Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

It’s good that ND women created their own thread. It seems to have turned into a space to share evidence of specialist interests. Which seems familiar to me.

I think the existence of the thread is a good thing. I think the phrasing of the OP is as horrible as they accuse the people on this thread of being.

Perhaps that thread is best considered not the business of anyone posting here.

There have been no invasions recently and I think that's what matters.

I think reading some threads written by autistic posters can be really helpful, especially when you are shouted down and told that it is 'arsehole' behaviour, not autistic or 'I'm autistic and I don't do that so that's not a sign of autism' etc. When the ND board in the special needs section first started I used to lurk and found it so eye-opening and validating to see that actually a lot of issues in my marriage really are what I thought they were and not arsehole behaviour. Things like flat out refusing to do certain household tasks because they don't like it so why should they, needing a lot of handholding from their partners to do everyday things, getting angry with their partners and children because they felt they were playing too loudly or were listening to music, the very strong victim mentality and lack of insight into their behaviour etc.

I think the biggest thing was that so many autistic women can't work and look after their families, it is too much for them to cope with yet I think most if not all of the husbands spoken about here hold down full-time jobs and then if they struggle to cope when they get home to full on house their behaviour is often described as 'arsehole behaviour'(by the autistic posters). It really helped me to see things from dhs side a lot more, he comes in from a busy job then needs a break, and needs to decompress and shut down and that is ok, not him being an arsehole because he isn't jumping in and helping.

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm probably not expressing myself the best but what I am trying to say is that it is really validating to see some autistic people admitting that their behaviour can be poor at times due to autism(even if a lot of the time they didn't seem to recognise that their behaviour was poor) and it taught me to be more empathetic and understanding of dh and appreciate that maybe him holding down a job is far more of a big deal for him than is me and uses up far more of his reserves.

I think reading some threads written by autistic posters can be really helpful,

Completely agree. Ive gained some - actually, a lot - of insight from some of the pleasanter autistic posters on here; not least that some people really do try to understand the other person's pov, and keep on trying, even if it's hard. The price for them is high.

The self-centred, ME ME ME invasive posters, one of whom kept saying I should leave this thread, have fucked me right off though since they've pretty well ruined the thread for me. Which no doubt they'll be delighted about.

@WakingUpDistress i've just been rereading the last few weeks of posts. The mothering posts are really interesting.

A long long time ago (15+ years) I felt that DW was trying to turn me into her Dad. Could it be a thing that some people explore a relationship with a parent by recreating and manipulating a similar relationship with their partner?

@leithreas totally agree.
And this is really why I linked to that thread. Reading their experiences is helpful both to understand better and to get the validation it’s autism, not being a twat.
Ive had similar experiences reading stuff on Twitter. With the added ‘NT are crazy and are doing stuff the wrong way and WE are RIGHT to <insert autistic behaviour>’ as well as a lot of stuff around ableism and how NT should adapt to autistic people.

I posted here as an autistic person in a previous name to give a perspective. I certainly wasn't part of any invasion and it's hurtful that it was seen as an invasion.

I posted of my own accord, I wasn't part of any "invasion".

@Daftasabroom thats not how it felt with DH.

Looking at transactional analysis, I’m feeling DH is often in a child mode (lack of maturity/autism?). Usually the adapted child who doesn’t want to make waves or the rebellious one who has a tantrum…. All the whilst looking for the support from a parent (because I think he is somehow aware of his limitations and is seeking support).

Interestingly, he is very much ‘mommy bear’ with dc2 (also on the spectrum), always stepping in to help him. When I’m trying to ensure he is independent for Uni next year…

Do you not see how saying 'it’s autism, not being a twat' is incredibly offensive to the many autistic people that are v much NOT twats. I wouldn't go around saying 'it's because they're neurotypical, not a twat' because I recognise the infinite ways in which human beings are different. All human beings. Regardless of neurodiversity.

The fact that you think this shows YOUR inflexibility of thinking. It's so much more than that. There's a couple of pet pics. That's it. It's mostly a place for mutual support.

I also came here once looking for advice on how to help a husband who had just been diagnosed with autism, and was appalled by the horrific comments made by many (not all) posters on this thread. Most of it has very little relevance to autism at all.

Some autistic people may be twats. As are some NT people. It's not a feature of autism. If you've married a twat it matters very little whether they are autistic or not. Your options are to live with the twat or divorce.

Autistic women don't need your opinion on whether you think them having a support thread is a good thing, whether you think they are "self centred" or have a "victim mentality" or you think they are incapable of X or Y. That just demonstrates how little you know and that your opinion on the topic jas no value.

