Came across a post I wrote before our baby was born

[Raininginautumn]

I’m not necessarily looking for advice, I just need somewhere safe to share this.

Two years ago,I was eight months pregnant and excited for my new arrival. I came across a post I wrote in a little Facebook group I was part of, and obviously were all quite naive before we have our children.

I was going to return to work and would share the load with my partner, he was going to drop the baby off so I could get into work early and I would do the pick ups, as I finished a bit earlier. I really thought things would be equal.

Nearly two years down the line and that hasn’t happened. Somehow I’ve become almost the sole carer for our ds. I get up when ds wakes, I take him to nursery, if he wakes in the night (which to be fair isn’t a lot but I did have a good twelve months of utterly hellish sleep, or lack of it) it’s me who goes to him, I bath him and put him to bed.

It isn’t all bad. If you ask him to do something directly, he generally will, but I don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something, it’s just so much nicer when someone does something for you without prompting or asking. And sometimes you get the promise that he will but just doesn’t.

I am expecting another baby, all going well. Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more, if only because I can’t physically be in more than one place at a time, but then I thought he’d have to do more when I went back to work, and that didn’t happen.

I do feel a bit taken for granted, and if I’m honest I often feel a bit lonely too.

I’m so sorry. This is way more widespread than you think. Way more than people talk about. Depression in women is sky high, as is the use of anti depressants, especially in the child rearing years.

I have nothing to add except - you are not alone!

You both need to sit down and discuss this. Have you actually done this yet? Draw up a list of tasks and divide between the two of you.

Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more,

I’d be making that thought very explicit - he’s not stepped up with your first, there’s no reason to think he will with your second. I’d be having a conversation with him about how he sees things working, and being crystal clear about him needing to take a much more active role going forward, starting now will caring for his child while you’re pregnant.

@Wideawakeandconfused I have tried, and I don’t get anywhere. DH (rightly) says that I only need to ask, and this is true. What he doesn’t understand is that asking is work in itself. This morning, I did feel really tired and drained and thought about asking DH to take DS to nursery. Then I realised that DH wouldn’t know where the bag is, and what goes in it, and I’d need to sort all that and by the time I’ve done that I might as well take DS myself.

Unfortunately, I’ve learned talking doesn’t help. DH has a tendency to fixate on certain things and is very difficult to move on from one topic to another anyway, which is partly what is contributing to my loneliness.

Sounds like you are being manipulated by your husband so that he can be lazy. He should know how to pack the bag for nursery but it suits him fine not to know.

He doesn’t know, because he’s never done it. I don’t think that’s deliberate manipulation so much as a role I’ve fallen into.

He is lazy. It’s a characteristic of his that is there, certainly, and in some ways it makes him quite a nice person: laid back, easygoing, chilled - but is frustrating when so much of the work involved with a very small child falls onto me.

Well he needs to learn what goes in his son's bag for nursery. That is what a weekend is for. Get him to think that through himself. If you were hospitalised in this pregnancy right now, he would have to cope and do it. No one gave you an instruction book for your child, you learned, he can learn. Use that as a reason for him to learn now. By the way, there is something called weaponised incompetence, ie you would never leave them to do it because you are worried they won't do it well enough.

Can I recommend thatdarnchat on instagram? Laura is a Fair Play counsellor and talks about this. On her page she has Fair Play at the top, click through a couple of the slides until she talks, she talks about the whole just make me a list or tell me what to do and why that doesn't work for most people. As you said, it is your head that a task takes up room in, he then just gets to do it, ie he cooks a meal but you have had to plan that meal, make a shopping list and buy the food. Laura also talks about weaponised incompetence.

There is a Fair Play pack of cards where you can divide up tasks, everything from day to day to planning birthday gifts, writing Christmas cards. Lots of videos on YouTube of people reviewing them.

Stop being a martyr and a passenger and be more assertive. Go out and leave bath and bedtime to him. If it is hard then he should have learned to do this earlier. Dh had a very hands off Dad, I had a Dad who cared for us whilst my Mum worked evenings. Dh didn't want to be his Dad so from day one he was hands on. Men are completely capable and great at being Dads, some are just lazy arseholes. We need to stop setting the bar so low that somehow they are inherently shit because they are not. He has chosen to let you do it. Honestly. He sees what you do and cannot be arsed to do it himself. He needs to step up and actually parent. What does he think parenting is?

Why are you framing this as him doing or not doing things “for you”? He’s not stepping up for his son. Wtf doesn’t he know where the bag is? That’s just pathetic.

If you were ill and literally couldn’t get out of bed or were hospitalised what would happen, DS just wouldn’t get to nursery or wouldn’t have his stuff? Is he really that useless and if so are you not worried rather than a bit disappointed?

We only really know our children if we do their basic care, from changing nappies and dressing them to feeding them and liaising with childcare. He seems disinterested in spending time with and really engaging with his son, why?

You’re being very optimistic thinking anything will change with number two. He doesn’t want to and doesn’t have to do anything, if anything he knows what you’ll tolerate as he’s been getting away with it for this long.

Occasionally, I do go out and leave bath and bedtime to him.

I shouldn’t have to go out to do this, though - or are you suggesting that I should go out 3/4 times a week?

