Page 27 | Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 14:56

5thWisdom · 14/12/2022 14:48

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss also asking you when you last had intimate activities with someone else? Hmmm.

Reminds me of when my abusive ex said to me "well I've never had complaints from previous partners" when I wasn't feeling it.

Discussing previous sexual activities with new partner. Just no.

I hate that!! Guys who say that are CRAP in bed always “ I never had any complaints in that department “.
Guys who are awesome in bed KNOW THEY ARE…they really don’t need to say that

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 14:59

I am realising in this thread…no one knows how to make FWB without getting burnt. I think this may work really well for guys…not for us women…Very few exceptions in this thread can really enjoy FB with 0 emotional attachments

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/12/2022 15:07

Mila14

FWB or relationship
people get burnt and stressed regardless !
just look at this page 😂

maybe by FWB I mean a relationship that’s more low key , we’re not planning holidays and meeting family etc
but whatever way i slice and dice it we are quite close and ‘bonded’

im sorry Ex wife stalked you

can I say all I do is look at online (and not daily I hasten to add )

I don’t actually stalk them in the true sense of the word
I’m not that bad

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 15:26

I know Worsy… you are just curious and that is totally fine.

I just think it’s almost an impossible balance to maintain for many of us. We end up developing feelings and have to be checking ourselves not to feel jealous or resent them.

There should be a different term…Relationship but outside the family and friends and daily things type. But how do you stop that developing into love if you are indeed exclusive?

Perhaps to be real FWB exclusivity should not be observed so no one special to the other? I don’t really know how do you square that circle

I'm quite irrational about sex and intimacy and it shows!!!

This is going to sound very wrong. I am glad MrEx dated a lot and was with other women. I don’t think coming straight from our broken marriages and falling in love so crazy with our first experience after separating was completely right.

It is good to spend time alone or date people after a marriage implodes.

I think we appreciate more what we have

Everytime I dated and it was awful I was looking forward to being with him and I think it was the exact same for him

I will not ask and he will not ask either

This is about us now. And if it does not work for whatever reason…we will be better prepared to walk away completely

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 15:40

Good point @Mila14 maybe I'm in denial about my feelings re MrC.
My new therapist said 'It sounds to me like you are beginning to be very good friends as well as romantic/sexual partners which is officially a good basis for relationships. Maybe you've never experienced this before and it feels stable and right rather than invoking spikes in emotion/anxiety...'

Sorry @Thisisworsethananticpated I was acknowledging @5thWisdom and her 'treat him like a puppy' but your advice is wise and sage. Thank you for it!

OP posts:

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 15:45

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 15:40

Good point @Mila14 maybe I'm in denial about my feelings re MrC.
My new therapist said 'It sounds to me like you are beginning to be very good friends as well as romantic/sexual partners which is officially a good basis for relationships. Maybe you've never experienced this before and it feels stable and right rather than invoking spikes in emotion/anxiety...'

Sorry @Thisisworsethananticpated I was acknowledging @5thWisdom and her 'treat him like a puppy' but your advice is wise and sage. Thank you for it!

I’m with your therapist… and you never really know how this will evolve but you are developing feelings for him I think. You speak highly of him and you are aware he thinks you are wonderful. Both things are lovely and a base for developing a relationship somehow

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 16:00

He's just so unlike my usual sort @Mila14 in looks and 'coolness' and can't quite imagine introducing him to my friends but this is me being shallow and shit.

He is a kind, clever, funny, talented, emotionally available, tactile, attentive, gets me, domestic, shares my interests and professions AND amazing under the sheets...

Am also realising it matters not whether my far flung friends think he's fabulous the one or two times a year they have the pleasure of his company what matters is how we get along.
I like not projecting into the future at all about him/us and just seeing how each day/date goes.
It's far less stressful than other romances I've had with no highs and lows.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/12/2022 16:21

But how do you stop that developing into love if you are indeed exclusive

I think there are many types of love ❤️
and yeah on some level I love Balkan a little bit , and I think him me

I probably sound like I’m ranting but the older I get the more irritated I get by the very heteronormative model we are told we should follow

its not fucking working is it ? 1/3 marriages end in divorce these days
and many more are unhappy
and some are lovely 😊

some concepts should remain true
trust , communication , loyalty and kindness

but it saddens me to see people who think they have failed when maybe they are just outside what society sees as normal

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 17:45

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/12/2022 16:21

But how do you stop that developing into love if you are indeed exclusive

I think there are many types of love ❤️
and yeah on some level I love Balkan a little bit , and I think him me

I probably sound like I’m ranting but the older I get the more irritated I get by the very heteronormative model we are told we should follow

its not fucking working is it ? 1/3 marriages end in divorce these days
and many more are unhappy
and some are lovely 😊

some concepts should remain true
trust , communication , loyalty and kindness

but it saddens me to see people who think they have failed when maybe they are just outside what society sees as normal

This is very true…The overriding idea when a marriage ends is I FAILED…I am sure it’s the same for most of us.
Love comes in different ways ❤️…we feel alive, energised and happy. That’s what I ask

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 17:47

Oncey…who cares what your friends say? When MrEx and I broke up, I stopped showing pics of my dates to friends because all they had to say was …”he’s not Mr Ex, he was so handsome” Made my head in. Didn’t help and it was frankly upsetting me. I have not told them I am again with MrEx. I’ve only told very close people who really care for my happiness and would not care if I date a less handsome man than him. What matters is who makes you happy and who you love and fall in love with.

