Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Just so folks have a bit more understanding of ADHD, anxiety (and depression) often go hand in hand with ADHD.

Some people with ADHD, like myself, are so anxious about being late, they are wayyyy too early, which I’m seeing in some comments from pp with ADHD.

I have always been incredibly early to any event, appointment or social engagement, as in an hour early!

However, I really struggle with getting the right information down to make the correct time! I have turned up a day early for my bus/train/flight when travelling (a fair few times) and have turned up to appointments a week (or month!!) early. I have no trouble with being early, but wow do I struggle with getting the right date!!

So even though I’m early, I would never have a go at someone who is chronically late due to their ADHD, it’s bloody hard!! It’s hard to be told all your life that you’re stupid and lazy, dumb etc. Try and have a bit of compassion for people who can’t seem to get it right, no matter how hard they try!!

Parts of this thread are so depressing.

Before I was diagnosed, as an adult, the bullying that was dished out in my direction for behaviours that I simply couldn't fix led me to the brink of suicide.

You simply can't explain where the time has gone, why you forgot that thing or got the date or time wrong for something else. You desperately want to "fix" yourself.

Others try to suggest strategies to you that for them are as natural as breathing (keep a diary, make a list, "just do it, you can if you try"). Their frustration is understandable.

You become ground down, despite hiding your distress and having to pick yourself up and make excuses for yourself daily that start to wear thin. The self loathing starts then, driven by the mocking, the RSD, watching your peers succeeding in ways that you struggle so hard to match.

You hide all this, you mask it and frantically try to make it look like it's all ok on the surface, when you are expending 5x the energy on keeping it together that anyone else has to.

Some days you slip up, and it all crashes down, you burn out through the endless chatter of your brain trying to divert you from what you NEED to get done, but the dopamine pathways in your brain don't play ball. You pull all nighters to meet deadlines because the only thing that kicks you into gear is the horrible, gut wrenching, exhausting kick of adrenaline that gets you started because you're finally backed into a corner.

Then you might be lucky enough to get support, a diagnosis, some medication that wrecks your blood pressure and burns you out at the end of each week with a comedown that you haven't had since your twenties.

You realise that the wine on a Friday is to shut your whirring brain up and you start to wonder about your best mate, dead of a heart attack at 42 due to alcohol that you bonded with at school because you were so alike in many ways. He self medicated himself to death because he was mocked, his distress minimised.

You start to see it in your own children, you get them support, your family minimise and you fear that your friends are mocking when you come out with it. You open up at work, some are sympathetic, some clearly think you're taking the piss.

What do we do? It's a fucking horrible condition at the end of the day.

Some of the comments on this thread are disappointing, disturbing even. It's real, very real, I'd love to have this out face to face with some of you as you clearly need to get the message. Damn right it shouldn't be used as an excuse, but it is a reason. A fucking good one.

To the the rest of the ND tribe. I'm sorry we have to deal with this ignorance, but things are improving, slowly.

Do you mean 5–10 minutes? I can't imagine anyone being upset by this level of lateness.

I'd put money on it being that you're more than 10 minutes late a lot of the time. I say this as someone who also struggles to get to places on time due to my 'time blindness/optimism'.

Yes, the diagnosis gives you license to berate yourself less for your behaviours but it also means you can try to navigate these issues. The 'How to ADHD' videos have some good tips on time management.

Got a friend who has never been on time in the 25 years l have known her. Just don't understand why her time is more important that mine so l rarely meet her nowadays.

In some countries, like my husbands, being on time is considered very rude! People expect others to be late and tend to book longer social events, long meals out etc, and don't get stressed if people turn up halfway through the evening; they also socialize a lot at home so no need to go apeshit if someone is 5 min late. There's a huge etiquette and social norm around being on time. I don't consider it a moral failing if people are late, and I'm able to deal with it by reading a book/going on phone and appreciate them letting me know if they are running a bit behind. I also am late occasionally myself, even leaving extra time, and again I would just let people know. I can't imagine getting angry over a person 10 min late but I don't explode at any friends ever, because friends are not people I explode at, neither do I want them to explode at me. If they don't want to be friends, fine, but no need for the explosion drama crap, especially if they know you have ADHD!

