He had a girlfriend all this time

[Cloudyydaze]

I suppose I'm looking for a bit of advice and support here just to make sure I'm seeing things clearly.
I've been seeing a man for nearly a year, and I just found out he lives with his girlfriend (that I didn't know he had).

I'm in shock not just at the lies but now seeing how I'd explained away all the red flags. He'd told me his Uncle had moved in with him towards the end of the pandemic as they'd both lived alone. This was obviously his reasoning why I'd never gone round to his house.

In the summer, he also announced that his 'Uncle' was desperate to get a puppy and they'd agreed to effectively get one as a 'house dog', but which would ultimately be the Uncle's responsibility. Turns out this was really the girlfriend. I even got him to admit that the birthday trip he went on with 'a mate' was really her- apparently sleeping in the same room but no sex (I'm still going to get tested).

When I found out, he told me it 'wasn't how it seemed' and that it was complicated, that it had effectively been over for years. He said they hadn't slept together for years (really?!), and that they wanted different things. When I asked whether she would say the same and does she consider them in a relationship, he said she refers to them as 'just housemates', that they sleep in seperate rooms. He says the only reason he stays is because he has money tied up in their house and he's been financially supporting her since she lost her job. My point is, if any of this were true, and they're just exes living together, why didn't he tell me?

Even as I'm writing this I can see how ridiculous this situation is. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of support to make sure I stay strong- because he's gone in to overdrive sticking his claws in. Crying, telling me he loves me, never been so sure of anything in his life, I make him so happy, he wants a long term future with me blahblahblah. Saying we both want to be together so if I walk away we'll both be unhappy. He's basically refusing to take 'no' for an answer.

I just need to know I'm doing the right thing by having some self-respect and walking away, that I don't owe him a second chance. And I also hope this post/thread helps anyone looking at similar red flags being explained away by sob stories, and gives them the strength to stand up.

I was the girlfriend in this situation,lived together, 2 kids, marriage was on the cards etc etc, & then I found out he had been seeing someone basically a full blown relationship with someone else,he had brought our kids around her, everything,he told her he only stayed here for the kids,slept on the couch,our youngest was apparently a one night stand, we were together 4 years when I had him 🤷🏻‍♀️. We ended after I knew it all & they are still together,she's had a baby,& then I found out he'd got someone else pregnant whilst I was expecting our second child... She did me a favour in reality & is welcome to him as looking back he was a shit & I deserve better,I was heartbroken at the time & still sometimes mourn for the family I wanted. I'd guarantee you probably weren't the first & won't be the last as I know my ex is doing the OW dirty as she airs it all on FB. Good on you for walking away having respect for yourself,I'd try find a way to let her know ok she may not believe it but it will put her on alert

Thank you @Dontaskdontget. It's not an easy time, as I'm also only recently recovering from harassment at work.

And yes, regardless of the circumstances and how much of it is (or definitely isn't) true, I'd never be able to trust him.

I thought about sending her a letter, or FB message from a differently-named account? As I said he doesn't know how I found out, it could easily have been a mutual acquaintance or friend who told me as far as he'sconcerned. So that felt like the safest way to not directly lead back to me.

Ahhh @Fridaysgirl17 that's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that. It must have been so hard.

I'm glad that you broke free from him as you deserve better.

As much as there's a part of me that wants to walk away quietly, with dignity, all those things women are pressured to do to stay silent when we take this shit from men- I don't want to let this happen to someone else, knowing I can stop it and give her a choice back.

I'm trying to see it less as me destroying their relationship by telling her, and more about empowering her.

Yes, tell her, as worse than having a baby with him, she could waste all of her child bearing years with someone who won’t have a child with her - only for her to realise he’s a cheat and it wasn’t worth it (or for him to leave and have a child with someone else)

I'm confused about him telling you that she wants a baby, OP.
How did that conversation go? Yeah, my uncle is really my ex girlfriend, oh and she wants a baby?!
If you tell her you're going to have to supply her with concrete evidence otherwise he will wriggle out of it by calling you a stalker.

@Boolyboo that's exactly what I said to him- that regardless of the details the baby thing makes it way worse- because she'll either waste her child-bearing years with him while he likely gives her false hope.
Or she loves him that much and is that invested in the relationship that she'll let her baby wish pass her by to stay in a relationship with someone who's cheating behind her back.

