Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

New thread!

He's not asking anything about me. I'm offering up details of my day. He's not acknowledging anything I'm saying or asking follow up questions about me! So it's all one way.

This coffee is going to feel like I'm undertaking an interview if this is how he is in real life. I would have accepted that 10 years ago. I need more these days than to put myself second again to just being around to make a man feel good about himself.

I may be too jaded for this lark!

Oh me too!!

Why did you not want sex? It is really difficult- I had an ex that made me feel really slutty (not in a good way) when he didn't want sex.

If I kissed him with too much feeling he'd be like - no I don't want that let's just cuddle. While gently pushing me away. It was definitely one of the reasons he is an ex.

@NoDatingForOldMen I also have negative connotations with being rejected for sex - used as a power play and it brought the double standards of our relationship to the forefront. He could reject me when he felt like it but there was no way that I could say no if he was in the mood and I wasn't. Always on his terms.

That's in an abusive context though with lots of other horrible stuff going on.

I think you need to be gentle with that because she's likely to feel embarrassed at best. At worst, frustrated. And unattractive.

But it's all about context and reasons. A legitimate health reason is completely acceptable.

That’s all I can think about already and it’s not even happened yet! He messaged me yesterday to say he woke up feeling like a giddy teenager as I was the first thing that popped in his head, and he loved it! Argghh I feel the same! Cannot wait to spend some time alone together. Oh man. New lingerie is necessary!

Zanatdy…mothership advises new knickers and nice bra…It is brilliant you are feeling the exact same thing he is feeling. Looking very promising!

So, bit of a long story, to buckle in.
I was in a relationship with someone in 2017/18, which was all good, during that time my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer & I was doing a lot of the hospital trips for MRIs , Radiotherapy etc, when it became clear he was terminal I moved back my mums house to help with palliative care as he wanted to die at home ( I live 100 + miles away from my parents and my sister is crap at that sort of thing), the relationship ended as well.

This year I’m running / working on big work project which is not going well, I’m busy, tired, mentally exhausted and will probably be looking for a new job next year..

This year my Mum has now had a cancer diagnoses and again I’m doing a lot of the hospital runs (to the same hospital as above, so bringing back all the old memories of my dad’s treatments).

Then we come to NoShow, she is very understanding, but also I have probably alluded to her being a bit anxious ( which is generally fine), BUT she likes sex and I think uses sex as a kind of measure of assurance from me that everything is fine and I still like her.

currently I’m physically, mentally & emotionally drained and just not in the right mind space for it ( when we stay over it’s generally 2 or 3 times), which I know most men would give their right arm for, but right now I really just don’t want it and I’m not sure how to articulate this without her thinking it’s her I don’t want.

an example is tonight, she was going to come over to watch the football at mine and I know she would want sex & I would have to be happy and switched on & be the host etc and I just not in the right mind set so I said I had cold ( I do have a sore throat, o probably do have a cold),

and France have just scored…

@5thWisdom
If I kissed him with too much feeling he'd be like - no I don't want that let's just cuddle. While gently pushing me away. It was definitely one of the reasons he is an ex.

this is the exact dynamic I want to avoid, I know she will want sex , but I really could do with some cuddling right now, at the same time I don’t want to be pushing her away

Howlongy…tell her the exact thing to her. What happened to your dad and how you needed to be available. And what is happening to your mum and what the job is making you feel. Tell her you need cuddles and her presence and support.
MrEx is a night and morning sex person but I do instigate the morning ones generally. If we had less sex suddenly I would want an explanation it is not because of me. And I would 100% support him with change of job or family dying ( we have been through that in this last 7 years…both his parents died).
We just need to KNOW what is happening and how do you feel
Open up to her Howlongy

I agree. Be open with her.
Mine didn't have any of those reasons. He drank too much to do it at night then expected me to be up and at 'em in the morning and I wasn't.

He chose booze over me.

If he were in the position you are now it would be totally different.

Thank you @Mila14 ❤️

Sorry to hear about your mum, @NoDatingForOldMen. it must be incredibly stressful for you with work pressures as well. You obviously have a good relationship with Ms Noshow. You will have to explain how you feel and reassure her as well as getting the support that you need from her.

Another one bites the dust.

Messaging with the tall one all went quiet last night so I checked in to see whether we were still on for this morning. He replied, "if you are". Which didn't sound overwhelmingly enthusiastic!

I replied yes sure. Messaging went on in what I thought was light hearted teasing. He said he wasn't like other guys. I replied "oh that's what they all say!" - joking.

I then got a reply saying "I don't like being compared to other men, goodbye" and he unmatched me.

We didn't exchange numbers so that's that. No coffee date this morning but I can't help feel I've had a lucky escape with that one.

This is exhausting.

@5thWisdom sigh, he sounds like hard work! He probably just wants to lie in bed all day and was looking for any excuse not to meet. Deffo lucky escape.

Lucky escape there!

Bullet dodged.

Jeez it's such hard work. 🤗🤗🤗

Do you know the really hot and handsome ones I've been matched with have ALL turned out to be catfishes. Not MrB he just ghosted me.

But all the ones I've been excited about and thought ooooh - they aren't who they say they are. Then the idea of you seeing that in person scares the shite out of them.

I'm sorry you went through this 🤗🤗🤗

Yep. He either completely bottled it or never intended on meeting at all.

Oh well, I'm using my time productively whilst child is at club catching up on work ahead of tomorrow! Much better use of my time ☺️

@5thWisdom bullet dodged definitely. My friend is also having the same lack of responses and fizzling out conversations. Think it's just the time if year, and hopefully come Jan things will start to improve.
@NoDatingForOldMen being able to have those conversations openly and honestly is the sign of a good relationship. I am hopeful that she will understand.

My question is about sexting...how much is too much, guidance is required from those more knowledgeable then me?!

Apologies for the grammar and spelling, really need to learn to read it back before posting 🙄

@5thWisdom I'm sorry to hear that. You definitely dodged a bullet there, but yeah it is exhausting! Sadly I have no tips on how to make it less exhausting. Big hug still.

Mr Skier sent me a message after his office Xmas party (he claims) on Friday (or early Sat) when I was asleep. His messages have always a question, making me reply (even if I didn't have time until after the football). Then I feel like crap again. So I just need to stop sending him anything. Too much games!

I've matched with someone nice on Bumble. Let's see if he replies

@NoDatingForOldMen I agree with everyone else, open up and be honest with her. That's part of intimacy too. She will definitely appreciate that and hopefully will completely understand. A good test of character is how she responds.

Thanks everyone.

You need nerves of steel to handle all of this rejection and poor treatment ☺️

My question is about sexting...how much is too much
when that’s all there is, if you have not meet someone then it’s pointless, personally I think sexting is good to keep the spark present if you don’t meet much, but other than that it’s a bit sad really

Thanks all, she knows about all the recent stuff, & knows my Dad has passed, but not about his cancer etc.

5thWisdom

its a bit brutal when that happens isn’t it
so yeah it’s a lucky escape
but super unpleasant