Came across a post I wrote before our baby was born

[Raininginautumn]

I’m not necessarily looking for advice, I just need somewhere safe to share this.

Two years ago,I was eight months pregnant and excited for my new arrival. I came across a post I wrote in a little Facebook group I was part of, and obviously were all quite naive before we have our children.

I was going to return to work and would share the load with my partner, he was going to drop the baby off so I could get into work early and I would do the pick ups, as I finished a bit earlier. I really thought things would be equal.

Nearly two years down the line and that hasn’t happened. Somehow I’ve become almost the sole carer for our ds. I get up when ds wakes, I take him to nursery, if he wakes in the night (which to be fair isn’t a lot but I did have a good twelve months of utterly hellish sleep, or lack of it) it’s me who goes to him, I bath him and put him to bed.

It isn’t all bad. If you ask him to do something directly, he generally will, but I don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something, it’s just so much nicer when someone does something for you without prompting or asking. And sometimes you get the promise that he will but just doesn’t.

I am expecting another baby, all going well. Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more, if only because I can’t physically be in more than one place at a time, but then I thought he’d have to do more when I went back to work, and that didn’t happen.

I do feel a bit taken for granted, and if I’m honest I often feel a bit lonely too.

It is hugely frustrating talking and talking and nothing changing, but surely if he bore the consequences of not doing something, in the end he would do it? Do you need to let him feel a little bit of that inconvenience?

Okay. I'm really sorry Raingingautumn, but what is going to happen then is you are going to continue to live like this. You will get more and more resentful and will start to act more and more as a single parent.

At some point, he will start complaining to you about a lack of intimacy or that you're never interested in him. He'll probably then also start taking up new hobbies, spending more time at work or absenting himself further. Possibly he'll have an affair.

Because the reality is that you seem to be portraying this as a problem of a lazy but nice husband. And it's not. It's a situation where your husband is NOT a very nice person. He is unreliable and flakey, and truly appears to believe that the only person whose needs and wants should be prioritised are his own. And you will twist yourself into pretzels because as the needs increase, his refusal will become more active. Currently, he gets away with it by being passive aggressive and just not doing it. But in 5 years, when one child has to go to school and one to nursery and you can't cope with it, he will be very clear and actually say NO. He will tell you he can't because of work or because he earns all the money or because he doesn't know what to do. And you will be left explaining to at least one school, and your boss, why everyone is late. If you're even working. More likely you'll find yourself giving up work because it's easier. And he will be happy with that because then you are even less likely to leave AND he can even more justify why he can't do the cooking or the cleaning or the laundry or the childcare.

I hope I'm wrong. But I don't think I am. He is a dick - you just haven't seen it yet.

I am enabling it because the alternative is for DS to be disadvantaged, and I do think that is a line I won’t cross. The thread is taking on a bit of a circular pattern: people don’t seem to realise that the things they are pushing are things I tried for months before realising I was not getting anywhere and thus gave up.

No, it's because we know it will get worse, as per my last post.

But I do understand you can't just magically fix things after one MN post.

Well no, indeed.

This happened to me too OP, and it's the reason that I am not having any more children, even though I would have liked to.

Before DS was born I told my work that DP would take the majority, or at least half, of the childcare load so that I could return fulltime. I do all the wake ups and bedtimes, all the meals, he just sits on his arse in the evening watching TV while I go upstairs and work. He has him one day a week and I need to pack the bags and wait as they leave the house to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything. It's truly pathetic.

Can you implement a regular weekend day activity that your DH is responsible for OP? At least you would have a bit of a break? Then you can look at building from there?

My own dad is a very nice person. But he was always very clear growing up that his needs and priorities were more important than anyone else's. We were to fit in with him, not the other way around. He was available to us only in a way that was convenient to him.

When he was an hour late to pick me up from an activity, because my mother was in hospital or away or whatever, I didn't blame her. I blamed him, for showing with his actions that he didn't care very much and that my needs were less important than his. When I couldn't go to a party because he didn't want to take me and my mother was tied up with my siblings, I'd didn't blame her, I blamed him.

