Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

but 5 to 10 mins isn't much to wait

This sentence gives me the rage!

I am always early at least 10 minutes because I have a huge fear of being late. Because I know if I take my eyes of a clock I'll be late.

I have trained myself to be on time. I set timers on my phone and my watch.

So I'm 10 minutes early and the person is 10 minutes late. That means I have been waiting for 20 fucking minutes because their time is so much more precious than mine.

They can get tae fuck ...

I do not keep friends who are tardy. And surprisingly the friends who are late for everyone else are never late for me.

Yup and I'm sure I'm going to get the "you sound like hard work" posts.

But I'm not I've got loads of friends, from primary schools friends to people I've just met in the gym. I just can't stand people who are late and don't want them in my life!

Sorry that was a huge rant! Sorry OP.

Yes even though you were late you didn't deserve to be shouted at. Time to move on from that friendship.

How Does ADHD Affect Your Time Perception?

There are scientific reasons why some people are less able to manage time.

Woah. Wait a minute.

Neurotypicals can naturally sense that rising and setting of the sun??

That's actual magic.

What does...what that feel like?

*the

Neurodiversity has only really entered mainstream consciousness in the past 10 years ago, and I was skeptical it was a thing.

Then it gradually dawned on me that I had the exact same cluster of traits as ADHD - everything from task terror to sitting on the floor - and light dawned.

I réalised my house wasn’t a shambles because I was depressed, but that I had depression and shame that my house was a shambles, despite - or actually because of - being organised and very professional at work. That simple things were harder for me than they were for other people, despite being the type of person who was a high achiever in some respects. Working lofe emptied my tank. This shame went so far as to make relationships difficult for me.

To people who don’t understand: think of it like asthma. It’s a condition, it’s not visible, but it’s real and it’s a thing. You’d have to be a very harsh and unkind person to punch down on someone with asthma for not keeping up with you. So don’t do it to ND people.

You can’t necessarily tell who’s ND or not - and because Covid and the cost of living etc have made many people’s loves a very real daily struggle - just be kind. To everyone.

</sermon!>

@Daftmum47 really well put 💐

thanks @candycane10 - and apols for the typos!

In my experience any friends who are persistently late who use the what's the big deal excuse it's only 5/10 minutes. It's always far more likely to be 30 minutes late instead .

I do have sympathy but what about mine.
Standing there in the cold for hours.
And it is hours,not 5 or 10 minutes like some are claiming.

If you know you're late the onus is on you to be straight with your friends.
Don't make time sensitive Commitments.
Also please if you are late,ring or text your friend and be honest.
Tell them you've only got out of the bath,don't tell them you're on the bus if you're not.
That way the person waiting can make an informed choice about whether to stay or go.

the penny dropped for me with my ADHD friend when she was nearly 1.5 hours late to meet me. She happily turned up and said "I'm pleased with myself - only a few minutes late". Turned out she meant she'd left only a few minutes after the time she'd set herself to leave her house. However the time she'd set herself to leave the house was the time we were meant to be meeting - and she was over an hour's drive away. When I realised she genuinely didn't get why she was actually so late, I gave up trying. We now organise meetups where it doesn't matter what time she arrives and I just get on with other things/catch up with other friends until she is there.

Ahh I saw we're now making comparisons with other countries, nice backhanded comment there.

Reading between the lines this is basically, "well if they can manage it there, you can do it too."

Piss off.

I suspect Germany has better healthcare available where people aren't drowning on endless waiting lists, and they actually get the help they need, rather than being left to flail and shit on repeatedly from a great height.

That's on you for staying outside for hours. If someone doesn't turn up after fifteen minutes, then go home.

So there is no responsibility on the person that can't turn up on time but persists on making arrangements anyway knowing that they won't turn up on time? The other person should just go home, wasting time and probably money having agreed to meet them in good faith?

I'd stop agreeing to meet with anyone that didn't show for hours. I also wouldn't wait for anyone for hours, or expect that anyone did so for me.

Waiting is on me,them being late is on them.

Pretty sure that would result in a post saying “Horrible friend refused to make allowance for me and wait when I was late”.

As a NT person I can see why time keeping is an issue for someone with ADHD and would give plenty of allowance for a friend with ADHD but I’m also sure that I wouldn’t be friends with someone who was self-centred (unless being self-centred was a symptom of another medical condition). There is a blanket refusal by a lot of the ND posters on this thread to accept that their difficulties with executive function may have an impact on others. Of course it’s bloody hard to get somewhere on time if you have a very fluid grasp of time itself and of course it’s not just a case of “try harder” but, but, but … surely the person waiting for you for an hour is allowed to be annoyed especially if you won’t even explain the reason why you are always late? Grace extends both ways.

