How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

[Constantlyinsecure0]

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

Can you stay with family for a couple of weeks as a holiday. Being away from an abuser can make you see more clearly and stop you putting obstacles in your own way

Oh my word, this is so sad. Why on earth do you feel
like you have to put up with this. Easy for me to say I know but I would never in a million years stay in this situation- you absolutely deserve more than this & it’s so sad you don’t feel like you do.

theres no point in him reassuring you, it means nothing, he will do what he wants.

he grabbed and pushed me in front of our child, whilst swearing and shouting that I was a fucking bitch and a fucking twat. In front of our child who was screaming "mummy"

Can you see that it's quite a feat of mental gymnastics for him to have done that and you to then say "but he doesn't hit me" like that makes it all okay so long as he hasn't punched you?

I think everything he does to you is already outrageous regardless of whether he hits you or not.

What you described above is common assault, just so you know.

@piedbeauty 6 that I know of! I found messages to 6 different women from earlier in our relationship. 2 of which occured during my pregnancy (not the one that resulted in our child but the one that ended in miscarriage). He's tried telling me we weren't in a relationship at the time and his excuse is that he wasn't commited to me. Yet I was pregnant, he had told me from the start he was with me and only me. We never used condoms (I was on the pill) so presumably he didn't use condoms with them either. 1 of the women was someone he went on a date with, another he was dating whilst abroad (I saw he had been on POF/spain early in our relationship but when I questioned him he said he hadn't used it, I was anxious and insecure), the other woman he wanted her tilontuen up in no knickers and taste her vagina (whilst I was 3 months pregnant) another woman he was begging to unblock him because he really wanted to meet her (I was preg), the other women he was just chatting to. The sixth I don't know much about. Partner said that all these women were just past relationships he was slow in ending but none were past relationships. Although during a disagreement where I said how upset I was that he had cheated, he replied "how do you think my other gf felt" 😳 I questioned him as he said they were all causal and promised I was the only one he was properly seeing, then he backtracked and when I kept demanding answers he said I'm biploar.
I also found him messaging na ex since our child has been born but he brushed it off.
Also, those messages were all text. I couldn't access his WhatsApp and it's WhatsApp he uses daily. Not text.

'he grabbed and pushed me in front of our child, whilst swearing and shouting that I was a fucking bitch and a fucking twat. In front of our child who was screaming "mummy".'

If you won't leave this arsehole for yourself then leave him for your child. It is so damaging for children to witness this level of abuse.

There's just nothing good about him. You say your family hate him - well, ask them for help! Escape to them.

3hrs away. So move there and drive your child half way to meet your soon to be ex partner. Tedious but your current alternative is horrific.

Or as another poster suggested, move half way yourself and be closer to family but no far away that he can argue you've absconded with his child.

I'd go with the former as from the sound of him, I think your child will see him once in a blue moon and be better off for the distance.

For gods sake wake up. Give notice at work unless you can work remotely, then pack up and go.

He will cheat again. The only way you're going to mentally survive this relationship if you refuse to leave is to just accept that.

He screamed at me in the car whilst I was driving, up in my face calling me every name under the sun with my child in the back crying. I stopped the car he got out started beating on the front of the bonnet. It was terrifying. I went home packed everything I could and left to my friends house. My family came over and got most of the things I needed whilst he hurled abuse at us in the street. There was no going back.

You have been through hell, but remember you are surviving and with that brings strength. You can leave and you can have an amazing life without him in it.

He is a liar and telling you a lot of nasty stuff that isn’t even real- it’s all part of his tactic to lower your self esteem and keep you isolated from family and friends.

He is telling you you are not good enough- he is wrong. You are good enough. You are worthy of a kind, generous, loving partner- he is the one who is not good enough.

You have shown that you are amazingly resilient to the years of hard times and abuse that you continue to endure , with your children being traumatised by witnessing.     Take your resilience away from surviving with him, and redirect this resilience - that you already have - into surviving without him and his abuse. 

Reach out to Mumsnet and women’s aid , and to friends and your family, and take steps to leave.

He is making you feel that you can’t survive financially without him-wrong. He is keeping you poor financially and emotionally while you are with him but you can and will do better without him. He is breaking your spirit and bringing you and the children down. Once free of this you are on the way towards a better future. It will be hard but it is the best decision for you and your children and you can and will make it through

THE PART TIME DOCTOR AGAIN????

Seriously, why keep name changing and posting asking for advice you are never going to take. You're taking the piss out of people now.

We get it, you won't leave him, you're happy to bring your sons up in this shit show.

Own YOUR part in your own life.

Is it the doctor again OP?

If so then I really think at this point that name changing so often about the same abusive arsehole is disingenuous.

There's a reason everyone on multiple threads at multiple times have told you he's abusive and that your children are being raised in an abusive household that is hugely damaging for you.

No number of threads will change that.

I think you should be leaving this man as soon as you can get your ducks in a row. One affair is one thing and some people do come back from it with huge commitment from both partners, but serial affairs like this? Nope, he's playing you for a fool and will do it again. He wouldn't be going out like this for quite some time until trust was rebuilt if he was genuinely remorseful.

This is one of the dangers of having children without being married, you get trapped with no recourse to the family funds except supposed. And doesn't he know it? How convenient for him.

But, you are in this situation so you need to make some plans, even if they are baby steps and even if they mean you have to live a different lifestyle or even move area.

Also, I have STI checks when I discovered he had cheated and thankfully they were clear. Next time they might not be, and there are some things that don't always show up straight away. He's a risk to you OP.

