AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

This.

Your daughter seems to be taking the piss, actually. I totally understand where your husband is coming from. He's trying to work. I'd be going nuts. It's his home as well.

OP I think your set up is fairly normal in a working class family. Most people on MN are middle class where you give your adult children lots of money to help, but far less practical help.

I am with you re your son. I have a 23 yr old, and he has moved out recently, but there is no way we would have charged him a penny of rent when he was here.

But your daughter and grandson coming over most days sounds absolutely intolerable. She needs to stop being so co-dependent on you and you both need to consider someone is trying to work from home.

What you see as “practical help”

I see as allowing her adult daughter spending her days at her mothers house with her 2 year old son doing… very little. And then leaving at the end of the day without clearing up.

Whereas I would be encouraging my daughter to want a bit more from her days for both her and her son

I couldn’t cope with this if I was in your husbands position, I think you’re unreasonable to expect him to put up with it.
My nephew was in your husbands position. The marriage broke up because of it.

The additional info that your DH was funded by you and got to stay in this country because you married him, changes things quite a bit tbh.

the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'

You have been married for only a couple of years so I'm guessing he isn't the father of your adult children.

I have some sympathy for him, in that I would not be happy if DH invited screaming children into our joint home most days when I was trying to WFH, or even anytime really.

It doesn't sound as if your lifestyles are compatible. I wouldn't like my house to be loud and messy almost every day even if it were eventually tidied up each day. I sounds exhausting.

Like a PP, I wonder why two people with such different ideas for their life decided to get married.

Do you see a future together?

This.

All the pp’s commenting on noise.
What if they had a baby?
If he wants quiet he goes to the office or goes upstairs.

You cannot have a toddler running around the house like that if someone is working from home. Absolutely not.

Any toddler - even an NT one - would go nuts being cooped up in ONE ROOM all day ffs, I’m sorry but your DD needs to grow the fuck up.

OP, this might be a weird question for which I apologise. What does love mean to you?

All I hear is what other people need and how much this costs you in time and energy. You say you had to get married not we were married because we loved eachother which was good really because he was going to be deported. Your marriage has been phrased as an obligation not a voluntary agreement. It sounds like you give and give without boundary. When would your husband's attitude be too much FOR YOU? When would your daughter coming over be too much FOR YOU? What do you need?!

This is her adult daughter and toddler grandchild, invading their home most days of the week. Who the fuck keeps a toddler cooped in one room all day and expects silence?! Not normal nor helpful to the DD/GC, and she doesn’t fucking live there. Her DH does.

All the pp’s commenting on noise.
What if they had a baby?

They don’t though. The DGC has their own him so what is the relevance of this comment?

’Family life’ as I understand it isn’t having DGC at my house every day uninvited. When women post on here asking if they should do childcare the answer is a resounding ‘no, you don’t have to do anything’ yet they should be expected to have a high needs toddler imposed on them every day. It’s a hard pass from me.

How long does OP expect to hold it against him though? Presumably if he didn't have residency it was a case of not being able to work as opposed to not wanting to. He has been working for a year and in that time has contributed to the household that effectively houses 5 people.

Being kind here, why does your daughter come over daily? I think that’s quite a lot with a 2 year old especially with your DH working.

Exactly this.

He’s sick of seeing your kids take the piss, and inconvenience him in the process. Your daughter especially. I bet she just leaves everything to you when she’s there. Nearly every day is ridiculous, especially as you both work from home, she really is taking the piss.

You really are stuck in the middle OP.
With regard to your DS, if he is working, you could possibly ask him for a nominal monthly sum towards household expenses, and if you can afford it, gift it back to him at some point in the future.
With regard to your DD, it is more tricky. Any child is hard work aged 2, but if there is possible autism or ADHD it’s no wonder she needs extra support.
Has she looked at any support that may be available in the community?
Home Start perhaps, or look at your council website to see what is available for children with additional needs.

At the end of the day, your DH speaks as an adult without the experience of being a parent, and you OP, are their Mum. There is a big gap to negotiate here.

I can imagine that the background of funding him for 5 years perhaps makes you feel like you have a bit more agency over the house than he does hence your allow situation 1. This might make him in turn feel unhappy about situation 2 where actually he is totally wrong about that, especially given the background of your long term financial support.

I can’t help but wonder have hoi actually had a proper conversation about all this?

Do u both own the house or is it yours?

My dd has just gone to Uni. I love her and miss her and am happy when she comes home. Does that mean I would cope with her turning up everyday and talking and expecting lunch when we are working - absolutely not. Even without the toddler.

I am with your husband, poor man 😞

I don't hold it against him. I never have done.

Do you honestly think that allowing your DD to coop up her toddler in your living room for hours on end is, in anyway, helping?

Did you not discuss how life would be with your existing children when you got married? Or was he so desperate to stay that he just went ahead?

Not really. Expecting your adult children to respect that you're working and to clean up after their own kids isn't washing your hands of them, it's raising decent, polite people.