Page 25 | Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

OLDstolemybrain · 13/12/2022 19:42

Can I ask how people move from just seeing each other to whatever comes next?

Things going very well with MrFootball and I’m finding that I would really like a relationship with him, I think he feels the same. We’ve both said we’ve deleted the apps etc but do we officially talk about what ‘label’ we have?

We’ve been seeing each other for a month now which I know is nothing but I feels very right. I have my DC to think of, he doesn’t have children but his ex had 2 who he lived with for a bit so totally gets it.

I’m not in any way thinking of introducing yet. Just getting my head straight with it all. Do people usually wait about 6 months to start introducing?

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 19:48

I'd set a time slot to do it @5thWisdom and give the apps time to repopulate with suitable candidates than flicking endlessly.

Maybe 'allow' yourself a relaxed flick through on a Sunday evening and that's it. If there are matches great if not also fine. If some of those matches turn into interesting convos great if not also fine.

It's deffo a marathon not a sprint.

I've been doing OLD for 4.5 years now.

The best thing I ever did was press pause, reset, forget all about it and decide I was never going back on OLD. When I did one night this summer I found I was much less tolerant of 'low value men' and only accepted good matches. Didn't waste my time with men who weren't worthy of my attention.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

OP posts:

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 19:49

Flipping heck this thread moves fast.

Met MrG and after talking things through it's not going any further. He said if I changed my mind then contact him in the New Year but everything we talked about showed we wouldn't go anywhere.

So I'm still messaging the good sexter but otherwise I'm off the sites.

I actually feel broken physically. I don't think I'm ready yet for anything. Except maybe just what I've stated I didn't want - friend with benefits. I can't see after looking at everything properly how else I can do it.

I've realised I don't want a partner yet. I don't want commitment. I don't think I'm ready and I wonder if I ever will be.

Very low tonight as I feel my past relationship is still fucking me up. And it's not fair.

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 19:50

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 19:48

I'd set a time slot to do it @5thWisdom and give the apps time to repopulate with suitable candidates than flicking endlessly.

Maybe 'allow' yourself a relaxed flick through on a Sunday evening and that's it. If there are matches great if not also fine. If some of those matches turn into interesting convos great if not also fine.

It's deffo a marathon not a sprint.

I've been doing OLD for 4.5 years now.

The best thing I ever did was press pause, reset, forget all about it and decide I was never going back on OLD. When I did one night this summer I found I was much less tolerant of 'low value men' and only accepted good matches. Didn't waste my time with men who weren't worthy of my attention.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

I know this wasn't to me but this has helped me loads.

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 19:55

Oh that's a blow @Definitelycross
Good for you for taking a firm stance.

You don't want a FWB but you don't want a relationship either?

It's nice MrG had left the door open for you.

OP posts:

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 20:03

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 19:48

I'd set a time slot to do it @5thWisdom and give the apps time to repopulate with suitable candidates than flicking endlessly.

Maybe 'allow' yourself a relaxed flick through on a Sunday evening and that's it. If there are matches great if not also fine. If some of those matches turn into interesting convos great if not also fine.

It's deffo a marathon not a sprint.

I've been doing OLD for 4.5 years now.

The best thing I ever did was press pause, reset, forget all about it and decide I was never going back on OLD. When I did one night this summer I found I was much less tolerant of 'low value men' and only accepted good matches. Didn't waste my time with men who weren't worthy of my attention.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

Thank you so much - it helps enormously. A very wise approach.

It is so time consuming and I thought some time invested might actually get me somewhere. Time to reset balance.

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 20:07

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 19:49

Flipping heck this thread moves fast.

Met MrG and after talking things through it's not going any further. He said if I changed my mind then contact him in the New Year but everything we talked about showed we wouldn't go anywhere.

So I'm still messaging the good sexter but otherwise I'm off the sites.

I actually feel broken physically. I don't think I'm ready yet for anything. Except maybe just what I've stated I didn't want - friend with benefits. I can't see after looking at everything properly how else I can do it.

