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Original poster

Partner wants me to cash in my pensions so he can stop work ??

161 replies

Lizzie2006 · 22/11/2022 09:52

My partner wants me to cash in my pensions, so that he can stop working. He has no pension provision and I have a couple, having paid in since I started work at 16 (I'm nearly 60). We are not married - he says if I cash in my pensions, then he'll marry me. We have joint savings, but he won't let me touch them. Instead, he wants my pension money to enable him to retire, marry me .............. is that right?

OP posts:
Brokendaughter · 22/11/2022 11:57

@Lizzie2006

It is NOT your responsibility to 'get him out of his job'.
It is NOT for you to fund him.

This man sees you as a meal ticket & he is financially abusing you.
He is also emotionally abusing you by trying to make you take responsibility for his life & finances.

I didn't even notice about the 'joint' savings.

Take every penny you paid into them out of it today & put them in your own account which he cannot access.

I'm going to guess you'd have to take out more than half.

Whatever he might have been like 9 years ago, he is nothing you need in your life now.

My sister was married to a man who became a bit like this (although he did have his own good pensions etc...) who wanted her to fund his 'early retirement'.

Now she is divorced & her life is MUCH better & she is much happier.

WakingUpDistress · 22/11/2022 11:58

Lizzie2006 · 22/11/2022 11:39

Thank you everyone for being so honest with me. In answer to a couple of your questions, we've been together about nine years and everything was great to start with but now this ........ also, he had an op recently and is now telling me that if I don't 'get him out of his current job' (by releasing my pension money), he will end up ill again and back in hospital which will be my fault. It's relentless now, every day he brings this subject up and just won't leave it and texts me about it throughout the day - when am I going to get the money, when can he hand in his notice, I'm killing him, I'm making his life a misery by making him go to work and if I loved him, I wouldn't be doing this - I would be getting the money so he can stop work ................ We live in a private rented property and the tenancy is held in my sole name.

If one of his issue is that he is feeling too ill to carry on working, then he needs to look at PIP and ESA payments.
That's what those benefits are for.

Fwiw I am not working and probably won't ever be able to again. Before stopping wrk, I had a chat with DH about it. I didn't tell him to withdraw his pension. I didn't try to emotionally manipulate him. We had a chat about what I can and can't do. We talked about the benefits I might be able to get. And I started the process as soon as I took the final decision. We also talked about whether we could live on his wage only (whihc we can - we are very lucky in that respect).
At no point did I ever expect him to do things like fuck his pension and retirement even we are MARRIED - which you are NOT!

Comefromaway · 22/11/2022 11:58

If he is too ill to work then he needs to do what everyone else in that position would have to do and look into sickness/disability benefits. (though I suspect he won't be entitled).

avocadotofu · 22/11/2022 12:02

Definitely don't do that!!!

KettrickenSmiled · 22/11/2022 12:07

I don't think Lizzie is coming back ...

Maybe she is busy emptying the joint savings account.
Maybe she is counting her cashed-in pension money into swag bags.

Or maybe ... we needn't invest too much credulity to a woman who has 44 years experience of working life, who is successful enough to have accrued savings & pensions ... but bizarrely, not worldly enough to realise her 'partner' is a conman ...

Comefromaway · 22/11/2022 12:09

I don't think Lizzie is coming back ...

She literally posted an update half an hour ago. People do have work you know.

barskits · 22/11/2022 12:15

"If you don't do what I say and give me your money, then [bad thing] happens and it will be your fault".

There is a word for that, you know. It is BLACKMAIL.

Do not let him blackmail you into this. You are not responsible for making him ill. You are not responsible for his lack of pension arrangements. You are not responsible for him full stop. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it is.

bluepen12 · 22/11/2022 12:15

He says you're killing him...what on earth? Nobody is forcing him to be with you, he is free to make his own life better (and yours) by moving out. It is his choices that he expects you to pay for. He is emotionally blackmailling you to get an easy life.

Big fat no.

He can move out. He can change jobs, but hey ho why would he be bothered if he can force you to take care of that. You are not his parent. He is an adult.
Why did he not think about the marriage sooner, but only thinks now because it would be for his own convenience.

Op, don't let him to manipulate you. You are smart and you know better

venusandmars · 22/11/2022 12:20

I can see that perhaps he is feeling panicked about his health and prospects and thinks he has found the easy and ideal solution (for him - and in the short term).

You need to get some proper pension advice. If you cash in all your pensions and take it as a lump sum now you will only get 25% tax free and you would pay tax on all the rest. Unless you bought an annuity. Would that give you enough to live on? Would it give you both enough to live on? Maybe you are fortunate enough to have a final salary pension? If so look at how much you would lose by taking it early.

What were your own plans for retirement? If you have to continue paying rent for all your days how much do you need to survive financially? If you are both entitled to the state pension when you are 67/68/69/70... (or whatever age it might change to) will that be enough for you to retire on?

I suspect that if you sit down with all your financial information you will get a very clear answer to why this is a ridiculous idea.

Please do not respond to his manipulative threats. None of this is your fault. You have done the right thing for yourself by investing in your pension for many years. It is his fault that he has not done this.

