Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@BlueTick I did search but couldn't find it unfortunately.

Welcome to you too @DeepThought42
And 👋👋 to all the lurkers :)

Welcome to all sharing this experience. You're not going mad. Read the threads and see the absolute commonality of our experience.

It is all deeply sad. My husband is not a bad man. He is in fact a decent and talented man within his own frame of reference. That doesn't change the fact that I am dying of loneliness being married to him. It doesn't change the fact that elements of his behaviour are abusive, even if unintentionally. In a sense his intentions mean less than the impact he has on me.

We matter too 💜

Comically I already know the woman who will target him when we split. I don't even know which one of them is in more need of a warning about what their relationship is likely to bring.

I think it’s possible that one of you on here is frustrated by being married to Neil Gaiman.

I have this on my running music. Cathartic

I've been reading and reading and reading this thread and finding such commonalities in what's been writtten and my current life with my DH.

I'm not sure where i'm going with this post tbh but i feel like i'm going round in circles so i want to ask can anybody help me understand, come to terms with even, about what my expectations should be around what my asd DH should be giving in terms of participating, meeting needs in our relationship?

I've read so much about ND and NT relationships and how they can work but it takes effort. But it reads to me that most of that effort has to come from me (NT), that i'm the one who has to make allowances, acknowledge the struggles, constantly explain my needs/wants to DH and to be brutally honest i'm really struggling with that.

Our marriage is currently in a crisis because i cannot keep on explaining the same things over and over and over and over again.
I can accept and find peace with aspects of our relationships which he will never find easy or that come 'naturally' to him but what i'm railing against is the fact that somewhere in all of this it almost feels like a get out of jail free card for him and i have to suck it up. He's a bloody smart man, he's kind, he will do anything i ask of him in the physical sense but trying to get him to remember some of my triggers, lets say, or to not do things i ask him not to, just simple basic things which have been my baisc makeup for years seems impossible.

This isn't me bashing anybody with ASD. I'm realising and coming to terms with aspects of our relationship which he will never 'get' and i understand that it isn't a reflection on me nor is it of him, its just who he is but by god, it's hard and i don't even think i've articulated it very well at all for all my waffle above.
I'm angry and lost and resentful and bitter and confused and did i mention angry?

Everything you have said sounds like my relationship. I think I'm pretty patient, but when I've repeated myself over and over and it still hasn't sunk in its soooo frustrating! I try to be accomodating but sometimes I wish he could spare a thought for me too! I love him, he's amazing about 80% of the time but we go in circles and when he's stressed and overwhelmed, anything anybody else needs is forgotten.

I sometimes think of a relationship as having a mirror held up. So when I'm with old friends the mirror shows a younger, more footloose reflection of me because that's how they see me. My colleagues reflect my serious side, my parents and I rewind to teen behaviour.
The mirror my husband holds is just a weird fairground one, does he really see me like that? Does he have no memories of me? Most of the time the mirror just faces him, and he gets a double reflection of himself, his version and the one from the mirror I hold.
It's really important to keep a sense of self, get outside verification. It makes you incredibly vulnerable when you have no reflection.

@RabbitRussell I often think that my relationship with DW is like having a filter between us, what goes in in one direction doesn't (rarely) come out the other side with the same understanding

This is where dh and I are right now. Fucking circles. We are having an issue right now, a reoccurring one, one I feel like we have to talked to death in the past, promises have been made, lots of yep I understand where you are coming from, I'm sorry I made you feel that way it was never my intention, plans made to meet each other halfnway etc. I tell dh tonight that this issue is still bothering me, promises from the past broken and he gets all wide eyed like this is the first he's heard of it, he thought we were doing great etc. We sometimes communicate issues via email because writing it down gives him time to process it all and can stop the defensive shutting down so this time I had enough and I forwarded him emails dating back to 2011 where I raised the same issue. Then one from a year later, from 2 years later you get the idea and this is not including all of the verbal conversations the last one was just about 4 months ago. So why are we still here in 2023 acting like this is something I've just pulled out of my arse to bamboozle him?

I love him, he's a good man but my patience is gone. It shouldn't be this hard. I don't ask for a lot, our relationship has taught me so much independence, I don't actually need him for anything but I want him, I just feel really lonely and sad this tonight.

