How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

[Constantlyinsecure0]

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

He won't change, so even if you can't leave now, start to get together an exit plan. You can spend another year with this cheating arsehole, or you can spend the next 30 with him, the outcome is always going to be the same, because that is who he is.

My first H was like him. Absolutely nothing made him stop. Not us having children. Not me finding out and giving ultimatums. After 20 years invested I left him. He went on to have several more relationships and cheated on every one of them. He was serious enough about one to move her in and blend families, I thought he might start to behave - nope! Cheated on her too. He's now living with a lovely lady, they have pooled finances and bought a gorgeous house, he really has it all...guess what, he's playing away again. He also fucks women at the gym.

I am well rid. Got another DH now, who would never be such a pig.

Get out whilst you're still young. Don't spend 20 years flogging a dead horse like I did.

Can't believe he turns it all back on you btw! Yes, how dare you challenge him, he who must be obeyed and adored. Eye roll. You can do so much better.

You should go to the Stately homes thread. This is for adult survivors of violent and abusive homes. Your should post the honest truth that you are unable to leave a violent agresive man and your children will be exposed to this until they are 18. You could ask the posters what kind of therapies they have had as adults in order to cope with their trauma. If you insist on exposing your sons to this at least gather information on the mental illnesses they might suffer and what kind of therapy and support they can get to try to cope with the situation you have forced them to grow up in. My partner did not get diagnosed with complex PTSD until nearly 40. It would have been better someone had given him information on this as a teenager so he could have got treated earlier. Make your sons aware of what complex PTSD is as teens if you can't leave, and that they could have it.

Ah yes, that little nugget. My H said it was okay that he had tried to snog all of my friends, because they all rebuffed him. The mental gymnastics is astounding, isn't it?

What's worse, is that his deeply religious Catholic parents agreed with him, and even said that my H was "just trying to have some fun, whereas I was breaking up the family", thus painting me as the villain of the piece. And then they never spoke to me again. After 20 fucking years!

Hi @Constantlyinsecure0 ,
Have you considered taking yourself and son to your parent's house? If you can get transport there then hopefully your parents could temporarily house you two? Definitely should report to police, they could also potentially help you with getting out too? Your son is in nursery, so taking him out should be less complicated then if he was older, I'm sorry you've been going through this you (and your son) deserve much better ❤️

He will destroy you from the inside out until you are nothing, feel nothing and have nothing.

Leave now and start again at least you will have your self-esteem and can build on everything else.

Partner pushed me in front of our child www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4677652-partner-pushed-me-in-front-of-our-child

You have bigger things to worry about than if he's still cheating (which he probably will be, by the way, as there are zero negative consequences for him when he does)

It's telling that you are more worried about your pride and desperation in being cheated on, than the fact you are exposing your children to his abuse. You need to give up custody of your eldest son to his father, then go to your family.

But... you won't. You'll disappear from this thread then pop up again next week complaining your "partner" doesn't want to have sex with you, or is on the xbox whilst you're ill, or some specific element of this toxic shitshow which completely avoids the main point.

In all the hours you post on here, you could have formulated an exit strategy ten times over.

YOU need to help your kids now. But, you won't, will you?

@constantlyinsecure0 My concern is that your are offloading some of your specific worries onto Mumsnet ( since you have apparently been posting for years about the same thing) in order to cope with the situation and keep the status quo. I imagine your can't spend ages moaning about the fact he cheats to your family because they hate him and don't care how you can stop him cheating because they want you to leave. There is a very significant chance that growing up in this environment will damage your children psychologically. I understand it is hard for abused women to leave but if you can't at least facilitate your children living elsewhere you are selfish. My fiance''s mother acts like she was a wonderful selfless mother and says that my fiance has broken her heart by refusing contact and denies that she has any responsibility for his psychological damage. As it's apparently only fair she should have a love life and not her fault if all of her partners have been extremely violent and beat him constantly, generally with her joining in. I wonder if you will end up like her. She thinks her and the violent men were just trying to discipline the children and it went a bit too far and they all had their good sides despite being evil thugs.

"Me asking for reassurance was when he first cheated and I was devastated. This was months ago.

I don't ask him for any reassurance. I know there is none to be had. I'm completely detached. I don't want him to marry me. I don't want him forever in my life.

As much as I feel I still love him. I genuinely hate the man more than I can describe.

I will definitely be leaving. There is no relationship to save. I am certain of this and my children deserve better.

I am going to spend more time at my mum's around the children being in school. I'll encourage him to go to his dad's, seen as he loves it so much. In between, I'll keep quiet and maintain equilibrium. I'm putting money away and looking for properties."

This is from your thread two weeks ago. Where you insisted you're completely detached and don't beg him for reassurance.

You're just out and out lying now, and it's insulting.

Your kids deserve so much better, it's hard to have sympathy for you, given how disingenuous you are.

Also, you mentioned you had two pill failures within about 6 months of being together, the first ending in miscarriage.

You seem horrified that he cheated whilst you were pregnant but the truth is you'd known him a matter of weeks when you first "accidentally" conceived, and he had already shown himself to be abusive. Yet you "accidentally" conceived again soon after.

How much of your "relationship" was you being flattered by attention from a rich older doctor as a younger single mum, and wanting to "lock him down". FFS you were still trying to get him to marry you in January.

Frankly, you are delusional and desperate and you are going to ruin your son's lives.

