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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 22:32

Crazycrazylady · 02/12/2022 21:38

Op.,
I don't think I'd be happy in a sexless relationship.? How long has it been since you've had sex? Does he generally have to beg?
Maybe ye are just mismatched and should just separate?

10 days, she's not had sex in 10 days, bloody hell is less than once a week a sexless marriage now!

AccioChocolate · 02/12/2022 23:04

Crazycrazylady · 02/12/2022 21:38

Op.,
I don't think I'd be happy in a sexless relationship.? How long has it been since you've had sex? Does he generally have to beg?
Maybe ye are just mismatched and should just separate?

Read the thread. He's gone ten days and her father is very ill and they have four kids. In what world is that a sexless marriage?

Stompythedinosaur · 03/12/2022 02:04

I am so, so shocked by this thread.

I cannot believe that any woman is advising another woman to accept marital rape. Because that is what the "just let him fuck you even though you don't want it" posters are saying.

No man is entitled to sex, ever.

Decent men aren't aroused by the prospect of sex with an unwilling partner.

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 04:08

I think it's good that he is communicating his needs and I don't think saying sex to escape stress is a bad thing. I would be flattered if sex with me was an escape, it sounds romantic and that the experience means so much to him it makes him feel better and like he is in a different world. That's what I would like to get from sex, escape and destress!
You both need to meet each other halfway. If you're saying what you need to have sex (going away from a weekend) is unrealistic to happen due to work and children then you're effectively saying no sex for the foreseeable. Perhaps a compromise is a night out or he takes a day off holiday while children at school.
Sex is incredibly important to most men and they start getting resentful when they don't get it followed by straying. Most women want the emotional connection but sex is how many men experience and express intimacy. You both have to compromise and make an effort with each other otherwise you'll find yourself in a sexless marriage, husband cheating and miserable, bickering about every little thing and have grown an ocean apart. What I say may not be feminist but I believe is true for most hetero couples.

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 04:16

It doesn't matter that it's 10 days if for his libido level 10 days is too long then it's too long his needs aren't getting met. It's ok for him to express this as it is ok for her to say no I don't want sex. This is not advocating marital rape it's about being realistic that you both have needs and you both need to make an effort. The op is not coping well and letting it affect her marital life. Her husband is reaching out for support in the way he needs it and she's refusing him. Neither of them is dealing with stress well and the last thing they need is to also push each other away when it sounds like they need to be closer than ever with everything going on around them.

Muniononion · 03/12/2022 06:57

BigglyBee · 02/12/2022 10:04

I think the answer is to tell him how it makes you feel when he talks to you like that. I've been there (after our daughter was stillborn, he put a lot of pressure on me to have sex because he found it "comforting"). I was utterly revolted by him doing that, and wanted to be left alone.

I doubt this is going to be quickly fixed because there are obviously underlying issues, but hopefully he can understand that pressuring you in any way is not likely to be helpful. Getting out and doing something fun together is likely to help you in any case, because you need a break from the stress your father's illness is causing. Perhaps he will also see that supporting you with that will make him more attractive to you, who knows?

Show quote history

@BigglyBee that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. RIP to your daughter, I’m sure you would have been in pieces at the time and that this loss remains with you. Your partner let you down big time, you deserved better than that. I hope you got some resolution 💐

Friendlyear22 · 03/12/2022 07:14

I completely get where you are both coming from. It’s a different priority for you both right now. I’ve been there. Two things I’ve done and would 100% recommend with zero judgment, just absolute massive bonuses of things that have improved my life immeasurably and made me feel more in control and satisfied, no actually happy!!

  1. If you can find a way of having a couple of couples therapy sessions. Not because anything js wrong, or you don’t love each other.. but just for a weekly outlet.. a space to talk, be heard in a non judgmental environment and learn to hear what is really being said. We felt so much closert after one session. Really. We were just communicating a little differently, but ultimately wanted the same things.
  2. Get a bedroom box if you don’t already have one. Vibrators (anything by Lelo), lube, massage oils. You are guaranteed to be more satisfied and focus him onto your satisfaction a bit more. Sex is complex for women after a certain age and if it’s feeling a little stale. Then find a way to start loving it again. We are both so happy we did. We’ve had so much fun and feel so deeply connected.

good luck and I hope you get what you want from this xx

ladyluck13 · 03/12/2022 07:33

Some bloody misogynistic comments here, I'm shocked....suggesting that he may cheat because he hasn't has sex in 10 days? really?
I get it, my ex was like that, always felt entitled, whether I was in the mood or not....once suggesting he'd be quick n I could just lay there 😆
Women are not there to service men's sexual needs, regardless of how hard they've worked, are stressed etc etc..