Spot on!! 😭

you are expending 5x the energy on keeping it together that anyone else has to

How can you possibly know this? It is tempting for everyone to think i'll just check my messages, go on mumsnet 5 mins do x, y ,z instead of having the self discipline to tell yourself 'no' i really need to get ready or i will be late. Procraatination and temptation are something everybody has to overcome

That was to ADHDChange’s post!

You clearly know absolutely nothing about ADHD. If you have complete ignorance about something then why comment? Just makes you look stupid, ignorant and quite frankly a complete fucking arsehole. Maybe you should find yourself a 'work around' for that.

Realmsofglory, how often do you get into that hyperfocus zone? Where you can be doing something random for hours, not realising how much time you’ve spent on it…?

That alone sucks time out of your day. The other morning I looked at my nail polish and thought I’d like a light pink /nude one. Two hrs later and I was still mixing my various nail polishes together to get just the right shade! I thought it had been about 20 mins. Totally random and out of the blue. When do you do this?? Daily? Weekly? Never? Like I said, a bit of compassion for the neurodiverse wouldn’t go astray

Some of the comments here are so depressing to me as someone with ADHD. No, don’t think our time is more important than yours. We are usually mortified, ashamed and apologetic when we realise we’re going to be late yet again. I wish some of you could understand just how frustrating, disorientating and distressing time blindness can be. Sure, there are strategies that we can use to mitigate the issues, but it takes a huge amount of effort and we don’t get it right all of the time.

This thread has really upset me.

I was diagnosed with adhd at 40. I spent my entire life struggling from one situation to the next and not understanding why I was struggling. I went private because I started a new job and was on probation. It was clear I was at risk of not being kept on.

My job is remote and I really struggled with being trained virtually. I forgot what was taught verbally. Put off the more tricky tasks until the end, then struggled to go back to them. Shocking time management. Whizzed through my proof reading and so many mistakes were picked up at audit. Honestly, so many issues. And yes I struggled in previous jobs but more so in this one as it's completely remote.

Anyway, was assessed and diagnosed, started on medication around 6/7 months ago and I'm still not stabilised and it's still being titrated. Costing me a small fortune.

I've went through feelings of relief, anger, shame...the lot, since diagnosis. My GP has refused shared care because I was diagnosed privately. So I pay a consultation fee £120, £30 to have my prescription completed and then the cost of the meds (can vary depending on the dose etc. Generally £60-£80).

I did get kept on in my job and had OH and Access To Work assessments carried out. My employer hasn't taken them on board. Everyone in the team has had their workload increased by 25%. Me plus one other have also been assigned to a task which is very "fiddly", lots of switching between tasks, it invites lots of email queries. I'm really struggling with it and it holds me back from my main role, and I often work at least an hour extra each evening to finish up. (There was a recent thread about high earners working unpaid OT. I'm not a high earner). I spend my evening mentally exhausted and unable to do much, and I beat myself up for being so useless. I've been off work sick for 4 working days

I disclosed to some close friends about my diagnosis. To me it was massive. To them it wasn't a big deal. Nothing was mentioned, as though I hadn't said it. (Was over messages as my various friends have stopped socialising as much since lockdown).

So yeh, I already feel shame that my GP is choosing to ignore the diagnosis. Feeling shame and as though I'm shit at my job because I'm sinking and no reasonable adjustments have been put in place. Feel shit and like a failure that I'm off sick. And I feel shit that nobody really acknowledged how huge this was for me.

So yeh, thanks everyone.

@lightgreyandpalepink
Solidarity ✊

This thread has really upset me.

Yes, I'm sure it must have upset the OP, too. It's upsetting for me as an Audhder, though with diagnosis only as autistic. My dd, 40, is recently diagnosed ADHD and has finally got some meds, which are making a big difference.

I told her about this thread. She says it's 'rampant ablesim, and internalised ableism, too.' I can see that.

