Came across a post I wrote before our baby was born

[Raininginautumn]

I’m not necessarily looking for advice, I just need somewhere safe to share this.

Two years ago,I was eight months pregnant and excited for my new arrival. I came across a post I wrote in a little Facebook group I was part of, and obviously were all quite naive before we have our children.

I was going to return to work and would share the load with my partner, he was going to drop the baby off so I could get into work early and I would do the pick ups, as I finished a bit earlier. I really thought things would be equal.

Nearly two years down the line and that hasn’t happened. Somehow I’ve become almost the sole carer for our ds. I get up when ds wakes, I take him to nursery, if he wakes in the night (which to be fair isn’t a lot but I did have a good twelve months of utterly hellish sleep, or lack of it) it’s me who goes to him, I bath him and put him to bed.

It isn’t all bad. If you ask him to do something directly, he generally will, but I don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something, it’s just so much nicer when someone does something for you without prompting or asking. And sometimes you get the promise that he will but just doesn’t.

I am expecting another baby, all going well. Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more, if only because I can’t physically be in more than one place at a time, but then I thought he’d have to do more when I went back to work, and that didn’t happen.

I do feel a bit taken for granted, and if I’m honest I often feel a bit lonely too.

TBF OP, it takes about 10 minutes to learn what goes in a nursery bag and have a quick practice of doing it.

@Jux this cartoon is bloody brilliant, thanks for posting!

I know there probably are relationships where this advice would work, but it wouldn’t here. It would introduce bad feeling and tit for tat which is worse than the current setup.

What're you afraid of @Raininginautumn ? And you asking for (permanent) help shouldn't result in a 'tat' from him, but (an apology and) help.

As a PP said, you could remind him that he said if you need help you can just ask him. Then say that you're asking for help and the help you need is ongoing.

I don't see how this is going to work with another child. I think you will get even more (understandably) resentful.

Then I'm sorry but you're just going to have to carry on as you are with two rather than one.

Personally, I'd rather do that completely on my own than seethe with resentment knowing he's leaving it all to me

@YankeeDad
Speaking in generalities, men like to feel needed and appreciated by the women they love. Starting a conversation with ‘I really need your help with this’ , if it gets the result of the man taking ownership, and then expressing appreciation in some way after does it, can be effective in getting different behaviour.

Are you being serious? So, basically, treat him like another child?

FGS!

I get it you have tried and you are feeling sad/lonely/frustrated but there are lots of people offering you good advice here and you are closing it down. Someone said about writing a list for the bag and you say that’s work. Yes it is but one bit of work that will last forever or until the list needs changed, your DH could pack many bags from your one list.
Nudging him to get him up. Sure he will groan and moan and you will be wide awake but like a massive child of you get up then he gets his way. Lie in bed, read, flick through your phone. The more you make him do this then eventually it will become normal and you won’t be woken up. The nursery call you, don’t answer he will soon remember to put the nappies in the bag when they start calling him at work.
I think you are scunnered and it all feels quite hopeless and pointless. That’s understandable but as so many have said if you don’t start making changes he won’t either. I do also think you need to let go. Nothing bad will happen to your child if they are short on nappies, don’t have a change of clothes, are left a little longer waiting to get up because DH is going slowly.

We can agree to disagree on this one, because I do not believe that making a man (or a woman) feel needed and appreciated constitutes treating them as a child. If they actually are needed and appreciated then I would call that treating them with kindness and sincerity.

The opposite of what I suggest would be to treat a person as useless and taken- for-granted. I will assume that is not what you would suggest...

I'm going to bet that OP doesn't get praised and coddled along for parenting her kid and doing the housework.

Exactly!

I am sure that you are right!

And, that does not mean that most men are not motivated by feeling appreciated. Is it unfair that most men do not express appreciation for this, you bet! I personally think that most relationships would be improved if both partners expressed more appreciation to one another.