I've realised I don't want a partner yet. I don't want commitment. I don't think I'm ready and I wonder if I ever will be.

Very low tonight as I feel my past relationship is still fucking me up. And it's not fair.

What happened? You want FWB, he's left door open, so does he want something more than you can give? Is it definitely not possible to remain connected and see where things go? He sounds very understanding.

I'm sorry that you feel your past is still negatively influencing your present and future.

It's this time of year too. Makes everything feel a bit more pressurised.

Be gentle with yourself x

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 20:08

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 19:55

Oh that's a blow @Definitelycross
Good for you for taking a firm stance.

You don't want a FWB but you don't want a relationship either?

It's nice MrG had left the door open for you.

No sorry I've not been clear.

In my profile online I said that I definitely wasn't up for FWB, but now I'm thinking that might be a good idea. Get back on the saddle. I know im not wanting a relationship yet.

I don't know.

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 20:12

@5thWisdom he is incredibly understanding and yes he is leaving the door open.

But it's me. I don't know what I want and I'm so scared to do anything at the moment.

I feel bloody useless and I feel my ex has properly broken me beyond fixing.

My rebound ended badly too.

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 20:13

Apologies for the pity party.

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 20:15

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 20:12

@5thWisdom he is incredibly understanding and yes he is leaving the door open.

But it's me. I don't know what I want and I'm so scared to do anything at the moment.

I feel bloody useless and I feel my ex has properly broken me beyond fixing.

My rebound ended badly too.

Do what you need to do to feel safe and protected. Put your boundaries up and take space and time for you. Take the pressure off. There's no rush to do anything.

Mr G sounds like a good guy.

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 20:23

Or have lots of no strings attached bonkathons with MrG as a 'getting under a fella helps you get over a previous one' kind of vibe? @Definitelycross is this not an option?

Why do you say your ex has broken you? So many of us here have had dire relationships with bad nutty men. If that's what you are referring to I wholeheartedly believe making the most of freedom beyond is the life affirming thing to do.

Or did he break your heart some other way?

OP posts:

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 20:28

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 20:23

Or have lots of no strings attached bonkathons with MrG as a 'getting under a fella helps you get over a previous one' kind of vibe? @Definitelycross is this not an option?

Why do you say your ex has broken you? So many of us here have had dire relationships with bad nutty men. If that's what you are referring to I wholeheartedly believe making the most of freedom beyond is the life affirming thing to do.

Or did he break your heart some other way?

I was with him since I was 19. He betrayed me our whole relationship- 33 years.

I don't know how to date. I don't trust anyone at all. My fight or flight setting is really set to high.

I've had Womens aid, two different lots of counselling and I'm still not ok.

I just don't know what to do.

I say I'd like friends with benefits but what if I get attached? Or what if I feel rubbish afterwards?

If I don't know my own head then I can't possibly go out with anyone else.

MrG just clarified that. He's messaging me now to check I'm ok. He's a really good guy.

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 20:34

That's a horrendous story @Definitelycross

Its not compulsory to date.
Is lick wounds until time has seen you regenerate into a resilient post-marriage woman then see how you feel about dipping toe into the water of infinite men again?

OP posts:

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 20:34

@Definitelycross I understand how you feel.

I think I may have tried to convince myself that I was cool with the Mr Boxer situation and how to play the player game. But got too invested in a matter of days so know I'm not equipped to handle FWB because if I like someone that much, it's too much for that

NoDatingForOldMen · 13/12/2022 21:38

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 15:51

Thanks for checking in.

3 chats started last night.

1 like pulling teeth.

2 takes himself a bit seriously but seems ok. Was a bit put off after he asked what I did for a living, I gave him a high level job title and organisation (not detail to protect from stalkers) and he replied - "ooo, get you!" Maybe another one that could be misconstrued through text but I wasn't sure I liked that response. I'm not a Dr/Surgeon/Barrister btw. Just have a professional job. And certainly wasn't showing off about it!

