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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had a girlfriend all this time

59 replies

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 10:04

I suppose I'm looking for a bit of advice and support here just to make sure I'm seeing things clearly.
I've been seeing a man for nearly a year, and I just found out he lives with his girlfriend (that I didn't know he had).

I'm in shock not just at the lies but now seeing how I'd explained away all the red flags. He'd told me his Uncle had moved in with him towards the end of the pandemic as they'd both lived alone. This was obviously his reasoning why I'd never gone round to his house.

In the summer, he also announced that his 'Uncle' was desperate to get a puppy and they'd agreed to effectively get one as a 'house dog', but which would ultimately be the Uncle's responsibility. Turns out this was really the girlfriend. I even got him to admit that the birthday trip he went on with 'a mate' was really her- apparently sleeping in the same room but no sex (I'm still going to get tested).

When I found out, he told me it 'wasn't how it seemed' and that it was complicated, that it had effectively been over for years. He said they hadn't slept together for years (really?!), and that they wanted different things. When I asked whether she would say the same and does she consider them in a relationship, he said she refers to them as 'just housemates', that they sleep in seperate rooms. He says the only reason he stays is because he has money tied up in their house and he's been financially supporting her since she lost her job. My point is, if any of this were true, and they're just exes living together, why didn't he tell me?

Even as I'm writing this I can see how ridiculous this situation is. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of support to make sure I stay strong- because he's gone in to overdrive sticking his claws in. Crying, telling me he loves me, never been so sure of anything in his life, I make him so happy, he wants a long term future with me blahblahblah. Saying we both want to be together so if I walk away we'll both be unhappy. He's basically refusing to take 'no' for an answer.

I just need to know I'm doing the right thing by having some self-respect and walking away, that I don't owe him a second chance. And I also hope this post/thread helps anyone looking at similar red flags being explained away by sob stories, and gives them the strength to stand up.

OP posts:

bjrce · 29/11/2022 10:09

"He's refusing to take no for an answer"?

Tell him you'll be calling over at 6pm this evening to tell the "housemate" about your year long relationship, see how that goes!

See how that goes!

Run as fast as your can!

supercali77 · 29/11/2022 10:11

No need to second guess yourself, you're exactly right. His refusal to accept the obvious consequences of his actions are nobodies problem but his own.

MollyOffHerTrolley · 29/11/2022 10:12

How did you find out?

The fact is that even if he is telling the truth about them being just housemates, he has lied from the start and carried on with the uncle and dog / holiday lies. Definitely red flags there.

minticecreamisjustok · 29/11/2022 10:12

Definitely done the right thing, run from this crazy loon.

supercali77 · 29/11/2022 10:12

The obvious thing to do is to call his bluff. 'No problem, whats your housemates number?'. Refuse to accept no for an answer.

Isittrueornot · 29/11/2022 10:15

If it’s just a housemate what’s the problem with you going around there for a coffee and cuddle then? Can the housemate confirm there not in a relationship

Bookworm20 · 29/11/2022 10:27

Well he has been lying to you for an entire year. So I'd say thats enough to tell him where to stick it.
And you only now know because you found out somehow that this 'uncle' was in fact his girlfriend. (Sorry, his female friend who used to be a girlfriend who he doesn't sleep with as they have seperate bedrooms, but she can't move out because he is supporting her finanically and he can't mopve out because he has money in the house that he somehow can't sell because she is living there being supported by him financially. Oh, and they recently got a puppy together).

If they were in fact as he now describes, why the need to lie? I imagine she doesn't know of your existence.

I imagine also that his 'housemate' is very much under the impression she is in a realtionship with him.

I bet if you went round she would tell a totally different story. And if you went round and she wasn't there, I can bet there is not a 'separate bedroom'.

If you're feeling strong OP, I'd be turning up unannounced, and see how that all plays out.

supercali77 · 29/11/2022 10:29

When I was still single and dating, and had friends in the same boat...we heard and saw so much rubbish like this that we thought the best question to ask a new date was 'Is there anyone in your life who thinks they are in a relationship with you'

chrimborambo · 29/11/2022 10:41

When and where were you seeing him? Were you going out together? Being seen together? Did you meet his family and his friends?

Original poster

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 10:42

@Bookworm20 your version of the 'not girlfriend, but....' description made me laugh and also see how far-fetched it is.

A PP asked how I found out- well I'd been suspicious for a while when I heard him on the phone giving an address different to the village he told me he lived in. I didn't want to jumping in with accusations, so I'm ashamed to say I went to great lengths to check out my suspicions.
I found out which council area the address I'd heard on the phone fell under, then booked an appointment to view the open electoral/ voting register.
You can look up specific addresses (rather than search by name) and it will show the names of all adults registered at that address.
Saw his name, then the name of a female I'd never heard of. One easy Google brought up her Facebook page- and the top photo was a collage including the exact puppy pick the guy had sent me previously.

I'm not proud of it, but it allowed me to understand why I'd been feeling suspicious and I that I can trust my own insticts, and prevented the inevitable gaslighting that would've happened had I not had hardcore solid knowledge to send him evidence of.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 10:47

@supercali77 that's a great question.

