Came across a post I wrote before our baby was born

[Raininginautumn]

I’m not necessarily looking for advice, I just need somewhere safe to share this.

Two years ago,I was eight months pregnant and excited for my new arrival. I came across a post I wrote in a little Facebook group I was part of, and obviously were all quite naive before we have our children.

I was going to return to work and would share the load with my partner, he was going to drop the baby off so I could get into work early and I would do the pick ups, as I finished a bit earlier. I really thought things would be equal.

Nearly two years down the line and that hasn’t happened. Somehow I’ve become almost the sole carer for our ds. I get up when ds wakes, I take him to nursery, if he wakes in the night (which to be fair isn’t a lot but I did have a good twelve months of utterly hellish sleep, or lack of it) it’s me who goes to him, I bath him and put him to bed.

It isn’t all bad. If you ask him to do something directly, he generally will, but I don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something, it’s just so much nicer when someone does something for you without prompting or asking. And sometimes you get the promise that he will but just doesn’t.

I am expecting another baby, all going well. Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more, if only because I can’t physically be in more than one place at a time, but then I thought he’d have to do more when I went back to work, and that didn’t happen.

I do feel a bit taken for granted, and if I’m honest I often feel a bit lonely too.

@Raininginautumn I think you think that I think you are not doing anything for him. That's not true at all and my apologies - I can see how that sounded!

My point is that you are doing all the parenting, and all the work and he is doing nothing and so how is this working for you as a couple? I'm not even talking about couple time. But yes, as you have said, feeling cared for is knowing that someone has your back. Takes on their share of the load. Notices you're struggling and steps up etc. And he's not doing that. YOU are doing plenty!

@America12 it would take a lot for me to end the marriage where children are involved, I know what DH is like, I know there is a fair to medium chance I will be looking after DS and a younger one too - but what does give me hope is that it is not forever and soon both DS and his brother or sister will be a bit more self sufficient.

Thanks, @GerbilsForever24

Routine is the only way to resolve this for a lot of people I think, you have to make it something that is regular and agreed so it's not something you need to be asking about/prompting every single time.

I'd start by booking DS into swimming/football/dance etc on a Saturday morning and it becoming DH's responsibility to get up with DS on Saturday and take him to that class.

Take that step, get it established, then look at nursery and how that works. I drop off everyday because I start later and my work is more unpredictable so difficult to have a hard finish time. DH starts and finishes earlier so does the pick up. There will be a balance but you might have to take steps towards it rather than make a massive change all at once.

We alternate bedtimes for a start. With 2 you could alternate who does which child then you can both do it if the other is ill for example. Alternate nursery as well. We usually either do pick up or drop off unless there's a reason we can't (one of us is working a long day for example).
Maybe frame it as it needs to happen to work with the new baby. Firstly there is a chance you might have to stay at the hospital so he needs to know how to do stuff with your older child. Then you'll be recovering so there will be a period where he needs to be the primary carer for the first child.

DH was always pretty good about either staying up late with the DC or getting up early with them, while I tended to do the middle of the night stuff. But one thing that drove me mad is that he was always annoyed at how "tired" I was. But of course, he always had that solid bit of 5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep. It wasn't enough always, but it was certainly better than my 2-3 hours, followed by 2-3 hours of being awake or half awake as baby settled then 2-3 hours.

I did consider once that perhaps I should just poke him awake every single time I woke up and then at regular intervals while I was awake, to see how he coped with the broken sleep but mostly decided to just accept that me not having to do the midnight feed or get up at 5:30 would have to suffice!

Maybe you should point out to your dh that he's being a rotten example to his ds, who will grow up thinking children and housework are women's work.

Parenting definitely gets less intense and all-consuming. But I would very gently warn that when they leave nursery and start school the logistics get much, much tougher. It's less about who's wiping bottoms and changing nappies and doing night wakings and more about who's going to the special assembly, is supporting homework, has booked the holiday club, has paid for the after school activity, has worked out how to get them from activity A to activity B, facilitating their social lives, remembering which kit and which books and which shoes and oh god it's world book day/special assembly/whatever. We both work full time and mine don't do nearly as much extra-curricular stuff as some kids do, but it's still a lot.

