Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

New thread!

Arghhh I thought I would reinstall my apps tonight and tinder have decided to ban me for no reason whatsoever!! Has this ever happened to anyone before?

Here you are!!

I had a massive reply that wouldn't post now I know why 🤦‍♀️

My irons are dwindling BUT I have a coffee date tomorrow with Mr G, which I'm really looking forward to.

MrL - disappeared
MrB - not heard anything since Friday night. Bit gutted about that one as he's hot and made me laugh a lot.
MrY - not sure if I've mentioned him. He's very attentive messaging but he has the same name as my son and he's 10 years younger. Not sure about that tbh.

But then MrG is 10 years younger too 😳

I matched with a lovely guy a while back and we messaged a little bit then nothing. He's come back to say he's been on a couple of dates with someone and he wants to see how that goes.

Personally I'm delighted that there are men like that out there still. Of course I'm annoyed I wasn't there first 😂

Bumble is a bag of shite as usual. I really, really hate it. But I got a free month from somewhere so thought I'd give it a go.

So I will report back to the mothership tomorrow.

Oh and @NoDatingForOldMen yes tattoos are a big thing now. My son's girlfriend has lots of small ones and she's absolutely beautiful. They're very fine line ones.

My sons all now have at least two as do I. Mine was much more a two fingers up to my ex who hated them. Yes, I am that petty.

I'm terrified of Tinder 😳

@Eeksteek
I think you need to know and like you said what's the worst that can happen?

Good luck 🤞

It's reassuring that exes still pop up in your minds (or stay there which is so annoying for me right now)
I've just done the long letter thing (will burn tomorrow)...will see how that helps.
I'm resisting going on apps as I think I'm doing it as pissed off at ex, and not doing it for me iyswim. Honestly, I think I'd rather have a fwb, but meet one in the wild rather than on apps. Will see.

Thanks to @mirrorballs and others for your support with what I recognise is my insecure attachment/RSD being triggered. Mr K seems alas to be a more avoidant type when faced with emotional demands on him. After various messages in which I tried to get him to understand what I needed, he sent me this:

“I am in total brain overload with this.
I don't think texts are for conversations such as this.
I need to recover from Monday, and I thought we had already agreed to talk tomorrow when my boys were out. If I could remember the word for it I'd say, but my mind is in blue-screen mode and right now I'm only fit to flop into bed, so that's what I'm going to do.
I hope your evening isn't too late and/or cold and that you can get some rest too. xx”

He didn’t answer the phone when I tried to call and didn’t read my reply to his message.

I feel like he has shut me down and that it is unreasonable to refuse to engage with me when I merely want to reconnect and get over what feels like a misunderstanding. But maybe I am expecting or demanding too much and this is a perfectly reasonable response? It was only about 9.15pm last night. He does react like this sometimes to intense conversations but it’s always previously been in person and not a rejection of me, just a shift to a different mode.

I am very confused as this was simply started by him seeming distant and me needing reassurance that he/we were ok. It’s quite “triggering” (sorry, hate that word but useful!) as I do have issues with becoming more needy if rejected but this was the very first hint of it and it seems to have escalated into a relationship-threatening situation. Not sure if it’s just exposed incompatibility and that he’s either not understanding my emotional needs or unwilling to engage with them, or if it’s something we can work through.

He seemed so emotionally intelligent and we have truly had the most brilliant couple of months together. All much too fast I now suspect (meeting families/kids/visiting home town etc). I feel completely floored by this development.

@Definitelycross
i grew up in a forces family so am quite used to Tats on men, but just the plain black or blue really, my extended family are from what was the mining area of S Yorks, so again lots of plain blue / black ink.
but these young women had full colour tats, one had quite a large chest piece, necks, hands, everywhere that was visible really.

Shwingbada

id Leave him be ! He sent an honest answer and clearly said (a) this isn’t for texts and (b) my brain is fried

I Don’t think this is anything to do with you and all with him being in overwhelm with life

weve discussed this a lot on other threads but men do tend to ‘cave’
reading his text id say this is 100% caving and 0% that’s he’s off with you

im seeing someone who does this and it did make me very anxious to start with

id seperate his needing some off time from the other issue which is ‘why are you on the apps pal’ ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks very much. I wish I’d had this advice before my reply to him last night which included such gems as that he seemed to have no empathy… oh dear.

I really struggle not to overarticulate and express every fleeting emotion. Poor Mr K. I hope I haven’t completely deterred him.

I need to work on going into a cave in these moments rather than always reaching out to the other person to fix my mood.

@Thisisworsethananticpated
When I asked about the apps he just said he was paid up for the year and that he doesn’t actually look at them or check messages etc. He seemed to think this was fine. I do wonder if he is slightly ASD. If we survive for long enough then I will raise it again but I hadn’t wanted to be distrustful.

Shwingbada

my imaginary tattoo would say DNR

do not react

as it’s something I need for my whole life and not just dating !

its funny how when we shag someone they kind of become Center of our world

yet we have friends ! Family !

