Dating Thread 236 - Swiping, Blocking and Video Calls

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

New thread!

@Mila14 Unfortunately I have no idea how to set the criteria properly. I'm using Match and I've worked out how I can do a search, but can't see how to set my own criteria to screen out people I'm not interested in. I've been getting messages from guys young enough to be my son, and people living at the other end of the country from me. It's ridiculous! And I'm extremely hesitant about using free apps becuase I've had a difficult experience with stalking before and I'm hoping that the persons involved wouldn't bother with a paid-for app. Another reason why I feel slightly nervous about the whole thing.

But something MrStars said yesterday made me pause for thought... He's a very kind, thoughtful person and I keep thanking him for it and saying how much I appreciate it. To which he said he doesn't think he's behaving in any way out of the ordinary. Which made me think about how I've been treated by men in the past and generally expect to, I guess, be treated pretty badly, or if not badly then thoughtlessly or without much consideration... to the extent that when someone is actually nice to me in a totally normal way, I'm pathetically grateful. It's not the nicest realisation. 😕

@pencilpot99 Mmm I think you can fall into a trap of liking someone because they chase you, like you, are kind etc but it's good to recognise that you aren't a physically attracted with the spark.

I'm on Tinder and wish there a filter (unless there is one and I don't know about it!) - I've found that updating my profile is bringing up lots in my deck with very similar wording in their profile which helps find like minded people but I'd really like to filter according to certain criteria and not just age and distance. Maybe you need to pay for this on there.

@5thWisdom yes, I really don’t want to lead him on if, realistically there’s no chance of anything coming from it. He hasn’t given me the Fanny-gallops yet 😂

And glad I’m not the only one who’s not worked out how to set criteria (if it’s possible). I was on Hinge before where it was easy, but that’s the one where I was sort of stalked so can’t go back. I’m also nervous about putting out too much info about myself too, which doesn’t help 🤦‍♀️ I’m even nervous of being on here, even though it’s anonymous, in case by some minuscule chance it gets noticed. It’s ridiculous but it makes you SO insecure 😞

@BaddogGooddoggy I really like it, we don’t get too many chances to actually stay over at the moment, so it’s a rare treat to be savoured and enjoyed, and yes can be distracting when someone is holding onto your penis …

what’s is like from the female side, enjoyable and intimate hopefully with someone cuddling your boobs

@JangolinaPitt that sounds great, how is from the female side cuddling up and holding on to his equipment ?

Ha ha @NoDatingForOldMen its obviously very nice but it ALWAYS leads to sex not sleep - even if we’ve already had sex! So we have no touch zones for sleep time

I could never work out how to set criteria on the dating apps either, then would end up with messages from 200 miles away 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can definitely see how holding onto someone’s equipment could be distracting @NoDatingForOldMen 🤣 I don’t think it’s something I’ve ever done but maybe I just haven’t met the right person!

I went to see MrFootball at his house today. I wasn’t working and he WFH so I dropped by. It certainly gave me a little taster of things to come! Hands went to a few places and lots of lovely kissing but no sexy time because he was effectively on call so it was risky. We have pencilled in Sunday when my mum can have DC at hers for the afternoon so I will have an empty house…..just hoping Mother Nature helps me out now 😂

@NoDatingForOldMen
it is lovely!! So intimate

@OLDstolemybrain … so good to see your update… you will not be able to contain your burning loins next time 😂😂😂. Let’s see if Mother Nature behaves

@pencilpot99 I was like that. I didn't understand that that's how normal men behave and we shouldn't be surprised or so grateful. It's taken me ages though. Three years. And I still need to nip myself as a reminder.

Ohmygoodness the holding of balls, penis, boobs - yes definitely. It feels so lovely 🥰

MrG didn't realised that I fancied him 🤦‍♀️ I think I need to be more demonstrative.

Another iron is around and he just does something to me. I actively get annoyed with him but god I fancy the pants off him. I'm trying not to as I think we will be quite feisty together. But god talk about loins 🥰

Update on MrB the pure hottie - he came back I'd deleted his WhatsApp conversation so I have no idea what this was in reply to - he just messaged No. after he'd been so, so attentive. It's rude. And I'm not going there. I'm worth more.

Who do you think is the front runner? Sounds like MrG might be?

those feisty but fancy the pants off relationships have that excitement factor but once that wears off you could just be left with feisty

MrB can get in the bin! No need for rudeness and looks like he’s shown his true colours

I totally get the kindness/compliments thing @pencilpot99 I feel myself not wanting to trouble MrFootball when he’s done something as little as get my favourite teabags in or says something nice about me, it’s difficult after years of being the bottom of the pile but something we can work towards 😊

@OLDstolemybrain yes definitely MrG but we are struggling to meet up again.

Feisty man - yes I'm definitely on my guard there. Big time. But even just one night of a really good riding would be a lovely Christmas present 🎁 😂

MrB has totally blown it. I can't understand how they can be so into you and then just drop you.

There is another guy who lives fairly nearby. He ticks every single one of my many boxes. I haven't matched with him but I did send him a message. Nothing ventured 🤷‍♀️

Saw this and felt it worthy of sharing with Mship

@BaddogGooddoggy I’m too old, fat & tired for round 2 , so it works for me 😂

Thanks @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss … really great advice!!!

