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Original poster

Any successful swinging couples ?

133 replies

hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 19:53

Hi, name changed to try and protect myself..
I'm basically wondering what rules you have and how do you stay honest and not get annoyed at each other?
So ... married DH about 5 years ago. We are both in our late 40's and both very open.
We have been to a few swingers clubs and really enjoyed ourselves. We also had the agreement that if a spontaneous attraction occurred with someone we had a hall pass. With the agreement we would inform the other asap.

We are great friends and have a fabulous time together. All our kids get on fabulously too.
At the moment I'm peri menopausal so not that interested in sex with other men.
I like the intimacy with my partner

He's now had 5 'attractions' over the past 4 years- which I was mainly informed of after the fact - I was aware of 1 of them before hand and that is honestly the only one I am ok with. I was fully included in the conversation they had and it made all the difference.
I have explained to him that I feel like he has pushed my boundaries time after time - he has listened to me and taken it into account but I feel like he is sometimes like a child with a toy and gets carried away.
The stupid thing is that - as looks go- I am very good looking with a great body. If I wanted to I'd be in huge demand - but there is no way I'd want to have sex with a man just to take 'revenge' on my DH!

But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now.
But I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - and what agreements you have in place. Apart from the obvious honesty and keep talking bit.

If you've never had a swinging relationship please can you refrain from responding ? Thank you.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 17:29

MiaAntonia · 28/12/2022 13:00

What you are suggesting is one of the reasons why men may want to share their wives. Specifically, the man is very proud of the sexual prowess of his wife, and he wants to share her to show how good she is. With some going all the way to see his wife sexually "consume" or "annihilate" other men.

Show quote history

So he is dominating and controlling his wife in order that he can use her as a tool to dominate and control other men?
Or is that me spinning it because I don't understand how things work in this community?

MiaAntonia · 28/12/2022 19:35

Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 17:29

So he is dominating and controlling his wife in order that he can use her as a tool to dominate and control other men?
Or is that me spinning it because I don't understand how things work in this community?

Show quote history

You can see it that way, to control them sexually, but it doesn't have to be so. It may be that she consumes him or annihilates him, and he wants her to do the same to other men. The pride is an important element here, to show he is married to a woman who is very good in bed, and is supreme.

OldFan · 29/12/2022 01:11

Watching your partner having sex with another person is a fetish, a cuckold fetish, not a “I just want him/her to be happy” situation.

@Sandra1984 I had a lover with an impotent micropenis. He definitely liked to see other men satisfy me in a way he knew he never could.

OldFan · 29/12/2022 01:14

he also did lots of nagging me to try and arrange hookups on Fab etc.

It was part of the many facets of his sexual coercion.

I don't think he was particularly sub or dom, just an unpleasant manipulative narcissist who tries to exploit others to the max.

josuk · 29/12/2022 01:22

I think once you are able to separate love/attachment from sex -
which both sexes can do but it does seem to come easier to men —- seeing your partner have sex with someone else and being OK with it / finding it a turn on can be driven by various feelings. I don’t think it needs to be called a fetish.

OldFan · 29/12/2022 01:48

Yes I mean it depends what you want a relationship to be like at the end of the day.

@hardtodiscuss Is this what you dreamed of when you were a girl? ❤

JustKittenAround · 29/12/2022 02:38

men can move in swinger communities because they trade in their female partners and manipulations.

don’t be traded and don’t put up with dishonesty.

get your head right.

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 09:02

@JustKittenAround men can move in swinger communities because they trade in their female partners and manipulations.

I believe you’ve never been in a swingers club . The OP asked feedback from swingers, what she didn’t asked is for non swingers to come and judge her or her lifestyle. This is not what this thread is about. Thanks.

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 09:46

Soothsayer1 · 28/12/2022 11:49

this is what confuses me re blokes how they get turned on when their wife/gf is with another
I have always thought that the appeal for men is that the woman is like a prized possession and by letting other men 'have a turn' with her, well it's a way of raising their status in the eyes of the other men.
The underline messages I own and control this woman who will do things that other women won't and you can have a turn with her but now you owe me a favour/you have to see me as the alpha male who magnanimously shares with the subordinate males.
So the payoff for him is the sexual pleasure of watching them combined with the fact that it raises his status in the eyes of other men.
I would argue that the latter is much more significant to men than we perhaps realise?

The above dynamic ONLY works when the woman is a “sub” (as in very submissive) and they have a master slave relationship, yes those relationships exists in both gay and heterosexual couples. They can work fine but they need to be 100% consensual and properly negotiated. You also have master slave relationships in her couples where the woman is the master. There’s all sort of variations in BDSM and power dynamics.

Abigail69 · 29/12/2022 10:00

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 09:02

@JustKittenAround men can move in swinger communities because they trade in their female partners and manipulations.

I believe you’ve never been in a swingers club . The OP asked feedback from swingers, what she didn’t asked is for non swingers to come and judge her or her lifestyle. This is not what this thread is about. Thanks.

Valid point and we must never judge.

NB: I've just changed my username from July70.

DH is a Cuk and like someone said about another, he is not "micro" down there but actually bigger than most but not as big as ex. When I say he is bigger, we've been to a a couple of clubs and nude beaches many times and its not like porn sites where the actors are 9/10 inches.

I've asked DH what turns him on and he cant really explain other than enjoying me afterwards another man has been there is more exciting than just us doing it

TBH I feel too old for it and the last time we tried months ago, TBH, younger man, fit, well hung etc etc and DH not watching made me feel 21 again but I can't admit it to him but if I did he wont mind but I fear he may at times take the p or get a bit jealous if I was 100% open

A club owner told DH a few years back that most blokes that came to his place dreamt of sharing their OH but left it at that for one reason or another but DH was the 10% that went all the way. DH is proud of being a Cuk but fear being found out

Enjoy cuks/swings if that is what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I was reluctant but once the other guy starts their stuff, its great and it does make me feel younger and the other guy as a lot younger often late 20's early 30's can do what younger guys can do and me being older and more experienced helps me.