Parenting is lower key with school age children. They can entertain themselves and do a decent amount of self-care. They're amazing fun. But the logistics do make me nostalgic for the incredibly straightforward nursery days sometimes...

I know you've had some uncomfortably straightforward talking on this thread, but you do sound so incredibly sad. And I feel so sad that you're in a relationship with a partner who wouldn't be open to an honest conversation about how he could be a better parent and partner.

this is awful! you need to say something!! it won't just get better - why can't you talk to him about it?

My husband & I sat down and made a schedule - for example - I do all drop offs and pick ups (Nursery near my work) every morning I have work an nursery - he gets her up and gives her breakfast and gets her dressed while I shower and he sends us out the door and then he has an hour to himself before he starts work.

We alternate each night doing bath & bed (the other one of us is usually sorting our dinner during this time)

Weekends we get a lie in each unless we have a day out planned together

I couldn't cope otherwise

This is not fair on you at all

@JassyRadlett it does seep into aspects after nursery age. I think we may have to look into private school and one - though not the only - reason is because of the wraparound care on offer: I just won’t be able to rely on DH.

@MsMarch i remember those days … so relishing it again - one of the challenges with DS was DH WFH and crashing around constantly during the day. I felt to relax with DS I had to leave the house which of course involved walking. So we walked - a lot!

I do think you need to be less passive. You don't have to change the world, but making it clear that he has got away with no nursery runs for way too long and it has to stop is a simple, albeit stressful, conversation. If you need to write a list for him of what this entails, so be it.

it does seep into aspects after nursery age. I think we may have to look into private school and one - though not the only - reason is because of the wraparound care on offer: I just won’t be able to rely on DH.

I think you need to reframe this to what it really is - not that you can't rely on him, it's that your kids can't rely on their own father, and can only rely on you.

That's an awful message to send to kids.

Hi OP. Apologies, I haven't read every single response although I have read your posts and many others. I just wanted to say you are far from being alone in your situation. My DCs are teenagers now and we were in exactly your situation for years really.

It's very hard with tiny ones. I, like you, fell into the 'main parent' role and it just snowballed really. I guess I was on maternity and he was at work, so I obviously did everything in the house. But that then followed into weekends etc. I then had a 2nd baby so, again, was the one at home. My DH is a fantastic man, but yes, he did need telling what to do. I didn't have a clue how to care for this tiny creature who came into our lives and turned it upside down so had a steep learning curve(like we all do) and got on with it. He didn't need to do that himself because I'd figured it out and told him. It doesn't make him lazy, it just is what it is.

Life with teens is a different kind of parenting with all the stresses that come with it, but generally life is much, much easier. You're just going through the really hard years at the moment and feel you've lost your identity a bit probably (hope I'm not putting words into your mouth there, it's just how I felt) whilst his life is pretty much the same as ever. Who'd blame you for feeling resentment, I definitely did. This, on top of the absolute exhaustion that lack of sleep causes, can rightly make you angry at him. I don't have an easy solution, in the end I stopped working (MN will hate me for that) and I felt I had less on my plate and didn't have as much anger. Cut yourself some slack, you sound like you're doing a great job, I'm sure your husband is a good man, parenting is hard and there is no manual. Things will get easier eventually x

This. With bells on.

I really haven’t @GerbilsForever24 , but when you’ve talked and when you’ve explained and when you’ve said and when you’ve talked again, there is nothing else.

@Shecrazy , that’s largely what happened here too.

I would start with one thing, like nursery drop-off. Agree in advance that he’s doing it, then leave him to it. Presumably if he wants to go to work he’ll have to. Don’t worry about the bag - he might mess it up a few times but nursery will set him straight (make sure they have his number!). Then take it from there. The next thing could be agreeing that once baby is here, he will get up with ds overnight/in the morning. You might have to nudge him or put a monitor by his head to make it happen.