3 was great, banter, smart, witty, messaging back and forth all evening. Interesting, common likes, intelligent mind.

I actually tried a different approach and got in there first with an invite to meet - something I didn't want to do as I'm not a fan of chasing men. It was almost to call their bluff based on my recent experience and test what they actually wanted - and to save my time.

So 1 responded in a vague way, maybe around on Friday after work. Blah. Hardly enthusiastic.

2 replied he'd love to and would get his people to call my people... What? Not heard from him since last night.

3 didn't reply and I've just checked now and he's unmatched me.

I've no idea what I'm doing wrong here...

Show quote history

Personally I don’t think you are doing anything wrong at all, however, and I’m not really sure how to word this, but it sounds a bit like you are taking the more forward role, ( assuming you are on Bumble), such as starting the conversations m, suggesting meetings etc and certainly I had the same kind of experiences when talking to women, unfortunately I think it comes with the person who is trying to move things along.

Mila14 · 13/12/2022 22:05

5thWisdom · 13/12/2022 17:16

I've just received a response from one match - it's funny because it relates to what we were saying about not having time to message during the day. He said as he's just finishing work, he hasn't got time for usual small talk so can he just ask the key questions and he'll read them when he gets home.

So he's sent me his questionnaire- romantic!

Here's his list;

how long you been single
how many children and age gaps
best physical feature
any crazy ex's lol
what you want off here
what you look for in a guy
any tattoos.

I may be too fed up at this point to entertain a lengthy response! But I think he may be also fed up and just wants to get to the point.

I quite like this Fifthie…all pertinent questions for me too

Mila14 · 13/12/2022 22:24

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 19:49

Flipping heck this thread moves fast.

Met MrG and after talking things through it's not going any further. He said if I changed my mind then contact him in the New Year but everything we talked about showed we wouldn't go anywhere.

So I'm still messaging the good sexter but otherwise I'm off the sites.

I actually feel broken physically. I don't think I'm ready yet for anything. Except maybe just what I've stated I didn't want - friend with benefits. I can't see after looking at everything properly how else I can do it.

I've realised I don't want a partner yet. I don't want commitment. I don't think I'm ready and I wonder if I ever will be.

Very low tonight as I feel my past relationship is still fucking me up. And it's not fair.

Deffy…what happened? You had a good date with him, didn’t you?

Definitelycross · 13/12/2022 22:32

@Mila14 I'm just not in the right place.

I don't know why.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/12/2022 22:43

Definitelycross

im sorry you sound very low ❤️‍🩹 x

to be betrayed for 33 years is a total head fuck
its going to take some healing
and it’s really hard to trust again
and most men and women at our age come into this with bruises and wounds

what I think important is to remember that you can and will survive

that you’ll never stay 33 years in a cheating relationship again

and that’s actually pretty spectacularly awful behaviour and not the norm

your fellow sounds very nice actually

but you sound so sad and I’m sure the chat stirred up alot of emotions

be kind to yourself

Mumtolittleorange · 13/12/2022 22:44

Lots of really helpful comments on here tonight. Thanks for sharing everyone :)

I'm thinking to pause my Match over the holidays. Does anyone know if you still get charged if you pause your account? I find the terms not very transparenr.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/12/2022 22:48

5thWisdom

i quite like the questions too !
At least he wants to get to know people and what they are about

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 23:01

I also like the Qs @5thWisdom but would have to turn a blind eye to the poor English and the 'lol' and I'd stubbornly not ask him the same Qs back I'd ask him other ones

OP posts:

JangolinaPitt · 14/12/2022 09:54

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 13/12/2022 23:01

I also like the Qs @5thWisdom but would have to turn a blind eye to the poor English and the 'lol' and I'd stubbornly not ask him the same Qs back I'd ask him other ones

I think I’d be inclined to say ‘You go first!’

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 14/12/2022 10:12

How are you feeling today @Definitelycross any more resilient after a good night's sleep?

OP posts: