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Original poster

Any successful swinging couples ?

133 replies

hardtodiscuss · 04/12/2022 19:53

Hi, name changed to try and protect myself..
I'm basically wondering what rules you have and how do you stay honest and not get annoyed at each other?
So ... married DH about 5 years ago. We are both in our late 40's and both very open.
We have been to a few swingers clubs and really enjoyed ourselves. We also had the agreement that if a spontaneous attraction occurred with someone we had a hall pass. With the agreement we would inform the other asap.

We are great friends and have a fabulous time together. All our kids get on fabulously too.
At the moment I'm peri menopausal so not that interested in sex with other men.
I like the intimacy with my partner

He's now had 5 'attractions' over the past 4 years- which I was mainly informed of after the fact - I was aware of 1 of them before hand and that is honestly the only one I am ok with. I was fully included in the conversation they had and it made all the difference.
I have explained to him that I feel like he has pushed my boundaries time after time - he has listened to me and taken it into account but I feel like he is sometimes like a child with a toy and gets carried away.
The stupid thing is that - as looks go- I am very good looking with a great body. If I wanted to I'd be in huge demand - but there is no way I'd want to have sex with a man just to take 'revenge' on my DH!

But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now.
But I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - and what agreements you have in place. Apart from the obvious honesty and keep talking bit.

If you've never had a swinging relationship please can you refrain from responding ? Thank you.

OP posts:
Beercrispsandnuts · 26/12/2022 09:20

This isn’t swinging, it’s an open relationship with him cheating on you. I don’t understand why you think it’s swinging.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/12/2022 09:21

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 08:33

In my case I can completely separate love from sex, but I'm quite picky with the men I shag, so every time we went to a club he would want to shag 10 women and I was not into her or her partner, so would spent most of the time in the bar or swimming in the pool while he shagged other women and that's not my idea of fun so I quit the whole swinging thing. I also felt he was pressuring me into shagging people I didn't fancy which put me of from him, I realise this was not cool and dumped him. It was a good learning experience and I ultimately realised a) I'm not into swinging clubs or b) into men who pressured me to doing things I'm not into.I believe swinging killed my relationship with this man and that's OK because it was not meant to be.

Show quote history

That would never happen with my DP - not being a twat just saying you need to have agreements about these things. DP and I don't play separately unless we are in the same space with a group and we always check in with each other regularly and have non verbal signals which mean 'come here' 'stop' 'let's take a break' etc. We would just never go off with someone and leave the other at the bar. So rude! It's also totally not a shared experience if you do that. Unless either of you has an actual cuck thing and you like that arrangement it's just not proper swinging.
also I do think you need to be a bit bi curious at the least to properly enjoy swinging. Neither DP or I are bi but we both like playing with same sex as part of a group. If you don't enjoy that then it's a bit limited.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 09:31

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 09:15

You are right to dump him. A relationship cannot be mainly based on sex. Most women are like you, and tend to be discerning when wanting a sexual relationship with a man. I believe you described group sex, and obviously that's not for you, as in group sex, you are more or less supposed to be available for anyone to have you, in the way your partner wants you to be had by many men. And as suggested, maybe he gets excited to see you having sex with one or many men. Many men have this fantasy.

Yes, we both had very strong cuckold fantasies (very common in swingers), but while he wanted to shag everything that had a pulse I did not. He became obsessed with watching me shag other guys and I didn’t like the pressure so got rid of him in a beat. I guess we were not sexually compatible. I also believe men and women have different attitudes towards sex, while men are more reptilian women are not. A man walking into a swingers clubs is like a candy store for him, not so much for a woman. reconciling both “attitudes” Is a tough one. This issue not only after applies to swingers clubs, I keep reading all
these threads on MN of non swingers complaining about mismatched libidos and women being “shocked” at her partners watching porn.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 09:41

@CloseYourEyesAndSee We would just never go off with someone and leave the other at the bar. So rude! It's also totally not a shared experience if you do that.

I honestly got bored of watching my partner having sex with people I was totally not into so swimming in the pool or chatting up the Spanish waiters at the bar became
more fun. It’s not rude at all. I’m not willing to stay in the orgy room out of politeness. Fuck that. Then i broke up obvs. Nothing wrong with that. It’s all a learning experience.

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 11:51

I also believe men and women have different attitudes towards sex, while men are more reptilian women are not
@Sandra1984
That's very interesting and a bit of a scary thought!
I wonder if you'd be prepared to say a bit more about men being reptilian? Is it to do with men being more immediate and driven when it comes to sex?

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 12:16

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 11:51

I also believe men and women have different attitudes towards sex, while men are more reptilian women are not
@Sandra1984
That's very interesting and a bit of a scary thought!
I wonder if you'd be prepared to say a bit more about men being reptilian? Is it to do with men being more immediate and driven when it comes to sex?

