Page 34 | Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/12/2022 12:44

ItsMeHiImTheProblem · 19/12/2022 12:33

I've posted before under a different user name, but gave up on dating for a bit. I've recently tried again and I'm talking to someone currently. Just wanted to see what people thought about this.

He's 8 years younger than me, I'm late 50s. He has a disability, not keen to mention what as it would be very outing 😳 I'm fine with that, however one of the things I hoped for is someone who likes driving because I don't, but his disability means he can't drive. I can't work out if it's a deal breaker for me. He's reasonably attractive, but I don't feel sparks. However, we've only messaged and video chatted twice. We have lots to talk about though and lots in common.

I'm aware at my age most men are bald, which doesn't do it for me, and he isn't. Also found most men on dating apps just not very interesting, in fact boring, unable to ask questions or hold a conversation, he on the other hand is very talkative.

Should I wait and see if a spark develops and whether it's worth the hassle of always being the one driving? Or should I stop wasting his time?

Not all of us are Bald 👨‍🦲….

TBH, he might be chatty because he struggles to find matches as some people might overlook him ?

Personally I like driving, but I think twice about dating a woman who couldn’t drive at all.

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 12:51

BaddogGooddoggy · 19/12/2022 12:34

It’s interesting re MH and drink. My DD suffers from serious anxiety but giving up drinking, about a year ago, has helped her hugely in getting back to some sort of equilibrium so she can come off the medication, which she found numbed all her feelings, good and bad. For me, alcohol doesn’t really affect my MH (except to make me happy to have my nightly treat) but it definitely affects my physical health and really holds me back.

Mr B, perhaps inevitably for a British man in his 50s, drinks far too much, though I’ve only ever once seen him drunk. I don’t like this about him.

It bothers me a lot. I go weeks with no drinks. I only ever drink with food in front in a resto or at someone’s dinner do. I do enjoy wine but in huge moderation. My body can’t take more than 2 because I have no tolerance.
This is a problem in my relationship with Mr Ex too. If it’s a fun thing, drink, if it’s bad thing, drink, if it’s a meh thing, drink…Also being over 50s and still getting pissed …seriously??. Bad dark mood day after…

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/12/2022 12:52

5thWisdom · 19/12/2022 12:21

I've stopped drinking. It's been destroying my MH.

It's a complete myth that is helps as a coping mechanism. For me, it's made the past few years a million times worse.

Our culture supports and promotes alcohol abuse like it's hilarious fun. But it's not. It brings out a sad, cruel part of me (to myself and others) so I'm opting out.

This change is part of my new calm, clear, gentle chapter.

Show quote history

I stopped drinking years ago, it’s a good place to be.

ItsMeHiImTheProblem · 19/12/2022 12:53

No I'm aware not all of you are bald 😂 but a lot of men on apps seem to be 🤷‍♀️ nothing wrong with being bald, I just haven't found one I'm attracted to yet.

I can drive, I drive all the time, but only locally mainly, although I have driven further. I've been in a relationship before where the man didn't drive and it got me down a bit doing all the driving.

I'll give it a bit longer , we're planning to meet up in the new year, and I'll see how I feel then.

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 12:56

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 09:46

So things going well with MrFootball. We managed a sleepover this weekend while DC were with their Nan.

But I’m now reaching the point where I feel like I want to run away because it’s going too well. Does that make sense to anyone?

Ex was so emotionally manipulative whereas MrFootball seems like a completely open book and I feel myself falling for him. I keep thinking he will eventually figure out the truth about me so best to cut and run now to protect myself. I’ve been honest with him about this but then that feels like pity or whining. Ex really did a number on me 🤦🏻‍♀️

But I’m now reaching the point where I feel like I want to run away because it’s going too well. Does that make sense to anyone?
I totally understand this.
Also, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. I also discussed in detail my issues with my ex husband with Mr Ex back in the day…and even today. He also had some upsetting stories to tell on his side.
We all have a past. What matters is now and our future.
I’m so happy for you and I think it’s lovely you are falling in love. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. I’m in love too and have been for years. We can be honest here

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/12/2022 13:02

I think driving is a key life skill really, so I imagine he struggles quite a lot.

the woman I’m seeing has some anxiety around driving places she has never been but is better when I’m with her, so we can share the driving and I’ve show her how to use her phone as a SatNav (her car is not equipped) and that seems to help her as well

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:04

@OLDstolemybrain totally understand the running away. I have done this, this weekend following DTD...I literally ran out of his house after awesome sex. For me it's a fear of rejection. I have made the situation so much worse by an epic text message of car crash proportions this morning FFS 🙄 (which has been read, but not responded too).
I imagine come January I will be back scrolling.

