Came across a post I wrote before our baby was born

[Raininginautumn]

I’m not necessarily looking for advice, I just need somewhere safe to share this.

Two years ago,I was eight months pregnant and excited for my new arrival. I came across a post I wrote in a little Facebook group I was part of, and obviously were all quite naive before we have our children.

I was going to return to work and would share the load with my partner, he was going to drop the baby off so I could get into work early and I would do the pick ups, as I finished a bit earlier. I really thought things would be equal.

Nearly two years down the line and that hasn’t happened. Somehow I’ve become almost the sole carer for our ds. I get up when ds wakes, I take him to nursery, if he wakes in the night (which to be fair isn’t a lot but I did have a good twelve months of utterly hellish sleep, or lack of it) it’s me who goes to him, I bath him and put him to bed.

It isn’t all bad. If you ask him to do something directly, he generally will, but I don’t like asking. It makes me feel like I’m not coping, or something, it’s just so much nicer when someone does something for you without prompting or asking. And sometimes you get the promise that he will but just doesn’t.

I am expecting another baby, all going well. Part of me thinks DH is going to HAVE to do more, if only because I can’t physically be in more than one place at a time, but then I thought he’d have to do more when I went back to work, and that didn’t happen.

I do feel a bit taken for granted, and if I’m honest I often feel a bit lonely too.

We fell into these roles too because my husband was in the military and therefore often away. When he got home he didn't know how to do a lot of these things at all and it took time for him to learn. It was frustrating not stepping in to just do things for him and it meant that things were done a different way to the way I'd do them but he is now able to parent fully. I think you just have to be very clear that if he does not do something it will not get done then push through the discomfort to follow through.

It feels like you’re saying things are bad
I am unhappy and lonely
I’ve spoke to dh and he doesn’t want to change
and I don’t want to leave him. I’m not willing to try again. So I’m just going to behave and be lonely and sad. I’m just here to tell you all how lonely and sad I am.

of course pp are frustrated on your behalf.

Also I think taking in turns and rotas rarely work out well, it's too easy for it slide back to one parent doing the lion's share. We have always had jobs that each of us tend to do, then some other things are shared depending on work schedules such as bedtimes, school drop off, laundry...

I think this is a very naive look at what life actually looks like with very small children. If DH doesn’t get up then I still have two hours minimum of dealing with a small child, then DH gets up, takes him to nursery (minus items he needs) goes to work, then nursery call me for nappies - and if I say to call DH, they are waiting for two hours for him to get back.

It just isn’t practical for people to present these scenarios as if they are just a question of me refusing to do what I’ve been doing. If DH has no spoon then he washes a spoon. It won’t teach him a life lesson.

@TheUsualChaos i don’t think I am a martyr so much as trying to talk to people. If you can’t manage to respond to me without telling me how I ‘come across’ (and realising what that does to my already crap self worth) please do me a favour and leave it.

@Anna783426 we haven’t spoken yet but I imagine what we discuss around what happens and what will actually happen will differ. I think the early days are a blur but beyond that - who knows.

@Shoesshoesshoess - totally.

I’m not taking responsibility for people getting ‘frustrated’ @Frostycarrot .

How odd to get frustrated because a stranger has spoken to her husband and nothing has changed

To make it really simple for him could you put a list of things to go in the nursery bag - on the inside of the cupboard in the kitchen or nursery wherever is more convenient

That way there is no excuse why he can't pack the bag (maybe on the evening beforehand apart from the milk - if needed)

Even if he doesn't end up taking DS to nursery, getting DH to take responsibility with this each evening will help you a tiny bit and get him ready for when you can't do nursery runs etc

People are honing in on the nursery bag and yes, I am sure that there are loads of things I could do that would mean he could pack it and take DS - but it’s work, isn’t it? That’s true of everything really. I’m not trying to be difficult there, but if I just want to make a point I can do all sorts. But that largely misses the point. It’s like when I hit a Fitbit and my friend told me to just wave my arm around to get the step count - yes, but that negates the point of a Fitbit!

You were hoping for responses from people who were somewhat emotionally engaged in your story, and now you're making passive aggressive pops at those who aren't emoted in the way you think they should be.

What did you want, OP? There there? There's a bunch of stuff you could do to change things for yourself, but you just seem to want to feel helpless. You have a part in this. You have agency. You have power; lots of the power, in fact. You won't use it, you complain instead, and then you think it's odd if people get frustrated. It isn't; you must know that people get frustrated with each other on forums all the time.

The world isn't built the way you want it to be. YOU have to build your stuff the way you want it. If you don't want people to get frustrated with you, then consider their advice before blowing it out of the water. If you don't want to do everything around the house, create a situation where you don't have to.

I can understand you not taking responsibility for other people's feelings, but you're not taking responsibility for your own, either.

