Any successful swinging couples ?

[hardtodiscuss]

Hi, name changed to try and protect myself..
I'm basically wondering what rules you have and how do you stay honest and not get annoyed at each other?
So ... married DH about 5 years ago. We are both in our late 40's and both very open.
We have been to a few swingers clubs and really enjoyed ourselves. We also had the agreement that if a spontaneous attraction occurred with someone we had a hall pass. With the agreement we would inform the other asap.

We are great friends and have a fabulous time together. All our kids get on fabulously too.
At the moment I'm peri menopausal so not that interested in sex with other men.
I like the intimacy with my partner

He's now had 5 'attractions' over the past 4 years- which I was mainly informed of after the fact - I was aware of 1 of them before hand and that is honestly the only one I am ok with. I was fully included in the conversation they had and it made all the difference.
I have explained to him that I feel like he has pushed my boundaries time after time - he has listened to me and taken it into account but I feel like he is sometimes like a child with a toy and gets carried away.
The stupid thing is that - as looks go- I am very good looking with a great body. If I wanted to I'd be in huge demand - but there is no way I'd want to have sex with a man just to take 'revenge' on my DH!

But it took me to threatening to leave him that really made him realise that he had pushed me way too far this particular time.

We are very good again now.
But I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar - and what agreements you have in place. Apart from the obvious honesty and keep talking bit.

If you've never had a swinging relationship please can you refrain from responding ? Thank you.

So those mothers who were brought up under religious and/or societal lids, combined with their chores at home, they are the most prone for a sexual knockout. Imagine how difficult it is for a psychologist or marital therapist to raise these women to their feet and bring sex into their lives.

I went to a few events @hardtodiscuss , some were swinging events ad some BDSM events. I suggest going to the type of event you're in the mood for, as obviously you'll get more people looking for swinging at those events, and more people looking for BDSM at the BDSM events. So if you aim at the event that matches the activity you'll want to do, you'll probably have a higher 'hit rate' in finding what you want than if you went to the other type.

Sorry, that was mainly for @Dreammakerflower about Xtasia. I suppose they do/did have hotel rooms there too if you plan to stay. It's local to me so I probably take it for granted IDK, wouldn't know if it's worth travelling for.

4-5 times A WEEk. And you’re menopausal ? Jesus

That was a stupid move on his part - one of the good things about Xtasia is that they are good at banning guys that overstep.

sone clubs let away with a lot but they’re pretty good normally

@hardtodiscuss

You already got a lot of good advice re open relationships, etc.
I’d just add - you should really get a bit of help with your peri. Not necessarily - so that you want/can have more sex - but in general, for your well-being.

Bleeding for 2 weeks regularity isn’t normal - and you really need to have it checked out.
Mirena + estrogen; and I am guessing a bit of testosterone supplementation can do wonders. Returning libido is a nice side effect to it all. As well as just more energy and feeling more like you used to.

As to swinging/open relationships. They are hard. I have seen successful ones and unhappy ones too. Most women are pickier than men and it does make it harder for us. But can be fun when it works.

If you haven’t yet, and are in an urban area - try Killing Kittens. You might find the female-led format working for you. They have events, and private meet-ups are also an option.
And - don’t let H arrange meet-ups. Get involved. Chat to the men before meeting - it may help you develop some connection before.

Not done it myself but I know a few couples who do/did.
It seemed to work fine until they wanted to start a family, in all 3 cases the woman wanted to (understandably) stop while TTC or PG but the man didn’t and it caused massive problems. 2 of the couples I know who did it split up and 1 is still together but he shags around and she hates him

I’ve always believed it takes a very solid relationship to make swinging a success. Swinging is a test of fire, it either solidifies the relationship or breaks it. Any cracks in the relationship will open wide. Just Like marmite, swinging is not for everybody.

@josuk thanks for this.
Periods: I have had a thorough testing so physically it's all A ok.. but possibly hormonal not all Ok.
I'll check out KK- I'd never heard of it before. I hate F/s it's horrible. So tasteless and graphic.. I like a nice dick pic occasionally but they all looks so horrible - like those naked rats but without the teeth. Dh has the best penis I've ever had the pleasure of.
In my previous relationships Ive always had affairs - so I figured a swinging relationship was the way forward- especially seen as it seemed like we both wanted the same thing in the beginning. I think it's definitely me who's changed. And stress is a huge libido killer. But the funny thing is - and this has always been the case- I want sex more often than he does. I'd love it everyday - he's happy with 2-3 times a week. He hardly ever Masturbates after we had a huge discussion on this about 2 years ago. I'm ok with him masturbating - it's the fact he wants to sleep instead of having sex with me because he's already had his orgasm that was doing my noddle in..

@hardtodiscuss

There is a lot to unpick/comment on your post. So, I’ll just focus on things that stole me.
I think you need a better GYNO/hormonal specialist. You don’t need to be told that it’s Ok to bleed for two weeks. There are ways to manage it better. And - given you are in peri - a specialist needs to look at the whole picture and find a broad solution.
Stress can of course change libido too. But you can’t know if it’s stress or the hormonal fluctuations until you get a handle on your peri. So many women suffer with unmanaged symptoms instead of being helped. It is infuriating.

