AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

attractive older woman with the means to support him
aka sugar mummy
and now he thinks he's the daddy....

Yes. I think it's been so gradual that I hadn't noticed it. My daughter has always said he's controlling me but i didn't really give it much headspace. Maybe I'm in too deep to see it. Food for thought.

There is a lot for you to think through. And I think you are putting across in your angle that there is something here that you hadn't foreseen, and maybe, you hastily got this marriage together and didn't see the pitfalls coming. I think you have come to the right place in MN to gather a spread of ideas and suggestions.

I think you are a kind and giving person. You nurture and facilitate people's success. You have chosen to mention that your husband is younger - in case it's relevant - posters think it relevant - and perhaps you realise it is. And it seems to me that maybe you nurture husband a bit like you do your children and grandchild. . You want people to self-actualise and you are a giver. You supported him to have the life he wanted, instead of going back home to where he didn't want to be. It's also possible that he might be slightly clueless, as to have not found a different way to be in this country legitimately, as plenty of people are here, somehow. Lacking natural assertiveness might make him compensate by speaking in a harsh and bitter way.

I wonder if you are aware of a clash in outlook. I don't know where hubby is from, and if that factor could affect his outlook, but you will have more idea. Has he got old-fashioned ideas about the man being head of the household? Is he trying to put himself above your kids? As he is younger than you, is he finding it hard to assert his voice and will against the adult children of yours, because he is like a younger man to your wise and experienced influence?

I don't know, but you think the age gap is worth mentioning. If he thinks that autism isn't a thing and kids with special needs are just naughty, and this because of the attitudes he adopted growing up and thinks are right, then you do have more of a problem. I'm not being bigoted here, it's just that I know people from other parts of the world who have up front told me that they believe autism is about God being angry with the family. I appreciate that view will differ from individual to individual who come from the same area.

He has benefitted from your open heart in marrying him so he wouldn't get deported - that is how you are putting the meaning across - by not dressing it up - but he doesn't want you to be all heart with your own offspring. So, basically, there sounds to be more to this than the issue you mention.

Either he is just being totally reasonable about wanting peace to get on with his work, or he is becoming less of a handsome stud ( possibly) and more of an arrogant controller.

In fairness to OP’s DH, he’s 38, so only 15 years older than one of the adult children, and I’m assuming OP’s DD is older than her DS, making OP’s DD and DH even closer in age. It would be hard for him to “parent” people who he has more of a sibling age gap with.

OP, you sound like a really beautiful person who loves her kids and gives them your all, but you are seemingly neglecting your DH’s feelings as a result.

I think you need to decide whether you truly want to be in a relationship with him, as your love for your children seems to be blinding you from seeing things from his perspective (this is not a criticism of you). It does seem as though your actions suggest that you love your DCs more than your DH, and he is perhaps jealous and resentful as a result, hence almost acting like the third child in order to get more love (in suggesting he will cease contributing, almost like he sees himself and your DS in direct competition for standing within the household and, ergo, also your love).

Regarding your DD, I strongly suggest that you get her to see her GP for counselling, or to go private to get help. If she is at the point where all she can do is run to mum each day and is suicidal, you helping her without her building her own foundations for change (building a support network with local mums and getting counselling), means that you are essentially putting a plaster on a knife in her leg that’s still bleeding.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

PS when you are replying to comments, your reply isn’t showing which comment you are replying to, so click “Quote” rather than “Reply” as for some reason when you click Reply on MN it doesn’t show who you are replying to.

Thank you, this is very enlightening. DH has said many times it's DD fault that DGS is as he is, as she is enabling his behaviour. He said where he comes from he would just be given a snack on the bottom. However, I disagree, and not just because he is my DGS. He is completely non-verbal and uses noises to communicate, which sometimes turn into 'screams' when he gets over excited or upset. He can repeat single words back to us. He does not recognize his own name, he's in his own world. He is being reviewed by several health agencies as he is quite severe.
Thanks for your post. I will re read it several times and absorb it.

Thank you ❤️

You do realise that just because you are typing in bold it does note mean that you are right. I don't get the pushback this poor woman is getting. She married her dh as he would have been deported otherwise. He is now telling her who can visit and at what time and for how long. Controlling much? The Op sounds very unhappy and stressed and if that were me I know who I would be showing the door. At least then she could live her life by her own choice. You can bet your bottom dollar who will be doing the shopping the housework and the cooking and it's not her Dh.

It's concerning OP, about the response to your gc special needs. This is not going to improve, as an attitude.

You are getting some good advice on this thread.

this really stuck out for me
"shits the house up and just leaves"
a very contemptuous way to speak about her, he could have just said she is makes the place untidy & doesnt clear up after herself, instead of implying that she contaminates the place.
Sounds as if he comes from a less modern/more patriarchal culture where men expect to be in charge, but he came here to benefit from being in a modern country, and now he wants you to submit to him as if you were in the country that he wanted to leave behind?

I am glad you are getting more compassionate, empathetic and helpful responses now OP.

@5128gap I may be way off here, but ime, much younger partners can sometimes have a tendancy to be jealous of your adult children.

I think you have the jealousy and power dynamics right, but suspect it's the other way around.

