Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Hugs dear friend. Hugs. Being human is a challenge enough without being ND. It provides an incredible mind but oh at what a price.

and all these NTs pouring in just sounding off. They haven’t got a clue how hard it all is.

Stop being so ableist and educate yourself on a hidden disability. You might not be able to see it but it sure as hell exists

That cuts both ways.

stop being so ableist by ignoring the effects chronic lateness can have on people with hidden disabilities like depression and anxiety. You might not be able to see the detrimental effect habitual lateness has on these people, but don’t kid yourself that it doesn’t have a negative effect, because it sure as hell does.

"Just find the self discipline"

Read the fucking room will you.

Just absorb some of what's being said - if it was that simple do you not think that everyone here that suffers with it wouldn't just do it?

I am sick of having to fight this ignorant, minimising, ableist small minded bullshit every day of my fucking life. Just fuck off.

Not to the same level as someone with ADHD. I'm sorry but you have zero understanding of it clearly.

And as for the ' bet you turn up for work/school etc on time' comments - No, no we don't- I've missed flights, I've lost jobs, I've missed exams, missed my children's concerts ad nauseum - Having adhd has severely limited my opportunities and career choices over the years. Having a fucking smart phone does not compensate for the bloody lack of executive function.
I'm very bright and do have strategies I use but frankly it's exhausting and I 'forget' to use them, building habits helps but takes longer and more effort than for anyone NT it's constant and its it's about every aspect of your life for all your life.

OP didn't say her friend suffered from depression or anxiety - so this doesn't apply.

Stop making excuses where there are valid ones already present.

You're just arguing for the sake of arguing. 👏

all these NTs pouring in just sounding off. They haven’t got a clue how hard it all is

how ableist.

You can be NT and have a crippling mental illness that affects every moment of your life.

you don’t have a clue about how awful a trigger chronic lateness can have on people and you clearly don’t care either.

to be blunt - it makes me suicidal.
It confirms to me that I am not worth anything.
i can do without this sort of affirmation, thank you very much. I have enough intrusive thoughts as it is.

Perfect response!👌

I am talking about the effects this has on me.

it is not “an excuse” and you are being disablist

This was never about you and your mental illness. It was about OP and her friend.

You do know that people who are ND are 5 times more likely to suffer from mental illness than NT?

I'm sorry you're suffering - but there are others out there who are equally, if not more, challenged.

Educate yourself on executive dysfunction. It’s a hidden disability. you wouldn’t tell a person in a wheelchair to stand up and walk

The two are not analogous. You are either a wheelchair user or you are not, but there is a massive overlap between ND and NT behaviours, with no definitive demarcation line.

I am sure that most NT people reading that list of problems with executive dysfunction would recognise them, because everyone has problems with those things to some extent - the difference is that ND people have problems to the point that it becomes disabling.

It's easy to bandy around accusations of being ableist, but many wheelchair users and their families would find it pretty insulting to compare the physical, emotional and social disability caused by needing a wheelchair with the disability caused by struggling to switch between tasks.

Then so are you. Touché!

I have found this entire thread insulting at the level at which people refuse to understand the impact and difficulty of what it's like to have ADHD or be ND in other ways.

Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean to say it doesn't exist.

The lack of compassion has been horrifying.

And to say there's no definite demarcation line.

Say what??

So if your have a diagnosis of ADHD that's not a demarcation??

Ah but that's right, we're supposed to just suck it up as a ND person because we're all so similar...

When did you become qualified to say who does and doesn't have a disability?