I find KK a much better place for me. Nothing I have heard of Fab makes me want to try it. KK is not specifically a ‘swingers’ place. It has events catering to couples, singles, women-only. And I do like the woman-led rule, it does work. We have met a few people we clicked with on there, but it takes time.

One other thing I wanted to comment on. The dynamic between you and your H is a bit off, in my opinion. I think you guys need to get a lot more open with each other in what you are looking for in your interactions with ‘others’.

As someone who has had affairs in previous relationship - you must be able to relate. People have affairs for a number of reasons - main ones are to have variety of sexual experiences, and to feel free to explore/seduce/etc. Its clear your H is driven by both of these - that is why he acts first and tells you later.
And that 2nd bit clearly makes you uncomfortable.
Talking and better understanding of each other is key here. But also - jointly figuring out how you as a couple are going to deal with it so both are happy with the boundaries.
But I am not quite sure how that may work if only one of you is actually interested in playing with others. Maybe trying a different crowd and different sort of parties will help reignite your interest.

But the funny thing is - and this has always been the case- I want sex more often than he does. I'd love it everyday - he's happy with 2-3 times a week

His happy with 2-3 times a week with you. But he wants to shag, and shags, other people too, without telling you until after he's done it.

So much here, in every post!

If you used to have affairs, how were they different from swinging? Were they with people you fancied first and had an emotional connection to? Or random shags or both? Do you enjoy voyeurism and being watched and was that part of your affairs?

My guess is that- you chose your affair partners - you fancied them - there was an emotional connection as well - you weren't shagging while others watched.

Swinging (can be)/ is different.

I wonder, if you insist on continuing down this path, if an open relationship would work better for you. Go on throuple or even just tinder and find a few regular partners for yourself for when your partner doesn't want to have sex with you. Play it with that dynamic as well - he is the one who can't perform so you need to get out there and find other men.

Your current dynamic is him pimping you out and shagging around behind your back. That's a very different power play. One that you are not getting off on (I am so not surprised!)

And yes, kk may be good too. I haven't tried it, but again it puts power back in your hands. You had affairs - you like being the one with power in the relationship - own it.

Good luck op. Please don't become one of those depressing women I meet at swingers clubs. It's so disempowering for you and irritating to see from the outside.

As I am new here I am getting confused who is posting what. I may have made a general response in this thread while responding specifically to a particular post.

The @ in a response are confusing me! My response to Sandra are specific addressing points she made. Also, I am unfamiliar with the abbreviations though I may have guessed some correctly.

I may have given "hardtodiscuss" initiator of this thread an inappropriate response. I would never advise someone to leave her husband (or vice versa) and as a psychologist I try my best to iron out the differences and make parties adapt to one another, and their respective needs, bearing in mind that love, trust and understanding (and communication) are premordial in any relationship and includes openness with regards to sex.

I am not a person who normally encourages outside sex (sex outside a marriage), though at times it can revv up marital sex life, if and only if the three cornerstones of a marriage (love, trust and understsnding) are absolute or close to absolute. If any of the cornerstones is wavering, then most of the times, the ending can be bad, though also most of the times you only read about the positive sides of outside sex and rarely about the negative side.

In therapy, a significant number of times, I guide couples, and very often successfully, to use fantasy, pillow talk and role playing, instead of venturing into outside sex.

It should be known that a good percentage of women, if not most, are incapable of separating love from sex, and outside sex is bound to lead to negative repercussions.

though also most of the times you only read about the positive sides of outside sex and rarely about the negative side.

Not if you follow threads about it on MN.

You mention a few important points. You want sex everyday, at least before your peri menopausal started. He is fine with 2 or 3 times a week. You currently have sex 4 or 5 times a week. You are picky and choosing, while he is not. He enjoys seeing you with many men. You have a nice body and can attract any man, but do not want to do so.

So tell me, with your current dampened sex appetite, you are sleeping together 4 or 5 times, more than what he normally desires. Does this mean you attract him to you to sleep more with you?

How many times a month you go swinging? Actually it is Group sex. And out of these how many times you just watched or loitered without interacting sexually with someone?

How is the quality of your sex? Does he satisfy you sexually?

His desire to see you with other men, may stem from his desire to wanting you to be satisfied sexually, if he is failing to satisfy you himself. This is one of the reasons why men fantasise or want to share their wives. But it is obvious that this is not your cup of tea.

I want to know when you swing (or Group sex), is he fully occupied by himself with another woman, or does he want you near him to watch you have sex with another person?

In your day to day life, is he picky how you dress, that is, does he want to see you attract men or women?

You say you have agreed to tell each other of attractions, and it is clear that he has had many over the years. Attraction is fine, as long as it is purely sexual. Have you ever discussed someone you were attracted to, or someone he is attracted to, in details? I mean does he elaborate on this. I am not sure if you intended to say that he meets with his attractions behind your back. Does he?