*except supposed child support that is difficult to get paid sometimes

It’s not only the fact that he cheated, it’s how he’s dealt with it afterwards. If he’s not accepted responsibility and taken significant steps to show you he’s addressed the vulnerabilities and behaviours that led to the affair(s) then of course you won’t be able to trust him. Has he had counselling? Has he given you an open phone policy? Relationships can recover from infidelity but it takes a huge amount of work on both sides.

You’ve been posting threads about your Abuser for years, the last just 2 weeks ago.

I would assume that this experienced cheat who thrives on stomping on your dignity will continue his infidelity. But with this monster, that would be the least of my concerns.

In your last thread, you seemed determined to make a change because the Abuser physically assaulted and cursed you in front of DS, age 3, terrifying him. After he shoved you out of the room and locked you out, DS cried, ‘Let Mummy in!’ He told DS, ‘No, Mummy is horrible.’ It’s probable that older DS, age 12, heard the shit-show from his room next door.

These boys have been witnessing the Abuser’s horrific treatment of you for years, and we’ve pleaded with you to acknowledge how damaging this is to them. Your little son is now showing signs of trauma, as he is now shouting back when Abuser shouts at you.

After the physical assault you finally appeared to take to heart the dire need to protect your sons by leaving.

His constant unhinged contempt, aggression, belittling, shouting, name-calling, talking over you, shutting you down, refusing to listen….it’s been endless. In September you wrote about his roughness during sex, even making you bleed, if he’s been angry with you earlier.

You’ve detailed examples of his despicable mistreatment of you during your pregnancy and during DS’s babyhood. Why is it shocking that he was also cheating during that time? A monster is going to be a monster.

My heart goes out to your boys, who are being trained to be abusers or victims of abuse.

Would your older son’s father help you get away?

Love... leave. It's over. You do not trust him and never will. He's proven himself to not be trustworthy and frankly he doesn't love you.

You can't ever persuade yourself this is OK bc you KNOW he will do it again at the first opportunity.

Leave with your dignity intact.

To me it sounds like you don't love him but you're trauma bonded to him.

Next time you want to have a child with someone get married first. Not for all the benefits but so they can't argue they didn't expect it.

Although I was on the pill for 6 years and never got pregnant.

Leave him get an implant/IUD and start acting like an adult

He cheats. He lies. He gaslights. He's lazy and selfish. He doesn't like you, let alone love you, he is abusive - emotionally and physically. He is a risk to yours and your child's wellbeing and physical safety. He is reducing you to a shell of yourself.

The only answer here is to get out, if not for yourself then for your children who are living in an awful, abusive household.

What would you tell your child if they were in your relationship?

If you stick with him, your children are likely to grow up like him, or to end up with partner like him.

Hi OP you could report him to the police - he is and will continue to abuse you - I’m so sorry you are going through this - if he fucked off - would you be entitled to any benefits - look at Entitled To - I’m angry for you -= you need to start letting others know - could you call Womens Aid - I found my local group and got some support - if you cannot leave for yourself -PLEASE do it for your children - they are being damaged by his behaviour.
if your family can help that’s great - these men Want Absolute Power Over You.
Thers is a free PDF book - Why Do they do that - by Lundy Bancroft - please look at it.
Another question - is he like this with anyone else? Does he treat his friends, his family his work colleagues like this. Does he scream and shout at the?
Please note - it is not you - yes such men hate women -
You need help to break the attachment with him.
It was through mumsnet that I was able to see him hitting me WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY - he made a choice -
If someone treated you like this in the street - what would you do?
Please seek help. 🌺

Oh no it's not part time doctor is it?

I'm sorry but you are damaging your children by staying with this man. That's not ok.

My fiance's grew up in a household like this. His father was spectacularly violent and enjoyed strangling as well as punching, beating ect. His violence got worse over the years. His mental health is absolutely terrible and he has been in years of therapy. He has very severe complex post traumatic stress disorder. I absolutely beg you, if you can't leave at least send the children to live with your parents or the older son to live with his father. If you have been posting for years as other posters suggest and can't leave then you need to at least send your children to live with other people. My fiance wished social services could take him into care but his mother told him foster care would be worse and banned him from calling social services. When his father finally left she quickly replaced him with a string of other incredibly violent men who beat him. Including one who tried to beat him up when he was 25. He only didn't go to the police because his mother loved this abuser. If you are like his mother and can't live without a violent man then tell social services and they will remove your children and may place them with your family. My fiance wishes he had not let his mother persuade him not to call social services and get himself removed into foster care. He now does not speak to any of his immediate family.

He tried again as an adult to have a relationship with his mother after years of no contact but she, at the age of nearly 80 was still tangled up with yet another abusive monster whose own child was no contact. She wanted him to meet this guy who was apparently lovely but also shouted at her constantly. She has zero self esteem and was so desperate for any scrap of male attention that she would watch a man strangle her children or beat them until they were in severe pain and do nothing except say they deserved the punishment. He will never speak to her again. I guarantee you whatever nursing home she ends up with she will find the most agresive man in the place and try to have a relationship with him. Even if she were 95 her self esteem will be based on whether she can get attention from any man.

If you have been posting for years and are unable to leave this is what it may feel and look like from your son's perspectives as adults and the perspectives of their future partners. Especially if the violence escalates and continues through their childhoods. You can choose to live with a violent man but refused to send your children to live elsewhere where they may avoid developing trauma issues is desperately selfish and may cause relationship problems with them when they are adults.