Page 15 | Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 11:27

Fifthie, we both have very busy lives but in his case is out of this world busy with work. he has a top job in City and travels for work at the drop of a hat ( I do too but I control more my schedule) .I do understand but I always have to make more concessions. Then there’s the alcohol…I am into being super fit and drinking little and not often. He’s your average middle age Englishman and drinks a lot…although when he’s with me he's a lot more careful. Then there’s practicalities of family that I can’t talk about here but we both have kids and all in school age!! He likes a party a lot more than I do and gets completely wasted. He has dark moods and is a lot more unstable ( mental health)… I have such a pleasure with his company that I pin all my “special going outs” on him. Movie, theatre…exhibition…I always want him specially to come with me because of the sheer joy and we really really enjoy going out. But I get massively frustrated when things get moved or he’s in a low mood or something… I guess I have been the one doing concessions non stop until we broke up and I was exhausted then. I don’t want to fall into that pattern again. I want to feel we matter enough to put priorities right. Sorry for massive text!

OLDstolemybrain · 06/12/2022 11:38

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 06/12/2022 08:02

Glad you enjoyed it @5thWisdom I was particularly interested as running a new fresh experiment (MrCars) where sex and physical attraction were not the forerunners of the connection and attraction. Something much more cerebral and fundamental in terms of our personalities and interests.

Also have been musing about how bothered I could or should be about the fact he isn't side splittingly hilarious which I thought was a non-negotiable for my romantic partners. But I get lol interaction from my good old girlfriends.
He does make me laugh. Just not constantly like a comedian.

I enjoyed hear wise Ms Patel's take on it all. I later listened to her views on erotic intelligence which was thought provoking and MrCars is keen to hear about the topic. Good man.

This is where my experiment is going too. MrFootball is a bit chunkier than I usually go for (god that sounds shallow) although he is very tall too but I’m finding his personality very attractive and that is making me physically attracted to him. He is very good at talking to strangers and people seem drawn to him when we’re out, which I love.

Ex wasn’t very good socially and where he was very controlling we hardly had anything to do with anyone else. Plus he wouldn’t ever want to go out anyway 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think a lot can be said for personality, connection and real intimacy with someone over just a physical attraction 😊

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 12:13

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 11:27

Fifthie, we both have very busy lives but in his case is out of this world busy with work. he has a top job in City and travels for work at the drop of a hat ( I do too but I control more my schedule) .I do understand but I always have to make more concessions. Then there’s the alcohol…I am into being super fit and drinking little and not often. He’s your average middle age Englishman and drinks a lot…although when he’s with me he's a lot more careful. Then there’s practicalities of family that I can’t talk about here but we both have kids and all in school age!! He likes a party a lot more than I do and gets completely wasted. He has dark moods and is a lot more unstable ( mental health)… I have such a pleasure with his company that I pin all my “special going outs” on him. Movie, theatre…exhibition…I always want him specially to come with me because of the sheer joy and we really really enjoy going out. But I get massively frustrated when things get moved or he’s in a low mood or something… I guess I have been the one doing concessions non stop until we broke up and I was exhausted then. I don’t want to fall into that pattern again. I want to feel we matter enough to put priorities right. Sorry for massive text!

I can completely understand this and why you'd get frustrated at being led down at the last minute, always needing to fit around his plans together with a difficult mood - or not knowing what mood he's going to be in. Feeling like the least most important part of his day.

Does he know exactly how you feel about these things?

The children side of things is always so hard. That is the attractive aspect of a 30 something year old with no kids.

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 12:18

Thank you @Mila14 @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss @Definitelycross - since I wrote that update, this morning he's been online constantly off and on. This makes it easier somewhat because a)I know he's alive and don't need to worry he's died of a brain injury and b)he's alive and not messaging me, so he's not interested and I really do need to just forget him!! (He's left 2 messages (simple and cool, not begging!) unreplied so I have tried and now I walk with dignity in tact.

Grrrr.