Neurodivergents out there, we don't have to expose our souls for the delectation of online neurotypicals, or justify the differences in our wiring from the those of NDs who think they are masking more effectively.

Stay strong. We've fought our way through life and reached this point. Don't let anyone undermine your self-esteem.

😂

I will be honest and say that I cooled off a friendship over chronic lateness. I have lately wondered if I might be ND as I can be very rigid about things and cannot stand people being late all the time.

I had a friend who was always late but never by the same amount of time, sometimes 5/10 mins, sometimes half an hour. We missed cinema showings, lost dinner reservations and so many other things because she was always late. I started phoning her before I left the house, set alarms to remind her that we were due to meet at x time but she said I stressed her out.

I sometimes wonder if she had ADHD as she just seemed to struggle with time and even lost jobs over it. She once missed a holiday because her family got on the flight but she arrived after the gates had closed. But the final straw was when she turned up half an hour late to a friend's wedding and was really disruptive outside when they wouldn't let her in.

She wasn't apologetic and thought people should just wait for her. She refused to try and strategies and said we should just accept her. People just got tired of it and it was making me really stressed and unhappy. We even tried telling her an earlier start time for things and she was still late. Eventually the group stopped inviting her to anything with a set time and she got upset. I just couldn't do it anymore.

@Sisisimone maybe thats true and i am but i do think there needs to be some thought for getting places on time if you have time blindness. What will people who have children on this thread do if they have to drop kids off for exams and stuff? Sorry you failed all your GCSEs DC. You got there late so couldnt sit them...?! Do they get special consideration for not getting to school on time or are they punished for frequent unauthorised absences?

The Op doesn't sound entitled or rude about her lateness, she sounds apologetic and a good friend in other ways. Op you say you don't really like your friend sometimes, so I'd just avoid for now. Some of the comments on here like 'get some self-discipline' are just awful, if I had to choose between the late people who are nice and the on-time judgemental righteous ones who make lateness a moral failing, I know which way I'm going!

Stop being so ableist and educate yourself on a hidden disability. You might not be able to see it but it sure as hell exists.

ADHD exists, get over it.

You wouldn’t tell a person in a wheelchair to walk.

Why is it ok to bully someone with time blindness?

I have ADHD, am 42, and have been like this all my life. Being aware of the fact often doesn't help. I still underestimate how long it takes me to do things, and am very easily distracted. We mask. It is exhausting. I try to be organised, and do get to places on time, but at times, I don't. And I feel terrible.

Thank you - this image is exactly me, and several other people too, I imagine. It is not laziness.

Neurodivergents out there, we don't have to expose our souls for the delectation of online neurotypicals, or justify the differences in our wiring from the those of NDs who think they are masking more effectively.

if you want to keep friends and you are chronically late because you are ND then you are going to have to bite the bullet and at least give them some clue, or else they'll keep bugging you about being late. It is give and take, isn't it?

There are plenty of posters on here who make adjustments for their friends according to circumstance, but who is going to make adjustments for anyone who is always late, and won't tell you why? In that case it is hardly ableist to tell them to stop being rude and stop seeing them. How can it? they don't know that it is the ADHD (or whatever) making you late.

And in turn your friends will then know it's not intentional and adopt strategies: not meet up if time is going to be an issue, meet in groups so they're not waiting alone etc etc.

PP up there mentioned the time thing, where they were doing nail polish for what seemed like 20 minutes to them but was, in reality, several hours. So if someone is saying "i don't get why my friends are mad because i'm only 5-10 minutes late" there is a chance that it is way longer, right?

Educate yourself on executive dysfunction. It’s a hidden disability.

you wouldn’t tell a person in a wheelchair to stand up and walk.

why is it ok to bully someone for time blindness.

and for the record the long list you’ve made there, people struggle enormously with all of them.

thank your lucky stars you don’t have it. As otherwise I’m sure you’d be more understanding.

@BleuNoir The times I have spent in tears, beating myself up for all the things in your image.

I'm a STEM lecturer. When I am in class or the lecture theatre, I'm brilliant. When I am preparing for the sessions, I'm a wreck.