Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Yet here you are, on our thread ruining it, whereas we are not posting on yours.

Yep, I find this hypocritical of you both.

@WakingUpDistress so it would be ok to do what has been done to us and carry posts from here to that thread and examine them to determine how helpful they are for us to evaluate the NTs?

I don't believe so.

I have only ever posted here supportively until we were being examined like lab rats and I would ask that posters on this thread stop doing that.

Are you going to keep on posting here and taking over and ruining it until you get what you want?

But posters here have ruined our thread by snooping on it, carrying it back here and posting on this thread that they use that thread as if we were lab rats to be observed, tested and examined.

Are the posters here going to keep carrying back and snooping on our thread and treating us like lab rats until they get what they want and scare people from posting on the thread?

Absolutely. As our kids have grown older dhs ability to cope has increased a lot too. I think if we would have known then what we know now things could have been a lot better for us all in those early years.

Adjusting expectations was a big thing for us. You see it a lot here, the just because they are autistic it doesn't mean they can't do x,y or z and yeah for dh that is true but he can't do x,y and z all together and that's OK but for a long time neither of us understood why he couldn't do x, y and z together, he was frustrated and felt embarrassed and showed that with anger and I was left feeling confused and hurt.

Understanding benefits both of us(and our children too). I'm not being mean by saying oh dh is autistic he can't do x,y and z together. It's just reality and accepting that and adjusting to that(both of us) means that life is better for all us. For me it isn't about NT vs ND like people seem to be insinuating, it is about learning and applying that learning to our marriage for the happiness of both the ND and the NT people in our family. There is no shame in dh having a disability and not being able to do as much as perhaps an NT husband might, I have arthritis and I can't do cetain things sometimes either it's just life but understanding, accepting and adjusting are essential to get by.

Thank you @leithreas , it's so significant. DS dx at 8 is so much more aware, he's at uni now but is very realistic about his relationship with the world as it is. He has amazing ambitions, but they suit both him and the real world.

I wish I had that level of wisdom at his age.

@leithreas i agree with you too.

I think there is a big hole re understanding of autism.
Once you have a diagnosis, whether you are talking about a child or an adult, you are basically left to your own device to figure it out. (Or at least we were)
im always amazed at the level of awareness some children with autism have. But I’m also painfully aware that this self awareness is often linked to having the right support. And that I haven’t always been able to do that. Because I didn’t know.

eg I have always been aware of stimming.
But until recently I didn’t realise that tapping your foot and, like dc, constantly touching the crook of your elbow is stimming too. So I assumed it was more of an anxiety thing, close to self harming (he was making himself bleed).
So I couldn’t start that conversation with him iyswim.

For me it isn't about NT vs ND like people seem to be insinuating, it is about learning and applying that learning to our marriage for the happiness of both the ND and the NT people in our family.
YES YES to that.

Yet here you are, on our thread ruining it, whereas we are not posting on yours.

Except you have, for many people. By linking to it and making horrible comment about people posting there so that they no longer feel comfortable to post.

We didn't do that to you.

We simply came here to ask you to stop doing it and explain the impact. And you have no remorse at all. All these posts complaining how thoughtless behaviour from your partners hurt you, and how difficult it is for you to comprehend why they would continue that behaviour even though you've explained it is hurtful. And yet, you are quite happy to behave in exactly that way to other people. If you want to look for hypocrisy, you need to look in a mirror.

Are you going to accept that the support thread isn't a resource for you to read and comment on and acknowledge what shitty behaviour that was and stop doing it?

I really recognise this. It's why I've stayed so long. Your description of your husband is very like my husband.

I don't have answers for you. It's hard because the love is still there. But I know that I'm increasingly feeling that our separation is a when, not an if. I haven't quite abandoned all hope but I'm getting closer.

Fuuuuuuuxache

i can get the repetitive, unreasonable demands at home.

@Oneiros what will you do if none of us give you this apology you keep whining on about?

this thread isn’t about you. I’m not particularly interested in you because you are not presenting solutions or suggestions or anything g helpful for those who are struggling with their ND partner.

You are offering the thread nothing, just going on about yourself and your own thread.

there is an obvious and easy solution available to you. If you are annoyed with us then block this thread and get on with your day.

Hi all, we've received some reports about this thread. We removed the post which linked to the other thread, as we did feel that it was somewhat inflammatory.

