Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz interestingly, I think its in about 80% of cases of adhd, the condition seems to be inherited from a parent so if your mum was afflicted, then she may not have been the only one in your family with it.

ADDitude website has lots of information if you'd like to read more.

But most of us have smart phones, with alarms. And calendars/diaries. I have a sibling with adhd and they never remember anniversaries or birthdays and blame their condition. But they remember to go to events to do with work.

It can be an excuse IMO.

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Someone being repeatedly late to meet me tells me they think their time is more important than mine. Its rude and not something someone has to put up with if they dont want to.

Can I ask are you constantly 5-10 minutes late for work? 5-10 minutes late for a doctors appointment? 5-10 minutes late for a wedding ceremony?

Probably not because those things require you to be on time. Why do you consider meeting your friend not as important?

When someone is constantly late, they are telling you that you are not important enough to be on time for. You're telling them your time is more valuable.

My family used to be late every time until one day I had enough, literally enough, and I was very cross.

Now they know how important it is to me, they make the effort.

I dont mind 5, 10 minutes, I mind half an hour or more. And nowadays there is no excuse not to let people know as well

I understand that being late is annoying but I wouldn't class 5-10 minutes as comment worthy personally, unless it was for something time sensitive like a show.

Being late is so rude. Cant believe there are people on here saying 'oh Im always late for everything' including doctors appointments! Youre the person that ruins the system for the whole day! Im always 5 minutes early. I check traffic before i leave, if its rush hour i allow extra time, i get up at the right time. Its not bloody hard and you canr blame ADHD. Find a work around, youve had it long enough to work that out if you're an adult. My husbands severely dyslexic with poor recall, spelling, language skills and finds talking on the phone difficult so if he goes to the shop he makes sure he writes a list of things ive asked for, he checks names with me right before meeting people, he makes a note of things he needs to remember to say before calling someone. He makes an effort.

Yes we do have those things.

But sometimes those people need help.

Of course most likely to remember things with work. At my place we have reminders through our work calendars through teams and our calendar. They are put on by work though. So I don't forget those.

If I didn't use my phone calendar to remind me of even the smallest task, I would never remember anything.

It takes time, experience and learning to get yourself where you should be. Do you do everything perfect? I highly doubt it.

So it's not for others to judge someone who's brain works differently. How about you help your adhd relative and say let's put reminders in your phone for important family celebrations and events.... you could if you wanted to. Or point them in the direction of help online. Other adhd groups.

Again let's help each other instead. I feel very passionate about being kinder to onr another.

I don’t think the OP is as sensitive and caring as she suggests because there’s a disregard for her friends needs.

Someone mentioned this upthread but I can’t see much of a response to it. Whilst many posters may understand that ADHD is a condition that makes keeping time difficult, there’s very little (or no) understanding for the one left waiting.

My mum used to always be late meeting me. She’d say 5-10 minutes, when actually it would be 30 minimum - sometimes an hour. Sometimes it would be even worse and I’d get a phone call an hour after our meeting time to say she wasn’t coming. Sometimes I’d get no notification at all and just be waiting. I now get really anxious when people are late. I don’t know if late means 5 minutes, 30 minutes, 2 hours, not showing at all.

We’ve all been told how hard it is for people with ADHD and that we need to accommodate, but do you also consider your friends needs and treat them as people with backgrounds, their own difficulties and give them the same consideration?

Amen!

When someone who is consistently late tells you they have adhd and thats why they are late - maybe listen properly instead of judge ?

If it were just a matter of habits or setting alarms on phone etc ie 'all the other useful suggestions' then it wouldn't be a ADHD it would just be unorganised normal wouldn't it.

For it to be a disorder and diagnosable can you normals not at least think how bad it actually has to affect someone for it to be a 'medical condition'.

This so plays into numerous other threads as why people with NT kids are clueless at how difficult parenting ND kids can be. It's just 'use a sticker chart' advice but for adults.

I have depression and anxiety.
just the idea of being late is a major stress factor
in over 30 years of using public transport to get to work, I was never, ever late, because I have to build in a time buffer. Being early is fine for me. I’m more than happy to hang around

But other people being late is very difficult for me. To the extent I get intrusive thoughts if they are more than a few minutes late

never underestimate the impact your actions can have on someone else.

I would take a breather.

I'm ADHD too and time blindness is a disaster, it has screwed me over so much over the years no matter what I put in place pre-diagnosis. Pre-kids I'd arrive to things half an hour early (aiming for an hour early) as a management technique, obviously not so easy with kids.

Now I know what it is it's marginally easier to manage and, more importantly, my friends get it and they accept that part of me. You can't help things related to ADHD, meds or not. Time blindness is my biggest symptom now I'm medicated.