The point about expecting one person to fulfil all your needs is very interesting- particularly when you've been previously isolated from your support network by an abuser. It makes it so much harder to start again.

Also that attraction is led by sex and the superficial, followed by the bonding and getting to know one another these days. It's very true.

Glad you enjoyed it @5thWisdom I was particularly interested as running a new fresh experiment (MrCars) where sex and physical attraction were not the forerunners of the connection and attraction. Something much more cerebral and fundamental in terms of our personalities and interests.

Also have been musing about how bothered I could or should be about the fact he isn't side splittingly hilarious which I thought was a non-negotiable for my romantic partners. But I get lol interaction from my good old girlfriends.
He does make me laugh. Just not constantly like a comedian.

I enjoyed hear wise Ms Patel's take on it all. I later listened to her views on erotic intelligence which was thought provoking and MrCars is keen to hear about the topic. Good man.

I too am building up to the more physical attraction of MrG. I mean obviously I fancy him but I found as we talked the attraction got deeper as he's intelligent and very good at debating all sorts. I really liked that.

The other iron is much more lust and I'm trying, through messaging, to see if there is actually more there.

But, I have been isolated a lot before and I'm a very social animal so I always presumed it was my 'fault'. It was a weird type of isolation as in I would always be talked out of social events like weddings etc (god how angry that makes me) but I did have groups of friends. But I had to be careful what I said I talked about with them as it wasn't right to share anything with anyone but him. I hope that makes sense.

Now I've built back up to different friendship groups that fulfil different needs. And I've realised that I'm not just tolerated or useful to them. My friends actually do like me. Also my old friends are there and they're like my cheer team now. But there are definitely ones I would contact for certain things and others that are great for just messing around and silly memes.

I think this and my meeting on Friday has brought up a lot about my friendships. My closest feel guilty that they didn't realise and stop it all. But if I didn't how could they?

But friends are absolutely vital and I will never look to one person to fulfil all my needs. Ever.

excellent video Oncey…I’m a big fan of Esther Perel…listen to her podcast “where should we begin”?…lots of pearl of wisdom while she analysis a couple in therapy
However…I think a spark and the elusive chemistry needs to be there for me.

Spot on Deffy…we can look at one person to fulfill all our needs. These is were we have gone wrong in the past! Diversify in life. I just don’t want to diversify intimacy, so that part needs to be right.

Shocking spelling and worse grammar…I meant we should NOT look at one person to fulfill all our needs. And also …look at where we went wrong in the past. Putting all our energy in just one person and wanting him to be “the one”

However… to me the best man in terms of personality, wit, intellectual calibre and sexiness is MrEx and I doubt very much I will find anyone like him in the future. I fancy the pants of him after 7 years and I feel the same coming from him. But we have other issues and that makes me feel insecure and I no longer feel…this is the guy I will be with when I am old…I really really don’t know but I am certain that we age, and it gets harder and harder finding a life partner. I wanted to drop MrEx numerous times but could never really do it because I am in love. It sounds silly but I can be honest here. We are extremely happy together but also…at times ….extremely frustrated. It is early days and we will see if this relationship has legs. I’m still ambivalent about it all…But I do not believe a guy like this is likely to happen to me again…

What are your main frustrations @Mila14 - what are the blockers there with him?

I'm beginning to think I'm being too picky.

One more half hearted match chat that fizzled into nothing yesterday. Zilch else happening. Mostly left swipes now but not for very long, focussing on other things going on.

I'm pathetic - pining after Mr Boxer, Googling "why do men ghost you"? I'm a grown women for God's sake.

His WA log ins are very sporadic (yes I'm checking. Yes I'm pathetic) - not online all day, then maybe once in the evening and then next online in the early hours of the morning - then nothing until the next evening when he'll log on and then disappear for the whole evening again.

This was very different to our pattern of regular messaging on WA while he was close by.

I'm busy with work and life and still can't get him out of my head. It's weird.

I need to grow up!

@5thWisdom STOP being so hard on yourself.

It's like relearning everything all over again.

I hate Bumble but the odd chats I've had in there have been stopped by them!! Ffs I really was pity swiping too.

The only thing I'm being less picky about is height. Usually would be 6 feet plus but I'm 5' 8" ish maybe a bit more.

But don't berate yourself. It's fucking awful out there 🤗🤗🤗

@5thWisdom many of us have been there and those ghostly men of OLD have us tying ourselves in knots!

I had a hot first date once and never heard from him again. I couldn't believe it and took me ages to get over and like you used to sit like a teenager watching for his movements online.
Madness but understandable madness.

I’m with Deffy…we ALL have done what you do…pining , looking at his WA log ins…looking for answers in Google…the beauty of this thread is that we can see what an amazing coincidence it is, we women ( mostly, as Howlongy has other experiences ) have similar traits and similar pains and joys. We just kept the stuff to ourselves but in reality we all suffer similar things. I feel like I could be best mates with many of you in this thread 😊…and I thank you for listening and giving your honest point of view.