No one is trying to be a martyr or a passenger, but if I handed DH a pack of cards he would think I had lost my mind. I have also explained in my posts that I have spoken to him, but it doesn’t work. This is something that is consistent, in the end you have no choice but to give up.

Maybe instead agree a rota - on this day he does nursery run etc ? Then you're not asking, and he gets to know where things are and what to do. Don't overhelp.

And agree to alternate nights on bathtime and so on.

OP you need to be very clear with your DH around expectations
No he won't just step up IME
He'll leave you to it
He'll just sit back and it won't register with him AT ALL that he should be taking responsibility
I allowed this to happen
We're now separated (3 kids close together). Apparently I hadn't given HIM enough love and attention
I shit you not!!
So now I'm a single parent to 3
Don't be me OP

I have tried, and I don’t get anywhere. DH (rightly) says that I only need to ask, and this is true. What he doesn’t understand is that asking is work in itself. This morning, I did feel really tired and drained and thought about asking DH to take DS to nursery. Then I realised that DH wouldn’t know where the bag is, and what goes in it, and I’d need to sort all that and by the time I’ve done that I might as well take DS myself.

No, it's not 'rightly'. By saying this, he's saying the children are your job, and he's the assistant. And that's bollocks.

The way it works for us is that we have a schedule, and we stick to it. I know exactly what days I'm doing drop offs and/or pickups. They're split evenly between them. I know when I'm in the office, when I have the latitude to stay late.

And that then feeds through to all the other things. If you're doing drop off, then getting the bag ready and the child dressed is 100% your job. (It's utterly shameful that he couldn't do a basic thing like a nursery bag, by the way.)

This isn't going to happen naturally. If you wait for him to fill the gap, it won't be filled. You're going to have to be assertive: 'now we're having two, the thing where I am responsible for all child things and you wait to be asked isn't going to fly. Let's divide up the tasks fairly now.'

You say he's lazy, not malicious. But his laziness is making him selfish and unkind by putting all of this extra work on you. He needs to wake up to it and it sounds like you need to be really direct in tackling it. Ditto on going out: 'I'm out on Thursday night, won't be home until late.' Don't entertain any moans about how he doesn't know how to make dinner for children or how it's sooooo hard putting them to bed. You had to learn how, it's his turn now.

I think the problem is that after the conversation and after the rota and after the conversation again, then you’re not left with very much option wise. I think in my heart of hearts I know things won’t change.

What would you miss about him?

He is lazy. It’s a characteristic of his that is there

We're all lazy. We would all prefer to be watching TV or painting or reading or having a snooze. It's not something that's special to him. It's just that some of us are more interested in the harmonious running of our households than we are in sitting on our backsides, despite how tempting it is.

You need to change, OP. You're the one who is unhappy, and you're the one who needs to make it plain. This isn't going to happen to him unless you tell him straight that too much work is falling to you, and you're not going to continue.

I have spoken to him, but it doesn’t work

Do you still do his washing, cook his meals, and clean up after him?

Then I realised that DH wouldn’t know where the bag is, and what goes in it, and I’d need to sort all that and by the time I’ve done that I might as well take DS myself.

send him a text and tell him to keep it for reference as he needs to be taking ds to nursery to get used to doing this for when your not available

lust in the text the instructions and let him get on with it

Laundry is me. Meals - neither of us are brilliant eaters, I cook separately for ds, then we each tend to sort ourselves out. I do sometimes clean up after him, but then I am sure he sometimes cleans up after me … it is more that, as someone has said, the view that I am the carer and he is the assistant.

He isn’t a bad man. He has some very good qualities. But I was struck by how different things were from my expectations to how they actually are. Telling me I am the problem and I need to change isn’t helpful, though - sorry, but it isn’t. All it does is make me feel even more low.

So why have another baby ?

don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something

And that is what he believes - that you are coping - (being charitable) or want's you to think be believes (being cynical).

Given that you've not got a lot to lose I'm suggest having the conversation that if you split up would he be interested in 50/50 or would he be an absent parent as he is at the moment? Might either focus his mind on the fact that he is jointly responsible for his children or it might save you several years of coming to the same conclusion.

Because I want one, @America12 . That answer probably looks quite abrupt, and that isn’t the intention, but it really is as simple and as complicated as that.

So in nearly two years
He has never organised ds bag for nursery?
You did allow this to happen.
Just tell him to take ds to nursery
He goes With or without bag
Then he will learn what is needed
What is worst that will happen if ds goes to nursery without the bag ?
You could get rushed to hospital with pregnancy complications
Dh would have to manage
So leave dh to do it now
He will work oou. If he has a job he is not daft right ?

So small steps. Pack ds bag tonight showing him.

tell him he is taking ds to nursery as you need to get into work.

next time he can pack the bag himself. Then he can start doing drop offs more often.

If you're at breaking point with it, try a "come to Jesus" conversation about how you're considering leaving over it. But only if you are.

He's a lazy fuck and he needs to step up. That is not your fault.

I can tell him this, and he will explain he can’t because of a perfectly valid reason. As people have said, we (well, I, let’s be honest - I am wholly responsible for everything DH does NOT do, apparently!) have let this happen, and now the system is that I take DS to nursery and the days are set up around this.

Anyway, I think we’ve probably gone as far as we can, in terms of the thread. I know there probably are relationships where this advice would work, but it wouldn’t here. It would introduce bad feeling and tit for tat which is worse than the current setup.