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 10:12

Articskewer said: your experience did these submissive men, as part of their submissive experience, go online and select men for their wives to have sex with even though their wives didn't want to?
^^
When I meet men like that I don't call that behaviour submissive. I'd be expecting the wife to be doing the organising, as part of the whole humiliation, for it to be subby.

Anybody who goes online and selects sexual partners for her/his spouse when it’s non consensual should be locked up. Last time I checked sexual cohertion was a crime. The vibe I’m getting from the OP’s posts are that her and hubby haven’t sat down, laid the cards on the table and had a proper conversation we’re all has been negotiated, or maybe she’s a bit afraid of asserting herself? I’m seeing blurred boundaries and limits not being respected.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2022 10:15

So many labels flying around and they’re irrelevant.

The only thing that’s important in swinging is that both parties have their boundaries heard and respected.

The OP’s husband either isn’t hearing her boundaries or isn’t respecting them.

You have to be able to have blunt conversations, and listen to bluntness, to make swinging work.

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 10:59

You've made you bed so accept what you've got. If you agreed to this type of marriage then that's what you get. Can't have it both ways. I think the only marriages that genuinely work are those that are monogamous. Swinging, emotional affairs, cheating are not good for marriages.

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 11:18

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 10:59

You've made you bed so accept what you've got. If you agreed to this type of marriage then that's what you get. Can't have it both ways. I think the only marriages that genuinely work are those that are monogamous. Swinging, emotional affairs, cheating are not good for marriages.

I suspected the “monogamy is the only way” brigade would pop it’s ugly head to remind us they’re sexual lifestyle choice is much better than ours. Just like her husband you’re not respecting her wishes. She has clearly stated she only wants to hear from those in swinging relationships. Now please go and praise monogamy some place else and respect the OPs wishes.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2022 11:55

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 10:59

You've made you bed so accept what you've got. If you agreed to this type of marriage then that's what you get. Can't have it both ways. I think the only marriages that genuinely work are those that are monogamous. Swinging, emotional affairs, cheating are not good for marriages.

She didn’t accept her husband disrespecting boundaries.

I’ve seen far more so-called monogamous marriages fail than proper swinger relationships.

Honesty and respect are what make marriages work, and contrary to what you think that is absolutely possible in a swinging marriage. It just takes an honest and respectful husband and an honest and respectful wife.

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 12:18

Well, the husband isn't respectful or honest. If the marriage had been conventional from the get go then she would have been able to instantly know he was a cheater. He's a cheater, end of.

Sandra1984 · 29/12/2022 12:57

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 12:18

Well, the husband isn't respectful or honest. If the marriage had been conventional from the get go then she would have been able to instantly know he was a cheater. He's a cheater, end of.

Cheaters and dishonest types exist in both monogamous and “swinging”marriages I’m afraid. Just because you join a swingers site doesn’t make you a good person.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2022 13:09

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 12:18

Well, the husband isn't respectful or honest. If the marriage had been conventional from the get go then she would have been able to instantly know he was a cheater. He's a cheater, end of.

You think a disrespectful and dishonest man would have been open about cheating in a monogamous marriage? Naive or plain shit-stirring because of your dislike of swinging.

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 13:56

Cheating is cheating, and this husband is doing just that

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2022 14:16

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 13:56

Cheating is cheating, and this husband is doing just that

Exactly.

So nothing to do with monogamous marriages being better. The husband is the issue. Not swinging.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/12/2022 14:55

purpledalmation · 29/12/2022 10:59

You've made you bed so accept what you've got. If you agreed to this type of marriage then that's what you get. Can't have it both ways. I think the only marriages that genuinely work are those that are monogamous. Swinging, emotional affairs, cheating are not good for marriages.

Does this philosophy apply to everything in a relationship, not just sex? By this logic a woman has to provide 5 x weekly swinging from the chandelier sex forever just because that's what they did at first? Or has to go everywhere her husband wants and move every 2 years forever because that's what they did at first? Or do all the housework even after she has a baby because that's what she did at first?!
bollocks. Boundaries and negotiation are vital for ANY aspect of ANY relationship whether it's about sex or anything else.

Cheerfulpedantry · 29/12/2022 17:29

There are thousands of couples like you on fab/similar. It's essentially the man cheating and the woman pretending he isn't because they are 'swingers'

This. And there are plenty of posters on Mumsnet with this dynamic too.

Original poster
hardtodiscuss · 29/12/2022 22:08

Wow great chat.
I actually really love visiting clubs. I love seeing him having sex with other woman - and we also get a huge kick of me having sex with other men - the way he checks in with me constantly and we are all in the mix. We adore each other.

This is one of the reasons I started this post. I wanted to see how other people handled being part of a swinging couple.

There is nothing I cannot discuss with my OH. Unlike some monogamous couples I know.
He gets better every year I know him. And I can say hand on heart he is my best friend and makes me laugh a lot. There is nothing that he wouldn't do for me.
When I bring my thoughts and issues up in conversation we can discuss it openly and honestly. He does not dismiss my worries at all.
Of course he will try his luck- which man wouldn't lol.
This is all about me knowing and showing my boundaries.
So thank you all. Especially the couples with experience. And the therapist. Peace and love 😘😉

OP posts:
DannydeVitooo · 29/12/2022 22:19

Hold on?! You were threatening to leave him in your OP

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 00:58

DannydeVitooo · 29/12/2022 22:19

Hold on?! You were threatening to leave him in your OP

Actually what she said was
"But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now."

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