The difference in attitudes towards sex between men and women is one of my favourite subject matters. Yes I believe men are more “reptilian” , I’m not having a go at men at all, I’m just a firm believer in evolutionary psichology. The fact that us (ladies) get pregnant from sex, carry a human being inside for 9 months, the possibility of death (it was very common for women to die during birth for many centuries) has our brain designed in a “slightly different way. than men when it comes to sex. I’m aware it’s not a very feminist thought. As species we are conditioned for survival. We want to pick a strong resourceful mate who will hunt bison for us and our child while we’re pregnant, we need to feel safe (both physical and emotionally) so picking the right partner and the right sperm will be key to our survival. Men don’t have this problem. The Lucky bastards.

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 12:34

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 09:31

Yes, we both had very strong cuckold fantasies (very common in swingers), but while he wanted to shag everything that had a pulse I did not. He became obsessed with watching me shag other guys and I didn’t like the pressure so got rid of him in a beat. I guess we were not sexually compatible. I also believe men and women have different attitudes towards sex, while men are more reptilian women are not. A man walking into a swingers clubs is like a candy store for him, not so much for a woman. reconciling both “attitudes” Is a tough one. This issue not only after applies to swingers clubs, I keep reading all
these threads on MN of non swingers complaining about mismatched libidos and women being “shocked” at her partners watching porn.

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Men are usually "conscious" of their sexual needs, while most women are not. Most of us have it in our "subconscious." If we are conscious of our sexual needs, we may behave like men!

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 13:15

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 12:16

The difference in attitudes towards sex between men and women is one of my favourite subject matters. Yes I believe men are more “reptilian” , I’m not having a go at men at all, I’m just a firm believer in evolutionary psichology. The fact that us (ladies) get pregnant from sex, carry a human being inside for 9 months, the possibility of death (it was very common for women to die during birth for many centuries) has our brain designed in a “slightly different way. than men when it comes to sex. I’m aware it’s not a very feminist thought. As species we are conditioned for survival. We want to pick a strong resourceful mate who will hunt bison for us and our child while we’re pregnant, we need to feel safe (both physical and emotionally) so picking the right partner and the right sperm will be key to our survival. Men don’t have this problem. The Lucky bastards.

Show quote history

Thanks for your reply and I agree..... but then again when you say men are lucky bastards, surely it's much harder for men to be sexually successful because women have to be much more choosy, generally speaking?

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 13:17

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 12:34

Men are usually "conscious" of their sexual needs, while most women are not. Most of us have it in our "subconscious." If we are conscious of our sexual needs, we may behave like men!

Show quote history

Do you mean behaving like men in the sense of being sexually predatory older women going for naive younger men etc?
For me one thing that stops me behaving like a man is fear of the men..... I'm only attracted to men who are much bigger and stronger than me but at the same time that makes me scared of them because they could easily physically dominate me!

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 13:43

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 13:17

Do you mean behaving like men in the sense of being sexually predatory older women going for naive younger men etc?
For me one thing that stops me behaving like a man is fear of the men..... I'm only attracted to men who are much bigger and stronger than me but at the same time that makes me scared of them because they could easily physically dominate me!

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No, I do not mean predatory. I mean when a woman's subconscious surfaces, she will desire sex as much as men desire it. But, when a woman desires sex, and becomes sexual and sensual, a man has to keep up with her! Remember, we are the stronger sex.

In therapy when I face a couple complaining of bedroom boredom and lack of sex, and it is partly or mainly the fault of the woman who does not desire sex, I attempt to help her bring her subconscious to the surface.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 13:50

Soothsayer1 · 26/12/2022 13:15

Thanks for your reply and I agree..... but then again when you say men are lucky bastards, surely it's much harder for men to be sexually successful because women have to be much more choosy, generally speaking?

Show quote history

I agree, women being so picky makes it harder for men to be “successful” and having as many sexual partners as they would like. You just need to look at the differences within the LGBT community, gay men when not having to pick female sex partners (only other males) get very promiscuous. There’s a whole industry out there of gay bars, saunas and grinder while lesbians behave in a much more guarded less promiscuous way than their male counterparts. I believe this proves my point. Then of course I might be wrong, this is just a personal opinion.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 13:57

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 13:43

No, I do not mean predatory. I mean when a woman's subconscious surfaces, she will desire sex as much as men desire it. But, when a woman desires sex, and becomes sexual and sensual, a man has to keep up with her! Remember, we are the stronger sex.

In therapy when I face a couple complaining of bedroom boredom and lack of sex, and it is partly or mainly the fault of the woman who does not desire sex, I attempt to help her bring her subconscious to the surface.

