulously too.
At the moment I'm peri menopausal so not that interested in sex with other men.
I like the intimacy with my partner

He's now had 5 'attractions' over the past 4 years- which I was mainly informed of after the fact - I was aware of 1 of them before hand and that is honestly the only one I am ok with. I was fully included in the conversation they had and it made all the difference.
I have explained to him that I feel like he has pushed my boundaries time after time - he has listened to me and taken it into account but I feel like he is sometimes like a child with a toy and gets carried away.
The stupid thing is that - as looks go- I am very good looking with a great body. If I wanted to I'd be in huge demand - but there is no way I'd want to have sex with a man just to take 'revenge' on my DH!

But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now.
But I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - and what agreements you have in place. Apart from the obvious honesty and keep talking bit.

If you've never had a swinging relationship please can you refrain from responding ? Thank you.

OP posts:
CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 12:34

CloseYourEyes... Thank you, very interesting. I'm glad you're both enjoying it and are exactly on the same page. Both myself and my partner are very traditional and on top of that I'm also the jealous type (unfortunately!) so it's definitely not for us but like I said I'm very intrigued by couples who are into it successfully ☺️

Saturdaynoon · 24/12/2022 12:48

I thought I was part of a swinging couple, even if it was more talk than action. It turned out that I had just been terribly manipulated into a position where I was expected to watch and tolerate my stbxh lusting after and trying to have sex with other women. Waking up from this has been horrendous.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself,OP.

CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 13:01

I think I am honest with myself. I'm interested in other people doing it or their motives as I find it intriguing but I know for sure it's not for me.

Wanderingoff · 24/12/2022 13:09

So you don’t want to have sex with other men and you don’t want your husband to have sex with other men?

you’re not a swinger OP.

it sounds like you’re being bullied into thinking you should be comfortable with something you’re not. Frankly I think swinging is massively dysfunctional and very grim. So to me it’s odd that you feel uncomfortable about being uncomfortable.

as some posters have shown though - there are some people who are comfortable with it and fair play to them. But that really doesn’t sound like you op.

i think you’re just with a manipulative man who is cheating on you

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/12/2022 13:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/12/2022 13:16

CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 13:01

I think I am honest with myself. I'm interested in other people doing it or their motives as I find it intriguing but I know for sure it's not for me.

The Sex forum is probably a better place to explore / ask questions on this topic. You get broader responses which aren’t masked by relationship issues - which is what the OP of this thread essentially has. She’s married to a man who appears to be manipulating her into making her agree to what he wants and making her feel bad for feeling uncomfortable about it; and she isn’t/ doesn’t feel able to communicate about it properly.

CaramelMacchiatto · 24/12/2022 13:27

I never said I was a swinger or wanted to be one. I just read OPs post and replies with interest as I find it interesting.

July70 · 24/12/2022 13:48

As per my post. DH loves it and says its better than him having sex with me.
I think he would get jealous a tad if he knew I held myself back with the stranger when he was present and went wild at times when he is not there. Sadly, he is there all of the time now and because of covid/flu/monkeypox/etc/etc, we have not met anyone couple of months etc.

DH also shares pics of me on FS and on a very rare occasion I read the replies and its nice but rarely do this

I was not for it becuse in the back of my mind DH would say that I like a bigger... etc,etc but I am surprised and a bit confused why he gets turned on so much seeing me with another big bloke as if I saw DH with another woman, it would do nothing for me other than some jealousy

We have to be very careful as we are Indian and I do fear of meeting someone that has worked with me but DH now shows me their pic.

Ideally I want a very early 20's guy for obvious reasons but DH said no and I agree as younger guys brag a lot so not worth the risk. The other thing is that every bloke I've/we have met, the vasy majority say they are single on their profile but often fess up when asked before the meet or during our time together. I did feel bad once but no one is forcing them and most are ready to go for anyhting judging by their profile and thats sad.

So, I was weary, not sure etc and even know hesitate when hubby suggests as its almost always a new, fit guy, once we meet, I love it and more so if DH is not there but can't say that.

If anyone is too emmbarassed to ask her, feel free to pm me. If you are not sure about doing this, build up like we did and things just took off.

July70 · 24/12/2022 13:50

The comments aimed at another poster by another here "you are not a swinger," - I'm pretty surey hubby calls himself a "cuk" yo me it is swinging and I'm happy to do a couple but DH feels he will let the other lady down so we don't. But I would not want to see hubby with another woman and me just watching etc like he does.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/12/2022 13:58

The other couples I’ve known who were into swinging all broke up. The one I know who are still together it’s like as @AnyFucker says the husband uses it as an excuse to cheat and last I heard the wife was unhappy, couldn’t afford to divorce and was on antidepressants partly because of this.

