AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

OP, you sound like you are going through a storm at the moment and just wanted to say keep going. Sorry- long post!

You’ve mentioned menopause and hormone, anger etc a few times- although not your primary issue, but I think relevant, have you considered or are you on HRT? (If medically suitable)…

In my profession I speak to women struggling with life in their late 40s/ 50s almost daily. Women feeling so pulled by so many demands from everyone; partners, parents, young adult children struggling (let’s be honest- they’ve had a v rough few years comparatively speaking), expectations of GC support, big work responsibilities etc. So many women trying to keep so many people supported and cared for at their own emotional and mental expense. The icing on the cake for women juggling what might be the most demanding decade is fecking mental hormones.

HRT is not a magic bullet but so many of my women find it a total game changer- often having resisted it for years to then say ‘I wish I’d done this earlier’.

May not be re relevant to you and if so please disregard!

The other thing I often note with women is that they don’t want to let anyone down and will drive themselves into the ground trying.

I generally counsel balance, boundaries, self care, making their own needs heard and as important as everyone else’s. We know if your DD, DS and DHs needs and wants here but not yours. Maybe you need to pause with refereeing everyone else’s requirements and consider your own. Prioritise and pencil down what they are and how they are achievable, whilst maintaining some harmony between all parties.

Womans/ ‘mums’ needs so often go unvoiced.

Take some time to just breath and work out an amicable way forward. Everyone in this scenario has valid needs and wants but they all need to be balanced.

I’d discount and black or white response here- the nuances of relationships won’t translate into a social media thread so it’s impossible to give you specific advice (nor should we).

FWIW I don’t think YABU for feeling the way do you in the heat of the moment. Plenty of times I’ve thought that about my long suffering DH in a specific drama- and we have a pretty great relationship.

Go easy on yourself. You are clearly a very caring person trying to do your best for everyone.

Yes that's better

Thank you ❤️

Now I won't sound like a raving, rambling psycho (well, maybe slightly less like one 😬🤞)
Thanks. X

OP I will be very blunt

My concern now is that he will be entitled to money from you if you divorce.

How did this set up come about? You sound as if you didn't think this through but I realise there will be other information as well as your posts.

I had a younger man show an interest in me, pretty sure he was after a visa.

Sorry. It's just always a possibility, especially if he lived off your money for ages, that he could get some money from you in a settlement.

of course he was!
he was mr nice while he was on the back foot, now he's got it the mask is off and he wants to rule the roost
shoulda kept him chained up in the basement OP (j/k)

I suspect your DS and DD might be taking advantage of the situation,,, ultimately at your cost…. Your marriage is still in early days so you should be working on building your relationship (btw… I’ve been married 35 years and it takes work!)
you have to respect your husband is working and needs an appropriate work place.
Id suggest that your draughtier realises that any diagnosis ofADHD at the age of 2 is somewhat unreliable and focuses on guiding her child to understand what’s right and wrong like any two year old…
I personally don’t believe any student can’t earn money and as such make any contribution to the home, financial or otherwise.
if you’re struggling with the menopause go and see your GP re HRT… this will help you see things much more clearly…

Just divorce him. Sounds like it'll be better for all involved.

😂😂😂 (to the basement comment)
Trying not to think about the rest of it till Ive digested the DD/DS issues. That might be best on a new thread 'AIBU to think I'm a total knobhead' 😬

You sound as if you didn't think this through
neither would I have in my perimenopausal sex fiend phase if some young bloke was shagging my brains out anytime I wanted it! I think you've been played OP
Just divorce him. Sounds like it'll be better for all involved
he's likely done his research & knows he's well placed to be quids in if they divorce?

hormonal, knackered and tbh, fucking annoyed with my lot in life.

Maybe you have just gone to the end of the road for your relationship. No good deed goes unpunished and all that.

Do you know what a divorce would involve for you? The longer the marriage, the more that he would be entitled to. Maybe find out so you know what you are facing. Then pay him something g to go away.

Sorry.

I don't feel strong enough to go through any more trauma ATM if I'm being honest, and the sex thing was (and still is) a bonus. It's just the peripheral issues around the marriage that are causing me to question things.
And anything financial I'll take on the chin. Like another poster pointed out, I'm an adult and I decided to marry him. Fair point.

