How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

[Constantlyinsecure0]

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

@Littlepaws18 I know you are right. I know things won't get better and things are so much worse than what I've put on here. I just can't fathom why he's even with me, as he seems to resent me. He's lazy and I don't think he can be bothered in a normal relationship. He also can't move on, so in his head he's still a young man who can chase young women. He's 55!

Good news is, you aren't doomed to be stuck. You can change things for yourself.

And remember, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, so be compassionate towards yourself.

If you're broken, he broke you. And he's worked hard to do it so you need to work hard on fixing those aspects of your self-talk which are keeping you there.

He's 55. How old are you?

Ok if you can't leave yet you think if him as a rent payer.

He can go out do what he likes because he has done in the past, you enjoy the peace, and just secretly make plans to enable you to move out. Once in that position you calmly tell him you needed more from him for full forgiveness and he never gave that.

You are either going to have to leave or park your feelings at this moment in time. Somlet the sucker go out on his jolly fun evenings just keep taking his rent and cash and make secret plans.

If you only have one child maybe it is an option to move in with parents until you find your feet. Another job near to family support shouldn't be difficult.

this is not love it's emotional dependancy.

You can’t relax and trust him because he’s not trustworthy and is doing absolutely nothing to show he loves you and you can trust him.

m your self esteem sounds so low OP but believe me you are worth a million times more than this man is capable of ever giving you.

please don’t waste your life.
it won’t be harder without him because the life you are living is impossible and you will never be free of the endless worry and self doubt. Without him might feel a challenge but I promise you that you will feel so free you can get through the difficulty of it.

get help and support and make some plans.

you deserve to be happy and we only get one life.

Oh OP please try to work out how you can leave. You cannot live like this - you are worth more than this!!

he's spent so long saying I'm "mental, angry and insane

But you're not. Why is he the person who gets to decide on your sanity? What authority does he have? Who does he think he is? He can think you're nuts if he wants.

What if he told you your hair was made of custard? Would you eventually back down and start to think it might be true? Or would you think he was more 'mental and insane' every time he said it? What's different with your sanity? Why are you more willing to believe that you're insane than you would be to believe that your hair is made of custard?

I agree

you dump him . thats how.

of course you can leave him if you want to. you are choosing not to

This is straight out emotional abuse.

It's not often talked about in the context of infidelity, but that's what it is. You're gaslighted to hell and your reasonable, valid emotions and questions are cast as there being something wrong with you.

If you have supportive family, maybe do a flit and go to them. Work out what to do from there, when you're out of his influence.

@frozendaisy this is how I'm trying to see it. The rent is paid and we have a home whilst I try to detach.

@MrsTerryPratchett he's definitely broken me. I'm too scared to do anything
.I get criticised and shouted at if I forget to replace a towel or a bin bag, he regularly shouts, cheats yet threatens to leave. Honestly there is worse but I won't go into it.

I'm 36.

@username8888 I have another child, so it's not so easy unfortunately.

@Watchkeys I don't believe I'm insane. However I think this annoys him more. The fact I can see exactly what he's doing to me but my realisation make him angry with me.

I'd be pretty anxious if someone was treating me like that. You're not the problem and you have more power to change your life than he has taught you to believe.

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet? Because this is coercive control.

If your partner cheats and you choose to forgive them, then you should never mention it again, move on and be happy. If you can't do this then you have to seperate unfortunately.
If you need reassurance then he should be the one giving you a quick call or message when he's out, also just to check in on you. It's really not hard to message throughout the day and even send pictures of like the match, or a selfie etc. He should want to do these things.
He should be making the effort, if he really cared about you.

And I really don't understand why you don't understand why you can't emotionally detach yourself before you end the relationship...

Surely most relationships ultimately end once the couple - or at the very least one of them - have become detached emotionally!

How far away are your family? If your shared child had to be delivered back every other weekend (or met half way) how much of a burden would it be?

Can you be reemployed near your parents? It must be killing your family to watch you be abused like this.

I was in an abusive relationship that was physical but it was the mental abuse that was far worse. And I didn't leave him, I stayed tried to make it right, had a child (best dd in the universe), I even began to normalise the abuse, it was ok I could handle it, every couple argues etc.

But it wasn't normal and it wasn't ok and I couldn't handle it and my baby daughter suffered too, from being in an atmosphere of abuse. I was kidding myself that she was ok.

Finally one incident made me snap out of my acceptance coma. That night I left I told everyone I could so I now couldn't go back, I reported his behaviour to the police, got an excellent solicitor who smashed in both the criminal and family courts and after two years of hell he is finally out of our lives for good.

It was the hardest decision I've ever made leaving. I told my mom my life was over I was now only living for my daughter, I moved home which as much as I love my family it was so hard. Worked 13 hour days as my commute was 3 hours daily. Saved every penny for a new home. I felt I wouldn't ever find love (and I did have two years of rubbish dates after) but finally by chance again when I was about to give up on relationships and invest in cats- I found my soulmate. 4 years on we are married have a lovely home and amazing blended family, another child, a dog. Life is a roller coaster but remember it's not all down, without you even expecting it, life can change for the better you can have whatever you want in life- you just have to preserve through the bad and not give up on your goals.

You don't live a man who cheats on you, you don't love a man who abuses you and treats you with distain and disrespect. You don't need a man who treats you this way. Believe me the moment that sinks in, is the moment when your life starts to change for the better. And not just your life, because if you think it isn't impacting your child think again. My daughter feared men for many years, had night tremors, was clearly stressed and I left when she was 9 months! Your son is normalising his behaviour too, it will affect him in ways you don't even realise until it's too late.

This isn't a fulfilled life, but that doesn't mean you can't have one, deserve one, it all starts with you x

I think you feel you love him precisely because you feel insecure and weak. The more you focus on becoming strong, your self-worth will rise and that love will disappear.

If he reassured you, you'd be a mug to believe him, so what's the point... It only reinforces the power he has in the relationship, that you're so desperate to stay with him that you're reduced to begging him for reassurance. That's not going to help build the self-confidence you so desperately need.

You said your family were supportive but lived to far away... This sounds like one of the situations where it's better to move their way and stay with one of them, while you rebuild your life in a new area, and get a new job. If my child was in your situation, I'd have them back home in a heartbeat.

He cheated with 6 women? I'd tell him to piss right off. I'm worth more than that - and so are you.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams my family are around 3 hours away.

@Littlepaws18 thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry for all you have been through, you really do give me hope that it gets easier and life can be normal again. I never thought my partner would jlhurt me but recently he grabbed and pushed me in front of our child, whilst swearing and shouting that I was a fucking bitch and a fucking twat. In front of our child who was screaming "mummy". If you don't mind me asking, what was the point that made you decide to leave?

I never EVER would have thought I would put up with what I have. To me, being cheated on would always end a relationship because I know I'd feel so crap about myself and never forget. I've been abused emotionally, sexually hurt, physically not hit but the fact he grabbed and pushed me doesn't bode well. He's also cheated. Yesterday i asked if he'd help me in the house because I'd worked all day and done loads with our son, all housework etc. He'd sat in front of the TV on his phone and done nothing. He said if I want him to help then he's going to stop paying for the rent and I can pay for everything myself!

@Tuilpmouse you're right. I'm not going to ask him anything. It's pointless and gives him more power. He'll do what he wants regardless and has no respect for me.

my realisation make him angry with me

So don't tell him. This isn't about him understanding or accepting what you think, this is about you accepting what you think. It's internal. Let him call you nuts, he can say whatever he wants. You don't need to argue. You have nothing to prove to him. He can think you're made of custard if he wants; so what?