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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Mingemopper69 · 02/12/2022 13:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HolidaysAreComin · 02/12/2022 13:51

I don't understand why a man wanting sex with his wife is odd? If I'm stressed having some fun with my husband does take my mind off it, I don't understand why that's wrong? If you don't want sex well fine don't have it, but I don't see anything wrong with a man saying I'm feeling stressed fancy a bit of fun to help me relax?

loislovesstewie · 02/12/2022 13:59

You have told him that you are unhappy and feeling overwhelmed and it's quite understandable that you are. Do you think that your DH is also under some undue stress/pressure that he can't or won't articulate to you? Is his job OK? Is he worried about money or losing his job? I know that isn't very logical but might be worth thinking about. So, he wants sex as a comfort as well as sexual relief so to speak.

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 14:05

Completely, he tells me daily his stresses with work! He refuses to cut down his hours. He has a ‘financial plan’ that he won’t deviate from. He’s worried about lack of pensions etc.

he wants to have sex to feel better about all this. I offered him a hug before he left as long as he didn’t also feel me up. He agreed and it was nice to give him a hug. But it’s annoying it’s me that has to make him feel better. I’m self employed and I’ve had to take most of the week off due to df, ds and I had to help dh buy clothes for a works thing.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/12/2022 14:07

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:57

@HellsCominWithMe this is interesting. He was a complicated character before his rapid Alzheimer’s decline…

Still surprised at how many vote for ‘just have sex with dh’.

I’ve shown him this thread now as he’s wfh. He’s completely miserable.

It’s a testament to the number of women who think they owe their DH’s sex and just lie back and think of England.

Mirabai · 02/12/2022 14:11

HolidaysAreComin · 02/12/2022 13:51

I don't understand why a man wanting sex with his wife is odd? If I'm stressed having some fun with my husband does take my mind off it, I don't understand why that's wrong? If you don't want sex well fine don't have it, but I don't see anything wrong with a man saying I'm feeling stressed fancy a bit of fun to help me relax?

Wanting and having sex when you both want it = normal.

Wanting sex when your wife is overwhelmed with 4 kids and elderly parents to care for and applying pressure to get it = massive turn off.

Julienne4467 · 02/12/2022 14:15

When my Dad had terminal cancer and we were taking care of him at home, I no longer wanted to have sex with my husband as my Dad's heartbreaking situation took over my whole physical and mental being for over a year. I understand, OP, but your husband will eventually look elsewhere for the love and the intimacy between you that can only come from sex. If he doesn't get that special connection he always had with you, as well as being really sad about it, eventually, he really will start to separate himself from you and go elsewhere, or it will find him.

loislovesstewie · 02/12/2022 14:29

Are the concerns about pensions real? Sorry but I think he might be heading for actual stress related issues. I started to worry about every little thing, and a huge amount was irrational, I ended up being treated for anxiety /stress, seeing a therapist and ultimately taking early retirement. I'm not, of course, saying that is happening with him, but perhaps he needs some counseling to get perspective. Perhaps you both would benefit?

AdamRyan · 02/12/2022 14:52

I offered him a hug before he left as long as he didn’t also feel me up.
Oh gosh op this sounds like more entrenched unhealthy behaviours than just a temporary lack of sex.
Does he often feel you up if you offer any physical affection? Because that's also not very good for your marriage as you will end up not touching as it means you get hassled for sex.
The more you write on here the more I think you are underreacting to him being quite coercive regarding sex, possibly because of your father's attitudes and what you saw when growing up.

This really sounds like a him problem, nota you problem.

Dervel · 02/12/2022 15:10

I’m glad he’s admitted he’s dropped the ball re: supporting you with your father’s Alzheimer’s. There still seems to be genuine care in existence between you. Use that to launch into some heartfelt conversations. It sounds very much like you have an intimacy issue in the marriage more so than a sexual one. Although that I suspect is a symptom.

layladomino · 02/12/2022 16:37

He doesn't come across at all well Op.

Just having a parent with Alzheimers is awful and stressful and upsetting, and it goes on and on. And yet he thinks you should be the one supporting him. So, as well as worrying about your job and children and home and your elderly, ill parent, he wants you to focus on worrying about him too.

While noone worries about you.

And the help he wants from you? Sex with him, even when you don't fancy it. Even when you're exhausted and mentally drained from worry about your DF.

He is selfish, uncaring and clueless about being a partner in a healthy relationship. All deeply unattractive traits which will of course make you even less likely to want to have sex with him. SO he isn't very bright either.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/12/2022 16:49

Tough one

I’ve got a new FWB and I always want to shag
it’s it’s an escape ! And reduces stress

but many long term married women don’t want sex with their OH
its nothing unusual see it all the time
and many men also

do you fancy him and could you feel horny for him again and talk ?

or do you literally not fancy him ?

I think it’s a problem as put brutally if they arnt getting it at home they might feel ‘entitled’ to look
elsewhere

it’s totally crap , but it’s kind of how it goes sadly

DMLady · 02/12/2022 17:01

I hear you, OP. My DH is exactly the same — even in the way he feels quite down if we’ve not had sex for a week or so. I don’t like it either — I feel under pressure to have sex to keep him happy (even though he doesn’t explicitly put me under pressure, if that makes sense), but the more under pressure I feel, the less likely I am to want sex… I don’t have any answers, I’m afraid, but am conscious that it can be a tricky situation to resolve. I guess part of it in my case is that I simply don’t want as much sex as DH does — but equally, he doesn’t exactly make me want to have sex, the way he approaches it… (sorry, that’s very rambling and not sure it even makes sense!)

Mooshamoo · 02/12/2022 17:19

All the women saying that she should have sex when she doesn't want to, here is shocking.

You know that is rape right? I think a lot of people on here need consent classes.