@chrimborambo we'd see each other at mine, meet up in public (but always VERY quiet places) and occasionally meet up on business trips etc.
I hadnt met his family and friends (which was something else seemingly suspicious), but I know both his parents have passed away, so thought there might be some sensitivities there.

Obviously now I know the real reason though.

OP posts:

RandomMusings7 · 29/11/2022 10:48

When someone wrongs you the first time it's on them.

When you forgive them and they use that second chance to wrong you again, that's on you.

Don't be stupid. Walk away.

chrimborambo · 29/11/2022 10:53

I think the facts show that she's not just his housemate. If he had introduced you to his family and friends, I might think differently, but he's kept you secret. What a shitty thing to do to two women.

Blewprint · 29/11/2022 10:57

Why aren't you proud of yourself? Well done. 👏

It amazes me how people are expected to honour the 'privacy' of others before looking after their own safety. And that's what you did, ensure your safety and that you have knowledge of what's going on in your own life through accessing information on public record.

He won't take 'no' because its gone on for so long and he's had it good. I've been there. If you think it will help you draw a line under things then please speak with the 'housemate' for your own satisfaction. Then you can move on completely.

Original poster

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 10:58

@chrimborambo I agree.
And I feel so bad for her as I'd put money on them being fully in a proper relationship.
He admitted she wants to have a baby and he doesn't. So I feel even worse for her.

OP posts:

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2022 11:03

bjrce · 29/11/2022 10:09

"He's refusing to take no for an answer"?

Tell him you'll be calling over at 6pm this evening to tell the "housemate" about your year long relationship, see how that goes!

See how that goes!

Run as fast as your can!

This. I’m sure his ex will be completely fine with you going round to meet her.

FluffySocks0 · 29/11/2022 11:07

He's probably trying to sweet talk you into staying with him because he's worried that you'll tell her what's been happening behind her back.

If what he says is true then he could clear up the whole situation by letting you visit the house or speak to her but I guarantee that they are still very much in a relationship and she has no idea about their apparent separation. He's not very original with his lies is he? He's a text book cheater and I'd run if I were you!

Original poster

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 11:09

Thank you @Blewprint, I'm so glad you said that. Totally agree, we're made to feel bad for looking in to this stuff, that it's treading in to the same territory as coercive and controlling behaviour and worse. And I understand sometimes it's a grey area.

But in a lot of cases, like this one, there were massive red flags, and I was being deceived, this was the only way for me to know the truth.
As you said, I only used publicly available information, and I am proud I managed to find away to find out for myself.

OP posts:

pumpkinsareshortlived · 29/11/2022 11:20

Well done OP. Respect for using your initiative but are you going to warn his partner? This poor woman could go on to have a baby with this cheater and likely be on MNet in a few years feeling totally blindsided to find he's shagging half the county and she's in a vulnerable position as SAHM of 2 or more DC.

Every woman deserves to have personal agency to make informed decisions about her life.

CarefreeMe · 29/11/2022 11:22

I was also in this situation but we met in public places, met his family and friends etc

I ended things straight away as the gf was pregnant with their 3rd child when I found out.

They would not have got a puppy if they weren’t in a serious relationship.

They are in a proper relationship, telling each other they love each other and having sex on a regular basis.

If you want to call his bluff tell him you are going to speak to the gf yourself.

If he wanted to be with you he would not be with the gf.

FinallyHere · 29/11/2022 11:25

supercali77 · 29/11/2022 10:12

The obvious thing to do is to call his bluff. 'No problem, whats your housemates number?'. Refuse to accept no for an answer.

This ^

PeloFondo · 29/11/2022 11:29

This happened to me, except I didn't challenge him. I found out they were engaged and together, I ended it with him and told his girlfriend

Dontaskdontget · 29/11/2022 11:30

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrible thing to discover.

Doesn’t actually matter if they’re having sex or not (and they are), he’s lied to you for a year = yoh can never believe a word he says = it is impossible to build a future with this man.

I’d try to find a way to tell his girlfriend that he’s cheated on her, she really shouldn’t have a baby with this creep, but I don’t know how you would do that other than a letter that he might intercept, unless you drop round when you know that he’s out which would be stressful.

PeloFondo · 29/11/2022 11:31

Oh and I found out on FB, by a pic she had uploaded of them together. He was with me for 10 months, and he's been with her for a decade

Original poster

Cloudyydaze · 29/11/2022 11:36

Thank you @pumpkinsareshortlived. I was actually going to ask whether people thought I should tell her or warn her? I know people can have differing opinions about that, but I'm inclined to agree with you. I wouldnt want to think of her on here for example in a few years time, left at home with a baby and upset because he's off shagging someone else.

His behaviour has been so sneaky and has scared me slightly, so how should I tell her but not put myself in danger? The guy doesn't know how I found out. I did think about sending her a FB message, but im not sure.

@CarefreeMe and @PeloFondo I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this too. How did it go when you told the gf, Pelo? And yes Carefree, that's exactly the point I made about the puppy commitment.

OP posts:

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