Love26life · 03/12/2022 07:37

Can I add a point of view here…
Im the wife with a high sex drive who needs sex regularly to feel connected to my husband! He does not share this feeling!
It hugely affects my mood and sometimes I don’t even realise! After I’ve had that emotional connection with him I feel on top of the world and it makes me feel secure in our marriage! When things are tough in life I want to have sex to connect with him almost a way of saying hey everything is ok!
we do not have any other physical intimacy other than sex because he’s not really into affection where as I crave it and I know sex is the only way I get it!
Sex makes me feel loved and secure, it does make me happier and it does make me feel less stressed and anxious!
i can sympathise with you though as I know I drive my husband nuts as it’s not how he deals with situations! I’m just trying to give another POV

TeaAndJaffacakes · 03/12/2022 07:57

OP, have you tried scheduling sex?
Hear me out.
To feel loved you need time and your husband doing things for you. So he sets aside a time, in advance, arranges a babysitter for the kids or something (kids all at school so can do a lunch date at home?). Your husband needs touch and kind words to feel loved, which he knows is scheduled to happen on Friday at lunchtime or Saturday night when the kids are out watching a movie at Grandma’s place. So he doesn’t pester you at times when you’re not in the mood. And you have a time and place and situation in mind that will put you in mood.
Obviously it’s not a binding contract or anything and if either of you are not up for it on the day, you reschedule.

Oblomov22 · 03/12/2022 08:00

I can't believe the posts either. Moving grandad in nursing home, then Dh wanting sex. To help him because he's 'down'. Oh purlease.

Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 08:13

@Eoooo I think I would just give in, and then later (not immediately, but f.i. during the week-end) tell him you weren't happy with how the sex happened and "could we talk about this?" Then take it from there, agree on booking a date night regularly, make special time for each-other. You both need an escape from all the stress with his job, your elderly father.

BigMamageddon · 03/12/2022 08:53

My reply is not to just have sex.

I have actually brought it up in therapy how much it makes me angry, the expectations of sex - especially from women. The idea that men and other women perpetuate - that we need to provide our men with sex regularly because ‘poor them’ and otherwise they have a ‘right’ to wander. As though sex buys us some sort of loyalty and affection. It goes very deep into our culture. I have heard from sooo many women ‘of course he cheated, his wife didn’t want to have sex or give him head’. I’ve seen it even on this post from commenters, be careful or he will wander.

What a crock of sh*t.

It’s worth asking yourself, what is sex for you? What does it represent? What do you want it to be about in your partnership?

And then maybe have a conversation with your man.

Obligation sex is the biggest turn off for me and my partner. So I’m with you! My partner is brilliant at giving me some space and allowing us to redefine and reshape intimacy. Yes we have sex but our intimacy doesn’t rely on sex.

There are many ways to share in intimacy. AND there is nothing that says you’re supposed to have sex with your partner ‘this often’. Except culture.

I hear a lot that inside of relationships, we worry about our frequency of sex, more than we do about actual sex. And that it drives us crazy.

You have autonomy. You do not have to offer up your body to your husband whenever he feels ‘stressed’. You are a person, a woman and sex can be whatever you want it to be but it is not an obligation.

I’m with you on this OP.

BigMamageddon · 03/12/2022 08:54

ladyluck13 · 03/12/2022 07:33

Some bloody misogynistic comments here, I'm shocked....suggesting that he may cheat because he hasn't has sex in 10 days? really?
I get it, my ex was like that, always felt entitled, whether I was in the mood or not....once suggesting he'd be quick n I could just lay there 😆
Women are not there to service men's sexual needs, regardless of how hard they've worked, are stressed etc etc..

THIS.

UglyNameChange · 03/12/2022 09:02

Offtopic: Is it weird that I have no idea what all this ’connection’ and ’intimacy’ from/during sex means?

