How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

[Constantlyinsecure0]

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

I’m so sad that you don’t see your value.

This man is 55. He’s a dirty, sleazy gas lighter, still trying to act like an 18 year old. In fact, my son is 18 and would never behave like this.

You are mid thirties, with your whole life in front of you and all the potential in the world. You are a decent person with a lot of love to give and anyone should feel grateful to have that. You are worth more.

It’s always difficult to leave. I know that more than anyone after twenty-odd years of marriage - it hurts like God knows. But, if I were you, I’d move home. Home to the people who really love you and the potential people in your future who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I don’t believe you can truly love someone who treats you so appallingly. I believe you can want to desperately cling to them because you want them to love you, and prove you aren’t worthless. You don’t need to do this now.

Another ten years with this man will result in more cheating. Then you’ll be in your forties and it only gets harder.

Good luck op. I hope you find your strength.

My first husband cheated after my kids were born, i think it was more emotional but it broke me. We stayed together because like you I didn't think there was any other option. I really struggled for about 4 years mentally until i stopped caring and then i ended things. he is now remarried and i know he has cheated on his new wife whilst she was pregnant.

My second husband also cheated but i ended it as soon as i found out. I was really in love with him and he didnt show remorse and i knew i would never get over it if i stayed.

I'm currently in a 18 month relationship and 5 months in found my boyfriend had been texting another woman, I have super senses due to how ive been treated previously. i forgave him however view relationships completely differently now. If they want to cheat they will.

I'm working on myself and know i will be ok on my own, if i am truly not happy i know i can leave.

I'm sorry i can't offer much advice ive been cheated on in all my serious relationships. Do you think you would trust the next man to come along?

I want reassurance he will be faithful.

Sorry, PP can't give you that.
FAR more importantly, neither can your H.

He has already cheated on you 6 times (that you know about.)
When you ask for reassurance, he abuses you further, by telling that YOU are in the wrong for being hurt & insecure about his infidelity.

That is not the behaviour of a faithful, loving man.
It IS the behaviour of an unrepentant cheat who is always going to cheat on you.
Why wouldn't he? You let him get away with it, & you tolerate his verbal abuse.

Instead of desperately trying to find a way to pretend all is well, have you ever considered cutting your losses & leaving your cheat?

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You said you are in love with him.

I never EVER would have thought I would put up with what I have. To me, being cheated on would always end a relationship because I know I'd feel so crap about myself and never forget. I've been abused emotionally, sexually hurt, physically not hit but the fact he grabbed and pushed me doesn't bode well. He's also cheated. Yesterday i asked if he'd help me in the house because I'd worked all day and done loads with our son, all housework etc. He'd sat in front of the TV on his phone and done nothing. He said if I want him to help then he's going to stop paying for the rent and I can pay for everything myself!

You are not.
What's going on here is a Trauma Bond.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/supporting-survivors/

all desperately begged to meet him

is that you trying give him an excuse, or him giving you that as the excuse. Like he just couldn’t help himself and since they begged he must oblige?

he sounds like a complete arsehole and to answer your “how do I cope after he’s cheated”

you don’t, it will always plague you. 6+ women? That’s not a mistake, that’s not cheating then being overcome with guilt - he’s playing you. He’ll do it again.

just leave.

He's an abusive gaslighting scumbag.
He has zero respect for you or your feelings and no consideration for your happiness, safety and security.
Decent men want their partners to be happy, safe and secure and they also know that that is in their childs best interests.

He is not worth this pain. You love him but there is nothing special about this man, you'd feel the same 'love' if you were trauma bonded to any of the other scumbags out there who behaved that way.

You deserve so much better.