AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

I may be way off here, but ime, much younger partners can sometimes have a tendancy to be jealous of your adult children. There can be a bit of a dynamic where they see you as looking after them, and are resentful when this is shared with other people such as funding DS, cleaning up after DD. Just a thought.
Practically I think he's wrong about your DS. As long as you're financing him and not your H its nothing to do with him.
With regards to your DD though, he can't work with a screaming 2 year old in the house so I'd be meeting her at soft play or going to hers instead.

I’m not sure that you’re doing either your son or your daughter any favours in the long run. I’m inclined to agree with your husband.
However, some posters have made a fair point about the absence of a home/workplace divide and having to creep about when someone is on a work call or whatever.

I didn't include this on the initial post as I didn't want it to cloud anyone's judgement when offering advice. I could have just said " I married my bf after 5 years of keeping him financially so that he could stay in the country. He moved into my ready made, fully furnished home without having to pay a penny towards furnishings. I fed him and looked after him for 5 years, as well as 3 children. I worked 2 jobs. Then last year he found a wfh position. In the meantime, my dd relationship turned sour and she was left with a very demanding baby whilst juggling her own mental health problems. My DS was already in higher education when I met my DH and knew I was supporting him. Now he has decided it's fine to boss us all around, and also dislikes my animals who I have had for 11 years"
But I didn't. It sounds petty. Go back to my original post. Yes I called him a c**t but I was tired and angry and I'm not a saint, nor do I claim to be. I gave everyone the CURRENT state of play so they could give advice based on our current circumstances. I'm not trying to garner sympathy. I'm just hormonal, knackered and tbh, fucking annoyed with my lot in life.
Sorry. 😢

I don't blame him for not wanting commotion during the work day. Why can't you go to theirs? You could help her clean there instead of having to repeatedly clean up at yours.

You can support your son till he's 45 as far as I'm concerned, and it's none of your husband's business if you are using your own money. How dare he question your arrangement.

Overall, frankly, he sounds like a major asshole who married a woman with children and now is trying to erase their presence. How long have you been together? I hope you didn't add him to your house deeds or anything like that. I'd reconsider the relationship.

As long as you're financing him and not your H its nothing to do with him

Her dh is paying 50% of the household costs. There are 3 adults there. So he is financing the adult son.

Petty?

You've been supporting a domineering cocklodger for five years to the detriment of your own children and pets, no doubt and you think you are being petty to finally push back?

I mean this kindly but you could really benefit from counseling. Did his treatment of your daughter push her into a bad relationship/unplanned pregnancy because she was seeking refuge out of your house?

Get rid. Let him find someone else to help him get a visa.

I don't even know the answer to this 😢 thank you. I'll think about this until I reach an answer. Very helpful.

You’re an adult who chose to enter into a relationship with someone that you knew couldn’t work, and why they couldn’t work, and in what circumstances they’d be able to work.

Expecting a quiet home to work in is not unreasonable.

Expecting a 23YO who’s been funded through 5 years of Uni to contribute is not unreasonable.

All situations are untenable here tbh.

Your DD cannot keep coming to your house everyday, eventually she's going to have to sort herself out. I have a similar aged child and I get it, it's hard, but imposing on other people and their home on a daily basis is just taking the piss. When I'm overwhelmed (and have struggled with my MH in the past also) I do tell my mother and I do say will we go out for a cheapish day or I might go to her for lunch once a week with DD but that's it - and we tidy up before we leave. I'm with your DH on that one and I don't think he's unreasonable there.

Your son... Great he's going back into education but will he continue to work at the same time? If he is, then I agree with DH he should contribute something towards the house... If he's not working then I don't think he should pay up. At the same time... He is 23 so old enough to contribute. I'm half with DH here.

Where I differ, and maybe this is outside of his control, is the WFH situation. I really do think he should try add more office days - for both of your sakes. You need to be able to enjoy your home and he should also be able to enjoy his home... When he comes home.

I feel for both of you - starting a marriage in the roughest two years is hard, whatever the circumstances.

I agree with this.
Don't let this man stop you from doing what you want for your children OP. I have a feeling they'll be around for you longer than he will.

Now he has decided it's fine to boss us all around, and also dislikes my animals who I have had for 11 years
I know this script, the amiable floppy haired lad who'll do anything for you and is so good with the kids....
because he has to keep you sweet so he can get his feet under the table/visa/british passport, and then THE HEADMASTER emerges.
You're his benefactor/sugar mummy and now he thinks he can bite the hand that fed him

I certainly hope not, but who knows? She just met a drugged-up alcoholic knobhead a man and was pregnant within 2 months. It was a planned pregnancy apparently which makes it worse.

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry. I read your latest update and I don't want my previous comment to appear too harsh. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? It could be a combo of you being happy with your previous single-ish existence and doing what you want and now having to consider someone else - and also feeling like you've made so many accomodations without much thanks at all and too much push back. Did you picture this life differently?

I think therapy would be beneficial for you. I think maybe there's a lot put upon you with no outlet for you - I think trying to cutback on Dd's visits (frequency or time) would help. I understand you wanting to be there and be helpful but it's not helpful to her or DGS - and it also puts a hold on your life too.

So you divorce, and I assume go back to work full time in order to fund both your life and your adult DS, how do you then support your DD if you’re out at work all day?

If your DD is in a relationship like that, enabling her to stay in it is not going to help. Enabling her to check out of parenting/seeking appropriate support with her child is not going to help.

I agree with your DH here. One day a week maybe have a noisy toddler but otherwise, have a lunch break or whatever (seeing as you work for yourself) and go out somewhere with your daughter or visit her at her home.

Adult son should be contributing as soon as he’s working.

I’ve already commented but your update is a bit of a worry. Do you feel, deep down, that he was after a visa?

I wouldn't need to go back FT. I could just carry on as I am now, maybe with a few cut backs. The money was never an issue, I could afford to support myself and my kids without financial help. I did it for years. I don't want my son worrying about having to pay x amount per month whilst he's studying, just to prove a point. Fair enough, he could do it until he goes back in January I suppose

Op you need to click reply when replying to people otherwise your responses don't make sense.
A few people have asked why you don't go to your daughters house but I can't see you've responded.

Did this work? 😬

@rainbowandglitter ?

If you're trying to reply to my post then no it didn't work. Click the 3 dots on a post then click reply. Thats how the app works, not sure if it's the same on desktop.

Sorry should say click the 3 dots then 'quote'

Your update does make a difference. On your first post, I'd have said you need to go to your DD's house rather than her coming to your's. I couldn't wfh with a toddler in the house. As for your DS, yy whilst he's working, I'd have him contributing to the household finances.
But your 'DH' seemed perfectly happy for you to support him financially for years and may now be trying to create wedges between you and both of your DCs.
Have you added your DH to your deeds or is the house in your name only?

Has this worked?

Like this?