Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

I haven't been rude and I haven't been disrespectful.

If I post here I try my utmost to be helpful and was described as such earlier.

What I hadn't done - until you did it - was read here and carry that to another thread. But you do it. So why is it not ok for us to do it?

We knew about it because one poster had seen that you'd linked our thread and started making horrible comments about it, and warned us.

Many of the women posting on the support thread are very vulnerable and isolated. Many posters here have been reading it and commenting about it, so you know this. It took a great deal for many to decide to join it and start to engage and open up. Finally they had a space where they felt they could talk about how they feel and get support and understanding. They had a right to know that their posts were being discussed elsewhere, as some sort of research resource. This was based on the hope that the request in the OP that it would be left alone would be respected: that people who aren't autistic women would not read or comment on it.

Yet you keep reading it and discussing it here even when you've been asked again and again to stop. You speak of respect. Why can't you have the respect to not invade that space and read it?

Many posters now feel they cannot use the support thread for its intended purpose because they know other people here are reading and judging their comments and making spiteful comments and generalisations about them. Again. They don't want to be lab rats for your behavioural research. So basically your behaviour and refusal to ignore our very reasonable boundaries asking you not to read or comment on it is making it impossible for that thread to serve its purpose, and it will be the most vulnerable, isolated posters who really need it the most who will not use it as a result. Is that what you want?

I have no interest whatsoever in your thread. Like others, I came here because I was alerted to what you have been doing and to ask you to stop. To explain to you the impact it is having. If you stop doing this, then I will happily go away and post on your thread no more. Or read it. I've no interest in it at all except to protect the tiny bit of space autistic women are trying to create for themselves here from being destroyed by your thoughtless behaviour.

So I ask you again: will you please stop reading and commenting on the support thread now and leave it alone?

For people saying they need support because their partners have no consideration for their feelings, and no insight into the impact of their behaviour, do you not see the irony here? That even when posters have come here and asked you please to stop this, given you the insight into the impact of your behaviour, you still can show no consideration and just respect the boundary requested, that you stop reading a thread that is nothing to do with you?

I will very happily - with relief in fact - do that same here and look at these threads no more if posters here can commit to do the same with ours from now on.

So I ask you again: will you please stop reading and commenting on the support thread now and leave it alone?

Sorry, this was badly worded. I am not implying you've been commenting on the support thread itself.

I'm asking you to stop reading it, and to stop commenting on it here or elsewhere.

Please can you do that?

We knew about it because one poster had seen that you'd linked our thread and started making horrible comments about it, and warned us.

So you came here, because someone else came here.

Yet you ask us not to come to your thread.

RIGHT BACK ATCHA.

I guarentee that if someone came to your thread and dominated the late three pages so unpleasantly as you've done here, you'd be even angrier.

Guarenteed. I'd bet my house on it.

I have been reading this thread.

I haven't once commented (after being told I'd been helpful because i had nothing pleasant or useful to say) until someone here linked to our support thread and it was suggested you were finding it helpful to gawp at us like lab rats.

Really? That is what you took from everything I just said?

And you think we lack empathy.

Yes clearly someone read your thread and saw what you were saying and that you'd linked our thread - from this thread of all threads - and cited it as some kind of research resource. Like we are lab rats. Women desperate for understanding who thought they'd finally found a safe space and now as a result of all of this now feel uncomfortable to access that.

None of us linked to your thread, or did anything comparable.

We are simply asking you to stop. Stop reading it, stop commenting about it. And as I said I have no desire to read or comment here further if you will do as we ask: I am only doing so at all in an attempt to protect vulnerable women from losing a space they really need and value to speak without this intrusion.

But that's not remotely comparable. I'd expect that to happen if we linked from our thread to yours, started making personal insults about some posters and then using your posts to make awful discriminatory generalisations about a protected characteristic you have. But we haven't done that. It's a completely false equivalence.

I don't want to argue with you. I'm simply asking you to stop reading and posting about our thread. As I said, if yoj do so I will have absolutely no need to be reading or posting on yours, and won't.

You are destroying a space for a vulnerable group of women. We're just asking you to stop. Please can you do that?

You are destroying a space for a vulnerable group of women. We're just asking you to stop. Please can you do that?

My goodness me. I made a couple of comments on THIS thread, the one that you know, by the rules you made you shouldn't even be on, and you say I'm destroying your space.