Shwingbada

most apps have a ‘freeze profile’ function

he might want to explore that when things are calmer ! Maybe ask when he’s in a post orgasmic haze 😁

@Eeksteek how long were you seeing Mr2Pugs for and how did it end? I would be careful about getting in touch because even the best case scenario is unlikely to lead to happiness long term.. even if you rouse in him some sense of regret and he suggests meeting again, it’s hardly the bounding enthusiasm you need to keep a connection going and I think you’d be left slightly anxious knowing that you had to slightly “lure” him back. In a way that’s a worse prospect than him ignoring or being rude, as it would be prolonging the pain.

@Shwingbada I’m sorry this is still such a painful exchange between the two of you. I think @Thisisworsethananticpated is right in that he’s sent a clear message and I would agree with him that texts are not good for resolving these differences. What seems so obvious to us (“it’s just a bit of reassurance I need, why is that so hard?!”) feels very different to someone not wired that way. I’m not sure if it’s avoidance but he does sound triggered by feeling “manipulated” into reacting a certain way. I say this with no judgment as I am very similar to you.

Can you soothe yourself by writing out some thoughts about things you want to articulate when you see him, and be very honest about what you need from a partner? I don’t think it works to squash our needs down for fear of being needy or too much, but it could also be that he doesn’t want or us not able to give you what you need.

My emotionally unavailable MrM called last night after a week’s standoff where I refused to cave, and we had a good if slightly frustrating chat. MrN is back this weekend and I’m stepping back a bit from my need to add rollercoaster-chaos by wanting MrM adventures as well. I also think we need a face to face honest chat and am not sure when that’s going to be possible.

Sorry I should have read these messages before replying! 🙈 Good luck with it all today.. I know these anxious feelings well. Do you have a therapist? I can really recommend therapy as a great “hand hold” through dating if you tend towards anxious attachment. One of the first things mine did was suggest I get some propranolol when things were bad (non addictive, you take ad hoc, really helps to put some space between you and the panic feelings) and then we started to tackle the source of the feelings. In a way a lot of this stuff is triggered when we enter into a relationship so it’s fertile ground for analysis!

@Shwingbada , apologies for jumping into your conversation, but also tend to agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated , he has send a clear “can we talk face 2 face with clear heads “ kinda message…
and you telling him he has no empathy, hmm oh dear, indeed. You possibly need to apologise about that

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks - I wish I could do therapy but all money currently being poured away into a house renovation while my kids and I eat ready meals in a caravan. It’s definitely something I will do when I can and meanwhile reading up on it and talking to my various therapist friends!
I can see that there is plenty of fodder in this early relationship stage!
All the best with your lovely-sounding MrN and your dilemma re MrM.

Good idea @Thisisworsethananticpated - DNR and possibly WWWD (What would worsy do!).

Thanks so much for the coaching which is extremely helpful.

I’ve deleted my reply to MrK (he hadn’t read it) and sent a much more measured and neutral good morning message.

Thanks @NoDatingForOldMen ! Luckily WhatsApp enabled me to delete message before he’d read it. Much better face to face as you say, and in a more considered way!

Shwingbada

well if you can delete unread
thats a small win !

whatsapp is more of a curse than a blessing in modern dating

@Eeksteek I wouldn't send a message to him. Write it out somewhere if you want but don't send it.

@Shwingbada glad you managed to delete it before he read.

@Shwingbada I have avoidant attachment and your messages would really freak me and I would struggle to reply, or reply to any other messages. I totally understand why you sent them, but I can see how he would feel.
Not replying wouldn't reflect how I felt...

Check out The Secure Relationship on Insta.. I've found it incredibly useful.

Ah yes I know the kind you mean. One of my best friends is almost totally covered and they're colourful too.

Eeky…what’s going with him? He’s not messaging since when? I thought you were still chatting?

Morning all, trying to keep slightly up to date with all the goings on. This dating lark can be tough going and I think this can be a tough time of year anyway. We have settled into a bit of a groove, not necessarily a bad thing but definitely message each other less but that's probably normal 2yrs in and we still message at some point every day. I think he is way more secure about this than I am as every so often my paranoia raises its head and doubt creeps in but I now realise its totally my issue. How do you all cope with this? I'm definitely getting better but would still like to be more chilled.

@Shwingbada ohmygoodness you could be totally describing me.

When my marriage broke down the huge wordy texts I sent are mortifying now. I needed to get them off my chest and they were never responded too and that felt worse.

When I feel like that now I write it in my notes app. I get it out of the way there.

Glad you managed to delete it though - Phew

Well I'm meeting MrG in an hour. And as usual I am lying in bed on here 🤦‍♀️

So Mr Boxer messaged last night - he asked again about meeting up. We've arranged to meet this evening, for a walk and a drink.

I'm not sure how I feel. He's obviously wanting something physical. I swing from being up for going with the flow and the fun of it, to actually not really wanting to be used for sex. I need to get in the right mindset of - enjoy, he's handsome - and if I don't hear from him again, I won't care. Or not go.