I can see both sides! My OH works from home sometimes and I find it a huge pain when he does as I have to keep the kids
Quiet, I can't go in that room (no office) so he's either in kitchen or living room.
Can he not go into the office to work half the week? I have young children and seek company and assistance in my mum too but I wouldn't turn up every day. Can you not suggest she pops to you for a cuppa instead occasionally and use your husband and his working from home as an excuse? Or go out for a walk with your daughter and grandson. If the child isn't able to get fresh air and burn off energy then he will be naughty?

To be honest I think he IS a bit of a cunt. This man was happy enough to live off you for years, entered into the relationship knowing the state of play with your son and daughter (and pets) and now wants to give you ultimatums.

he's likely done his research & knows he's well placed to be quids in if they divorce?

After OP's updates it seems a likely outcome though, regardless of what he might have researched. It is not a good situation. It has turned into a completely different thread than what the opening post suggested.

divorce the sponging cocklodging dickhead.

seriously divorce him before he has any claim on your assets. And he can sort out his own right to stay in this country.

if your dd dropping by with her son is fine with you it’s fine.

you supported this cocklodger financially for five years he moved into your family home, your sons home. He has no say whatsoever in whether your children live in their home rent free or not or the frequency of their visits.

LTB, before he gets any right over your assets.

I agree; it sounds like you are doing a lot for others, OP, and no one considers you.

Sorry. I just wanted (fairly) unbiased advice about the current situation without painting him as a monster (which he actually isn't, it's just sounding like that now the full picture has emerged). We get along fine when it's just the 2 of us, but unfortunately it's not 'real life' much of the time (in my life at least)!

Yes, I will look into getting therapy, I feel that may help. Thank you.

No, I get that. I stand by earlier responses that having a toddler running around making noise when I was trying to work would drive me up the wall. However, you also say that you breathe easier when he's not there, and he's bossing you around. Communicating about that is essential. I hope you manage it.

Good luck.

Thank you ❤️

I have just read the whole thread and tbh I suspected something like this from the outset.

If you want to support your kids while they are in education, do it. I did. I have a 23 year old graduate at home, working in a temp job earning a bit more than minimum wage, while looking for a job in their field. I've never asked her for a penny. They went to uni away from home and it cost a lot of money to support them, no regrets. They did a foundation degree, followed by a 4 yr degree course, including a placement year, so 23 easily when graduating.

Eldest lived at home during primary degree, worked p/t, never asked for a penny either. Did a postgrad away from home, had a bursary, worked away for a couple of years, back home and paying a nominal amount, saving for a deposit for a house.

Youngest, 19, living at home, just started primary degree, working p/t, min wage, won't be age to contribute same as the other two. Maybe we are mugs, or maybe we just have our kids' best interests at heart. Elder two lived away from home for 4 years each.

I'm worried you've fallen for a guy who only ever wanted a visa... you supported him for YEARS and yet he now has the gall to complain that you want to support your son? WTAF?? You owe this guy NOTHING. He married you to get his visa, knowing your family circumstances, and now he wants to get between you and your children? Tell him to fuck right off! His subsidising your DS is minimal compared to what you have willingly shared with him!!

He may have a point re your DD and your DGS, but set in context, it's up to him to find a way to make WFH work for him, should it mean installing a pod in the garden. What mother would turn her daughter away when she needs her? I do think you DD needs to be supported to help herself more - that's no existence for a young woman. She needs to have independent support, and maybe get a job - did she also go to uni?

Take a step back. What would you advise a friend in your situation? Above all, do NOT let this man control you. I would be very wary that he's been playing a long game - attractive older woman with the means to support him.... who is even prepared to marry him to prevent him being deported... now he's in a job for a short term, and he's trying to dictate terms so far as your children are concerned - red flags galore... I hope it's not the case but looking from the outside in, I have my suspicions.

I hope you have protected your family home, and if you haven't, do whatever you can right now to do that, if possible.

We get along fine when it's just the 2 of us
But it's not like he found out after you were married that you had adult children, pets etc is it?
He assumed that he'd be able to gradually take over and get rid of the parts of your life that are inconvenient for him, he just had to keep you sweet until he's dug himself in and it's too hard for you to eject him

so it's worth all this, just a good shag?

well, yes, you're an adult, so that's your choice I guess, but if this expensive, inconvenient shag matters that much to you, that's your choice.

he doesn't sound like a monster but he clearly made a clever choice.

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.
Btw, that's definitely new 'go-to' word. Cocklodger. 😂