Im impressed you think I have that much power. it's not true of course. But I'm impressed you think it.

By the way, you and the other intruders here, who post oh so regularly about how awful we partners are, have destroyed this as a safe space for us.

You might want to think about that. But you probably won't.

I have never posted here other than in a helpful way to explain how my brain works in a particular situation for example. I was told it was helpful.

And now I'm an intruder? Really?

So you're not interested in any kind of alternative perspective all you want to do is voyeuristically creep on another thread and run back here saying how great it is to watch the subjects through the glass.

But the experimental subjects aren't allowed to retaliate. They must be good little lab rats.

Right. Got it.

How exactly?

Your posts here were about that thread and posters on it. Posters here linked it and described it as a "resource" as if we are animals to be observed.

Yes, sadly, you do have that much power. What you did here has made many vulnerable women in need of support feel they cannot access the support thread.

That is why I am asking you to stop reading and commenting on it.

I have no interest in your thread. I've never commented on it before (only looked at it when my husband was first diagnosed and I quicked stopped reading) and have no intention to read it or comment on it or about it ever again, if posters here will simply commit to what we're asking which is to leave our thread alone in the same way: don't read it or comment on it or about it.

I've explained how what you are doing is impacting people. Do you care about that? I'm asking you to stop doing it.

I'm sorry my posts here have upset you. I have no desire to invade your space. It was necessary because of what you were doing and the impact it has had on the women on the support thread. I am not doing it to upset you, but to protect them. I have no desire at all to be here.

So, will you stop?

To be quite honest Oneiros I found the sentences in that opening paragraph extremely rude, unpleasant and uncalled for.

Since very clearly neither you nor several others on that thread extend the courtesy you want to us, who are also vulnerable women and men whom you and the other people who unpleasantly post on this thread and have for years, give me one good reason why I should respect what you say?

Since, you know, you don't give us that courtesy? and in fact you've spent the last days making this thread into a state where it's unuseable .. again?

I can see you care deeply about the whole thing, but you do not address the fact that we, who are/have been in deeply difficult relationships, also need our safe space and it is invaded over and over and over again.

Again, you ask us not to go to that thread, but you come to this. You act with zero respect. We have acted with more, because we do not post on your thread- unlike you.

Why, given that you act with such greater lack of respect towards us, are you asking for respect towards you?

To be quite honest Oneiros I found the sentences in that opening paragraph extremely rude, unpleasant and uncalled for.

Sorry again that I have upset you. Which paragraph? I'm not being obtuse on purpose honestly but I'm not sure what you're referring to?

Since very clearly neither you nor several others on that thread extend the courtesy you want to us, who are also vulnerable women and men whom you and the other people who unpleasantly post on this thread and have for years, give me one good reason why I should respect what you say?

I've said repeatedly I have no interest in your thread, am only here because of the linking to a thread for vulnerable autistic women and awful comments about it, when people who aren't autistic women were asked to leave it alone, and to ask you to leave it alone. I am sorry people have been unpleasant to you here. Does that mean you should do it to others who are likely completely different posters and had nothing to do with that? That just seems spiteful. If you have experienced that, maybe you could understand the impact it has and not want to do that to others when they tell you that your behaviour is damaging people? Basically you are saying that because some people have been disrespectful to you, you should go and do that to other people even if they are vulnerable and ask you to stop?

Since, you know, you don't give us that courtesy? and in fact you've spent the last days making this thread into a state where it's unuseable .. again?

As I explained several times, I have no interest in your thread and am only posting on it for this specific reason. Before, I read it as I said when my husband was diagnosed, found it repellant, so left without making any comment. I've never looked at it again until now, and come here simply to ask you to stop reading and commenting about the autistic women's support thread. That's it. I will extend you the same courtesy if you will agree to do this for us too: don't read, don't comment about it. I do not see the problem. Why can't you agree to have this mutual respect, whilst simultaneously complaining there is no respect? You seem to think we should respect you and not comment here even when you link our thread and say horrific things about us, why? How is that reciprocal respect?

I can see you care deeply about the whole thing, but you do not address the fact that we, who are/have been in deeply difficult relationships, also need our safe space and it is invaded over and over and over again.