Seriously, I don’t relate at all to those comments.

AdamRyan · 03/12/2022 09:51

It doesn't matter that it's 10 days if for his libido level 10 days is too long then it's too long his needs aren't getting met

Sex is not a need. He can wank. Plenty of people go without sex for months/years.

The sex is not the problem here. The problem is op is totally overwhelmed and her husband is only interested in adding more pressure to her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 09:52

UglyNameChange · 03/12/2022 09:02

Offtopic: Is it weird that I have no idea what all this ’connection’ and ’intimacy’ from/during sex means?

Seriously, I don’t relate at all to those comments.

Well weird sounds derogatory so I won’t say that but we obviously have different experiences and I absolutely do find sex with the right person provides and maintains both connection and intimacy. From my POV how could it not. Is it something you’d like or you just don’t think is possible?

loislovesstewie · 03/12/2022 09:56

Of course he can have a wank, but sometimes a person wants to have sex with the person that they love. I'm talkng about me here too. It's the closeness that's important as well as physical release.

UglyNameChange · 03/12/2022 10:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 09:52

Well weird sounds derogatory so I won’t say that but we obviously have different experiences and I absolutely do find sex with the right person provides and maintains both connection and intimacy. From my POV how could it not. Is it something you’d like or you just don’t think is possible?

Show quote history

At this point I don’t care.
People just kept repeating it and made me wonder.

I’m staying single for life, mostly because then I don’t have to have sex.
To me it was always a massive source of anxiety and made me miserable.
Just to be clear: I don’t believe there’s anything ’wrong’ with sex, it’s was just men’s entitlement about it, I found it often painful/degrading (again because how men went about it) and also at the end of the it really wasn’t as big of a deal as people make it to be.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 03/12/2022 10:15

@Eoooo if DH was using me for stress relief I'd feel like my role in our marriage had been relegated to "sex doll"

I hear what DH is saying, sex IS a stress reliever and it's a wonderful connection but when he's made you feel like you need to service him, lie back and think of England, because he needs a stress reliever it's no wonder you're not in the mood and finding him unattractive.

Myself and DH both have stressful jobs, kids, money worries and to top it off I have a health condition which means sex is once a month if we're lucky. We have found our rhythm and peace with this now, but in our 30s this was a major bone of contention and we argued a lot. DH felt rejected and I felt like it didnt matter that I was in pain. You've just got to keep talking to each other about it.

Mayflier · 03/12/2022 11:17

@UglyNameChange It's not weird to have not found intimacy and connection through sex. We all have different upbringings and attachment styles and this will affect our feelings around sex and sexual partners. I would be surprised if I became someone who was able to happily have casual sex as it's not worked for me in the past but who knows... life changes.

hot2trotter · 03/12/2022 11:38

My DP is exactly the same and it actually disgusts me. We've tried talking but it always comes back to the same thing - he wants sex more than I do. We can't even have a hug without him feeling me up so now I don't even want to hug him. I feel your pain OP.

WisherWood · 03/12/2022 11:55

I don't think I'd be happy in a sexless relationship.? How long has it been since you've had sex?

I do wonder, when people describe going a few weeks without sex as 'sexless', how they would feel if their husband had a mistress they 'only' had sex with every few weeks. Is that also sexless and absolutely fine?

Just to be clear: I don’t believe there’s anything ’wrong’ with sex, it’s was just men’s entitlement about it, I found it often painful/degrading (again because how men went about it) and also at the end of the it really wasn’t as big of a deal as people make it to be.

Until I met my current partner, I thought sex was just sex. Sometimes it was bad, sometimes it was fun. It was never about emotional intimacy. That's all changed with my current partner. I mean it's not always the union of two souls, even with him. Sometimes it is just fun and stress relieving. But now, I've realised what the fuss is all about. I'm not saying that will happen for everyone, but it took me until my late 40s for this to happen.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/12/2022 12:08

Does he not know about wanking?

Beefcurtains79 · 03/12/2022 14:49

This thread is vomit inducing, I can’t believe it’s real. So many posters saying OP should have sex when she doesn’t want it, and boo hooing over a man not having sex.
For 10. Fucking. Days.