Gosh so much of all of these post is familiar. I can’t offer advice only to say that I totally get where you are coming from xx

Hi All, new thread here

Hi, sorry to keep bobbing in and asking questions but if you all don't mind, I'd like to explain something that happened yesterday which is representative of the problems between me and DP; things that might look small to others, just spiral.

We took the children to a theme park yesterday.

DP had told me the day before that he wasn't going to walk round with us this time, as he has had spinal surgery a few years ago which left him with a significant limp and he is now very unfit, so doesn't walk very quickly and gets tired easily.

I was fine with that as we can move more quickly without him and also I wouldn't want him feeling uncomfortable.

I did say however, that if my DD and I wanted to go on one of the bigger rides that DS1 and DS2 didn't want to go on, DP would need to meet us to watch the DS'. He nodded in agreement.

When we got there, DP said he wasn't going to rush off immediately but then said his goodbyes when we got to a big hill.

An hour later, DD felt sick and dizzy so I phoned DP who had the bag with the food in, to come and meet us, which he duly did.
He chose to hang around whilst we went on a smaller ride and when we got off, I asked what he was going to do; he said he didn't know - "just walk around and try and get warm, I suppose".

I mentioned that we had planned to go on one of the larger rides but DS2 didn't really fancy it, partner just looked at me blankly.
I tried again; "DS2 doesn't want to go on this ride and I don't think it's fair to force him to go on it if he doesn't want to, so maybe you could watch him while the rest of us go on it?".
At this point, DS1 piped up that he wasn't fussed about going on the ride either and so I was umming and ahhing about what to do, as DD really wanted to go on the ride but not on her own.

DP didn't offer any help and muttered something that I didn't quite catch, so I asked him what he had said and he said it didn't matter (looking annoyed), I pressed again and he said "we agreed I wouldn't have to watch the children".

This riled me up as I felt he was being inflexible and selfish, I said as much to him and reminded him that we'd spoken about the possibility of him keeping an eye on anyone who didn't want to go on the big rides, whilst the rest if us were on them. DP said "why can't DS1 and DS2 just go on the smaller rides together and you and DD go on your big ride?".
I left it at that, DP walked off one way and we walked the other.

Later on, myself and the children were having lunch and we saw DP walking past - he didn't seem to notice us and DD wanted me to go and fetch him so I did, he raised his eyebrows in recognition when I shouted him but didn't look too pleased to see me, I told him DD had sent me to fetch him and he said something like "so you didn't want to come and get me??" - I ignored that comment and he followed me back to where we were sitting where for 30 minutes he didn't speak and stood to one side of us, looking sullen.
I didn't make much of an effort to speak but the couple of times I tried I didn't really get much response.
After we'd finished eating, I told him we should be ready for home in around an hour and a half and asked if he was going to go off on his own for a bit longer; he said yes and we went our separate ways again.

When we met up at the end of the day he was still quiet, but we got home and he took some ibuprofen for a headache he'd apparently had all day, so I left it at that and eventually over the course of the evening, the atmosphere thawed.

But, this kind of thing happens a lot; DS1 is almost 16 but autistic; can be trusted to an extent but still gets overexcited and silly, does things without thinking sometimes and I don't like to leave him completely alone to look after DS2 who is almost 12 but has ADHD and is more like an 8-9 year old in some ways (his emotional regulation/judgement skills, for example).

Bearing in mind that I think DP might be autistic as he shares a lot of his personality quirks with DS1 but he hasn't been formally diagnosed, I genuinely can't work out how I should have handled the situation I described above, or situations like it; where I ask DP for help beyond what he's agreed to and he either seems to make such a fuss about it that I give up or flat out refuses like yesterday. I realise that calling him selfish wasn't massively helpful but I just wish he was flexible enough to go "ok, I was expecting to be able to go and sit in a coffee shop for the next hour, but my partner needs help so I don't mind watching the children for an hour to make her life easier".
Granted, it wasn't very warm yesterday and had started to drizzle at that point but he's just never helpful when it comes to the children (they're not his biologically btw but we've been together since 2015) - DS1 goes to the gym and DP always makes it seem like he's doing a huge favour anytime he taxis DS to and from the gym, he would never 'just' take him, DS always has to go at the same time as DP is 'going out anyway', it's like we're always fitting in with DP's plans and yet he's always saying he makes loads of sacrifices for us? I don't see that at all...