How old are your children? How is your recent everyday married life? Does it cruise normally like it did when you got married?

In your late 'forties you are still in your sexual prime. Women's sexual desires (and sexual aggressiveness) are highest between 35 and 45, with many till 50, if not beyond.

@MiaAntonia His desire to see you with other men, may stem from his desire to wanting you to be satisfied sexually, if he is failing to satisfy you himself. This is one of the reasons why men fantasise or want to share their wives. But it is obvious that this is not your cup of tea.

I have to disagree, the desire to watch your wife have sex with another man is a pure cuckold fetish, something extremely common amongst swingers. Cuckholding is BDSM, There’s something very humiliating for a man having to watch his woman being pleasured by another guy, reducing him to “nothing”, the possibility of his future child being someone else’s, of his partner getting attached etc… it has an extremely submissive element.All this stuff is what makes cuckholding appealing. Watching your partner having sex with another person is a fetish, a cuckold fetish, not a “I just want him/her to be happy” situation.

I disagree that the op's partner shows submissive tendencies. He seems to be controlling her access to sex partners (he runs the account, she can't meet for socials, it's on his terms) and not doing what she enjoys (which really does not seem to be group sex with strange men).

I'd call this more common or garden 'making my wife act like a hooker' controlling fantasy.
He's in control, not her.

Forget swinging as judging by my DH, he just wants me to be ....... and watched or me tell him later. It's simple and uncomplicated. One rule he sticks to bar one/twice over the years and that is never to meet the same bloke more than once as he fears I may fall in love. However, every bloke that I've had is cheating on the GF/partner/wife etc. DH does ask for single guys but everyone he has chosen admits to cheating.

I do it for him but once I'm there I do it for myself but won't hump up and down about it as it may make him a bit jealous. He did say to me once that a bloke told me him that I went "wilD...lefter her (me).." and asked me why I did not say. I told him I was embarrassed/shy talking about it and he accepted that.

TBH, I want unprotected sex with the blokes but DH has a point re safety but it can get wild and you need to control yourself and condoms can tear.

Swinging is different and ladies from whom I've met and talked to inc me don't want to see their OH with another woman as its a turn off and this is what confuses me re blokes how they get turned on when their wife/gf is with anothet

ex professional dominatrix here. Submissive men can be the biggest control fr-aks ever! Also, there’s nothing like black or white in bdsm, eg: some powerful men are very dominant in their life and have everyone singing their tune but have this extremely submissive side that only comes out in their chosen safe space at their chosen time with the chosen person. My ex was a little bit like the OP’s partner, a cheeky little bastard with a very high professional profile very dominant alpha male type who was used to bossing everyone around. Once inside the bedroom he had very extreme submissive fantasies.

in the end he turned out to be a little bit of a manipulative selfish c-nt so I got rid.

my own personal experience is that cuckholding is more popular with men.

@articskewer, He's in control, not her.

Yes.

so in your experience did these submissive men, as part of their submissive experience, go online and select men for their wives to have sex with even though their wives didn't want to?

When I meet men like that I don't call that behaviour submissive. I'd be expecting the wife to be doing the organising, as part of the whole humiliation, for it to be subby.

I meet men like op's husband all the time.

They are just controlling dicks who like making their wives do stuff they don't want to do. I expect he gets off on watching her do it even though she doesn't want to. That's a whole different fetish - one a professional dominatrix isn't really needed for!

Sure, he may separately be meeting dommes or doing other submissive stuff but op hasn't mentioned that. I just don't think this sounds at all like cuckolding. Just common or garden controlling dick.

I am afraid you are focusing on "cuckolding" which is one of many reasons why a man wants to share his wife. Cuckolding, psychologically speaking, a man getting sexual gratification from the humiliation in seeing his wife taken by another man.

And as a matter of fact "cuckolding" it is not the main reason why a man wants to share his wife. There are more important reasons for wife-sharing.

From the description "hardtodiscuss" gave of her husband, though I do not possess all the necessary details for a complete assessment, he is certainly not a "cuckold." For your information, a "cuckold does not fuck women left and right," like her husband does, but focuses on his woman being taken and usually without seeking enthusiastically to interact with other women. It looks like Hardtodiscuss' husband was getting his sexual gratification in doing other women, and not from humiliation.

This is a long and complicated topic.

this is what confuses me re blokes how they get turned on when their wife/gf is with another
I have always thought that the appeal for men is that the woman is like a prized possession and by letting other men 'have a turn' with her, well it's a way of raising their status in the eyes of the other men.
The underline messages I own and control this woman who will do things that other women won't and you can have a turn with her but now you owe me a favour/you have to see me as the alpha male who magnanimously shares with the subordinate males.
So the payoff for him is the sexual pleasure of watching them combined with the fact that it raises his status in the eyes of other men.
I would argue that the latter is much more significant to men than we perhaps realise?

What you are suggesting is one of the reasons why men may want to share their wives. Specifically, the man is very proud of the sexual prowess of his wife, and he wants to share her to show how good she is. With some going all the way to see his wife sexually "consume" or "annihilate" other men.