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 13:18

ItsMeHiImTheProblem · 19/12/2022 12:33

I've posted before under a different user name, but gave up on dating for a bit. I've recently tried again and I'm talking to someone currently. Just wanted to see what people thought about this.

He's 8 years younger than me, I'm late 50s. He has a disability, not keen to mention what as it would be very outing 😳 I'm fine with that, however one of the things I hoped for is someone who likes driving because I don't, but his disability means he can't drive. I can't work out if it's a deal breaker for me. He's reasonably attractive, but I don't feel sparks. However, we've only messaged and video chatted twice. We have lots to talk about though and lots in common.

I'm aware at my age most men are bald, which doesn't do it for me, and he isn't. Also found most men on dating apps just not very interesting, in fact boring, unable to ask questions or hold a conversation, he on the other hand is very talkative.

Should I wait and see if a spark develops and whether it's worth the hassle of always being the one driving? Or should I stop wasting his time?

I’d definitely give it more time! Meeting in person is often so different to even video calling someone. Lets you see how they treat other people when out too. How relaxed they seem around you etc. That can be a very attractive trait in itself 😊 There’s also a lot to be said for someone who is interesting to talk to!

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 13:20

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 12:56

But I’m now reaching the point where I feel like I want to run away because it’s going too well. Does that make sense to anyone?
I totally understand this.
Also, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. I also discussed in detail my issues with my ex husband with Mr Ex back in the day…and even today. He also had some upsetting stories to tell on his side.
We all have a past. What matters is now and our future.
I’m so happy for you and I think it’s lovely you are falling in love. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. I’m in love too and have been for years. We can be honest here

Show quote history

Thank you ☺️ He has been hurt badly in the past too and has spoken of that. I think after being alone, and Ex being how he was, has made me so fiercely independent and closed off for fear of rejection.

will heed the warning above too about DOING NOTHING 😂

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 13:22

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:04

@OLDstolemybrain totally understand the running away. I have done this, this weekend following DTD...I literally ran out of his house after awesome sex. For me it's a fear of rejection. I have made the situation so much worse by an epic text message of car crash proportions this morning FFS 🙄 (which has been read, but not responded too).
I imagine come January I will be back scrolling.

Fear of rejection- totally! Coupled with thinking what the hell does he see in me. But I understand this is Ex’s voice not mine

what happened with the texting? If you want to talk it through?

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 13:24

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:04

@OLDstolemybrain totally understand the running away. I have done this, this weekend following DTD...I literally ran out of his house after awesome sex. For me it's a fear of rejection. I have made the situation so much worse by an epic text message of car crash proportions this morning FFS 🙄 (which has been read, but not responded too).
I imagine come January I will be back scrolling.

What happened? 😳…who was the guy and what did you send him ?

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:44

The guy is MrN and we were getting on famously. Lots of shared history and similar profession's and a very definite chemistry.
I went to his on Saturday (knowing he had evening plans already, which meant that I could run if needed so it suited me). Basically we fucked and matched each other perfectly. And rather then stay for hugs post sex, I just legged it out.
The text was just acknowledging that I am not a casual sex person ..and I wanted him to know that...along with telling him that I ran from fear of rejection and that although I have done a lot of work on me over the last 18 months I am far from a finished article...etc etc.
Probably just too much for someone to take on 🙄.
I am very much an all or nothing person. This is part of my ND...but I regret sending the message as I don't want to sound like a needy twat!

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:47

Oh and I sent it at 07.45 he had read it by 8 and I just keep hoping for a response despite that I am working and gave stacks to do. He is in leave from work so I also know that time to respond isn't an issue for him!
I bloody hope he doesn't find this thread.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/12/2022 13:55

ownedbygreyhounds

awwwwww . He probably has NO idea what to say back to that !!!
so read silence as possible confusion rather than hostility

men and women react strangely to intimacy sometimes

it’s not just you

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:55

Apologies for typos trying to work!