It took years in adulthood for us to repair our relationship. He was a nice man, not abusive, and truly did and does love us all deeply. But his actions were deeply wounding.

Tell him you are taking it in turns from now on. Keep telling him until it goes in. If he doesn't get up and take your child to nursery, he'll be looking after him. Not your problem. Laundry not done? Not your problem. No spoons because he didn't wash up last night? Not your problem.

If you don't change this now you'll be doing all the work childcare for two children, because why on earth would he change if he doesn't have to? There is absolutely no way he's going to 'step up'.

I think this happens a lot to be fair.Your DH (like many men) and you have fallen into a "Mum" and Dad where "Mum" does the lions share and Dad doesnt /wont realise how much there is to do .You have done nothing wrong and you dont need to think you have .You could say to him you will need more help with DC2 arriving .this is a perfect time for this chat.Did his Mum work at all? He may have seen his Dad working and Mum home and thought this is what happens.

I think this is 100% true. I actually had completely the opposite experience - my dad was 100% reliable, far more so than my mother, and while he did have a few things that were inviolate - his sport activity twice a week - even that would be abandoned if we needed something that was genuinely more important.

My mother on the other hand was flakey and unreliable. She loved us. But she was lazy and things like forgetting to pick us up, or doing so late. Or not doing the things she said she would do was a huge issue. All of us struggled with our relationship with her in adulthood as a result.

Like @dottiedodah says - the new baby is the time for you to change things.

One thing that comes out for me is that you sound beat down - like you've talked and talked but nothing changes. What happens if you lose your temper? So, he takes Ds to nursery but forgets the nappies. If you were to get annoyed about it, and snappy with him, what would happen? Because you sound sad about it rather than cross and I can't work out if that's just because you're so exhausted by it all or because he's trained you so that you can't ever get cross with him.

So you’re not happy with how things are but I’m afraid things aren’t going to change. You may live in hope that 2nd baby will make him step up but you only need to look at a few threads on here to see that won’t happen.
I understand you don’t want your child to be disadvantaged short term but long term this is going to be much more damaging, they are learning that they can’t rely on dad and that parenting is “women’s work”. I’d rather send my child to nursery without a bag a few times than have them take on board those messages.

Explain to me why you should have to ask.
He is the one who has YOU trained. This leapt out at me:
DH (rightly) says that I only need to ask, and this is true.
You are both very wrong here, he should be thinking as well. As this is not the case, you need to divide up the jobs, like you are housemates, and you need to stick to it. You are bearing all the mental load. It's a hard habit to get out of once you are in it, but once you notice you are doing it, you notice it all the time.

@Raininginautumn why do you think that he’s right and you have to ask?

does he have some kind of SEN/cognitive impairment?
what does he do for work? Is it a role where he only functions if following explicit instructions from someone else?

if not then there’s no reason why you have to walk except that you’re married to a lazy man who doesn’t care that you’re pulling all the weight, and who wants to opt out of any parenting/domestic responsibility and doesn’t care about the impact on you

Honestly? I think you’ve decided you want another baby despite him giving no signs of being a good parent or supportive partner, he’s not going to change and you’re going to have to just suck it up. Might sound harsh but your option for an easier life with less of the parenting load was to stop at one child, and you’ve decided not to take it.

Start by sharing bath and bedtime for your DS more equally. If you’re expecting another, then your DS needs to be confident in Daddy putting him to bed. It’s really important. Start there.

I’m in the exact same boat so I understand. You talk, it gets better for a while and then you revert to the previous status quo - you’re the primary caregiver and your partner is essentially your assistant.

I think maternity leave is to blame for this. A period of 12 months where the mother does most of the childcare and the pattern is established. It’s hard to break away from. If we have a second child, we’ve agreed we will be doing shared parental, even though it’s less time for me at home with baby.