Mumofnarnia · 22/11/2022 12:21

Lizzie2006 · 22/11/2022 11:39

Thank you everyone for being so honest with me. In answer to a couple of your questions, we've been together about nine years and everything was great to start with but now this ........ also, he had an op recently and is now telling me that if I don't 'get him out of his current job' (by releasing my pension money), he will end up ill again and back in hospital which will be my fault. It's relentless now, every day he brings this subject up and just won't leave it and texts me about it throughout the day - when am I going to get the money, when can he hand in his notice, I'm killing him, I'm making his life a misery by making him go to work and if I loved him, I wouldn't be doing this - I would be getting the money so he can stop work ................ We live in a private rented property and the tenancy is held in my sole name.

Tell him to stop being so lazy and get to work. And that if he does get ill you won’t be sticking around to look after him!! He’s a gaslighting manipulative user! How dare he demand you cash in your pension that you’ve paid into all your life and worked hard for! Don’t ever cash in your pension so that he doesn’t have to work and can sit around on his lazy backside all day while you go to work!! Please research financial abuse and emotional abuse. The texts he is sending you are classed as both of these!

KettrickenSmiled · 22/11/2022 12:25

Comefromaway · 22/11/2022 12:09

I don't think Lizzie is coming back ...

She literally posted an update half an hour ago. People do have work you know.

Yup, not sure how I managed to miss it - perhaps because I have to work too?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2022 12:32

If you have any sense whatsoever, you will kick him out immediately. He is going to take every £ you have and leave you with nothing.

Wombat27A · 22/11/2022 12:42

He shouldn't be at yours if he's not on the tenancy but in this case, it's a good thing. If he ends up ill again, that is not your fault. Repeat, it's not your fault.

If you don't believe this, swap the situation around and would you think it ok to say and do the same things to him?

It very much sounds like a long-game scam and definitely abusive.

barskits · 22/11/2022 12:45

If his job is so physically or mentally demanding that to continue working would be severely detrimental to his health, then he should either be transferred to other duties or signed off long-term sick. He could then claim the relevant benefits to which he would then be entitled.

Daleksatemyshed · 22/11/2022 12:56

Don't do it Op. You've saved for your retirement, he could have done the same. He's trying to wear you down until you give in, tell him No and mean it. Flat's in just your name so get him out before he turns nasty

Tinkerbyebye · 22/11/2022 13:07

Get your money out of the joint savings now
It is not your role to get him out of his job, if he doesn’t like it he can find another until he can claim the state pension.

Do NOT cash in your pensions, that’s your security for your old age

if he continues and the tenancy is in your name end the relationship and he can leave

Opentooffers · 22/11/2022 13:12

He'll marry you for your money, no other reason - lovely. At least he's open about it, so you'd be mad to entertain the idea.
How about if he loved you, he would not be asking you for your pension every day and would be a support rather than a drain?

Giggorata · 22/11/2022 13:18

This man is a real villain. He is clearly after your money. He has invested years, worming his way in and is now looking for the payoff. Your pension.
He's really ramping it up, trying to wear you down. Emotional blackmail about his health and financial abuse re your savings. It will be something else soon. Coercion? Physical abuse?
Stay strong.
Pleeease get him out of your property, your financial affairs and your life.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2022 13:23

This man is a real villain. He is clearly after your money.

Totally agree.

when am I going to get the money, when can he hand in his notice, I'm killing him, I'm making his life a misery by making him go to work and if I loved him, I wouldn't be doing this

What a manipulative bastard.

We live in a private rented property and the tenancy is held in my sole name.

Thank gor for that. Tell him he is moving out. And you will help him by packing.

Get him out. Now.

blebbleb · 22/11/2022 13:26

Please don't throw away your financial security for this man. If he hates his job so much he can find another one. There's a massive shortage of labour in many markets,

Byelaws · 22/11/2022 13:30

OP, please tell us more about the joint savings?

Goldpaw · 22/11/2022 13:32

You need to get your hands on your share of the savings, and get rid of him.

Scarecrowrowboat · 22/11/2022 13:38

Do you have confirmation that the savings are actually still there?

BaddogGooddoggy · 22/11/2022 13:49

You’re renting at nearly 60? You’re going to need to hang on to every penny if you’re planning to rent for the rest of your life…

This guy is trying, very obviously, to use you. Don’t let him

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 22/11/2022 13:54

You have been very sensible building a pension pot for over 40 years please do not let a man who has only been in your life for a quarter of this time scam you out of your future security.

I have no doubt he is very certain that you love him and he is counting on the strength of your feelings towards him as leverage for his manipulation. He doesn't feel the same way OP, if he did he wouldn't be behaving like this.

It must be heart-breaking that a partner you have spent nearly a decade with has finally revealed themselves to being an emotionally blackmailing, abusive cock lodger. You are not "killing" him and you are not responsible for financing his retirement for potentially the next 30 years. He must think he is a real special prize to offer marriage as a reward for your compliance.

Please do not treat this relationship like a sunk cost fallacy, end this now with your dignity and financial security in tact.

I expect if you try to end things and kick him out he will try to pull some other boring bullshit move like telling you that you have ruined his life. Emotional blackmailers can really scrape the barrel when they realise their game is up.