But Mumsnet is an open community, and we can't police who posts where. Therefore discussions requesting people to stick to certain threads aren't helpful, and Mumsnet would certainly not enforce any rules on this one. Can we please gently suggest that the best way to keep the thread on topic is to stick to the original purpose of the thread, which is providing support, and draw a line under the discussion which has derailed the last few pages of this thread?

Many thanks all.

Thank you @ClaraMumsnet.

I like the idea of sticking to the purpose of the thread, which is to offer SUPPORT.

@SquirrelSoShiny are you doing ok atm?

Up and down @WakingUpDistress but hanging in there. How are you?

Sending best wishes to all on the thread. Sometimes there are no right answers, just figuring out the 'least bad' option. That is really tough when the happiness of all parties is at stake. I just know that my capacity to be the sacrificial lamb is diminishing.

Hi @ClaraMumsnet

Thanks for removing the link.

Nobody was expecting you to police who posts where of course. It was instead a request to people to modify their own behaviour in a reasonable way and stop making dehumanising and discriminatory comments about posters on a separate support thread that, as you allude to, is not relevant to the people posting on this one. One would hope that when the impact of that behaviour was highlighted people would refrain voluntarily without the need for your intervention, but perhaps now this nasty behaviour will finally stop and everybody can be left in peace.

there is an obvious and easy solution available to you. If you are annoyed with us then block this thread and get on with your day.

As explained repeatedly, my posts were about the impact of your behaviour on others. Not me. So me hiding your thread would not resolve the issue.

Hopefully you will follow @ClaraMumsnet 's advice now and there'll be no more of this.

Will you be blocking this thread for yourself, Oneiros? ?

Yes. you are right. Absolutely, unconditionally, totally correct.

could you just read this twenty seven times now?

So true @leithreas . Understanding and accepting what my DH can and can't do has helped us both.

Firstly, I am going to apologise for posting on this thread. I am not wanting to annoy anyone, nor do I want to invade a thread that is about support. I just want to try to clear up a point that may be misunderstanding.

So, am sorry for tagging this poster. But it is clear that you are upset/annoyed re the wording in the original post of the thread that has been referenced here. Apologies, I haven’t yet learned how to grab/post partial bits of text from prior posts so this makes my post more waffley!

The wording that you found upsetting/offensive I really don’t think was directed at THIS thread. That thread was started off the back of a completely unrelated thread. The OP of that unrelated thread had asked a fairly innocuous question - which resulted in a number of posts that had nothing to do with the question, but instead posters decided to query their situation.

So, the autistic women thread was set up, and worded, with regards to the fact that SOME posters on the unrelated thread had completely ignored the purpose of the thread.

I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well, but, in short, I am certain that the reference to “… who so regularly post on MN …” had no link to these threads. I think it was in reference to random posts on random threads where autism can be treated in a shit manner. I really don’t think it was referencing these support threads. I, for one, didn’t know they were here.

My one problem is that someone here posted the link to a very new thread for autistic women. Along with a couple of comments of how it could be a useful read/tool or whatever words were used. It’s put me off posting on that thread.

And yes, I understand that anything one posts on SM is there for all to see. I do try to bear that in mind, I’m not daft! But the posting of a link was wrong. There is a difference between looking at thread titles and deciding “yay or nay” re opening/posting on them, to actively posting a link to send people over there to look at it as a useful tool. Aside from anything else, my understanding is that men and women with autism present very differently.

I can see why @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar was annoyed at the wording, but I hope the above has explained that those words were not directed at this thread/s. And I can see why @Oneiros has tried to fight/defend their position.

I did not know this thread existed and I have no intention of invading it again in the future. I do think it’s more of a minefield for those that are “older” - support for either side has often not been in place.

Anyway, apologies for the long post, but I really wanted to try to clear up the wording from the other thread that seems to have caused offence and arguments. Those words were not directed at your threads, they were totally off the back of an unrelated thread.

I promise I won’t come here again, unless there is a specific question that someone wants to tag me on and I receive a notification.

DH always has to be right, we've just had a massive row be because I didn't back down.
Apparently he doesn't put work first and I only have to ask, all those times, all those years.
Zoom meetings on holidays, he works away and never calls, is never available. Apparently central London for many years had no phone signal.
I wouldn't mind if he could just acknowledged that in order for his life to be so footloose and fancy free, mine has taken a massive beating.