For it to work you have to be very broadminded and not care. I do think some couples cope with this at first well, because of the fun/unusual aspect though.

July70 · 24/12/2022 17:25

#we've not broken up and it's me that gets the fun, ie younger, fit male but hubby enjoys it more than I do

Those that are to cheat will cheat.

We all dream and I've often thought bout one night stands but not told DH but he unwittingly makes my dreams come true. If we were to doing this, I think I would have tired a big bloke at least once if not more. I think I've become more sexy as I've gotten older and am petite and look a few years younger in clothing but the men I get half my age or a bit younger love to make love (sex) like DH never could. I do love my DH and when I have a really, really good session and want the same bloke again, DH says no bar one time and I have to agree with him as there is no fool like an old fool, ie me falling for the bs from the younger guys who just want good hard sex even though they often have a GF/wif/partner etc - most say they "prefer a mature..sexy lady.."

It works for us but I never go for guys from my own background.

Dreammakerflower · 24/12/2022 21:11

For me, the hardest part will be if one of us decide to stop swinging ie if My partner says "let's stop" then we will stop, but I think in my mind I'll be gutted lol

AgentJohnson · 25/12/2022 12:07

You either have agreements that you stick to or you don’t. Stop making excuses for him cheating, ‘gets carried’ is just something you tell yourself to make him lying to you palatable. Many posters have said that honestly and transparency is key, which makes me question the ‘balance’ in your relationship if you are reluctant to pull him up on his dishonesty.

MiaAntonia · 25/12/2022 13:04

There are 4 premordial rules for swinging not to backfire on a married couple. First they should be able to separate love from sex, a complete separation. Then the level of love, trust and understanding between man and wife must be very high and unwavering. Understanding includes open communication between them. If any of these are breached, then it is possible to encounter the negative repercussions associated with swinging, or outside sex, in general.

EBearhug · 25/12/2022 13:09

You either have agreements that you stick to or you don’t.

This. However, I think it's also important to review it every now and then, to make sure it's working for both of you, because sometimes, what you think you'll be happy with, you'll find isn't so good in practice. Different rules will work for different couples based on their own limits.

And everyone needs to remember consent is where everyone says yes, not one person telling the other and expecting everyone else to like it or lump it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/12/2022 13:56

EBearhug · 25/12/2022 13:09

You either have agreements that you stick to or you don’t.

This. However, I think it's also important to review it every now and then, to make sure it's working for both of you, because sometimes, what you think you'll be happy with, you'll find isn't so good in practice. Different rules will work for different couples based on their own limits.

And everyone needs to remember consent is where everyone says yes, not one person telling the other and expecting everyone else to like it or lump it.

100%
we both have to be happy with everything or it doesn't happen. Swinging is just an added bonus to our relationship not the main aspect.

PortiasBiscuit · 25/12/2022 13:59

Gawd, who could be arsed?

The only swinger I know looks like a weasel, I always think about turning up at some club, all excited, and finding him.. bleurgh!

Sandra1984 · 25/12/2022 15:36

Me and my ex would go to
swimgers clubs and he would fancy 10 women at the club, I would fancy no Man, the most one guy. I came to the conclusion that men are not too picky when it comes to sex, I on the contrary I’m quite picky. This lead to me having to watch him fuck women all night while I sat at the bar with a drink chatting with the waitress. Eventually I got bored and dumped him. He’s a nice guy but different dynamics and expectations?

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 25/12/2022 22:57

Great replies. Very interesting to read.
DH's turn on is watching me having sex with other men. It's his biggest thing.
I would hate the thought of never being able to have sex with anyone apart from him again BUT I need a real connection before I have sex with someone - they need to make me laugh and be good looking (yes I am superficial lol)
He, like many all of the men mentioned in this thread would have sex with the first woman who was available.
So I'm still figuring out our best way forward. We haven't been to a club or had a meet for ages - mainly due to holidays / work/ kids / me being on a period for 2 weeks at a time ...
I like a spontaneous (social) meet - but all the meets we have had have been arranged by him on F/S .. and the emphasis from his side has always been the sex side - I prefer a social first - I need to chill with the couple first. So none of the previous meets has led to anything because I am very picky and when it has led to something it has been crap. He does find it difficult when I say no - that I don't want to shag the male partner of the couple. But tough. I'm not taking one for the team. (Especially when he looks like a weasel @PortiasBiscuit (wonder if it's the same one lol)
I know I'd be happy if we went to a club because swingers are (in my experience) the nicest friendliest and most caring people you will meet, so if he wanted to go shag a random woman at a club, then I would be absolutely fine with that - and I know (and he knows) that I would have loads of nice people to chat with and would most likely be inundated with attention from most of the men there. So he would probably want to make it a quick shag to get back to me.. and I might meet a guy at the same time who made me laugh and who was good looking and I wouldn't be sat waiting for him at the bar when he got back...I'd be back an hour later...
'and she's off!.. as they say lol...

