Page 35 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

Daftasabroom · 2022-11-20T20:38:39+00:00

New thread, and as previously: This thread is for partners seeking to _understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD_. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Avalavalanche · 07/04/2023 13:23

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 13:10

This is supposed to be a 'safe space' yet here you are. And calling it snooping to read threads posted on an open forum? Wtf? I don't think anyone from here posted over there did they? But yet here you are? Snooping, lacking in empathy and behaving shamefully. Grow up.

Maybe I missed it but I don't think anybody in the support thread posted a link to this thread and suggested people go and read it for research on NT behaviour (not that you'd be a very representative sample, thankfully). Or started saying how illuminating your thread was into how NT people are incapable of relationships or parenting etc.

People have come here because posters here invaded THEIR space and started making vile comments here about them. Even personal comments about the OP.

Yeah you missed it because it happened.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 13:31

Maybe I missed it but I don't think anybody in the support thread posted a link to this thread and suggested people go and read it for research on NT behaviour (not that you'd be a very representative sample, thankfully). Or started saying how illuminating your thread was into how NT people are incapable of relationships or parenting etc.

People have come here because posters here invaded THEIR space and started making vile comments here about them. Even personal comments about the OP.

Yeah you missed it because it happened.

Had another look through it and no, it didn't. Nobody there has linked to this thread. Nobody there has suggested people use this thread like a zoo to research behaviour of NT people. Nobody there has made disgusting generalisations about NT people saying they are not capable adults or parents. This thread was only ever discussed there at all because people here linked to the support thread and made vile comments about it, making some of those posting there uncomfortable.

If you'd not done that, people wouldn't have needed to come here to ask again for you to leave them alone, even though it was requested clearly in the OP of that thread, which you ignored.

Avalavalanche · 07/04/2023 13:58

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 13:31

Maybe I missed it but I don't think anybody in the support thread posted a link to this thread and suggested people go and read it for research on NT behaviour (not that you'd be a very representative sample, thankfully). Or started saying how illuminating your thread was into how NT people are incapable of relationships or parenting etc.

People have come here because posters here invaded THEIR space and started making vile comments here about them. Even personal comments about the OP.

Yeah you missed it because it happened.

Had another look through it and no, it didn't. Nobody there has linked to this thread. Nobody there has suggested people use this thread like a zoo to research behaviour of NT people. Nobody there has made disgusting generalisations about NT people saying they are not capable adults or parents. This thread was only ever discussed there at all because people here linked to the support thread and made vile comments about it, making some of those posting there uncomfortable.

If you'd not done that, people wouldn't have needed to come here to ask again for you to leave them alone, even though it was requested clearly in the OP of that thread, which you ignored.

My apologies, I thought you meant no one here has linked to there.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 14:03

My apologies, I thought you meant no one here has linked to there.

Ah, no worries!

With luck it'll stop now and there'll be no more zoo-like commentary about human beings wanting a space to support each other away from nasty, dehumanising discrimination.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 15:05

I don’t think people have an issue with autistic people having a support thread. It’s great and as I said, I think very helpful for us too.

How condescending. Your opinion on it is irrelevant. Other people seeking support is not a science experiment for you to "observe" autistic people or attempt to "validate" your vile opinions about us. You can't even leave just ONE thread in the whole of Mumsnet alone and not barge in and intrusively "observe" people like animals, people who have specifically said they want people who aren't autistic to ignore the thread and keep off it? And then on top of that have also thought it appropriate to make horrific and belittling comments about it here. "Oh, look, now they're sharing their special interests tee hee".

You have zero respect for boundaries and should be really ashamed.

matis · 07/04/2023 15:29

Isn't it so nice that the NTs allow us to have a support thread so they can gawp.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 15:40

Thank goodness they have approved it or we'd have to request a deletion, especially given we neglected to ask their permission before starting it. We must be grateful that they will allow it because it will "also be useful for them" to research us. We should remember our place as sub-humans in future, to be studied and discussed by others. We certainly don't want to be "fucking hypocrites" for expecting any basic human level of respect.

matis · 07/04/2023 15:46

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 15:40

Thank goodness they have approved it or we'd have to request a deletion, especially given we neglected to ask their permission before starting it. We must be grateful that they will allow it because it will "also be useful for them" to research us. We should remember our place as sub-humans in future, to be studied and discussed by others. We certainly don't want to be "fucking hypocrites" for expecting any basic human level of respect.

Absolutely. We are so lucky to be allowed it. Really we should remember our sub-human status and that we are only allowed in society for them to study us.

Actually seriously can you not see how offensive that post is? It's literally saying we are sub human to be studied and our reactions analysed to be "helpful" to you NT people.

It's an utter disgrace.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 15:59

Actually seriously can you not see how offensive that post is? It's literally saying we are sub human to be studied and our reactions analysed to be "helpful" to you NT people.

It's an utter disgrace.