Google 'mental load', it makes for interesting reading. I also have one that will help when asked but won't take the initiative.

This with bells on. You’re adamant that absolutely nothing will make your husband step up, but you’re refusing to do what needs to be done and LET him forget the bag, nappies etc. the first few times. It doesn’t matter. The big picture does.

Next time baby wakes at 5am, elbow your husband and tell him it’s his turn to get up with his son. I really don’t understand what’s so hard about this, you’re being a martyr and a bit of a doormat to be blunt. My husband would have a glass of cold water over his head if he tried to sleep in for two hours more than me every day. You must be physically getting up and leaving him to sleep, then come on here and say nothing could possibly work to make him pull his weight?! If necessary get the baby, bring him through and place him on your husband then you go off to the spare room. Sighing and ‘doing it anyway because it’s easier’ isn’t going to get you anywhere other than resentment and ultimately a bitter divorce. Make it easier for him to pull his weight than to deal with the alternative.

You have significantly more agency over your own life than you seem determined to believe.

@JassyRadlett , I agree with this too, that and that the baby is so dependent on DM for the first weeks, a pattern gets established. DM stays at home on ML (holiday) playing house and dollies while DF is the breadwinner, bringing home the bacon. How many times on here have I read 'He's a great father but how do I get him to help?'

@Raininginautumn I'm not naive about life with small children. I have a three year old, I'm living it right now. If DH doesn't get up you prod him and make noise and get your child to make noise until he gets up. You tell him to get up now and leave your child with him. It's not your morning, you're busy doing something else (go out for a walk?).

My partner likes his sleep. I do do more mornings and wake ups than him. But three mornings a week he sets an alarm and gets up and does everything, because they're his mornings. Two nursery runs, one on Sundays so I can have a lie in or go for a run.

Oh and if nursery ring you tell them you're in a meeting or don't have the car. Your husband will bring them. Let them get cross with him, not you.

@Watchkeys - I was wanting nothing more and nothing less than to talk. I do make this fairly clear. I think you are perhaps insulting me in the hope I will get annoyed and we can argue, and you can feel justified in what an unpleasant person I am. I don’t want that, so let’s just not respond to one another.

@TiddleyWink Next time baby wakes at 5am, elbow your husband and tell him it’s his turn to get up with his son

And you get grunt, groan, uhhh (meanwhile DS is getting increasingly upset and noisy) then he goes trundling off to toilet for the worlds longest wee then is so noisy getting DS up, by this time I’m wide awake. But sure, it probably is my fault

Go out for a walk - at 5am in November? 😂

You need to TELL him that HIS job is to do the things he agreed would be his responsibility, this these are his children as much as yours and he can't just wait for you to ask, or does he only do stuff at work when he's explicityly asked?

Your child(ren) won’t be disadvantaged if you put your foot down OP, but they will be if you let this roll on indefinitely.

Take the weariness and resignation you feel and apply to planning a strategy to give you and your DC a nicer life- especially your DC, they deserve an involved dad and a non-resentful mum.

Talking hasn’t worked so now you need action. You are doing a course / pregnancy yoga / whatever two nights a week which you will be attending straight after work and it won’t be over until after DC bedtime. DH will have to collect DC from nursery and do dinner bath and bed.

I promise you. I have been where you are and I let it run on until after the second baby. I thought the things about DH then that you think about your DH now. But they can actually do everything perfectly well.

Feeling in control of things is a coping mechanism and I know the feeling well. But the trick is to understand that the need to control is a response to the thing you are coping with, which is having too much on your plate. Once you have less on your plate, that need dissipates.

Start now and get some structure in place before the new baby comes. Good luck.

Well no, but I often go for a walk at 7am. At 5am you just need your husband to take your child downstairs or back to their room so you can get a bit more sleep. But that's not going to happen if you take over, is it.

I can understand the temptation to let that force you into just doing it yourself, but then you're just letting him get away with it forever.

It's learnt/feigned incompetence on his part.

You're awake and probably pissed off, but get him up instead. Learn to go back to sleep or rest while he gets on with it.

The thing is OP you are getting responses from people who have all been there and are telling you that the only way forward is to simply stop doing it all but you don't seem to want to listen and think your situation is somehow unique and that your DH is particularly difficult. He's not incapable is he, he just doesn't want to do it.

You have to stop doing everything or you will have a lifetime of this. Actions speak louder than words. Talk by all means but then change and stick to it.

Right, so he makes lots of noise and you’re awake too. But you’re awake anyway normally so at least you have company.

The next day it’s your turn, but you make as much noise as he makes on his turn. So he doesn’t get a lie in.

Rinse and repeat until he realises that he can either have a sleep in 50% of the time or not at all.

You’re INSISTING these issues are insurmountable but they’re simply not. It’s down to you to decide whether to be a miserable martyr or actually do one of the many things people are suggesting. You’re coming across as really passive and defeatist and to be honest like one of those people who just wants to be able to complain about how though they have it. If you actually wanted to change this situation you would.

