DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

I'm sorry to say that from what you've written in your posts, I'm not sure you're taking enough responsibility for the situation. I don't feel that you really understand the impact on your partner.

I've had three children and I understand the lack of labido that comes with breastfeeding, ppd etc. I've been there.

But I find it strange that you just assumed he had no problem with it. That you hadn't already checked in to make sure he's ok. That you think it's ok to say "just do it" or words to that effect during sex.

You seem to be very focussed on your lack of labido and have no other insight into your partner and how he feels.

Why did you feel the need to make your sex 8 months ago so unsexy?

Why do you think someone would be happy to wait half a decade, if not longer, for their sex life to return at the mercy of someone else, with no communication about it?

Why do you think, at a time with your husband is reaching out to you, inevitably before deciding to end things, it's a good idea to sleep apart? Just because that's how you've dealt with things in the past.

If you want your relationship to survive, then you need to take some accountability. You need to make some changes. You need to be flexible and give more.

Absolutely agree with this

So annoying this football 😅

Sorry. Wrong thread.

To be fair to DH, he's not pestering me, this is the first time he's brought it up

I don't think it's ideal that his first time saying to you that it's such an issue for him, is to say he wants to shag other people.

And the way these types of issues usually build and burst in marriages, it is quite likely that he has brought this up at other times over the years, in other ways, and his wife simply dismissed him.

Excellent post. Agree with all of this.

I 100% think you're doing the right things. Though I think it is understandable that you're a bit hurt by these revelations, I cannot say that you should should surprised by them. To think that porn and masterbation could even come close to replacing the closeness and intimacy if being with your partner is incredibly naieve.

The doctors is a good bet too.

A bit crude, but maybe you could start masterbating yourself. Get relaxed, have a bath and get back in touch with that side of yourself

To think that porn and masterbation could even come close to replacing the closeness and intimacy if being with your partner is incredibly naieve.

But it does reflect what a number of posters in this thread seem to believe, which is that sex for men means nothing more than getting off. Which would help explain why they view this situation as they do.

@samyeagar yet they all accept that an open marriage brings the risk of him finding someone else. If it were just about sex that wouldn't be an issue. Humans need intimacy and connection, especially with the person they're spending the rest of their lives with. 5 years is a very long time to assume that your partner is perfectly fine with basically not having sex.

I do agree with posters above that op needs to take more responsibility for this specific issue in their marriage. She has described him as a doting husband who pulls his weight. The problem as described very much lays at ops feet, though it is a problem that will require both to resolve

To think that porn and masterbation could even come close to replacing the closeness and intimacy if being with your partner is incredibly naieve.

Incredibly naive to think that most men aren't wanking over porn regularly and at all bother about regular sex. Most of them can't get it even if they wanted it. Most men are deeply unnattractive to women anyway.

This is really sad. My husband and I have been through a bad dry spell twice. The first time was because of me. My birth control killed my drive. It lasted a year before we figured it out. The second was because my husband was depressed. On the other side I realized what it must have done to him when I was on the birth control. I felt so unattractive, my self esteem took a nose dive and I felt guilty asking for sex and I began to just keep to myself and wondered if this was what it would always be like. The few times we did have sex I felt shamed and just wanted to get it over with. When it stopped I was relieved but it took me a long time to start to trust him again.

It takes a big psychological toll on a person. You need to understand that men need love too. Not just the physical kind but they need cuddles and kisses and to feel genuinely wanted. Not just a warm body to get off to.

They have been together 15 years. No matter what their age it would be natural for the passion to cool off a bit after being together that length of time.

Sex infrequently sounds entirely normal with small children. The problem is women brought up on More magazine and Cosmopolitan position of the fortnight and men brought up with porn.

Regular sex is not a necessary norm in a relationship or otherwise, we've been sold a pup by the patriarchy since the Pill arrived. Before that couples did not have regular sex unless they wanted a baby every year.

