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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated

132 replies

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 18:48

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 26/11/2022 20:06

Why are you coping with this cheating scum? I wouldn't cope because my husband would be my ex!

Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:06

By starting to detach I mean that leaving would be a logistical nightmare and we share a child. Financially it's not feasible either. Also I don't feel strong enough to leave because I love him. I'm trying to plod along without feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:09

@category12 it's also how I feel. My partner is a complete gaslighter. I'm also trying to detach and hoping I won't care and it'll be easier to leave.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/11/2022 20:12

Also I don't feel strong enough to leave because I love him

Then work on your strength to leave. Nothing is a nightmare as much as trying to live with someone you feel this way about. You've said it yourself. you're a wreck. You need to find a way to get out. There will be one. It's not good for your child, either, to grow up in an atmosphere of distrust. They'll think that's how adult relationships work, and replicate it in their adult life. I know this because I was in their position. It ruined me for relationships until I hit rock bottom in my 40s and had counselling. I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. Don't do this to your child: find a way out.

AdoraBell · 26/11/2022 20:12

Do you have any family support, emotional support or practical?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/11/2022 20:16

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:06

By starting to detach I mean that leaving would be a logistical nightmare and we share a child. Financially it's not feasible either. Also I don't feel strong enough to leave because I love him. I'm trying to plod along without feeling.

Why do you love an uncaring, cheating, lying scumbag? What is there to love? Who taught you that this is what is lovable?

If it's not financially feasible to leave, make changes. Because leaving is the only thing which will change anything.

Quiegal · 26/11/2022 20:16

Probably not the best advice I will give you. But I be like joining dating sites or there is a site to make friends too. Just talk to other people try have a social life.

Through the new friendships maybe new love interests it may give you the confidence boost and realize your worth and you can leave.

Normally wouldn't suggest revenge but feel more than once is taking the mic.

Honestly if I were you wouldn't care what I did and he found out.

Through work meet new people agree to go out with colleagues. Let him get jealous and worried and see your happy moving on.

I honestly can't see a way back to how things were with you damage is done.

ArcticSkewer · 26/11/2022 20:16

If you are going to stay, then just accept he sleeps with other women but chooses to come home to you and your child.

Do your family know you are so upset and could they support you?

Puppers · 26/11/2022 20:21

There isn't a way to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, which is what you've got. This partnership cannot bring you happiness. All that's in store for you is either further heartbreak and betrayal or, if you're lucky, the possibility that the relationship morphs into a kind of "co-habiting parents who tolerate each other for convenience's sake" situation.

You can't cope with him going out because you know from experience that he can't be trusted and his lack of remorse and his gaslighting tells you loud and clear that he hasn't changed. So there is no reason to believe he would behave any differently now than he did when he cheated with multiple women.

The only way to secure a happy future is to leave him. In your shoes I would be working towards that by gaining financial independence.

Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:21

My family are great and they hate him for many reasons that don't just include cheating.
I'm always welcome with them but it's not practical as they live too far away.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/11/2022 20:21

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:09

@category12 it's also how I feel. My partner is a complete gaslighter. I'm also trying to detach and hoping I won't care and it'll be easier to leave.

It messes with your head and self-esteem so badly.

I was able to leave when I finally realised I could do better on my own, for my kids, for myself, that he was actually a millstone around my neck. That I was probably codependent rather than in love any more. I got a better job, I had built up a social network of people who actually seemed to like me, and I was ready to make the jump.

Joyfuljolly · 26/11/2022 20:22

Yeah sorry,he’s over he side,,and your meed for his money means you will take it;.please tell me I’m wrong?

Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:23

So presumably nobody thinks there is any point in me asking him to reassure me that he won't cheat again.
By cheat I have to be clear with him that means no sexual or physical contact with another woman, no trying to have sex with another woman, no getting another woman's number to send dirty messages and no dating. As apparently it wasn't that bad asking a woman for sex when I was pregnant, because she said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:24

Sorry @Joyfuljolly I'm not too sure what you mean

OP posts:
category12 · 26/11/2022 20:25

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:23

So presumably nobody thinks there is any point in me asking him to reassure me that he won't cheat again.
By cheat I have to be clear with him that means no sexual or physical contact with another woman, no trying to have sex with another woman, no getting another woman's number to send dirty messages and no dating. As apparently it wasn't that bad asking a woman for sex when I was pregnant, because she said no.