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant... a little insight into the day out yesterday would be helpful as it was such a small thing that just seemed to escalate and I can't seem to pinpoint exactly where I went wrong in dealing with it (aside from the 'selfish' outburst, which obviously was uncalled for).

@Whirlywiccan it reminds me if DH.
Who says Yes because that’s what he is ‘expected’ to say and it makes things easier. But when he is faced with actually having to do that thing is resentful/angry.
I also suspect that DH is resentful because he would see going there as him already doing a huge effort so won’t see why he should do even more effort… do you think your DH is the same?

Id advise you to post on the new thread too (link just above yours). You’ll get lots if support :)

@DeepThought42 what do you think is the way to deal with it?

Should Whirly just assume that he will never be available and all the responsibility to look after the 3 dcs is hers alone? Always? Because he will never be able to deal with such an environment

I mean that’s what I’ve done. But I’m not sure this is the right way tbh.
For me, it just lead to resentment. And being exhausted from always being the one holding all the plates in the air whilst still trying to do things his ways rather than my way.

Yep. I’m seriously ill too.

If you don’t share the same innate and automatic responses I don’t see how you could trust or rely on your DP with the kids.
I never saw it explained that way but yes, I can see that too.

Wow, this describes DP fairly well... I think I said before he doesn't have a diagnosis, I don't know whether I'm making excuses in a way or hoping he is autistic because if he isn't, he's a major arsehole!
But he doesn't really have much to do with the children - he talks more easily to my daughter (who is NT), messes around with her, jokes with her as she can 'take it' more easily than my sons. He says he can't relate to the boys as well as they're difficult to talk to - so his solution is to not really try...

I don't ever feel like I could leave DP with my children - while I went to work, for example. He wouldn't see harm come to them but what he would do is ignore them the first one, two, three times they shouted then eventually say "what?" by which time, if it was something serious that was happening, it could be too late. He would stay in the bedroom while the children are upstairs and never think to check on them. This is what he does when I'm home, so I don't see any reason for him to do any different when I'm not here.

Today, I was running around like the proverbial blue bottomed fly - putting washing in, taking washing out, feeding the cat, sorting out lunch for the children, all whilst I needed the loo but was too busy to go - I walked into the bedroom (our washing machine is in the ensuite) and DP was laid on the bed, scrolling through facebook. He didn't look up once despite my sighing...
If I'd have asked him to help, he would have just asked "what do you want me to do?" at which point I give up because it's actually more stressful trying to think what I need him to do and explain it to him in detail, than just doing the thing in the first place!

He has his set jobs that he does every day at certain times, things like cleaning windows, polishing, all those 'few times a month/year' type jobs just don't get done unless I do them - in fact, I asked DP to try and hoover by the skirting boards (you know, take the hose thing off and actually run it along the corners and edges of the rooms) every now and again (as his 'job' is hoovering each evening) and he just looked at me blankly and said "why can't you do it?" He just couldn't seem to grasp that he hoovers more regularly than me because I have other jobs, so all I was asking that every month or two, he adds a bit extra to his existing job to save me the hassle of having to do it!

Christmas, birthdays, buying and wrapping presents, any lists or planning, paying bills...all of these are entirely my responsibility and when I talk to DP about sharing some of the responsibilities, he just says (for example, about the bill paying or looking over our budget) "I can't do numbers, if you give me a list of amounts I've forgotten the first one by the time you get to the third".

It's just all quite exhausting and I feel like a single parent, which makes me think; if I feel like a single parent, am I better off just being one and eliminate the expectation/hope that anyone would help out...?

DW is debobbling a jumper with some sort of electrical device, because this is obviously the most important thing in the world.

@Daftasabroom

how very sad that you feel the need to moan about your partner over something that seems pretty harmless? It reveals a real dislike of her - she cannot even do something so simple as de Bob a jumper without your criticism?

I would be devastated if my DH was moaning about such petty matters - it would make me think he really disliked me.

im sure NT people de Bob jumpers too.

I hope you both find peace.

Well maybe that’s not debobbling that is the issue?

But it’s just the last straw that broke the camel’s back?
And there are more important issues to deal with just now?

@Daftasabroom what’s going on?