OLDstolemybrain · 06/12/2022 12:29

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 12:18

Thank you @Mila14 @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss @Definitelycross - since I wrote that update, this morning he's been online constantly off and on. This makes it easier somewhat because a)I know he's alive and don't need to worry he's died of a brain injury and b)he's alive and not messaging me, so he's not interested and I really do need to just forget him!! (He's left 2 messages (simple and cool, not begging!) unreplied so I have tried and now I walk with dignity in tact.

Grrrr.

It’s really hard to walk away. It feels like a massive rejection and often we want to find out answers but usually there aren’t any - some people just treat others as disposable unfortunately

can you archive his chat so you’re not tempted to keep looking?

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/12/2022 12:54

pencilpot99 · 05/12/2022 17:50

@Mila14 Unfortunately I have no idea how to set the criteria properly. I'm using Match and I've worked out how I can do a search, but can't see how to set my own criteria to screen out people I'm not interested in. I've been getting messages from guys young enough to be my son, and people living at the other end of the country from me. It's ridiculous! And I'm extremely hesitant about using free apps becuase I've had a difficult experience with stalking before and I'm hoping that the persons involved wouldn't bother with a paid-for app. Another reason why I feel slightly nervous about the whole thing.

But something MrStars said yesterday made me pause for thought... He's a very kind, thoughtful person and I keep thanking him for it and saying how much I appreciate it. To which he said he doesn't think he's behaving in any way out of the ordinary. Which made me think about how I've been treated by men in the past and generally expect to, I guess, be treated pretty badly, or if not badly then thoughtlessly or without much consideration... to the extent that when someone is actually nice to me in a totally normal way, I'm pathetically grateful. It's not the nicest realisation. 😕

That’s just how regular men / people behave with other people

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/12/2022 12:58

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 12:18

Thank you @Mila14 @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss @Definitelycross - since I wrote that update, this morning he's been online constantly off and on. This makes it easier somewhat because a)I know he's alive and don't need to worry he's died of a brain injury and b)he's alive and not messaging me, so he's not interested and I really do need to just forget him!! (He's left 2 messages (simple and cool, not begging!) unreplied so I have tried and now I walk with dignity in tact.

Grrrr.

Sorry to hear this, but he will probably have other chats / irons on the go, one of those might be in more advanced stage

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 13:34

Thanks @NoDatingForOldMen - his Tinder profile is now showing distance of 400+ miles (after telling me he barely uses it!) so he's active on Tinder, he's away further with work, he's ignoring me. It's not looking great 😂😂😂

Onwards and upwards! At least I didn't embarrass myself!

Rejected but not defeated.

We're still connected on Instagram so I'll pop a lovely photo of myself on there in a few days, you know, just because 😫

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 14:16

Thank you Fifthie, he does know how I feel and he wants to fix it somehow but I keep an open mind about what can be fixed and what can not!. He loves my kids and my kids love him too. His DC are older so that is not a real problem. I think it is about him judging priorities and me being properly prioritised 😊. I’m testing the waters here by coming back to it. Perhaps if it does not work for us I will settle for a really nice guy that doesn’t make my loins in constant fire as he does but I doubt very much I will fall in love this hard with anyone else. I would like to lie about this but this is a chat where we can be fully honest. There are really attractive handsome men around and I have dated these 8 months but my heart was never fully on it. Sexually he’s also miles away from anyone else because we just click perfectly

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 14:33

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 14:16

Thank you Fifthie, he does know how I feel and he wants to fix it somehow but I keep an open mind about what can be fixed and what can not!. He loves my kids and my kids love him too. His DC are older so that is not a real problem. I think it is about him judging priorities and me being properly prioritised 😊. I’m testing the waters here by coming back to it. Perhaps if it does not work for us I will settle for a really nice guy that doesn’t make my loins in constant fire as he does but I doubt very much I will fall in love this hard with anyone else. I would like to lie about this but this is a chat where we can be fully honest. There are really attractive handsome men around and I have dated these 8 months but my heart was never fully on it. Sexually he’s also miles away from anyone else because we just click perfectly

I think it's the art of compromise. You realise what you have is quite rare. Nobody and no relationship is perfect. It's what your dealbreakers end up being, that is the question.

Are his work pressures likely to ease anytime in the future?

I'm glad he was able to accept your feelings and is willing to address these things. This is important.

