Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

If you’ve spent x years being consistently late credit to her for saying nothing before. lateness is annoying.

It isn't an absolute and nobody has said that they don't have any ability to manage their time, just that they quite often struggle to manage their time. But it also isn't as easy as just developing a coping strategy. Because any coping strategy, whatever it is, requires you to remember to employ it and remember to react to it, and that requires you not to get distracted at the wrong moment. And that's the thing with ADD/ADHD - you tend to get distracted. I have tried lots of different coping strategies - they all work intermittently but none work reliably.

More people are seeking a diagnosis, that's a good thing. It's certainly becoming more openly discussed and acknowledged.

It's absolutely not an easy route to take and then even more of a headache to get the appropriate support and medication afterwards. It is also very, very real.

However - I can't deny that amongst that there is likely to be a certain amount of bandwagon jumping and this will irk people, quite rightly.

The number of people with claimed food intolerances rocketing a few years back did the same trick of minimising and diminishing the experience of coeliacs and those with life threatening peanut and dairy allergies.

I would like to point out here that the members of ND / ADHD communities and support groups that I interact with are absolutely mortified when accusations of using disability as an "excuse" are made or when it's used against us in that sense. We all try so hard to leave early, make lists and set reminders but it's just not that simple - and we may be successful nine times out of ten, but on the last time we let our guard down (quite often with people that we trust) and that's the one that gets remembered.

For what it's worth I can be as lazy and sloth like as the next person. I'm well aware of it on the occasions when I want to slob around or can't be bothered with something. It's because I don't want to do it and I've decided not to. My mind will still be the equivalent of fifteen tv's all on different channels with varying volume.

However it appears to an outsider, its simply not the same as when I desperately want or know that I need to do something and my brain is pulling me in fifteen different directions and simply won't let me start.

Perhaps the crucial difference from genuine laziness is that this isn't restricted to mundane stuff like cleaning the bathroom, it can just as likely be the preparation for something that I am really excited about and looking forward to (maybe meeting a friend!?) - my executive function makes me procrastinate about all of the bits that get me to that point. See below:

• getting out of bed at 07:30 prior to meeting best friend for brunch at 10:30
• stopping scrolling on my phone while I've been sat on the loo and twenty minutes have passed
• putting the shower on, this feels nice
• oh shit, I didn't bring a towel in (fetch towel)
• get into shower, get out
• brush teeth, spot that I need to clean the basin
• clean basin... rearrange cleaning materials in bathroom cabinet for ten minutes
• notice various vitamins and cosmetic products that I'd completely forgotten about, start experimenting with them for fifteen minutes
• radio tells me that it's the 09:30 news (better get a move on)
• get dressed, can't find glasses, deodorant
• remember I need to text colleague about Monday - decide to call them instead (brunch has gone out of my mind)
• radio says 10:00 news, oh shit! Remember what I'm supposed to be doing, still it's only 20 minutes walk into town.
• go downstairs leave house
• 10:10 panic as I've left 'phone in the bathroom prior to showering
• run home
• 15 minutes late to meet friend

Anyone genuinely ADHD will live this all day every day. Trying to complete each step of the task in hand can often be more through luck than judgement.

It's not done on purpose, it shouldn't be used as an outright excuse, but it is a reason. It's horrible and it's fucking exhausting

@Naunet your brother sounds like an arse for trying to use it as a blanket excuse whether he has it or not.

What a bunch of entitled perfectionists so many people on here are! Absolutely no empathy for the difficulties of being neurodiverse whatsoever. Any other “disability” would be not judged so hardly so why is ADHD. It’s shows such a lack of understand and kindness towards a “friend” to criticise something they no doubt feel bad about but isn’t actually (despite what some ignoramuses on here!) seem to think. “Oh just leave earlier”. Gosh, why didn’t I think of that 🙄🤬 You would criticise a blind person for being unable to see, nor a person with Tourette’s blurting out words and twitching or criticising a friend of having a scar that’s “embarrassing”, perhaps?!. Why is it okay to criticise someone for a twitch/behaviour which is well know to be a challenge for ADHD-ers.

The self-flagellation we put ourselves through by messing up badly) yes “terribly”, like being chronically late or missing a birthday or a planned date - or goodness forbid being 10 mins late for something 🙄🤬🤬🤬) is exactly why admitting to being ND is such a battle and justifying and explaining whilst feeling rotten about effing up once again…the hurt is real.

I have friends who don’t empathise. I’m gradually cutting such toxic people out of my life. Other dear friends see these foibles of mine as endearing quirks and I’m forever grateful for the kindness they show and how they love me - warts and all.

I have a few friends who are usually late, they are good friends so I don't get stressed by it. I'm a person who is NEVER late but everyone is different.

True friends love and support each other and accept we all have our foibles. Being late I’m sure. Is annoying but there are more important things in life to get stressed about. Well done you for being a true friend.

I think toxic people should be cut out of one’s life. We all make mistakes (and ADHDers seem to do so more often!) but true friends will
be empathetic to the challenges you manage daily due to your ND not specifically criticise you for it. Like you so, you don’t criticise her itchiness, just see it as a trait or quirk. Why should your ND be any different?! Kick her to the curb IMHO.

