Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

And to say there's no definite demarcation line. Say what??

It's true of almost all disabilities, particularly cognitive ones. It doesn't mean they are not true disabilities, but there is overlap between able/disabled, both in terms of the underlying conditions and in terms of the effects of those conditions. Two people with same symptoms can vary considerably in how disabled they are by them.

ADHD for example - you need 5 symptoms to diagnose in adults. But are you seriously saying that someone with 4 symptoms is not affected by those symptoms, even if they don't meet the diagnostic threshold? In the case of my own physical disability, somebody else might not have the underlying neurological condition that affects me, but still be unable to walk safely on uneven ground or stairs like me, perhaps just because of general frailty or unfitness. The upshot for them would be the same, even though the underlying reason was different.

I manage it by being chronically early for absolutely everything, to the detriment of getting anything else done before that specific time. I'm not sure if that's better than just being ten minutes late to everything or not to be honest. I find both incredibly stressful.

I manage it by being chronically early for absolutely everything, to the detriment of getting anything else done before that specific time. I'm not sure if that's better than just being ten minutes late to everything or not to be honest. I find both incredibly stressful.

But that is what I do too. Many years ago I decided that my friends were just as important as my employers and decided to make a deliberate effort to not keep them waiting.

Personally, I don't think five or ten minutes late is significant, except that if one can always get somewhere five or ten minutes late, just move your schedule ahead and you get their on time.

I've lived in many different countries, some where being late is extremely normal and some where five minutes late is much too late, but nobody has even come out with a disability to excuse themselves.

Wow, there are some really horrible people on this thread.

I wish I could show the inside of my ADHD brain to an NT person, and now much it takes for us to even just survive.

To those asking about work and buses flights etc...

We often don't make them on time, or like me you arrive a day early even when you have a millions alarms and reminders set in your phone, and then you have to go home and start again when you feel so STUPID you never want to leave the house again.

Holding down a job is like standing still with your arms outstretched, holding two really heavy buckets of water and not being allowed to drop them.

We lose our jobs a lot. We end up late. We make careless mistakes even though we care very much. We get into trouble with managers even though we are trying our best.

It's living hell, especially if you're unmedicated.

The current waiting list to be seen for an ADHD assessment in my area, is three years. Many of us can't afford to go private, and even if we can, the medications are on the amber list for controlled substances, and there are shortages. You can literally watch your life unravel and go to shit if your meds are delayed or unavailable.

I recently read on another forum that the waiting list for another area, was EIGHT years.

We are more likely to turn to substance abuse and alcoholism just to cope with the way ADHD wrecks our lives.

I think about suicide every day. It would be easier than living like this, and it would definitely be nicer than the way we get treated by people who don't understand, and think we are just lazy, late arseholes.

Please for the love of sanity, have some compassion. Please.

But it should also work the other way arou d. People with adhd should open up about it but people who have a problem with people being late should also be able to open up about that. There should be understanding on both sides here.

Opaljewel
I am not saying people with ADHD don't need support, but maybe if the friend knew about how hard it was she may understand. If I was the friend I may suggest meeting somewhere comfortable, like a cafe, then I can bring a book.

There's nothing more annoying than being stood somewhere for ages waiting for someone.

If we need help with things then we need to ask for it, help others to help us. Just making excuses just pisses people off. I am sure many people withADHD don't want to be seen as victims.

I think you know that’s completely ridiculous.

Everyone saying 5/10 minutes is neither here nor there I wonder how you would feel if you were on time for an appointment and Miss Late bowls up 10 minutes late at your appointment time and now they’re being seen and you’re sat waiting, running late. Colleagues who are late every day 10 minutes is nearly an hour a week, I’d like to think they would offer to make it up at the end of the day. My SIL has a sign by her door “I don’t even believe it myself when I say I’ll be 5 minutes’
She’s not ND just disorganised. However miraculously on time for things like trains that don’t wait. I don’t know about time blindness but I do know that punctuality was instilled in me from a young age with dad’s mantra being if you’re on time, you’re late. I wouldn’t blow up at a friend especially if I knew they had ADHD but it would pee me off. That said, I can hear my reply as they apologise of ‘it’s ok, I’ve only just got here’

The ADHD outrage on this thread, from some is so manipulative.
Basically YOU ARE EVIL to have an expectation that we respect you/your time and we ADHD people are the victims of you.

I deal with my inability to arrive on time by being far too early, embarrassingly early. But as others have said, I get nothing much done before we meet because I'm so focused on when to leave, how fast to walk etc...

I agree. It would be lovely if "I have a disability" was a trump card, that made the whole world reconsider how it works, to centre the disabled person, but it ain't like that. The lack of understanding of the battles that disabled people have been fighting for decades is breath-taking.

@Samibgton are you ever early?

if we were to ask the OPs friend / ex friend, on average how late was she, I am guessing it was a lot more than 5/10 minutes late. I have a friend who is always late and we don't go to gigs together any more

People with adhd should open up about it but people who have a problem with people being late should also be able to open up about that. There should be understanding on both sides here

I think that is the really problem here. I lost a friend of twenty years because I told her about something she did I had a problem with. If she hadn't been important to me, I would have kept my mouth shut and let her go her own sweet way, but because I valued her I told her about the problem. And that was it. She totally cut me off. And she had always been very liberal about criticising me to my face, I'd thought it would work both ways.

So one thing is that the OP has a disability that has her living in a time zone that is five or ten minutes different from everyone else and another thing entirely that she is mortally offended that her friend dared to object.

lmao

"People with ADHD should open up more..."