Definitelycross · 14/12/2022 18:15

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I had a very big snotty breakdown cry last night and I think I needed it. I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better but definitely stronger in myself.

A friend of mine agrees with what someone on here suggested, I didn't say anything to her, she just came up with it.

She said I need a few flings and some good sex to sort myself out.

I've got an iron who is very keen for this. He is very, very funny and we are in tune, most of the time. Although up till now he's annoyed me that sex is his main reason for meeting.

So, I bought some lovely new underwear, and let's see what happens.

Also I am incredibly good at tracking people. I knew all about the other women when I was going through it. I'm not sure that helped though so I'm trying not to make the same mistake again.

Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot and I was incredibly low. But actually MrG kept in touch through the evening to see how I was. I think he understood me far more than my soon to be ex husband.

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 18:26

Deffy…whatever you need is good. I really hope you stop hurting about your ex husband and all he hurt you. I personally prefer not to know what my ex husband was up to. I really don’t care as I fell out of love before we separated.
Are you now over your ex husband and no longer in love with him? I don’t remember what the issue was with him

If you feel that having a bit of sexy time and enjoying your loveliness with someone nice work for you do it.

I also think it is ok to take time out and date when one is ready.

Take good care of yourself 😘

NoDatingForOldMen · 14/12/2022 18:45

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 14:27

Am trying to work out how to very politely say to MrCars that I wish he'd stop mentioning his fairly recent ex.

They were together for 3.5 years and he knew her kids well. Suspect he was heartbroken when she ended it early this year and also misses her family and animals as well as her.

Not sure why I get slightly irritated my the very occasional mention of her I probably shouldn't but wondering how rubbish I'd appear if I mentioned I'd prefer it if her name didn't pop up.

He has asked nil Qs re my 4.5 years post divorce dating adventures other than last (bonky hotel) weekend he queried and when id last 'done something like that' (and annoyingly I gave him a unintentionally false answer of 2 years ago when it should have been 2 months ago....)

I'll bet he's got no clue I'm not into references to his ex as I do mention my kids' dad occasionally but in a 🤬way and also because we were together for 20 years so most of my grown up life anecdotes/experiences were with him.

AIBU thinking I ought to consider telling him something about my failings not enjoying any mentions of his ex. I'm not usually a jealous type so I'm not at all sure as to what emotions I'm experiencing there?

He's generally incredibly into me being forthright about things that don't work for me re the way he does/words things. He seems very very emotionally intelligent and open.

I suspect he liked and admired her a great deal so in some ways perfectly reasonable to mention her as a key person in his life for a good chunk of time.

If he is very open, just say it in a straight way, polite but straight - nothing rude

5thWisdom · 14/12/2022 18:55

Definitelycross · 14/12/2022 18:15

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I had a very big snotty breakdown cry last night and I think I needed it. I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better but definitely stronger in myself.

A friend of mine agrees with what someone on here suggested, I didn't say anything to her, she just came up with it.

She said I need a few flings and some good sex to sort myself out.

I've got an iron who is very keen for this. He is very, very funny and we are in tune, most of the time. Although up till now he's annoyed me that sex is his main reason for meeting.

So, I bought some lovely new underwear, and let's see what happens.

Also I am incredibly good at tracking people. I knew all about the other women when I was going through it. I'm not sure that helped though so I'm trying not to make the same mistake again.

Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot and I was incredibly low. But actually MrG kept in touch through the evening to see how I was. I think he understood me far more than my soon to be ex husband.

I'm sorry that you got upset but it's good to flush it out of your system. I'm glad you feel better for it.

I think a good fling sounds like fun - just be careful because you're still healing. As long as this guy is one you can put in a very boundaried box and you don't have a massive soft spot for him, I say go for it. Just focus on what you need.

I don't want you coming out of that experience feeling used or any negative emotions, if he does disappear once he's had what he wants. I tend to bond with those I sleep with unless there was a weird element of ick afterwards which would cut that dead. But I'd need to go into it feeling a vulnerability of really liking him. Which would leave me vulnerable to get hurt if he dropped me like a stone afterwards.

As long as he can go firmly back in a box afterwards, go for it.

Definitelycross · 14/12/2022 18:55

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 18:26

Deffy…whatever you need is good. I really hope you stop hurting about your ex husband and all he hurt you. I personally prefer not to know what my ex husband was up to. I really don’t care as I fell out of love before we separated.
Are you now over your ex husband and no longer in love with him? I don’t remember what the issue was with him

If you feel that having a bit of sexy time and enjoying your loveliness with someone nice work for you do it.