OP's adult children, who are used to having Mum all to themselves, pandering to their every whim, their entire lives, are having an extremely bad reaction to OP moving on and forming a relationship which actually meets some of her own adult needs.

So both children have essentially moved back into the nest, beaks open, me, me, me. They'll only be happy when they've run DH off and OP is devoting herself solely to them again.

I don't know.
OP is a great mum, but what she's doing for her children isn't particularly excessive in my world. Letting an adult child live rent free to save isn't an unusual thing to do, particularly in families where they haven't got the means to provide a lump sum handout to help with a house deposit. Also in my world it would be fairly normal for an adult daughter to see her mum every day for help and company when struggling with small children. Although she should certainly tidy up.
What is more unusual is for adult children to see their mum marry a man who for several years has to be financially supported by her, who may have other motives for the marriage and who has suddenly decided to start throwing his weight about. I'd be more than a little concerned if OP were my mum, and jealousy wouldn't be a factor.
Not that there's any evidence the OPs children have a problem. Unless I've missed something they are not complaining about her H, it's the other way round, so I'm not sure where you'd get that from.

Perfectly put @5128gap. I agree with everything you say.

Unless I've missed something they are not complaining about her H, it's the other way round, so I'm not sure where you'd get that from.

My daughter has always said he's controlling me

PP probably meant this from OP in an update yesterday.

You Dd comes over every day with her toddler son.

what do you do all day?

surely out for a walk in the morning to the playground or playgroup?

Back home for lunch, maybe a nap, wake up and play and then out for another walk.

this toddler sounds thoroughly bored and restless.

and surely nursery is on the horizon

Op

what is your DD like in her own home without you around? Is the house clean and tidy? Does she prepare good food for her son? Are you happy that he is well looked after when you’re not around?

I really feel for you, you are being pulled in 3 directions and pleasing no-one. And your needs and wants are the bottom of the pile. I know how hard this dynamic is, as my DH is not the father of my children, and when the children were living at home, we had clashes which I just couldn't resolve, because everyone seemed to be being reasonable, but I couldn't bear to see my DH and my kids clashing. For eg. my DD was very very messy, which my DH would call her out on. He was right. But she was also right when she said, it's my bedroom, it's nothing to do with you. I would bend over backwards to "solve" the issues and I just felt invisible as a person on my own right!

Anyway, my children are adults now and have both left home, and on the whole my DH and they now have a very good and balanced relationship.

Back to you. My thoughts, fwiw :

You need to set some ground rules with regards to your DD's visits. They sound extremely stressful for you, and not practical when you have your DH trying to concentrate on work. I would suggest you say to your DD that if your DH is working, that you will go to her house.

Re your adult son, I find it extremely hypocritical that your DH was quite happy for you to support him (him being a non blood relative of 38 years old), for FIVE whole years, but, when it comes to you suggesting that you support your own son (for a much shorter time period), that he kicks up a fuss. He may not want to pay half of the household bills, when there are 3 people living there, but fuck me, if I was him I would happily do that and see it as pay back, for the 5 years that you had financially supported me. Having said that, I hate arguments about money, so I would probably point out the above to him, so that he can reflect on how unfair he was being, but then I would pay for two thirds of the bills, whilst my son wasn't contributing. Even that's not fair on you really, because your son living there doesn't mean the mortgage/gas/electric cost more, so it's really only food, isn't it?

Finally, your post concerns me slightly that your DH could be using you as a way to be in the UK, and now you've married him you have exposed yourself financially and have also placed your children's inheritance at risk Have you made a will? If not, my very strong advice to you, would be to make an appointment with a solicitor asap. They can explain to you how you can protect your children in your will, so that if you dropped dead tomorrow, he can't touch your house (for eg). It will cost you under £300 and will be money well spent.

Op for any relationship to work there has to be compromise! It seems to me that your adult children and being incredibly selfish and you are supporting this selfishness! If you want everything on your terms then why bother being in a relationship at all? I have 4 dc and I couldn't think of anything worse than being expected to run around after a toddler dgc all day every day so for someone who is trying to work and isn't used to toddlers it must be incredibly frustrating. You need to reach a compromise that enables you to help your dd but also allows your dh to get the peace and quiet he needs to work. As for your ds, if he can't study and contribute financially can he make up for that by doing things around the house like cooking, cleaning, gardening etc? So at least he is contributing in some way. I have to admit if i was your dh there is no way I would stick around if i had to live like this.

Have you read all of OP posts?

He is well looked after in general. My dd is very depressed so the house isn't the cleanest or tidiest, but that's what happens with depressed people apparently.

Are you sure? How often do you go over there?

what do you, your dd and dgs do all day?

Thank you for taking time out to post all this. I will re read your post to take it in properly. Thanks again.

Did she work or study before having your grandson?

Are you sure she is depressed? And not just very bored and empty days spent all day at her mother’s with her son running around also bored?

Well I'm not certain, but she has said she feels suicidal in the recent past so I'm assuming she's depressed.
We take (either together or one of us) DGS to mums and tots in the morning, back here for lunch, and then on a 'usual' day they'll spend the rest of the day here, have dinner and go home around 6:30/7. Sometimes she'll go out, or have stuff to do, other times she doesn't.
My work is done on laptop so I can work from anywhere with a wifi connection.