Yeah cos that seems to be going SO WELL for us here, doesn't it?

This is why we don't. We are always judged and made to feel like shit.

The nastiness on this thread is appalling.

time blindness is a thing and it can be an extremely difficult and exhausting thing to manage. It is the complete OPPOSITE of laziness when you are constantly mentally on the go trying to juggle your life with lack of structure or thought process to fully grasp this. OP you are aware of your own ‘flaw’, and I’m pretty sure you try your best to manage something that’s horribly difficult on a daily basis. It’s a good thing you are aware as you can put this in place with people when you meet, maybe pre discuss that you will try your best to be on time but this might not always happen and that you find this difficult. It will be easier for people to accept going forwards.

Im sorry about the people on this thread who are ignorant to neurodiverse struggles, don’t take them personally, you sound like you genuinely care for your friend and want to try your best. Keep putting the effort in and hopefully you will manage some structure with this over time!

@dolor I’m sorry to hear you feel like this every day.

my partner has adhd and as much as he struggles with jobs and time and oh my days, his million alarms! He also has some other wonderful traits that come with it as I’m sure you do also!

If someone makes you feel like shit, they aren't a friend you want to have. Good if they let you know early.

I have a friend who is often 2,3,4 hours late. I've had them drop something off at 11pm when they were due at 2pm. I'd never see a film with them (unless they were paying for themselves and I could enjoy it alone if they don't show up in time) but I've adapted by letting them come to my home on days when I plan to hang around there anyway. When they come, we have coffee. We have our own kind of friendship because I'm aware of the issues and can find a work around. The main thing I remember is she cared enough to come to my child's funeral. She arrived half way through but she showed up at all, and that's good enough for me.

If someone is a good friend, they'll adapt if they know there are issues. If I don't know, I'll probably work out in time that they probably have ADHD diagnosed or not, but I'll be more accepting if I know in advance.

Not everyone is a compatible friend, so find those who are.

I have a slightly different take on this. I have high functioning anxiety and panic about arriving to places on time. I always make sure that I'm on time for any plans I've made as I don't like to make people think I'm flaky. This is part of an ongoing anxiety issue I have (yes I do have therapy for it and I'm a lot better than I used to be).
Because of this when people keep me waiting it often triggers a feeling of panic in me. Are they on their way? Have they been held up? Have they forgotten about meeting? Which spirals into panic and paranoia. A lot of people with anxiety have triggers like this and to be honest I get fed up of people dismissing me and making out I'm overreacting. If you cancel on someone or keep them waiting continuously, while you figure out what you're doing, you are telling that person that their anxiety and time isn't as important as yours.
I have been honest with my loved ones and friends and it's much improved but there are some that still act like it's just me being over sensitive. Your friend may have just been pushed past her tolerance level this time. I've been very close on some occasions. Sorry for the essay but just sometimes you need to see that the other person may be going through stuff too.

So I have alot of exposure to German culture and Germans where being on time is critical to their social interaction. I don't know any that can not, or indeed do not, do it. So either the disability that causes this is either not prevalent in the German population, is managed by German people because it is important they do, or doesn't exist as it is portrayed here, or German people suffering from time blindness just do not leave their house. How does it work in societies where being on time is critical to all social interactions.

I have a family meme bee with adhd so have been doing quite a bit of research recently,

I really sympathise with your time blindness but can also understand her frustration

One aspect of adhd I was less familiar with until recently is that many are hyper-sensitive to criticism and are hurt really easily and take it it heart. More Mai adults with adhd than children.

Could this be part of the issue? Maybe she's been slightly annoyed at your continued lateness and you've really taken it or heart (t rather than her exploding)?

How does it work in societies where being on time is critical to all social interactions.

Like it is in this society.

hard agree. Do all you sniffy ones not understand that it is a neuro disorder? We perceive things differently, and our executive function - our ability to make ourselves do things - doesn't work like yours. We are not motivated by reward or often even by fear (though we definitely feel the stress of the fear) unless the end point is catastrophe. Only by interest (this is more like obsession than whether or not we like a given thing/person or not)

To all the people claiming that those of us with ADHD time blindness don’t care about other people’s time, that we’re rude and disrespectful for being late: most of us do care very much and we feel terrible when we keep people waiting. But unfortunately time is linear. If we could go back and magically be on time, of course we would. We’re not doing it deliberately, so please don’t take it personally.

Many of us have felt defective and even suicidal our whole lives, constantly berated by others for things that we struggle to control. And diagnosis/treatment is incredibly hard to access. I’ve only recently learned I have ADHD and I’ve been on a waiting list for diagnosis for nearly 3 years. I’ve struggled my whole life with “basic” stuff, was unable to complete uni, have difficulty holding down jobs and maintaining relationships, even focusing on hobbies and interests. The ability to function as a “normal” adult has always eluded me. The social, financial and career cost is huge. I’m not saying this in a bid for pity, just to illustrate how difficult it can be. You have no idea. Our ADHD symptoms are not a slight against anybody else.

Whoops sorry I did not mean to quote you there @ClareBlue. Was responding to your comment and then went on a different tangent.

My point is that it is exceptionally rare for Germans to be late but here we have pages of people saying they are late because of a disability and they genuinely can not help it and without doubt lateness, for whatever reason, is móre prevalent in different societies. So it's not the same at all. Either there isn't the same prevalence of the disability or they have learned strategies to deal with it or some other reason.