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 15:34

Thank you Fifthie…yes his work will “normalise” probably mid 2023 and kids off to uni next year so a LOT of change… his life will stabilise further

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 06/12/2022 16:11

That's it @Mila14 and @5thWisdom it is all about acceptance of no one being perfect but knowing what's non negotiable or unable to change

It's all an adventure/exploration and even if you do make a 'this is my guy!' decision one fine day that has to always kept under review and comms to be open and honest going forward anyway. So all this asking ourselves what is good and what is within acceptable boundaries and what is a big no-no is valuable.

I'm with Mila** with much of it being in the sexual compatibility department. That's always going to be a non negotiable for me. But the lifestyle and cerebrals etc they are also so important.

OP posts:

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 16:15

Oncey…you and me separated at birth 😂😂😂…many of your thoughts could be mine!

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 06/12/2022 16:36

Me and MrCars also have busy 'city' style roles too.

I quite like that he has no kids and no fatherly duties to muddy his availability.

OP posts:

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 17:09

Oncey…MrEx wanted more kids…he’s a very gentle soul and immensely empathetic with people. The opposite of my slightly Asperger’s ex husband. I like that very much about him. Plus he’s super witty and makes me laugh
I am grateful we found each other really but unsure about what future is there. When we broke up we both thought we would die of sadness. It was a harrowing time for both. I was angry at him too but I have had time these months to realise no one is perfect and it is all about what is really important for you at every stage of your life.

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 17:10

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 06/12/2022 16:36

Me and MrCars also have busy 'city' style roles too.

I quite like that he has no kids and no fatherly duties to muddy his availability.

There is a real chance you may fall in love with Mr Cars 🥰

Undecidedandtorn · 06/12/2022 17:26

Lovemusic33 · 05/12/2022 13:30

Haven’t posted for a while. Been dating My Cherry for a few months and all is going well (slowly), we see each other once or twice a week which is plenty for me.

Anyway, I came on here today to ask….”what do you buy someone you have only been dating a few months for Christmas?”, I want to buy him a gift but he doesn’t really like ‘things’ but I don’t really want to pay a fortune for an experience and make him feel awkward because I spent too much. So those who are dating someone…”what are you getting them for Christmas?”.

How I have approached the Christmas present plan is to suggest we buy each other a token (no more than a tenner) and we buy a joint night out in Jan - a lovely meal or something and it seems to have go down well.

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 17:55

I NEED MORE THAN ONE WORD MESSAGES!

Hey
Hey x
Hello x
Hi
Hiya
Boo
boo

Argh!!!!

Especially when they DON'T THEN REPLY!!!

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 18:29

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 17:55

I NEED MORE THAN ONE WORD MESSAGES!

Hey
Hey x
Hello x
Hi
Hiya
Boo
boo

Argh!!!!

Especially when they DON'T THEN REPLY!!!

are you bored too with this constant swiping?

how many messages before we start chatting what we really care about?

huh? Did you just pick my profile? Explanation needed

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 18:35

@Mila14 OK I'm going to test the first one out now and report back the response!!

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 18:37

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 18:35

@Mila14 OK I'm going to test the first one out now and report back the response!!

Happy to help…a bit of humour goes a long way!

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 18:40

Haha! So I messaged that back to two matches.

One has come back straight away -

"Yeah massively! Why don’t we skip the bull shit and you come over here tonight x

Hmm. I'm with child this evening anyway but it's an interesting proposition! If he'd suggested meeting in a public place for a quick drink, I may have considered it!

Definitelycross · 06/12/2022 18:46

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 18:40

Haha! So I messaged that back to two matches.

One has come back straight away -

"Yeah massively! Why don’t we skip the bull shit and you come over here tonight x

Hmm. I'm with child this evening anyway but it's an interesting proposition! If he'd suggested meeting in a public place for a quick drink, I may have considered it!

You go girl.

Mila14 · 06/12/2022 18:59

Fifthie …💅🏼…I’m here to help

5thWisdom · 06/12/2022 19:31

Second has come back!!

I quote...

"indeed! looking for thar busty blonde x!"

There are no words.

I'm a B cup so he's going to be terribly disappointed 😂😂😂