It is so rude to constantly be late for things. You are an adult, you need to plan your time better if you know it is an issue. Using adhd as an excuse isn't good enough.

Firstly, I don’t like bitchy “friends” - to me, they aren’t friends at all, so I’d have blown her off by now anyway
But it seems that you can live with that, so that’s your choice
With regards to the time keeping, have you had a proper, honest talk with her around your ADHD? I’ve had a few friends in the past, and some of my family who are consistently late for everything, and tbh, it drives me mad. I’ve never had a problem with time keeping myself, so “being disorganised” or “having a kid” or other priorities doesn’t cut it with me, sorry. If you’ve arranged to meet me, then you meet me, and being late is just disrespectful …. Unless … there are extenuating circumstances … such as a one off unforeseen occurance - eg an accident on the way, or a family emergency … or some reason like ADHD. But that doesn’t just get you off the hook everytime, sorry. Ask your friend to help you make ways of ensuring that you ARE on time. Set reminders on your phone. Ask her to give you an earlier arrival time than she has. Eg, I know that if o arrange to meet certain people, they will, without exception be 1/2 hr late, so I turn up 1/2 hr after the arranged time. Make sure you keep in commas with her beforehand. But be honest with her. It’s fine to say, “I’ve just left, oops on autopilot and drove to Tesco, give me 5” IF that’s what just happened. It’s not fine to say that, if actually you’ve just mislaid your car key. Tell her that. Keep her informed of what’s happening, and explain why you struggle to be on time.
Understanding is half the battle, for both of you.

I think you're friend is a bitch. As are a lot of these comments. I have a friend who is always late, and i mean she can rock up 2 hours 😂 who cares. As a mother of an ADHD ASD learning difficulties, mild tourette's syndrome kid, i sympathise with you hun, its not all black and white as these perfect 'ladies' think it is!

I am only on page one but can no longer read the ignorant disgusting comments from people slating those with- let’s not forget- a hidden DISABILITY! Go and educate yourselves, time blindness is real (I am fortunate not to have it myself but I am very familiar with it). It is entirely different to just being late because someone values their time over yours, or because someone is selfish and if only it was as easy as ‘just make sure you leave earlier’….ignorance. People with this issue sometimes DO struggle to hold down jobs and have to face this kind of criticism everyday, despite it being recognised as a disability. Have some compassion people, even if it for things you don’t quite understand. And if there’s any employers on here reading- don’t let your reaction to lateness impact losing what could be an otherwise extremely valuable employee because the struggle to get to the workplace is what some people could never imagine; reasonable adjustment should apply here. Jeez.

I don’t know about the rest of it but being late is INCREDIBLY irritating. Sitting around outside of cafes, streets ect boring, time wasting and annoying. Makes your time feel unimportant to whoever you’re waiting for.

Even if you have ADHD this can be worked on. My DH like you used to be late due to ADHD. He worked on it and is now rarely late.

You need to get yourself a friend who is also always late like me 😂 Seriously though, she sounds awful and your comments about her would be reason enough for me to put her out to pasture. Life is too short!

Wow! The anti-ND vibe in here is strong! As someone who has only just been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD I can fully appreciate where you’re coming from, OP. The lateness isn’t deliberate but I also know how frustrating it is for punctual people (like my husband).
Your friend needed to vent and express her annoyance but equally you need to be able to express your feelings and the fact that she made you feel small. If you’re not able to do that then you can’t really consider the relationship as a friendship, imo.

It feels like I substantiated bollocks to justify a behaviour pattern.

My big problem with the rise of neurodiversity as a mainstream topic is the creation of this mythical human being called a "neurotypical" who is ascribed all these magic traits that NDs, due to their conditions, do not possess and therefore should have their behaviour excused.

As someone who has diagnosed GAD I find it unhelpful that there is a school of thought that denies any agency for the the person with a condition to be able to manage that condition and the resultant behaviour to some degree to be able to function within society and that society should just fully tolerate their behaviour. Why should I accept that my condition is something that makes my life hard and damages my relationships if I can do something about it?

Most people can be time blind from time to time, the human race does not possess some innate timekeeping ability. In the modern world though most of us have clocks, watches and smartphones, someone with ADHD has the resources to develop coping strategies to minimise the impact of negative behaviours on them and those around them.

It is frustrating when people are always late BUT how she conveyed that message seems to be more the issue here.

\If you really do feel that she sometimes speaks down to you and can act superior then maybe it's time you told her what her flaws are.