Have a nice cuddle, there are plenty of ways to have intimate relations without intercourse (how unimaginative and heteronormative most posters are here) And if you need an orgasm, there are plenty of ways to do that without PIV sex.

Most men are deeply unnattractive to women anyway.

Christ! Someone has serious issues with men.

Someone is deluded about what women think about men. Most men are about as attractive as an elephant's arsehole, but their opinion of themselves is somewhere is somewhere around "Young David Beckham. If I suck my belly in a bit."

Someone has very, very serious issues with men and thinks their distorted and unhealthy view of men is normal.

Yeah I do have serious issues with men. Why are so many of their number in prison for violent and sexual offences? Why are women sexually harrassed on a daily basis? What is actually the fuck wrong with a significant number of men?

Wow. I won't respond to this unhinged attack except to say it's been reported.

Sex therapist

basically

you need to try something here

he’s been very honest I’d say

it’s very cruel how women lose their libido with small kids and it causes so many issues

i dont think a decent sex therapist would blame you either
come on this happens all the time

no need to answer
but are you wanking ? Reading sexy books
can you experiment on your own a bit ?

I don’t think you can run away from this
I’m sure you want to as it’s scary

I don’t think we should be looking back to ancient times for the secret to a healthy marriage and sex life. Do you need to be reminded that marital rape was not legally recognized and brothels were common place? Or about the fact that divorce was illegal and women were considered property? Or did you want to talk about the fact that physical abuse against women was just a fact of life?

People like sex. Lack of sex is a deal breaker whether you like it or not or whether you think it is sexist or not. This is happening in 2022.

why did you feel the need to make your sex 8 months ago so unsexy?

She didn't "make it unsexy". It wasn't sexy for her because she didn't want it, was doing it because she felt like she ought to.

I think being so obviously reluctant was a bad idea and hurtful (if you're going to do duty sex to keep your partner happy, you need to do it in a way that might actually keep them happy or what's the point?), but it's a cri de coeur, isn't it? A reaction to the frustration of having no libido but knowing you need to do something for your partner if you want to be a good wife. None of that pressure (on yourself, not from him before all the applicants for the position of DH's second wife jump down my throat) is sexy.

So what you're basically saying is "why did you feel the need to be so honest with your partner about how you felt instead of pretending you were fine?" When apparently the DH doing the same thing with the OP has elevated him to sainthood in the eyes of most on here.

If you do have 'serious issued with men' then there's not really much point in you posting in this thread, is there? The OP asked for and is getting good advice about trying to address her marriage problems in a way that suits both parties, and posts that show a clear prejudice towards one of the parties are probably not that helpful to her

My mind actually boggles that people are managing to interpret me saying the OP is being treated like a broken sex puppet as me saying that female sexuality doesn't exist, that sex isn't about mutual pleasure and connection etc. The whole point is that female sexuality IS real (that's why it's called a LOSS of libido, it is a loss, almost a bloody bereavement in my case, I missed my sex drive so much), and that sex SHOULD be a result of mutual desire resulting in mutual pleasure, not one party dutifully performing to service the other parties "needs". So when instead people are describing it as something the OP owes her DH because they are married, advising her to fake it til she makes it or go and get herself medicated to simulate a functional libido, or go to therapy so she can spend time trying to pin her loss of libido on some psychological shortcoming when it is more than likely just the very very common physiological reaction to pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, small kids and no sleep - she is being treated like defective product rather than a human being whose actual desire and pleasure is important.

In an ideal world, no-one would be having sex without both parties enthusiastically and spontaneously wanting it. In reality, in a marriage/LTR, especially one with kids, there will have to be some compromise on quality for the sake of frequency. But I don't see why this can't be worked on together as a shared issue - our libidos are currently mismatched, what shall we do about it - rather than it being an accusatory " YOUR libido has vanished, this is not acceptable, how do we fix you?"

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen if a man had psycholigical ED in a marriage, would it make him a sex puppet to suggest he goes to his doctor or goes to a therapist or tries other things? Its not a like for like comparison obviously because for most women it isn't about their organs not functioning.