We're in a similar position, and have just had another baby too, so one nearly three year old and a five week old.

Like you I've tried talking about the division of domestic labour many, many times, and think it comes down to standards in some case. His level of expectation for lots of things (cleaning, cooking, how appropriately our daughter is dressed) is lower than mine, so like lots of others I end up taking more on so it does fit my standard. Sometimes that is my issue but sometimes he does just need to do it better.

Since the new baby we've had to do things differently. I had a difficult pregnancy and had to be hospitalised three times in the run up to birth, meaning he had to do all the childcare for our daughter. I'm sure she ate more fish fingers than usual, but she survived and she's happy. It also gave me a bit of perspective on what's important. Now we have a newborn he has to get the nursery bag ready in the morning as I just don't have time in these early days. He's also on bath and bed duty pretty much every night, but he'd always done his fair share of that. How are you planning on handling things when the new baby is here?

I do think there are some jobs/tasks that are easily split up - drop offs, bath time, bed time etc. and help build solid relationships with children too. I'd really try and split those evenly between you.

*if not then there’s no reason why you have to ask

Well if he won't step up when you try to leave some of the responsibilities to him then in my opinion he is very selfish and clearly happy for you to run yourself into ground with working and being a full time mum.

As some others have suggested, perhaps the only way is to start giving him more responsibilities very gradually one thing at a time until it becomes habit and you don't have to ask or remind him. Like on certain days, he does the cooking or bedtime routine. It really shouldn't be so hard though. Assume he grew up in a household where his own dad didn't lift a finger?

What would he say if you threatened to give up work? I know you don't want to but just say you are considering it as the burden of working and doing all the childcare etc at home is too much and something has to give. Might make him think?

You are coming across a bit of martyr tbh. So what if the laundry doesn't get done? Or the bathroom is over due for a clean? Or the nursery bag isn't packed properly - they will have spares. The world will keep turning and DH will learn that the magic fairy doesn't do it all. If you really think your DS would be disadvantaged just because you put his dad in charge sometimes then really, why are you with this man child?

I think it's easy to get into bad habits, and harder to change them if you're physically there and willing to intervene. Are there any pregnancy classes you want to go to? Ironically I can't go to pregnancy yoga as DP isn't back on time the day it's on locally, but something like that? Then you're out the house for a reason that's not "tit for tat" and DH has to work out a tea/bath/bed routine that works for the two of them.

No he isn’t rightly telling you you only need to ask, he’s making it your problem and your responsibility
would you say DH you only need to ask me if you want any of yours or the babys clothes washed or dinner cooked? Does he open the fridge to find it empty and you say but DH if you wanted me to buy food you only had to ask! Or do you just do these things? or even better does he just figure out how to do these things himself?

so I don’t understand why he can’t figure things out with the baby.

fixating is handy too isn’t it, his ignorance and then making it difficult to talk about forces you to just get on with it all yourself.

you need to talk to him, walk him through all the jobs once if you like, he can take notes, then he needs to do stuff himself and face consequences too.
is there any reason he can’t take DS to nursery? He can get him ready and pack his bag too then, and if he messes up he’ll need to be the one that goes back to nursery to sort it.

I absolutely would be putting my foot down.
DH I don’t give a shit what you think, I’m doing more of the parenting (and presumably more housework) and I can’t do it, you need to step up.
tell him you’re lonely too, if he doesn’t care then that tells you a lot

By the time we got three very busy children we actually split jobs up. Eg. He does laundry. All of it. You cook and shop. He tidies and dishwasher

I think maternity leave is to blame for this. A period of 12 months where the mother does most of the childcare and the pattern is established. It’s hard to break away from. If we have a second child, we’ve agreed we will be doing shared parental, even though it’s less time for me at home with baby.

This is very true. We did shared parental leave with both ours - first because we needed my salary more than his and I couldn't afford more than 6 months, and second because it was actually brilliant for us as a family. And breaking the 'mother is the parent who's in charge of all the kid stuff' was such a huge benefit.