Sex should only happen when there is enthusiastic consent.

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/12/2022 17:33

Mooshamoo · 02/12/2022 17:19

All the women saying that she should have sex when she doesn't want to, here is shocking.

You know that is rape right? I think a lot of people on here need consent classes.

Sex should only happen when there is enthusiastic consent.

Of course.

Additional to that, marriage only works if the sex drives of the people involved are broadly aligned. It's not about sex on tap, it's about compatibility long term.

kateandme · 02/12/2022 18:00

And those saying what’s wrong with him wanting intimacy with his wife.this isn’t what he wants.he wants a stress relieving shag.

Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 18:09

Mooshamoo · 02/12/2022 17:19

All the women saying that she should have sex when she doesn't want to, here is shocking.

You know that is rape right? I think a lot of people on here need consent classes.

Sex should only happen when there is enthusiastic consent.

I certainly wasn’t saying that. I was saying expressing a desire to have sex to relieve stress isn’t inherently offensive. That does not mean, of course, op should have sex if she doesn’t want to.

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/12/2022 18:23

kateandme · 02/12/2022 18:00

And those saying what’s wrong with him wanting intimacy with his wife.this isn’t what he wants.he wants a stress relieving shag.

Well heaven forfend that anyone ever wants sex for any reason other than the intimate conjunction of two pure souls. What's next, wanting sex because you feel horny? Hmm

Mayflier · 02/12/2022 18:51

I don't think anyone should ever have sex wtih anyone they don't want to. The OP and her husband should not let this turn into a battle where one of them is eventually going to have to backdown. Rather, they have some deep thinking and talking to do. About what they want from life for the next 5-10 years and whether they want to do that as a couple or not.

I know that at times of stress (death of parent, serious burnout at work but worrying we couldn't afford for me to quit, first lockdown etc) I always want a lot more sex with my husband of 15 years. I don't want sex with just anyone. I don't want to masturbate for a quick route to orgasmic stress relief... I want to have sex with my husband. Because deep down I'm feeling scared and in those moments with him I feel connected and secure without having to think or talk about shit. Because it's him. It's us. And if I had the emotional intelligence that the OP's husband probably has I would also say it was 'stress relief escape' which of course is going to make the other person feel like a sex prop. But, for me, the idea my husband is a sex prop in those periods couldn't be further from the truth.

Fuwari · 02/12/2022 20:11

From an outsiders perspective, it looks to me like you’re only taking on board the posts that agree with you. In your OP you said you were looking for “different opinions” but all your responses are to those who agree with you. Even down to saying you sent the link to your DH (nasty move imo) as if everyone was overwhelmingly agreeing with you. And yet many people have pointed out your DH’s perspective. Are you blind to those posts? Do you actually want to save your marriage? Or do you just want everyone to tell you what a horrible sex pest your DH is?

I have every sympathy with what you’re dealing with, the situation with your father etc. In a strong, stable marriage then yes absolutely he should/could show you more support. But I get the sense these issues have been going on for sometime and your DH is miserable. So not in the best position to offer the support you’re seeking. So I’ll agree with those on the “other side”. Leave him. Let him find happiness with someone else. I’m not sure you love him or even like him right now. Best for you both to split.

immigrant002 · 02/12/2022 20:17

Hmm i don't understand what makes u fell depressed and offended ? You are his comfort you make him feel good and he forgets his troubles when he is with you
Please appreciate your husband more as you said he works hard he is a lovely father what is wrong with what he said ?

MiniHouse · 02/12/2022 20:22

I think I see this differently now. It's like he has a higher sex drive linked to stress (I also have this, I get it). There's nothing wrong with that per se. It's about connection and feeling horny - all normal. But it's how he's goes about it. So you are prioritising other things like looking after kids, family etc.. or would like a nice date. And so you don't feel you're getting support in the way you want it. For example if he walked in, asked how was your day, listened, said I've booked a restaurant and babysitter Saturday, offered empathy when needed etc.. you'd probably feel a lot better if the next evening he wanted sex and went about it in a more measured way.

If it's just like I have needs, fulfill them, that won't seem fair and could put you off..

If this is the case I wonder if it's more about making your wants and needs clear and saying ok let's each set aside time for our asks. Like one date night, one film night, two intimate nights that may be sex...

Something to think about anyway..

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 20:27

immigrant002 · 02/12/2022 20:17

Hmm i don't understand what makes u fell depressed and offended ? You are his comfort you make him feel good and he forgets his troubles when he is with you
Please appreciate your husband more as you said he works hard he is a lovely father what is wrong with what he said ?

Maybe she would like a little comfort, be made to feel good, to forget her troubles. She has a lot on her plate at the moment and it sounds like her DHs mood only improves if he gets sex when he wants. Fundamentally there is nothing wrong in wanting to have sex with your wife. But equally there is something fundamentally wrong if you want to have sex with your wife whether or not she wants it. And asking for sex the day she's come back from settling her dad into a nursing home, instead of offering her some comfort in the manner she would have preferred is selfish.

We don't just exist to service mens sexual needs, at the expense of them ignoring our emotional needs.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2022 21:13

For Christ's sake, to the people asking what is wrong with sex as stress relief! No, there is nothing wrong with finding sex helps you manage your stress. But completely ignoring what is going on in your partners life, demanding sex to help you manage your stress and sulking or doing sad face when you dont have it, and having zero empathy or concern for their needs - surely you can all see why that is wrong? OP, hope he can understand that the way he is going about this is actually killing any chance of intimacy between you.

Crazycrazylady · 02/12/2022 21:38

Op.,
I don't think I'd be happy in a sexless relationship.? How long has it been since you've had sex? Does he generally have to beg?
Maybe ye are just mismatched and should just separate?