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 25/12/2022 23:06

Whatever you decide to do not get pressured into doing stuff to please him because that will build resentment and affect your relationship with him ver negatively. Swinging with a partner is like opening a huge can of worms that cannot be closed, some couples succeed others not.

Sandra1984 · 25/12/2022 23:08

In my case our swinging didn’t work out ultimately but I’ve met many happy couples that worked out just fine.

ArcticSkewer · 26/12/2022 00:25

Your update is not reassuring, op. You and your partner don't sound sexually compatible - which is the nicest way I can phrase it. The reality is that you don't want to have sex with other men but it's his 'favourite thing' to watch you, so you do it, or agree to think about it.

What I am reading is that you have sex you don't really want, or he arranges meets with men that you haven't been part of the process of choosing. Meanwhile he shags around behind your back.

This is actually what a huge number of couples on fab are like. It's why I rarely use the site any more. The man is pushing the whole thing and controls the meet, you turn up and the woman obviously doesn't want to be there and doesn't enjoy the sex if it happens, or is just there to 'sign off' on him shagging but you can tell she isn't happy. I've even heard of times when she waits til he is out of the room to tell the other couple that she doesn't want to be there.

If you spent a few weeks apart from your partner I think it would soon become clear that you were not happy, and why that was.

In a sex positive relationship he would understand your need for a social and arrange that - always. In fact, you would be taking the lead and choosing your partner with enthusiasm.

If you weren't with him, would you want to continue this way of life?

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 05:52

Sandra1984 · 25/12/2022 23:08

In my case our swinging didn’t work out ultimately but I’ve met many happy couples that worked out just fine.

Swinging is not everyone. Actually, it works, problem free, with few of us. I am a marital relationship therapist and I have seen many marriages break up, or shaken to their roots because the couple ventured into swinging or group sex.

The problems that may arise are obvious, with jealousy, and one party becoming attracted or in love with another party, being the most apparent. In most of these, the woman was not able to completely separate love from sex.

That's why, a couple, especially a married couple, contemplating to swing, should assess themselves to see how they stand in the three cornerstones of a marriage (love, trust and understanding) and their ability to completely separate love from sex, before they venture into swinging.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 08:33

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 05:52

Swinging is not everyone. Actually, it works, problem free, with few of us. I am a marital relationship therapist and I have seen many marriages break up, or shaken to their roots because the couple ventured into swinging or group sex.

The problems that may arise are obvious, with jealousy, and one party becoming attracted or in love with another party, being the most apparent. In most of these, the woman was not able to completely separate love from sex.

That's why, a couple, especially a married couple, contemplating to swing, should assess themselves to see how they stand in the three cornerstones of a marriage (love, trust and understanding) and their ability to completely separate love from sex, before they venture into swinging.

Show quote history

In my case I can completely separate love from sex, but I'm quite picky with the men I shag, so every time we went to a club he would want to shag 10 women and I was not into her or her partner, so would spent most of the time in the bar or swimming in the pool while he shagged other women and that's not my idea of fun so I quit the whole swinging thing. I also felt he was pressuring me into shagging people I didn't fancy which put me of from him, I realise this was not cool and dumped him. It was a good learning experience and I ultimately realised a) I'm not into swinging clubs or b) into men who pressured me to doing things I'm not into.I believe swinging killed my relationship with this man and that's OK because it was not meant to be.

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 09:15

You are right to dump him. A relationship cannot be mainly based on sex. Most women are like you, and tend to be discerning when wanting a sexual relationship with a man. I believe you described group sex, and obviously that's not for you, as in group sex, you are more or less supposed to be available for anyone to have you, in the way your partner wants you to be had by many men. And as suggested, maybe he gets excited to see you having sex with one or many men. Many men have this fantasy.