Oh it's not hard to not be late says the neurotypical.

If you could spend a day in our brains then you'd know how that statement sounds.

Please realise not everyone is you or your husband.

It's great and fantastic that he has found ways to support himself. I know that being dyslexic is ND. But sometimes people need support and help to get to being a better person.

I think I've said enough on this board now. It's upsetting to see all the prejudice and I hope some people take my comments.on board. Maybe do some reading on how adhd affects us. Our brain pathways are formed differently to neurotypicals.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-reality-gen-z/202112/7-ways-adhd-can-be-seen-in-the-brain?amp

if you want to save the friendship, then Id suggest you aim to meet her 15 - 20 minutes early, write down the time to meet her early and set an alarm on your phone.
Also do this with other appointments and events, meeting other people etc as they will also appreciate your promptness.

If you are not concerned about saving the friendship then moan about her bitchyness to everyone else

the choice is yours and yours alone

Someone mentioned this upthread but I can’t see much of a response to it. Whilst many posters may understand that ADHD is a condition that makes keeping time difficult, there’s very little (or no) understanding for the one left waiting

I disagree, even those posts attempting to explain adhd (with perhaps the exception of my own!) have recognised how hard it is to be kept waiting and how it can make someone feel.

While I am sympathetic to the friend, I suspect there's more behind her outburst which is not justifiable. Pulling someone up on behaviour that feels inconsiderate is OK, shouting at them and criticising all their perceived faults is not.

Lateness is a real trigger for me. My DM is someone who is always late, as a child I would be left standing for what seemed like hours outside the school etc (would be regarded as a serious safeguarding issue today) I have a particular memory of standing outside the church hall crying because I felt scared and my mother punishing me for 'crying in the street' instead of comforting me. I am now 60 hate lateness. Maybe OP your friend has similar issues?
However this does not give her the right to get angry with you. I recognise my dislike of lateness as my problem and to arrive too early is as bad as being late. I have 2 chronically late friends but because I am aware of my own issues around time, I try to laugh it off and to manage it. I tell them to be somewhere earlier than necessary and if it is a time critical event such as a concert I will give them the tickets etc before and agree to meet inside the auditorium so I am not inconvinienced by what is their problem.

Husband cheating?

I really need some help. My DH of 12 years has been acting off recently.
We usually have sex once every three months exactly- just to satisfy his needs- I don’t find men attractive.
I feel as if my sex drive has decreased a lot, I understand pleasure for him as to me women are very attractive.
Am I a lesbian?
I noticed he started staying later at work and sometimes just not coming home…
I also found explicit photos of young women on his phone.
I am too scared to confront him as I don’t want to ruin our marriage.
AIBU?

I am a bit obsessively punctual (for myself) but wouldn't turn a hair about someone being 5-10 minutes late, even recurrently. There are surely endless reasons why it could happen. Heavy traffic, urgent phone call, public transport late, anything. It wouldn't even figure in my concept of lateness with a friend, ND or not.

The thing is you are the one with the problem so you need to find ways to work around it that work for you if you want to keep the friendship IMO. Why don't you always arrange to meet at your house - then you don't have to worry about the time. Otherwise always set an alarm at the time you need to go when you are meeting this friend.

I guess it just depends how much of a priority this friend is as to whether you want to put the effort in or not. I have a friend who is flaky like this and I've stopped seeing her as it just feels like i'm always waiting around not knowing if she's going to show or not. It's not a nice feeling and I'm not surprised your friend is sick of it.

I bet you wouldn't be late every day for work or late every day taking your kids to school, so when you're late every time for a friend then it just feels like their time isn't important to you and sorry means nothing if you don't change the behaviour.

This, this this and this. With bells on.

From a fellow ADHDer!

I have ADD and struggle with lateness as I genuinely always underestimate how long everything will take, and how many things I need to do before leaving. I now reframe things in my mind so that I think of the arrival time as an hour before. So now I’m usually chronically early to meet friends- I can manage that or be late. I still struggle with forgetting important appointments etc sometimes, I’m trying to find better ways to cope. So basically, adhd makes things a lot harder and people with it don’t mean to be late, however the behaviour needs to be addressed with coping mechanisms.

There are loads of disabilist replies here.

OP report this on the neurodiverse mumsnetters board.

If anyone was acting superior it was the OP. She is constantly late and keeps friends waiting.

Wow. I’m NTand wouldn’t think anything of waiting 5-10 mins for a friend unless going for a flight/ transport etc. i probably am a bit late myselfsometimes. If someone shouted at me like that over 5 mins, they could fuck off, frankly,