I honestly think many of the posters here genuinely can't see that. I mean, the lack of empathy you'd have to have to have posted that link here in the first place is astonishing, let alone the subsequent comments about intruding to study what we say to each other.

Perhaps these threads should be studied, given that so very many other ND and NT people have very successful relationships together. Such a study might enlighten us all about some commonalities between the posters here who seem to struggle so much with basic empathy, understanding, compromise, kindness, self-reflection, and respect for boundaries or the needs of others.

If I was doing such research, my hypothesis would be that such people would struggle in a relationship with just about anybody, of any neurotype. Perhaps instead of invading other people's support groups, such people would benefit from some introspection and self-reflection on their own character flaws.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 07/04/2023 16:29

Furfuxache.

Anwyay, back to the business of supporting those who find their relationship hard…

who was the last poster who shared her difficulties? Yea, same here. Fine sometimes and exasperating the rest. Welcome.

WakingUpDistress · 07/04/2023 16:41

You know things are actually quite good here.
in the last 6 months, things have settled down a lot. Mainly because DH is spending a lot if time at his mum - the farm is his happy place so he comes back relaxed and smiling.

I wish I could say I had done <insert whatever> because that could have helped others. But nope.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 16:54

Perfect, thank you. Get back to business disparaging your partners please. And leave our support thread alone in future. We're not your research project. Thanks so much, have happy lives.

LoveFoolMe · 07/04/2023 18:08

Inmyotherlifeiwasan · 07/04/2023 13:14

Please share your thoughts …
I feel so sick
I can not cope anymore with his inability to reflect on what he calls ‘ criticism ‘when it is a low level comment that is relevant to the fact that he has been lazy/ selfish or insensitive
I can not cope with having things turned around to be my fault
I can not cope with being the one to have given everything to have so little in return
I can not cope with living with someone who never grew up
I can not cope with someone who never wants to talk
I can not cope with someone who won’t cuddle me when I cry
I can not be with him anymore
but I’m scared Because I still love him I married to marry once
I don’t know what to do

I'm sorry it's so tough 😟.
Is venting enough or are you hoping for some advice?

WakingUpDistress · 07/04/2023 18:35

@Inmyotherlifeiwasan im sorry I missed your post in the middle of all that.

As Love said, would you like some advice? Is there anything in particular that has triggered your post today?

capecheckmaskcheck · 07/04/2023 19:14

stealtheatingtunnocks · 07/04/2023 16:29

Furfuxache.

Anwyay, back to the business of supporting those who find their relationship hard…

who was the last poster who shared her difficulties? Yea, same here. Fine sometimes and exasperating the rest. Welcome.

I have an autistic partner. Am I not allowed to be part of this discussion and have opinions because I'm also autistic? Maybe you need a bigger book for your rules.

Inmyotherlifeiwasan · 07/04/2023 20:30

I’m not even sure …. Thanks for offering the advice. I’m wandering if it’s repairable so I guess just blurting and venting when I’m so close to the edge with it may be helpful. I just feel like I often experience unintentional emotional abuse from a fundamentally decent man, who doesn’t know what he’s doing…. But the impact is always the same .. and he can not reflect why it’s so hurtful

WakingUpDistress · 07/04/2023 21:20

@capecheckmaskcheck , have a read at the thread, the whole thread.

You’ll see that we have never said that autistic people are not welcome. To start with, we can’t stop anyone from posting anyway 😝😝.
And I, and I know many others, have enjoyed the insights of some autistic posters. Imo that’s how you learn because an dry explanation in a book cannot convey the complexity of autism or the way it can present in people.

However, like in ANY thread, posters who come only to attack, be aggressive, offer no insight but only the ‘you’re wrong/bad etc..’ are not just helpful. They shut down the conversation. Stop people from getting support they need.
And tbh, again just like on any SM, I’m not sure why people only post to shout at other posters that they are wrong. Just to be aggressive. If this is such an issue, just hide the thread. Like I do on covid threads or some trans threads etc… If you have something important to say, something constructive, then share it in a respectful way. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

WakingUpDistress · 07/04/2023 21:24

Inmyotherlifeiwasan · 07/04/2023 20:30

I’m not even sure …. Thanks for offering the advice. I’m wandering if it’s repairable so I guess just blurting and venting when I’m so close to the edge with it may be helpful. I just feel like I often experience unintentional emotional abuse from a fundamentally decent man, who doesn’t know what he’s doing…. But the impact is always the same .. and he can not reflect why it’s so hurtful

The lack of insight always makes things difficult (and that’s not just for autism, ND etc….).