Not really. Because 1. he'll get angry and shut you down again and 2. you won't believe him.

Pineappleskies · 26/11/2022 20:25

Of course there's no point.

Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:25

@category12 I agree that it's not love. I feel like I live him but this is absolutely not a caring, supportive and loving relationship. I feel he hates me most of the time. I am obviously messed up to be staying.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 26/11/2022 20:27

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 18:48

To those of you who stayed with a cheating partner. How do you cope when they go out? Do you now trust them? Or are you a wreck like me?

Been with partner 6 years. Found out he cheated early on with 6 plus women. All desperately begging them to meet him. I caught him messaging an ex since our son was born but he talked his way out of it (I didn't know about the early cheating at this point).

I'm a wreck and have no self esteem left. I've asked him for reassurance in the past that he won't cheat again but if I mention it he tells me I'm making him angry and my behaviour is abusive.
So I think I find it extra hard due to lack of truth/remorse and the deflection onto me.

Anyway, moving on...
My partner occasionally goes out. I don't mention anything about feeling insecure, I never say I don't want him going out and when he does go out I don't message him etc. I leave him to it.

He's going out next week to watch football and staying overnight then Saturday he's off to London over night with friends. I've not said anything to him but I'm a nervous wreck. I want reassurance he will be faithful. I want to ask him to reassure me but I know it'll make him angry. I also know there is no point really because he's hardly doing to say "well actually constantlyinsecure if I see a woman I like, I try and have sex with her".

How do people cope??

Sorry why are you still with this cheating scumbag? Your self esteem will be much improved when you kick him to the kerb and start respecting yourself. X

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/11/2022 20:27

But he WILL cheat again. There's no incentive for him not to. Why just request he lies to you? What's the point? All that means is he will have even more of your power and you will have even less dignity.

And you don't have to define cheating to a good man because they will steer away from anything approaching it. You only feel you need to spell it out because yours is a bad man.

Watchkeys · 26/11/2022 20:28

I am obviously messed up to be staying

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. Take that off the agenda, come from a standpoint of 'I'm normal; my feelings are normal; my thoughts are normal; anybody in my position would feel the way I do', and the whole situation would look different.

SunflowerTed · 26/11/2022 20:28

Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:25

@category12 I agree that it's not love. I feel like I live him but this is absolutely not a caring, supportive and loving relationship. I feel he hates me most of the time. I am obviously messed up to be staying.

Get help and leave asap

Littlepaws18 · 26/11/2022 20:31

You know the answer but you are trying to find a plan b which you can live with. But you need to either accept that he doesn't love you (because if he did he wouldn't gas light you, he wouldn't cheat on you multiple times, he wouldn't blame you for bringing it up) and accept that he will cheat at some point again in the future. Or you need to make plans for your future. Find a good therapist who can work through your feelings, save as much as you can, try and do all you can to get a promotion etc. look into rental properties. Leaving may be a few years away you might need to wait until your child finishes nursery. But whatever you do there isn't a third option. He's not going to miraculously realise he's been treating you like crap, want to work on your relationship and treat you like you should be. His actions are of a man who doesn't love or respect you, so you want to live like that for the rest of your life?

Original poster
Constantlyinsecure0 · 26/11/2022 20:33

@Watchkeys thank you he's spent so long saying I'm "mental, angry and insane". When I first discovered the cheating and asked questions, whenever I caught him in a lie (which was a lot because he was talking crap), he'd say "here you go, this is your anxiety. You're insecure and your insecurity is so unattractive to me. You need to do better or I'll leave you" 😢 I'm broken. So broken.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 26/11/2022 20:35

He’s been abusive to you for years. No wonder your self-esteem is non-existent. No wonder your head is all over the place. You’re in a really unhealthy and abusive ‘relationship’.

Bananarama21 · 26/11/2022 20:35

Life is too short to live like this