I also think it is ok to take time out and date when one is ready.

Take good care of yourself 😘

Yeah I haven't seen or spoken with him for over three years.

There was abuse and control. His latest is sitting on the divorce papers, for pure control. I would be delighted never to see or hear his voice ever again.

His children have nothing to do with him and haven't for over three years too.

Definitelycross · 14/12/2022 19:00

@5thWisdom you're absolutely correct.

We have a love/hate type of relationship. He's very clever and witty. He's tall and broad too, which makes me very happy.

But he lives too far for a proper relationship. And yes, I need to protect my heart ❤️

NoDatingForOldMen · 14/12/2022 19:04

He has asked nil Qs re my 4.5 years post divorce dating adventures other than last (bonky hotel) weekend he queried and when id last 'done something like that' (and annoyingly I gave him a unintentionally false answer of 2 years ago when it should have been 2 months ago....)

I think this is quite an interesting comment, I don’t think I have asked NoShow anything about her dating adventures since her divorce as I don’t really care, and I don’t really want to know either, that’s her business if she wants to tell me that’s great, but I’m not going to ask, but saying that when we DTD for 1st time she did allude the it had been a while , also she was slightly surprised ( and possibly offended? ), when I suggest we both had STD tests before dropping the condoms

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 19:18

I am with Fifthie …I can’t do a sexy night if I don’t have plans of relationship with a chap…please Deffy protect your feelings as it is all too raw.

I’m horrified he has no relationship at all with his kids. Why is he sitting on the divorce papers?? He’s cheated right left and centre and abused you. He’s weird.

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 20:42

That's a good insight there @NoDatingForOldMen

It is all irrelevant and actually when previous beaus asked about previous beaus it became a bit sleazy listing out names of fellas. Then one got a bit strange about it. Like used to get off on what I'd done with exes. Said it turned him on and made him feel less jealous.

You're right. Better for these things to come out naturally in conversations rather than via interrogations.

I would have found it weird if he hadn't asked about when I'd last been under the covers with another partly because of sexual health and partly just because. When I told him the following day I'd made an error and it had been much more recent than 2 years before he said 'As long as it wasn't this morning or this week it's none of my business' which I though was cool.

OP posts:

Definitelycross · 14/12/2022 20:45

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 19:18

I am with Fifthie …I can’t do a sexy night if I don’t have plans of relationship with a chap…please Deffy protect your feelings as it is all too raw.

I’m horrified he has no relationship at all with his kids. Why is he sitting on the divorce papers?? He’s cheated right left and centre and abused you. He’s weird.

He's a very bad man. And holding on to the papers was his last act of control. Well for now, anyway.

His behaviour was so bad that his kids don't want anything to do with him. And tbh he doesn't try as hard as I think he should to try to rebuild any type of relationship. There never will be.

As I say he's a very nasty piece of work

Mila14 · 14/12/2022 20:50

I’m so glad you escaped Deffy. Onwards and upwards. You have a life ahead and will be totally free soon. He’s a loser if he has no relationship with his kids.

There are very nice people trying to rebuild their lives. Being nice is sexy too. Oncey is showing you can get lucky too.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2022 08:10

Mr Cherry is meeting dd today and I am feeling anxious. Dd is 16 with autism (classic autism). So far I have managed not to introduce them and keep things separate but now dd is home for 3 weeks and I have no one to have her so it’s tricky to see him without him coming over to me and dd being here. I guess a part of me is worried dd will scare him off, even though I know if she does it means he’s not worth it. Dd is typically autistic, she flaps her arms, makes noises, has a rigid routine and isn’t very verbal. I am not sure he knows much about ASD so I am worried how he will react 😬. Wish me luck.

BaddogGooddoggy · 15/12/2022 08:32

Good luck @Lovemusic33, I’m sure Mr Cherry will cope admirably.

Definitelycross · 15/12/2022 09:10

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2022 08:10

Mr Cherry is meeting dd today and I am feeling anxious. Dd is 16 with autism (classic autism). So far I have managed not to introduce them and keep things separate but now dd is home for 3 weeks and I have no one to have her so it’s tricky to see him without him coming over to me and dd being here. I guess a part of me is worried dd will scare him off, even though I know if she does it means he’s not worth it. Dd is typically autistic, she flaps her arms, makes noises, has a rigid routine and isn’t very verbal. I am not sure he knows much about ASD so I am worried how he will react 😬. Wish me luck.

Oh best of luck, although I'm sure he will show himself to be a good man.
Xx

Mila14 · 15/12/2022 09:59

@Lovemusic33 …don’t worry. He’s been with you enough time already and you have a steady relationship. He will totally understand the challenges you face. It will be just fine. How long have you been with Mr Cherry now? Has he got kids too? I don’t remember. It will be just fine. Enjoy 😊