Show quote history

Do you think this is purely a cultural conditioning? (Women suppressing their sexual desire) or the fact that maybe their husband is being a jerk and they just don’t want to shag him? Or maybe the case of women finding ourselves raising kids, working full time etc… just pushed out libido to the bottom of the list because we are simply exhausted? 🤣

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 14:02

or is that lots of men are bad at sex

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 14:11

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 13:57

Do you think this is purely a cultural conditioning? (Women suppressing their sexual desire) or the fact that maybe their husband is being a jerk and they just don’t want to shag him? Or maybe the case of women finding ourselves raising kids, working full time etc… just pushed out libido to the bottom of the list because we are simply exhausted? 🤣

Show quote history

All of the above. Societal and religious norms and upbringing are the culprit in repressing some or all of woman's desires. If she is conscious of them, she can fight them, struggle and feel guilty when she is breaking them. If they are deep in her subconscious, then she does not feel any desire at all, and in therapy it is a real and very difficult struggle to make her desires surface.

Sure, a jerk of a husband can cause havoc to a relationship, sexual and other.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 14:18

@MiaAntonia Sure, a jerk of a husband can cause havoc to a relationship, sexual and other.

And children, and routine, and in-laws and fighting over bills and who gets to close the toilet lid etc..🤣

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 14:19

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 14:02

or is that lots of men are bad at sex

I don’t think being “bad at sex” is a gender thing.

OldFan · 26/12/2022 14:23

I'm not taking one for the team

Well done @hardtodiscuss , stay strong.

Do you really hate the thought of never shagging anyone except your husband again? That's not how it's seemed from most of the thread.

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 14:31

@Sandra1984 sure - but basically men can still mostly climax regardless whereas for women the impact of a poor sexual partner is more impactful

LongTermSwinger · 26/12/2022 14:47

DH and I have been swinging for 20 years on and off. Somewhat less atm as one of our children is disabled and needs a lot of care.

The lack of respect from your DH will kill any hope of a successful swinging relationship @hardtodiscuss

Thats the basic fundamental that you must have for it to work. DH and I have both met couples, or singles, that we’ve both thought “ooh I would”, but if you know the other person wouldn’t be happy it simply doesn’t happen. That’s the basic. Couples where one of them ‘takes one for the team’ never work out (and 99% of the time it ends up as the same one that gets to the short straw).

We’ve always had the position of saying that it’s far better to leave a club or meet thinking “it would have been fun to…” as opposed to “I wish we hadn’t”

And we never meet or play with anyone else without prior chat with each other first (the only exception being if we go to a club solo and then all the usual rules we have apply).

That you think he’d have had a 3some when that’s on your to-do list is a massive red flag that he doesn’t see it as a thing you do together

LongTermSwinger · 26/12/2022 14:49

Dreammakerflower · 04/12/2022 21:55

Oh a side note; anyone been to xtasia club? Wondering whether it's worth traveling too

I found it very nightclubby. It’s quite marmite I think - I don’t know anyone that says “it’s alright”, it’s either people’s fave or they hate it.

I think Chameleons is much better (though it’s dress down so not everyone’s cup of tea).

July70 · 26/12/2022 15:06

OP
Your DH sounds like mine, just wants to see me touched/kissed and banged

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 16:01

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 14:18

@MiaAntonia Sure, a jerk of a husband can cause havoc to a relationship, sexual and other.

And children, and routine, and in-laws and fighting over bills and who gets to close the toilet lid etc..🤣

The chores at home is stressful to a married couple, but particularly the woman. Stress is a sex killer.

Sandra1984 · 26/12/2022 16:28

MiaAntonia · 26/12/2022 16:01

The chores at home is stressful to a married couple, but particularly the woman. Stress is a sex killer.

Show quote history

Yes, and unfortunately it's usually the woman who ends up with being in charge of the household and children, comes modern times and add a full time job to the mix. no wonder women are stressed and suffering from a low libido. But you're right, stress is the number one libido killer.

OldFan · 26/12/2022 16:38

@Dreammakerflower There was one bloke I thought overstepped the mark at Xstasia but other than that I quite liked it. Don't think I got off with anyone though.

The overstepping one was a bloke offered to show me round with the staff's approval (I don't think he's usually there- was someone they knew who was visiting from further afield.) So he showed me round the various stuff that was in each room. He was just describing the pieces of equipment etc.

When he showed me into the dark room (it's pitch black in there) he started feeling me up. That would've been fine if I'd been expecting it but I wasn't, as far as I was concerned I was just being showed round. He so got off on it, grinning from ear to ear, that it was unpleasant. I imagine he knew he'd surprised me.

OldFan · 26/12/2022 16:41

I didn't really know he was in there with me, thought I was just having a peek.