So cut someone out of your life for being intolerant?

I have ADHD (diagnosed age 10, not currently taken medication but had all sorts over the years) and one thing I’ll say is since having kids, I’ve learned how not to be late. I don’t want to make my 3-year-old miss gymnastics class, for example, and they don’t let you in late, so I make a point of thinking ahead and building in loads of time. In case I forget something, I need to do a nappy change, a bus is late etc etc. It works. I’m rarely if ever late now.

It might not come as naturally to us, but I think this is how anyone who is punctual avoids being late: building in time for unexpected slow downs. I think the idea it’s beyond someone with ADHD to be on time most of the time is nonsense. Maybe you might be late a bit more often than normal, but if you actually make the effort it shouldn’t be every time.

I used to be quite like this, until I had kids that rely on me getting stuff done. That’s why I really believe it’s in our control. It doesn’t come as naturally, but I think it’s empowering for people with ADHD to realise we have agency over our own lives and can put helpful methods in place.

You know this saying? "Punctuality is a king's courtesy?" Being late, and especially álways being late shows profound disrespect for the person who's waiting for you. You are screaming "look at me, always late, but you'll be still waiting for me!" It's not cool, it's not funny, and it's not acceptable from a grown woman. Ánd has nothing to do with ADHD. I have ADHD, being punctual helps me to control my personal space&time. Grow up.

So being late all of the time is a 'foible' that true friends should ignore becasue there are more important things in life to get stressed about. What about the people that as you nicely put it have a 'foible' where they can't help but get stressed when someone is late like my adhd ds? Is he not a true friend? For every person that can't help being late there is another that can't help being 'stressed' when someone is late. True friends should understand that.

Well difficulty with time management ia a recognised trait of people with ADHD according to the medical experts, and seems to be the lived experience of many posters on here.

Have you ever considered your experience of your condition is not necessarily definitive? I'm guessing not!

@DontMakeMeShushYou , I understand, and maybe others indeed have other experiences. I still think it's not o.k. to álways being late so people can't count on you. It shows disregard for others needs.

Nobody has suggested it's OK though. In fact almost everyone on this thread who recognises this trait in themselves has said it makes them feel terrible and embarrassed. That they try really hard not to be late and they feel awful about it. It doesn't necessarily show disregard for others any more than than telling people that they're making their conditions up and aren't making enough effort.

and we may be successful nine times out of ten

Honestly, being on time nine times out of ten is super respectable. The OP says she is always late.

It would drive me mad if someone was late every time I went to meet then. She is not unreasonable to be annoyed - it impacts on her life. You would not be unreasonable to decide the friendship isn't worth it. Ultimately, if the friendship isn't compatible, just end it!

I am going to assume you were not trying to be condescending about how easy it is to manage GAD. Developing effective coping strategies for any named disorder is never easy. However it is possible.

The post I was responding to very clearly said that people with ADHD do not have the ability to manage their time, full stop, there was no qualifier added. I feel that a lot of the talk here is trying to absolve people with ADHD for any responsibility for their behaviour and denying that they have agency to help manage their conditions. I don't think that is a helpful message.

So me answering your questions and explaining why I haven't been able to find a reliable coping strategy is just that. It was about me. I didn't suggest in any way that it was easy for others, whatever their condition.

But thanks for your supportive post. I clearly just haven't tried hard enough or worked as hard as you. My bad. 😥

Oof, fantastic post. It really is a relentless and debilitating condition, and a lot of people with it have spent their whole lives hating and punishing themselves for traits they had no control over.

It's only since my fairly recent diagnosis that I learned why I am how I am, and I'm beginning to cope with that. Meds might help me at some point but I'm still a long way off that being resolved (just started titration).

Re: time keeping, I'm learning to aim to get the train way before the one I need, or to get somewhere really early with a book, and I have to basically spend the whole day waiting to go to an appointment or whatever, unable to focus on anything else, lest it make me late. And even then, it doesn't always work out.

If my schedule was busier then I know I'd still really struggle. Britain is one of those countries with enough infrastructure that people expect you to be able to arrive on time to the minute, and a very set 'time is money' attitude, so many people are quite unforgiving and take it very personally if you are late. To the point that it's often seen as a major personality flaw to be late and a personal insult toward the waiting person, even when it's the result of a serious neurological condition.

I do hope with more people becoming aware of, and being able to empathise with neurodivergence, that some of the shame and stigma will be reduced for future generations.

My question was why people are using such absolute language to describe the condition, quoting a post where this was the case.

Your response was to deny that they were and say that it wasn't "as easy" as developing a coping strategy after I described my experience of managing my anxiety.

You've now accused me of being unsupportive. I suggest you think about how you might be coming across here too.

I have a friend who is late Every time we meet.

Every time

usually by 15m - often 30m

drives me insane

as she is never late for work

so why is she always late for me (and others)

Have you tried broaching this with her? I'm sure she'd be able to explain her own actions better than strangers in an internet forum. Sit her down when you're feeling calm and tell her how you feel. Try not to berate her and allow her to open up, and you might just get the answers you're looking for.

Beautiful (if heartbreaking) reply. Thank you. The struggle (and self loathing) is very very real indeed.