I can relate to the ‘here is a really nice guy trying his best but who is doing something I feel is very hurtful’. I’ve tried in the past remembering that it is my interpretation, his would be different etc….
But that’s a very intellectual approach and I still have the same emotional, in the gut reaction to some if those things. It still hurts.
Im sorry I don’t really have an answer there…

TomPinch · 08/04/2023 01:32

leithreas · 07/04/2023 10:55

I think reading some threads written by autistic posters can be really helpful, especially when you are shouted down and told that it is 'arsehole' behaviour, not autistic or 'I'm autistic and I don't do that so that's not a sign of autism' etc. When the ND board in the special needs section first started I used to lurk and found it so eye-opening and validating to see that actually a lot of issues in my marriage really are what I thought they were and not arsehole behaviour. Things like flat out refusing to do certain household tasks because they don't like it so why should they, needing a lot of handholding from their partners to do everyday things, getting angry with their partners and children because they felt they were playing too loudly or were listening to music, the very strong victim mentality and lack of insight into their behaviour etc.

I think the biggest thing was that so many autistic women can't work and look after their families, it is too much for them to cope with yet I think most if not all of the husbands spoken about here hold down full-time jobs and then if they struggle to cope when they get home to full on house their behaviour is often described as 'arsehole behaviour'(by the autistic posters). It really helped me to see things from dhs side a lot more, he comes in from a busy job then needs a break, and needs to decompress and shut down and that is ok, not him being an arsehole because he isn't jumping in and helping.

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm probably not expressing myself the best but what I am trying to say is that it is really validating to see some autistic people admitting that their behaviour can be poor at times due to autism(even if a lot of the time they didn't seem to recognise that their behaviour was poor) and it taught me to be more empathetic and understanding of dh and appreciate that maybe him holding down a job is far more of a big deal for him than is me and uses up far more of his reserves.

Show quote history

I see your point but I think support threads for a group one isn't part of need to be read with care, understanding and a big pinch of salt. And don't post, unless with absolute respect.

I reckon that rule goes both ways.

Best just to stay off them, on the whole.

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 08/04/2023 10:24

@leithreas DW definitely couldn't deal with much of job when the kids were young. She has found a job that suits her and has slowly increased her hours as the kids have become increasingly independent. I didn't recognize this until the last year or so, I wish I had known more about autism much much earlier.

Not so much on this thread, but there are some posts which mention expectations and living a life through the expectations of others or society. I think this applies to us all to a greater or lesser extent, but looking back the hell DW put herself (and me) through to meet the expectations she had for herself or perhaps the expectations she thought others/society had for her could have been avoided or at least much reduced.

Not great sentence structure but I hope you get my drift.

OP posts:

WakingUpDistress · 08/04/2023 10:51

Not so much on this thread, but there are some posts which mention expectations and living a life through the expectations of others or society.

Yes I agree with that.
Dh has done a lot of things ‘out of duty’ and he hasn’t always coped well with it.

Oneiros · 08/04/2023 11:41

Not so much on this thread, but there are some posts which mention expectations and living a life through the expectations of others or society

Again, why are you reading the support thread? Just stop now please, you have been asked multiple times already. Autistic people supporting each other is not a science project for you to observe and comment on.

@TomPinch is the only poster here who has shown any respect and decency, and I want to say thank you for that.

matis · 08/04/2023 11:54

Not so much on this thread, but there are some posts which mention expectations and living a life through the expectations of others or society. I think this applies to us all to a greater or lesser extent, but looking back the hell DW put herself (and me) through to meet the expectations she had for herself or perhaps the expectations she thought others/society had for her could have been avoided or at least much reduced.

You don't like it if autistic people don't post supportively on here. We have to make sure that we are being supportive in our language and tone.

Please stop disparaging us. And please. Apply the same standards to yourself as you apply to us. Because anything else is pure rank hypocrisy.

Oneiros · 08/04/2023 12:05

Yes, like the hilarious comment earlier about how people should be respectful. 🤣 When in just the last few days posters here have said that autistic women are "hypocritical" for requesting that people who are not autistic women ignore their thread as specifically requested in the OP and do not read or comment on it.

Posters here have said that autistic people are incapable of insight into their behaviour (nobody here possesses a mirror, clearly), have a victim mentality, are ME ME ME, are incapable of being parents and employees, and much more. None of that sounds particularly respectful to me, nor does discussing people as though they are some weird alien species you've discovered and you're an astronaut version of David Attenborough making a behavioural documentary about them having observed them in their natural habitat.

Please can you just stop invading our space by reading our thread? We want autistic women, who face so much discrimination and misunderstanding, to be able to connect there and seek support without feeling they are being analysed and judged by other people. So please, can you stop it. You are being asked to leave just one thread on the whole of Mumsnet which doesn't apply to yoj anyway unread. Why is this such an impossible thing to ask of you?

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 08/04/2023 12:37

Please can you just stop invading our space by reading our thread?

How did you even know these comments existed? Oh yes! you came and read our thread!

Please can you just stop posting on our thread?

You're the ones posting here, in a place not meant for you. No one here is posting on the other thread - whose existence is a good thing - afaima.

You're the one busting your way in in a rude, utterly disrespectful way. -