The lack of compassion has been horrifying

It's just so fucking depressing. I had no idea there was such a high level of discrimination aimed at people with ADHD. My dd has just been diagnosed and it makes me really fearful for her future. I thought that there was far more understanding and support around these days especially in schools and workplaces compared to when I was younger but fuck me, the ignorance and dismissiveness towards ND on this thread is frightening. I hope the OK has hidden this thread, it's an absolute disgrace

Sisimone I had no idea either at the level of discrimination either

I would never make excuses for behaviours however it's the feeling of attack that runs through this thread which is alarming

I admit I have been late many times for different things....Uni, work, getting DC out to school, health appointments, you name it. It isn't every time as my symptoms are not the same every day. If I have something on my mind then I'm overly distracted. I will sit procrastinating for ages before starting to get ready. I could be drying my hair and see something out the corner of my eye and stop what I'm doing to go get it. Then get distracted away from that and so on.

Believe me I feel absolutely shit when I'm late for anything. Especially when it affects anyone else. I'll beat myself up if I miss the train to go shopping on my own, as once again I have failed.

You could give me every app, alarm, organiser out there. But if I become distracted at any stage then that's it... I'm off. Some days are worse than others. Some days I feel my medication is working, other days not so much.

I'm not looking for anyone to excuse the behaviour or traits. It would just be nice not to be minimised and made out to be exaggerating.

I always thought these traits were a symptom of anxiety and depression which have plagued me for years. I cried when diagnosed with adhd because it was then I knew I wouldn't "recover" and I was trapped for life. Yes meds can help, therapy and strategies too. But it can take just one thing, one thought then my day snowballs

Please don't be so harsh to us. We didn't ask for this. Nobody is making excuses, we just don't want to feel attacked.

If she knows u that well then what she shld do is say meet me at 1pm. But what she actually means is meet me at 1.15pm😂 if u have a friend like this u need to know how to handle their lateness!

I wouldn't get worked up about 5/10mins. I'd however u were turning up very late all the time then that's different.

If you expect understanding and compassion for your MH issues you could show some understanding and compassion to ND people who’ve explained over and over again how their minds work. It cuts both ways. And yes, I’ve had severe depression before you tell me I don’t know what it’s like. Your reaction to people being late is hugely magnified by your depression.

I can empathise with someone who has ADHD and struggles with executive function but, based on this thread, it appears that most people with ADHD are unable to process how their actions might affect others at all. It’s all how my ADHD affects me which is why I asked earlier whether people with ADHD also have difficulties with empathy. Call this ableist if you wish and come at me with “of course they empathise” but most of the posts here show a serious lack of the latter.

A good friend of mine is almost always late, say ten minutes or so. She hasn’t got ADHD. I recognise she’s usually late and I don’t care. She isn’t late because she doesn’t care, it’s just the way she is. I’d never call her out on this, we’re friends.

I wanted to say this but couldn't find the right words. I have autism and ADHD myself and yet all I'm hearing is 'me, me, me' and I don't think it does us any favours to argue so passionately that we are completely unreliable and should never be held to account.

Yep. Very little accountability shown here.

To draw a parallel... I have generalised anxiety. One of my triggers is my loved ones driving long distances because I worry about car accidents.

Would it help me tremendously if they agreed to text me every 20 minutes or enable share location on their phones so I can breathe easy knowing they are alive? Yes it would. Would they accommodate me if I asked? Probably.

However, I wouldn't dream to impose that on them because my anxiety is my problem to deal with, not theirs. It is unreasonable to make them responsible for keeping me afloat. It's on me to find ways to reassure myself and cope with my distress in a way that doesn't ask too much of them. I take accountability.

This is why i honestly find this lax attitude of "but i have ADHD and you're not allowed to protest when i inconvenience you" just a tad bit annoying.

Indeed. I have a physical disability that affects walking and (sometimes) driving.

I'd be hurt and pissed off if my friends made fun of me, or got annoyed if I couldn't keep up with them. But, equally, for an activity involving walking or driving, I try not to affect other people's comfort or enjoyment. For example, I wouldn't assume that someone else was happy to drive because I couldn't. I recognise that my disability has an impact on other people and I do try to minimise that impact.

Having a disability doesn't mean you're entitled to disregard other people's well-being.