She was pretty stunned but she's made her choice to stay I guess. They have a child together
He's busy playing happy families now and I think he's minimised it a lot to her, the usual spiel "didn't mean anything/she came on to me/it was just once" etc

I’m sorry OP, i would feel so sad if I found this out about my boyfriend after a year. But I would also be incandescent with rage. Now you know where he lives, I would be tempted to go round for a surprise visit and make sure I knock when they are both there …

@chrimborambo he told me she wanted a baby when I confronted him and he admitted they we 'living together'. He said part of the reason they drifted apart and stopped having sex (whatever) was because she wanted children and he doesn't. I said does she know you don't want them and he said she did.

@PeloFondo yeah, the constant minimising. I guess she had the knowledge of what he was like though and chose to stay anyway.
@Mumsanetta it is a combination of sad and angry. Unfortunately I can't confront him as I dont drive and he lives in a very remote village in the middle of nowhere.

Does part of you wonder how far he would have taken this if you hadn't caught him out? IDK how people stand the stress of leading a double life, it sounds like so much bother. Imagine trying to keep track of all the lies you've told.

@Thelnebriati yeah, I do keep wondering what would have happened if I didnt find out.

He'd started to hint at meeting my family etc, I wonder what he thought was going to happen had this continued.

I think for some people it feels like a game and they enjoy seeing how long they can keep all the plates spinning? If it goes wrong it's a learning opportunity for him to further hone his ability to manipulate and control people?

@Soothsayer1 exactly- it'll strengthen his arrogance and a ability to deceive, especially if she doesn't find out.

Which is why I'm leaning towards telling her.

I think I would want to tell her too if I was in your situation however if she has 'surrendered' to him then she will trust only him and won't believe you ....that's my thinking?
It seems weird that he's going to such lengths to keep you when he's in such a precarious position ....which suggests he doesn't see his position as precarious? Or he's trying to keep tabs on you so that he can make sure you don't inform her?
Possibly the best chance to help her is if you can quietly drop off his radar and he doesn't think you're any kind of threat to the situation with this woman?

If she's planning to get pregnant with this piece of work, she needs to know exactly what's going on.

Congratulations on your sleuthing skills! You've dodged a bullet there.

Well done on your Agatha Christie skills, impressive.

Yeah tell her, he's a dick. They might already have kids for all you know.

Quite!

I found out that my ExH was sleeping with my best friend, because when the ExH was drunk, I looked at his phone.

I knew something was up, but no one was ever going to be honest with me, so I took it into my own hands.

Even after I confronted them, they lied. It only stopped when I told them I'd seen their messages with my own eyes that went in to detail about the sex they'd been having.

Thank goodness I didn't put their "right to privacy" above my own right to know what the fuck was actually going on behind my back!!

Sorry OP, what a shit.

I definitely think you should tell her. Personally I'd sent a letter - but would print the name and address for the envelope in case he got suspicious of a hand-written one and intercepted it. Or you could message her on social media, but she might not see the message request or might just ignore it.

He's obviously a compulsive liar - and very comfortable doing it.

He's fed you an absolute crock of shit so I wouldn't be surprised if he's lying about loads of things - liars rarely just tell one lie! His parents probably aren't dead (that'll just be his excuse why you can't meet them). He could well be married to this other woman.

I would definitely tell her - she'll be living in blissful ignorance thinking this guy is mr wonderful and planning to have babies with him - I honestly think it's your duty to warn her.

Also: total bollocks that they aren't having sex - they ALWAYS say this!

He just likes having two women (maybe more?) on the go!

I would go to the house. I wouldn’t send a FB message, too easy for him to gaslight and lie. It needs to put him on the spot.

Tell the girlfriend.

Definitely tell the girlfriend/wife.

Dump him and definitely block.

How dare he lie to you like this for a year, honestly he's a first rate bastard.

A liar through and through.
Don't give him any chance to lie to you again.

So sorry you are in this situation op. Please tell his “housemate”. I’d hate to be in her position and not be told the truth about the selfish arse I was sharing my life with.