Can you give me one valid reason why the above suggestion re lie ins isn’t something you can do?

You feel sad because you want your DH to just see/understand what needs to be done and just do it because he loves his DS and loves and values you and not wait until you ask him to.
Even when you do ask he makes excuses, goes back on the agreement or just does it temporarily to get you off his back, of course that’s hurtful.
I can understand that after a while of this you just give up and just soldier on and any small thing he does becomes a bonus rather than a tiny fraction of what he should be doing.
It’s your choice to moan about it but just crack on with it but what about your DS and the new baby. As PP’s have said what if you are ill in your pregnancy or have complications after the birth or god forbid the new baby is ill and you have to spend time in hospital your DH is going to have to look after his DS isn’t he. Surely it’s better for your son if his dad knows how to look after him and knows his routine now, if you are doing everything at the moment to avoid causing distress to your son what’s going to happen if you’re not there?
Also if you are doing everything for your son now and also will be doing everything for the new baby as well, I think you are wishful thinking if you think your DH is going to majically change, won’t your son feel upset that you will have less time for him and maybe resent the new baby. He needs his dad to be more involved starting before the new baby is born.

OP, your resignation is palpable and as you don't think he is a bad man it would make life harder probably to separate and serve no purpose at this time.

All you can do is help yourself practically.

Think about simply things that will make life easier for you.

A cleaner if possible.
A babysitter when possible.

Sadly the loneliness tends to morph into detaching from your husband.

He is not a bad man, but he's not a good one either.

At his core he is selfish and loves himself and the easy life far more than you or your child.
This reality slowly sinks in and the love you had for him may well seep away.

I have a few friends that are 30 years married and this is the case.

They are not unhappy at all, they adapted through necessity.

They reared their children, mostly on their own, and got on with their life and careers and juggled it all mainly successfully.

But what they feel at nearly 60 is a mixture of calm indifference and tolerance.

Covid was interesting in what it thew up.

After one of my friends got Covid her husband did the minimum ish for her, whilst not being a total prat.

Her friends dropped over single portions to tempt her to eat, which he wasn't impressed with🙄.

A couple of months later he got it and she gave him a similar level of care and got on with her busy medical job.

His recovery was much slower and he definitely has had a mild long Covid.

She mentioned that she will never be his carer as she realises that she doesn't feel the relationship and his contribution over the years, warrants it.

He initially became a bit clingy whilst ill, as to why she wasn't taking time off to mind him, but a frank conversation gave him the lay of the land.

The one upside was he was a junk food eater and the reality of being unwell and a wife who has made it clear she will not mop his brow, has focused his mind a lot.

My advice if you intend to remain married to a man like that, is make and keep your friends close to you.

They will be your greatest comfort.

What do you want from this thread, Raininginautumn?
I was in your situation 20+ years ago, and GerbilsForever24 described what came next pretty accurately. Sounds like you have realised what's going on faster than I did; would you like to avoid that future? Is your plan to put up with it a bit longer then get out? Or keep trying to change him?

I didn't know what to do to change him, either. I don't know if there was a better solution I simply never found. When I arranged for him to look after the kids on specific nights while I went out to work, he simply arrived late so that I had to take the kids to work with me. I changed jobs: adapting myself was possible, adapting him was not.

My first mistake was not having a good enough understanding of what I should be looking out for in a partner, and thinking that because we got on well, and he agreed with me, then we must think the same way. Now, in retrospect, of course I'd know better what to look out for. I was inexperienced.

My second mistake, I think, was staying with him too long. Of course he had an affair and we broke up when the kids were teenagers. So I might as well have left earlier. If I had, I'd have had a chance to have a meaningful, caring relationship, or just stay single and avoid the constant ache of being let down.

You seemed confused at peoples responses, I was just explaining them. But you did want people to be invested enough to give you advice though?
i feel like you’ve had a similar response with a few pp and you are putting words and meaning onto peoples posts, such as saying op are looking for you to be an unpleasant person (I haven’t seen this). Or that people are fixated on one example (they’re simply giving an example of their advice in a practical situation)
i imagine it’s easier to fight with pp because you are frustrated that you feel trapped and pp are making it sound like it should be easy to just fix it but your experience is that it isnt easy (or even possible) and arguing about that is easier than tackling DH. But hes being v unfair to you and you will likely remain unhappy until you deal with that or accept that. If you have given up clearly that is your choice, but that signals lots of other issues in your marriage, as dh does not seem to be aware or care enough about you, to care that he’s making you miserable. That doesn’t seem like much of a marriage to me. Certainly not a marriage where a second child is going to fix his attitude.

He needs to learn about the mental load. You carry it all yourself, he needs to step up to it too.