It has only been "invaded" because you cited our thread as a "research resource" as if we are lab rats, made personal comments about posters, made vulnerable posters feel uncomfortable to post for support at all, made horrific generalisations about autistic women, etc. We are not linking to your thread or making such comments or treating you as a science experiment. I've said several times that I am happy to never read this thread again or comment here or about it anywhere if posters here will commit to doing the same with our support thread and leave us alone. Will you?

Again, you ask us not to go to that thread, but you come to this. You act with zero respect. We have acted with more, because we do not post on your thread- unlike you.

For the reasons explained.

So will you stop reading and commenting about our thread? Then I can leave you in peace also.

Why, given that you act with such greater lack of respect towards us, are you asking for respect towards you?

I have shown no lack of respect. i have commented sarcastically on the irony of the behaviour for sure, because for someone who accuses others of hypocrisy and a lack of insight into behaviour and its impact, it seems like some serious cognitive dissonance must be at play to behave in this way. And my astonishment at the lack of empathy, respect for boundaries, concern for vulnerable people, lack of understanding or empathy or kindness or even just an ability to agree a reasonable resolution to a problem even when it would benefit everyone involved, simply out of unreasonable anger misdirected at people who have never personally done anything to hurt you.

But as I said I have no interest in arguing.

My question was simple. It's been explained how what you've been doing has been making it impossible for autistic women to seek the support they need on the support thread. So please, can you stop reading it and commenting about it?

I very deliberately DIDN'T link to this thread on the autistic women support thread.

Oneiros I'll answer more later but just to say it was two sentences on the opening post on the other thread that was extremely rude, not your own post here.

@Oneiros

This is the opening sentence that I find extremely rude and unpleasant.

However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!)

Totally uncalled for.

I've said repeatedly I have no interest in your thread,

And yet you don't. You say you aren't interested, but you've taken over the last 4 pages.

your actions do not match your words.

Ill quote to you exactly what the person said who linked your thread here:

^There is a support thread going on in Chat for autistic people.
i wouldn’t dream making any comments there^

Oh how I wish you would extend the same courtesy to us. How I wish, and all the many other people over the last years who have invaded this thread.

I've been told to leave THIS thread by one of the invaders. How would you feel, if you were repeatedly told to actually leave your thread by a NT person?

It has only been "invaded" because you cited our thread as a "research resource" as if we are lab rats No, I didn't.

But the fact remains that you are justifying your invasion, totally missing the point that You. Are. Taking. This. Thread. Over. And yet, you want us to behave with courtesy and respect.

It doesn't matter how often you justify it, that's what youré doing. As so many, many other posters over the years have done.

I am grateful to the autistic people who post here who genuinely try to explain their perspective, because it has helped increase understanding. They have acted with respect. You on the other hand? Nope. Because you -have- taken over.

So will you stop reading and commenting about our thread? Then I can leave you in peace also

So since you think you are entitled to come and fill up the last pages, I assume that means I can do the same?

I don't want to as it happens.

But I find your specious arguments just that. Specious, and your effect is to make this thread unuseable.

"Give me what I want and I'll stop posting on your thread" is pretty unpleasant.

By the way I too have not once posted on your thread. Has that occured to you?

I have shown no lack of respect.

You have shown extreme lack of respect, and controlling behaviour in insisting that we may not look at your thread, though you are allowed to look at ours.

Im also deeply curious as to how you expect -me-, one person, to enforce other people staying away from your thread.

I wasn't asking just you.

I was asking everyone here to stop doing it.

My actions match my words exactly. I've explained why I've posted here. You've ignored pretty much everything I've said about why I am doing so and whether you will accept this behaviour was unpleasant and should cease. As stated repeatedly, I will gladly not read more of this thread or post here again if posters here can accept the damage caused by what they've been doing and commit to stop doing it.

@Oneiros i think the same rules apply to any social media.

If you are not comfortable for anyone and everyone to read your posts, don’t post. True for you and anyone on THAT thread.

If you are not comfortable fir anyone to read your posts and link to them, don’t post. I mean you are not happy for people on here to read that thread but seriously, posting anything personal in SM has the potential to open the gates to all sorts. See for example people been found out in RL, relationship threads in newspapers etc…. What would you do then??

The reality is that once it’s in a thread, that’s it, you loose all control. That’s the joy and awfulness of the internet and SM.

That also applies to everyone on this thread.

Yep it is.

Which is why it’s so important to be respectful of the posters on any thread. And why no one on here has posted that the ‘autistic’ support thread….