How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

[Constantlyinsecure0]

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

Why do you feel you need to cope with it?

I really don’t think this relationship is going to work.

They cope by not staying with pricks like this.
You're worth more.

I'm not strong enough to leave, financially I'm pretty stuck and I feel like I love him but to be honest I'm broken

Why would you stay with someone you don't trust 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you have stayed with him you have to trust him, if you can't you shouldn't stay

If you don't trust him, it's not going to work.

But to be honest it doesn't sound like he is trustworthy. Know your worth OP, if he can cheat on you the SIX times that you know of, he can do it again. Have you had an STD check since you found out he was cheating? I would strongly reccomend that you do get tested.

Well then your coping mechanism should be focusing on becoming financially independent.

Oh OP that is a sad update, instead of working on forcing yourself to trust him, find a way to get yourself out. Are you currently working OP, do you have DCs?

I know it's a disaster. He treats me awfully and I still love him.

I do work and do have children. We aren't married. I can't afford to live here alone. I'm trying to get on with life and switch off my emotions and any real feeling towards him but it's hard.

This is why I couldn't stay after he cheated. I turned into a jealous clingy nightmare. When he went out I would text constantly, worry, ring when he was late. And when he inevitably did it again i was at absolutely rock bottom.

I'd start working towards being strong enough to leave.

Start by trying to emotionally detach - you can't control what he does or whether he is faithful. He could be banging someone at work, he doesn't have to go out overnight to get away with it. So it's learning to breathe through it and to create emotional distance.

Do things to build up your self-esteem, do things that you're good at. If you're not working, get a job, do training. Focus on getting yourself to a place where you feel you can be independent, both emotionally and financially.

Then leave the fucker.

Your feelings are completely reasonable, as it is entirely likely he will cheat again. You really just need to decide if you can put up with it or not. I suspect you would feel an awful lot happier if you left him although I know that can be easier said than done.

You either leave or you accept he's probably going to keep on doing it, he doesn't even sound sorry.

He could reassure you by not staying out overnight for a start where possible. He could turn on location services on his phone etc.. but do you really want to be in a relationship where you need to have that level of monitoring?

If you aren't strong enough to leave I think you need to make your peace with the fact he will do this again - he's clearly not remorseful in the slightest.

If I were you rather than sitting with the fear and worry, I think I'd just accept he might well cheat. Painful and difficult as it is, you have no way of knowing he won't, so its best to work with the worst case scenario. Rather than try to reassure yourself he hasn't, tell yourself he probably has.
Now, with that in mind, what might you do differently? Stop sleeping with him? Start to distance yourself emotionally? Spend more time out of the house building a life for yourself? Start preparing yourself for a time when you can get free?

What can you do to improve your income? Prospects of promotion, more hours, change of career?

Have you had legal or financial advice? Have you looked into what you might be entitled to as a single parent? Could you move somewhere cheaper?

Even if you ultimately decide to stay, improving your situation so you could walk out if you wanted, so you're staying out of wanting to rather than out of needing to, will make you feel better. Plus it might make him less complacent about putting you through any crap.

I've increased my hours at work as our son is in nursery. Housing is a huge issue in my area.

I've 100% started to emotionally detach. I feel like I'm trying to exist.without any thoughts or emotion. If things are ok between us, that's the hardest because loving someone who has destroyed me is breaking me.

Also, I have STI checks when I discovered he had cheated and thankfully they were clear.

The anxiety you're feeling comes from the fact you are not safe. Your emotional, physical, sexual and mental health is not secure. He is a risk and you know it.

I believe that reconciliation is possible but with remorse. Your partner is a serial unremorseful cheat who uses anger and blame shifting to shut you up.

You worried about these nights out because you know he can not be trusted.

You need to let this relationship go. You need to find a way to get those ducks in a row.

Your well-being is taking a real bashing by staying with this nasty piece of work, it's time to put yourself back in the driving seat of your life.

This is a really unhealthy 'relationship', are you going to live the rest of your life being anxious or wondering where your husband is every time he goes out.
I just couldn't live my life wasting it on this pathetic excuse of a man. He has no respect for you and your child if he has cheated numerous times and you haven't got any respect for yourself.
Are you going to let your child grow up thinking it's normal to treat women like this?
Get your ducks in a row and leave him, you'll not look back.

In making the choice to stay in this relationship you are choosing to suffer.

You dump him. That's how you deal with a cheating partner.

I don't understand the 'start to emotionally detach' thing. surely you can only do that once you end things?

if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.

He is 100% definitely without a shadow of a doubt going to cheat whenever he has the chance. So there's no point focusing on his reassuring you or loving him in any way.

Work as hard as you can on housing, social supports, money and resilience. Do whatever you can to add to your ability to leave him. And don't shag the grubby little arsehole any more in case of STIs and pregnancy.

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left

Because you are choosing to hold your feelings and thoughts in such low esteem as to pretend they don't even exist. You are essentially saying 'Your feelings don't matter', to yourself. Would you ever say that to anybody else, or would that feel really dismissive and disrespectful? Would it make them feel good, or feel like a nothing? The way that you are dealing with your feelings is what is wrecking you. You are responsible for yourself. Don't spend time with people who make you feel like shit. It's up to you to find a way out.

I'm trying to get on with life and switch off my emotions

Life is emotions. This is like saying 'I'm trying to have a healthy diet, so I've decided to eat no food'. It doesn't make sense. Your emotions are all you have. The people around you, the things you own, the place you live, the work you do, are all peripheral: they could all be rubbish, but if you felt happy, it wouldn't matter. Or you could live in a mansion with a pool and food and cocktails served 24/7, but it wouldn't matter if you felt crap.

You have to choose to put yourself in places/with people where you feel good. Trying to live in a situation where you feel bad, and feeling you have to squash your feelings, is self destruct. Like saying 'I don't want to get wet' and then deliberately standing out in the rain. This is a no brainer. You feel horrible around him, and in a relationship with him. So don't do it. Raise your respect for your own feelings: if you feel shit, that MATTERS. That's a thing you have to fix. Start investigating how to get out, not how to find a way to stay with someone who has form for treating you badly.

No, not really, obviously it's easier once the split happens, but for me, I needed to detach first. I stopped caring so much about what he was doing and then I was able to end things. He was a terrible gaslighter and had me chasing my tail for years.