5thWisdom · 19/12/2022 14:07

I agree @ownedbygreyhounds - that response would take a little while to consider and compose.

You've been honest and vulnerable and true to yourself. His eventual response will tell you a lot about the man. Wait it out and take a view if and when it arrives. Don't panic and don't rush it.

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 14:13

Thank you for your kind words.
I am desperately trying to sit back and just wait. Fingers crossed that his response is positive otherwise I guess he isn't the guy for me.

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 15:32

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 13:44

The guy is MrN and we were getting on famously. Lots of shared history and similar profession's and a very definite chemistry.
I went to his on Saturday (knowing he had evening plans already, which meant that I could run if needed so it suited me). Basically we fucked and matched each other perfectly. And rather then stay for hugs post sex, I just legged it out.
The text was just acknowledging that I am not a casual sex person ..and I wanted him to know that...along with telling him that I ran from fear of rejection and that although I have done a lot of work on me over the last 18 months I am far from a finished article...etc etc.
Probably just too much for someone to take on 🙄.
I am very much an all or nothing person. This is part of my ND...but I regret sending the message as I don't want to sound like a needy twat!

I actually thing that’s lovely. Is it just me?
I think I would want to know if we are getting on great and we just had brilliant sex…why you left so quickly and we didn’t have a good hugging time right after?
I would be over the moon you trust me with your VULNERABILITY

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and say it, just as there is nothing wrong with falling in LOVE

I am an all or nothing person too and totally like you

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 15:35

@ownedbygreyhounds …he’s definitely not the right person if his answer is not right. I agree.
Maybe he just doesn’t need to answer anything to what you said. I would probably ask about seeing each other again as if nothing extraordinary has happened. Just natural stuff and a good relief for your soul

Justatoe2 · 19/12/2022 15:42

@ownedbygreyhounds : I think that was a perfectly reasonable explanation and I hope he takes it how it was intended.
Being open and vulnerable is something we need to do if a relationship is to progress.

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 15:43

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 15:32

I actually thing that’s lovely. Is it just me?
I think I would want to know if we are getting on great and we just had brilliant sex…why you left so quickly and we didn’t have a good hugging time right after?
I would be over the moon you trust me with your VULNERABILITY

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and say it, just as there is nothing wrong with falling in LOVE

I am an all or nothing person too and totally like you

Show quote history

This is a lovely way of looking at things actually and something I’m trying to do more of

Ex was so emotionally constipated that I was treated as if any flicker of emotion from me was too much.

Totally taking this on board x

OLDstolemybrain · 19/12/2022 15:44

@ownedbygreyhounds I agree. Showing emotion is a good thing and being open with others is what we should do more of

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 15:57

Thank you all. It's crazy how ex partners really impact on how we think and feel (despite therapy)...I have been involved with someone completely avoidant who shut down at any conversation about emotions, needs, sex actually most adult conversation. He was so withdrawn we would go months without sex. Unfortunately when I decided to end that relationship I ricocheted into a relationship with a narcissist who lovebombed me in the very true sense, before the abuse all started.
I just want a healthy relationship.

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 16:50

ownedbygreyhounds · 19/12/2022 15:57

Thank you all. It's crazy how ex partners really impact on how we think and feel (despite therapy)...I have been involved with someone completely avoidant who shut down at any conversation about emotions, needs, sex actually most adult conversation. He was so withdrawn we would go months without sex. Unfortunately when I decided to end that relationship I ricocheted into a relationship with a narcissist who lovebombed me in the very true sense, before the abuse all started.
I just want a healthy relationship.

Sounds familiar! I met someone very open and vulnerable, the opposite of my ex husband and I’m back with him (after a break up of sorts) . Unfortunately he’s always in drama mode…so my thinking is that I will need another break sometime in the future…

Mila14 · 19/12/2022 16:53

I don’t really believe in “healthy relationships “. I think they are a lie for boring non passionate compromised relationships. I think a good real relationship has healthy and unhealthy things like we are as humans.
Healthy relationships are a myth. Fancying someone like crazy and being crazy in love is fabulous and that doesn’t happen in “healthy relationships “.
I believe in being in love and struggling somehow and relationships that go up and down a bit and evolve in time. No such thing as a planar unidimensional “healthy”