(Not that even these harsh words will have any effect, you'll just ignore this thread then start another in a couple of weeks when you discover he cheated on you on his "overnight trips)

Look up trauma bonding and see if it resonates with you. The cheating is the least of your worries. He is an abuser and you are seeking his reassurance as his victim. He will never give you what you need and will use your need for it to abuse you further. Speak to womens aid or your local domestic violence charity as they can support you to leave safely and to protect your children. Best of luck OP but know that none of his behaviour is your fault or a reflection on you. He is responsible for his own actions and you cannot save him and make him a better person but you can save yourself and your children

You are trauma bonded to this brute.

Your smaller boy is now showing signs of distress and trauma bonding. For a while now he has felt compelled to shout out when he hears his dad belittling you. After witnessing the recent assault at his bedside and absorbing his dad’s words, “Mummy is horrible,” he was still very upset the next day and was pleading to go find and be with his dad. Abused children (yes, he is an abused child) will often try to ingratiate themselves with the perpetrators for
self-protection.

As for your 12 year old, you’ve written about the “huge friction” and his frustration at being talked over by your Partner. Whenever he asks your son a question, he constantly interrupts and dominates while DS tries to answer. Enduring 6 years of witnessing/hearing P’s relentless verbal beatings of you will have taken its toll on your boy’s emotional health.

Both children are at great risk of suffering long-lasting ramifications.

You’ve called Women’s Aid, done the Freedom Programme, and read numerous books suggested by posters. So far nothing has put a dent in your desperation to cling to this poisonous relationship.

I don’t recall if you’ve ever sought IC, but you’re in dire need of that professional support. As you’re a nurse, you should be able to source a top-notch therapist who could help you rebuild your self-esteem and break this malignant bond that is destroying you and your children.

Wow! Reading your previous threads is so frustrating and disheartening. What is wrong with people?! These are your children, they are witnesses and victims of an abusive home. Why on earth are you allowing this to happen?!

You are both toxic, you don't love him and he certainly doesn't love you. You both married for the status, stability and lifestyle- this isn't love this is toxicity.

You are looking for the option where he becomes the man you thought married, a man who could provide a comfortable life for you all. And there's no harm in that if he was that man. But by your own words he has treated you and even more importantly than that your children like utter scum.

I honestly don't understand how you can allow him to abuse your children. I can understand if you felt the need to stay but I don't know how the moment your children were treated poorly you didn't leave.

Surely a life as a single mother, with little means but a safe life for your children is better than a guilded cage.

I wish I hadn't shared my experience now, there are no comparables to yours.

I've been through similar and found it was better to take a huge financial hit (having to claim benefits and live in a crappy house) than to spend my life with someone who doesn't love me. And btw, I'm so sorry but he doesn't love you, no context matters.
Now I'm with someone who does love me and it was worth the years of shit to be with him.

Do you go out and enjoy yourself? Does he worry when you do?

Sounds like your life revolves around him. No amount of reassurance is going to make you feel better. You shouldn't be worried every time he goes out. If you feel you want to stop him going out, it's no relationship.

Confide in family and go and stay with them for a bit.

Disappeared again @Constantlyinsecure0 ??

Honestly what do you get out of this?? Do you enjoy gathering advice to just ignore it?

Anyway, see you in a week or two when he swears at you over nappy rash cream or something....

What exactly do you love about him?

Oh God no not the doctor again? Op with yet another name, taking zero notice of anyone's advice.

You know what? You're both abusing your children and should be ashamed of yourself.

I don't believe this person cares a fig for her children. Or she would leave.

OP how would you feel if your son treated a woman in this way? Or your daughter was being treated like this?! They follow your example on what a "normal" relationship is. Go to where your family is and let them support you to get back on your feet.

Despite years of bullying and disdain in a malignant home with children present, what seemed to push OP over the edge was discovering his previous cheating.

From previous threads, she has always counted on their active sex life to bind him to her. If P goes 2 or 3 days without initiating sex, she fears he is losing interest and may go elsewhere. She has queried the general age when the male sex drive begins to dwindle because she doesn’t want to lose his dependence on her in that regard. It’s the foundation of her feelings of validation in this relationship, so she tolerates his being sexually rough when he is angry.

Considering all of the above, it’s not surprising that she is prioritizing her fear of his possible upcoming infidelity over her disgust at his verbal/physical violence and the protection of her innocent children.

All of this.

Her children are an afterthought. It's all about "keeping" him, at whatever cost.

She also used to post on style & beauty frequently boasting about finding outfits to make her attractive to him and the Botox she
Was getting to stay looking young. Yet she can't afford/won't downsize to a 2 bedrooms flat to protect her kids?

At this stage, she is abusing them too.

You get rid. Then you detach. Then you live your life free of his bullshit. Your kids need to see you at your best, not beaten down by his crap. You will look back and wonder how the hell you stayed so long. You deserve so much better

He can't reassure you because if the opportunity presents itself, he'll take it. Surely whatever he says it'll be meaningless so what's the point?

I remember posting on a previous thread of yours. Now I just desperately hope he leaves you because you're still with him. What needs to happen for you to end it?

She's abusing herself and her children. I've posted about my friend and her self destructive antics that worried me but this is the most ridiculous person I've ever encountered. Two toxic dangerous parents, those children have no chance.

It's sad some people think that bullying OP is going to get her to do the right thing. It will only push her in a deeper hole of sadness, ergo push her towards him.

The posts are relentless under different user names all about the same thing. It's exasperating and worrying that nothing will change.