Dont see it as tit for tat because it’s not, it’s just that some things are not your responsibility. I have been through this with my dh and I did have to ‘train’ him to an extent. I also said that if he wanted an old-fashioned marriage I was happy to give up work and do everything at home, but if we were both working we both needed to do house stuff.

but when you’ve talked and when you’ve explained and when you’ve said and when you’ve talked again, there is nothing else

Then you leave yourself with 2 choices: leave, or be happy with things staying the same.

Unless you want to commit to complaining about a problem you can't solve. How do you want to live your life? Bitter and pissed off? Or valiantly taking responsibility for doing what needs to be done because nobody else is going to do it? Which person do you want to be, having already decided that you're not a person whose feelings are respected, or whose thoughts are taken on board?

YOu've said you've talked but in general terms. What happens when you say, "you need to do nursery run"? Does he just say, "No".

We had an issue a few years ago where I was so frustrated, so resentful and struggling so much that eventually, after I found myself sobbing on DS' teacher's shoulder, I wrote DH a letter. I told him that talking wasn't going to work because that just made me angry and upset and him defensive but this was a huge issue because I was being left to handle everything for DS and as I work full time AND do all the cooking etc, the person who was suffering was DS because I just didn't have time to help him with homework, or ensure he was in bed on time or any of the routines he needed because of his additional needs.

It didn't solve everything but it did help. The letter took the emotion out and allowed DH to read and think about his part in things separately. And THEN we talked about how to split things better.

Not really, as I am closer to nursery than DH, as in it would be totally impractical for DH to return to put nappies in.

I do appreciate the advice. But things are unlikely to change and to be honest even if they did I don’t want DH to be doing nursery drop offs for-the-sake-of-it, especially when that just leads to additional stress for me.

Have you heard about the mental load OP? It's a concept that describes a lot of what you're talking about, read this cartoon (or show it to DH) english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

No @GerbilsForever24 . He always agrees then doesn’t.

My mother’s generation used to talk about ‘training’ their husbands and the men used to have jokes about ‘she’s got you well trained’. And it was all about perfectly ordinary things that showed you were a team and appreciated each other. He needs to shift from ‘helping’ you to pulling his weight equally.
Your husband obviously thinks he lives in a 50s time warp, so maybe you could make a 12 month training program of where you would like to be. Break it into 3 month chunks so you can measure progress.
Any pushback from him just ask him why he thinks you should do it.
Have some stock phrases ready so you are not exhausting yourself talking about it.
Practice saying them. Don’t budge. You are not his support human.

But that's the thing. You're enabling his incompetence and selfishness. How does he just not do drop offs, if he's agreed to do it?

Does he just get up on the day you've agreed to do it and say 'actually, busy today, you'll need to drop them off after all?'

What happens if you say 'actually, no, I'm just out the door myself, got an early call, can't help you out today I'm afraid.'

What happens if you say 'you forgot nappies, I've got back to back meetings, you need to sort this'?

I'll go against the flow and say You Need To Tell Him.
Show him what goes in the bag and get him to take DS to nursery.
You're the boss here, and you need to delegate to your deputy-boss.

How pregnant are you OP? I had insomnia and carpal tunnel and pelvic pain in the last trimester of my second pregnancy. DH used to take DD out at the weekend on trips to museums and things, it helped him to suss out more of the stuff that needed doing (packing snacks etc).

Could you get DH to start taking your DC out? The reality of a toddler and a baby is that someone needs to get the toddler running around outdoors and it's probably not the one stuck under a baby. If he starts now, they'll have a nice little routine built up by the time the baby comes.

I'd address the domestic stuff by making a chart of what you do in a week and what he does. How much sleep and how much leisure do you both get? To a certain extent it is on you if you've accepted that mornings and bedtimes and baths etc all falls on you. I'd start making changes.