But pragmatically, the unfairness of "having to" express appreciation to get behaviour chance seems less unfair to me than the unfairness of having to do all of the drudgery while the guy does little to none of it. But maybe that is just me. Coddling, I would avoid, except maybe when the guy is extremely unwell.

I suppose if OP wants help from this thread to accept that the situation will never change, and has already tried everything including what I wrote, then my advice will not help her anyway, and she will justifiably ignore it.

To be honest, having to give head-pats and cookies to get him to do his share, would sicken me quite quickly.

OP, why would you not consider terminating the pregnancy, unless you've gone past the legal maximum date?

I know you said you 'want another child', but isn't it selfish bringing another child in the world to satisfy your hormones and biological need....knowing how uninvolved, unloving, uncaring, and lazy your partner is towards his existing child?

I get why you had one...you didn't know your DH would be this lazy and selfish.

But you are going into this second pregnancy in full knowledge now. No excuses. Do you know what pain that causes a child, to have such an uninvolved and unloving father? I do, and it's not something I would wish on anyone.

Also, what if your 2nd DC is born with disabilities? How will you cope? Virtually being like a single parent, possibly having to give up career/financial autonomy and relying on DH financially? If your DH is this lazy whilst you're working, imagine how lazy and bordering abusive he'll become if he holds all the cards financially, whilst you become a carer/sahp to disabled child?

If you're not ready to leave DH yet, at least don't go one to have another child with him. Stick to one, and move closer to your family if possible, get help from them if they can help, and hire as much help as you can afford, cleaner, nanny, etc.

You're right you're DH will never change. I wouldn't even bother trying any of the suggestions. He's just so unloving and uncaring, that's why you feel lonely OP.

I get you're not ready to leave yet. It's daunting with a small child in tow. You probably will be by the time your DC is a teen. So in the interim, you'll have to adapt.

You'll get stronger in time, and things will get better. Remember: You are the master of your own destiny.

Just tell him "This is how we're dividing it up" and then don't do anything at all for his tasks, say it's up to him. The first time he forgets to pick up your child from nursery, he'll have to pay the extra fees and sort it out. If he doesn't TAKE the child to nursery, then he'll have to stay off work to deal with it.

Bet you he won't do that a second time, and will teach himself how to do things like "find a nursery bag". How ridiculous that a fully grown adult pretends he can't do that without your help...

Yes, head pats and cookies are sickening. I remezmber my mum saying I just 'managed' dh badly, which sent me into a rant about how I had expected him to behave like an adult not a toddler and I had no intention of managing him.

We did nearly divorce, I was so close to leaving him after a couple of years of trying, and failing, to get him to step up after dd was born. In the end I told him if we didn't get counselling or something, if nothing changed, then I'd leave and I expected him to arrange the counselling. Which he did. And it was vaguely helpful but oh he was a manipulative bastard!

By that time I was so ill that I knew I couldn't manage anything alone, so I stayed. We did move away from what I saw as utterly malign influences. 150 miles, and he was not really the type tomake much effort to keep in touch for its own sake, he always had to have an additional reason to go near our old stamping ground, and those reasons dried up the longer we were away.

TBH Ion't know what changed him. Maybe he heard me talking to a friend? Anyway, he did start behaving more like a normal human being. He became more helpful, more aware, he listens more, heconsiders things more.

It's taken years and years. I found myself giving him cookies and headpats some years ago now and he gives them to me! I always gave them to dd, so thank goodness something was normal!

I don't recommend this btw. It's been a ridiculous journey and taken so much out of me which could have been spent on other things. It's been stressful and upsetting, and exhausting. And now he really has taken almost all responsibility for anything from me as I have become more and more debilitated by ms! And even now I don't know whether it was really worth it.

His behaviour is not your fault but fundamentally the only person that can change it is him.
and he won’t because there’s no need to when you do everything

he won’t make his own life more difficult in order to make yours easier because he’s lazy and selfish