He had a girlfriend all this time

[Cloudyydaze]

I suppose I'm looking for a bit of advice and support here just to make sure I'm seeing things clearly.
I've been seeing a man for nearly a year, and I just found out he lives with his girlfriend (that I didn't know he had).

I'm in shock not just at the lies but now seeing how I'd explained away all the red flags. He'd told me his Uncle had moved in with him towards the end of the pandemic as they'd both lived alone. This was obviously his reasoning why I'd never gone round to his house.

In the summer, he also announced that his 'Uncle' was desperate to get a puppy and they'd agreed to effectively get one as a 'house dog', but which would ultimately be the Uncle's responsibility. Turns out this was really the girlfriend. I even got him to admit that the birthday trip he went on with 'a mate' was really her- apparently sleeping in the same room but no sex (I'm still going to get tested).

When I found out, he told me it 'wasn't how it seemed' and that it was complicated, that it had effectively been over for years. He said they hadn't slept together for years (really?!), and that they wanted different things. When I asked whether she would say the same and does she consider them in a relationship, he said she refers to them as 'just housemates', that they sleep in seperate rooms. He says the only reason he stays is because he has money tied up in their house and he's been financially supporting her since she lost her job. My point is, if any of this were true, and they're just exes living together, why didn't he tell me?

Even as I'm writing this I can see how ridiculous this situation is. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of support to make sure I stay strong- because he's gone in to overdrive sticking his claws in. Crying, telling me he loves me, never been so sure of anything in his life, I make him so happy, he wants a long term future with me blahblahblah. Saying we both want to be together so if I walk away we'll both be unhappy. He's basically refusing to take 'no' for an answer.

I just need to know I'm doing the right thing by having some self-respect and walking away, that I don't owe him a second chance. And I also hope this post/thread helps anyone looking at similar red flags being explained away by sob stories, and gives them the strength to stand up.

He's behaved disgracefully. And yes, she deserves to know.

you could string him along & draw him out....or will he get nasty?

Id tell her, with screenshots. She needs to know what she's dealing with and make an informed choice. She may decide to stay with him but thats not your cross to bear.

I was the 'uncle' yes, even used 'I'm living with my uncle' the puppy could have been my 15mo old daughter.

I'm actual fact, I was not an uncle or a housemate, I was a dutiful partner. I felt sick when I found out he had left our family for his gf. They told me it was over, not that I would have had him back. I proved it was a lie with the electoral role like you, so by default I have to admire your tenacity.

I remember feeling and being physically sick when I realised I had been doing his washing (dirty pants after shagging her) making him a full English breakfast when he had returned from a 'night shift'. Working out the exact night they had slept together for the first time, whilst I had been up all night with a sick baby that needed to go to hospital, that I couldn't get there because I had a 7yr old asleep and he was on a 'night shift'.

Tell her. It's not only about the lies he's told you, it's about what he's done to her too. From the other side, I would have respected the OW a whole lot more. Instead, she became as bad as him and literally launched a hate campaign against me.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I am also sorry for her. Please tell her before children are involved. Let her make a choice. She can choose to stay and can't blame you for that. Rightly on wrongly, if she doesn't find out this time; she will find out about another and as another PP pointed out. There maybe children involved then. There's nothing worse then worrying about how you can afford to keep them safe and warm.

Sorry this has happened to you. Cut him out his life and just don't say nothing. She might not believe you and he might lie saying it was you chasing him.

Just walk away and leave him be.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I'm so glad I posted this as it's helping me a lot.
I must admit I took a lot of strength being able to figure out a way to prove it for myself, it felt like affirmation that I was still smart enough to take initiative and defend myself.

In answer to some PPs' questions- I also don't understand why he's tried so hard to keep me, knowing his precarious position. He's probably terrified by the prospect of being without anyone for sex or attention.
It did (I think understandly) cross my mind that his parents may not actually be dead, so again I'm ashamed to admit that once I found out about the his girlfriend, I felt sick at the thought he might have lied about that, that almost would've been worse, so I checked it on FindMyPast.
Sadly, they both are. But that isn't an excuse for treating others this way. And the girlfriend will have been there for him through the death of his father.

@cleanbreak2022 I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. It made me feel sick reading it tbh, like this is what this girlfriend could be/would be going through.
I hope you and your children find happiness away from the b$£@_!%.

It's strangely interesting to hear you sued the electoral roll too, I really had to dig to even find out it was an option, couldn't seem to find anyone with any experience of using it. So I hope anyone in a similar situation anyone reading this feels empowered that this is an option.

You have solid Sherlock skills. I think you should actually be proud of this! You've got yourself out of a sticky situation.

Thank you @AnotherCountryMummy! 😊

I know we're kind of taught as women to walk away and do the dignified silence thing.
But I expect that's conveniently encouraged by 'men' like this. Becaude the peace and confidence comes from taking control and proving your not some crazy over-emotional woman... it's pretty satisfying 😌