Neither do they care that you think it is "fucking hypocritical" for them to ask people like you to leave them alone there so that they have a space away from this type of harrassment, discrimination and ignorance.

Perhaps you should respect that and leave them in peace. Although given that many posting here appear to have empathy levels in the lowest decile I appreciate this seems a lot to ask.

The fact that you think this shows YOUR inflexibility of thinking. It's so much more than that. There's a couple of pet pics. That's it. It's mostly a place for mutual support.

Indeed. An absurd comment given the discussion on special interests was started as a distraction from the upset that was caused by people here posting nasty things about the support thread and poking their noses into it!

@Oneiros i think you are mistaken.

I don’t think people have an issue with autistic people having a support thread. It’s great and as I said, I think very helpful for us too. (And then they dint have to ‘explain again and again’ which I know they found tiring)

Yawn…..

And here we are again….

Im sorry but I will do the same that posters on that thread advise and ignore any if those answers who are not there to help and support. I mean if that’s ok for autistic people to do with NT, then surely it’s right for NT to do on their own thread right?

Whereas saying autistic people have a victim mentality is not offensive at all.

Nobody care's if you think it's a good idea. It's none of your business. Neither should you be snooping on it and making judgements about people.

To post a link to it here, when it was set up specifically to provide a space to escape from the abuse autistic posters receive on Mumsnet - the entire topic of these threads but also occurring frequently on many, many others - shows quite a lack of empathy, don't you think? And then to suggest people snoop on it as some sort of resource?

Shameful.

Yip. This.

I'm confused, this isn't a support thread for autistic women? Why would they come here looking for support? I haven't posted anything on any autistic support threads, I haven't posted anything on the ND board, I think they are great ideas and respect their space and don't post. I didn't see any issue posting here about those threads because it seems there is no issue posting about this thread everywhere so I presumed it's fair game, especially as I posted in general.

Like I said I find it really helpful to see that actually yes, some autistic people struggle massively with life, with being a parent and rely on their partner caring for them. These are all things people have been told their partners are twats for by autistic people. It's the autistic people that plop on here calling other autistic people twats not the other way around.

This is supposed to be a 'safe space' yet here you are. And calling it snooping to read threads posted on an open forum? Wtf? I don't think anyone from here posted over there did they? But yet here you are? Snooping, lacking in empathy and behaving shamefully. Grow up.

You've highlighted it and you're using it like you'd watch animals in a zoo in some sort of behaviour experiment. It's abhorrent.

Autistic posters have come to this thread because people here posted a link to their support thread suggesting you read it for research, when the OP had specifically stated they were trying to create a safe space where posters felt comfortable to post for support away from exactly the type of discrimination and abuse that your whole thread here is based on.

Yet posters here thought it was appropriate to ignore that request - having apparently read the support thread and seen the relief and happiness of many posters to have a safe space created on Mumsnet to connect and talk - and link to the support thread from here, suggest it as good reading material for people who had been asked to leave it alone, which made many people there then feel uncomfortable about using the thread for support as a result.

Then posters here made disgusting comments trying about how it was "enlightening" to snoop on the support thread to try to justify their own disgusting prejudices because apparently autistic women sharing things with each other shows how we're incapable of "adulting" or caring for our children or have a "victim mentality" and are "ME ME ME". When in fact there's been no evidence of anything to suggest anything like that on the support thread whatsoever, anyway.

If you don't see why that's a problem then your empathy bypass is complete.

The posts here today from autistic posters were triggered entirely by this behaviour here. You were the ones invading other people's space. Maybe if you stop and leave the support thread in peace people won't feel the need to come here to rebut the horrible and intrusive posts being made about a thread that is nothing to do with you?

Exactly.

Dehumanising and shameful.

This is supposed to be a 'safe space' yet here you are. And calling it snooping to read threads posted on an open forum? Wtf? I don't think anyone from here posted over there did they? But yet here you are? Snooping, lacking in empathy and behaving shamefully. Grow up.

Maybe I missed it but I don't think anybody in the support thread posted a link to this thread and suggested people go and read it for research on NT behaviour (not that you'd be a very representative sample, thankfully). Or started saying how illuminating your thread was into how NT people are incapable of relationships or parenting etc.

People have come here because posters here invaded THEIR space and started making vile comments here about them. Even personal comments about the OP.

Please share your thoughts …
I feel so sick
I can not cope anymore with his inability to reflect on what he calls ‘ criticism ‘when it is a low level comment that is relevant to the fact that he has been lazy/ selfish or insensitive
I can not cope with having things turned around to be my fault
I can not cope with being the one to have given everything to have so little in return
I can not cope with living with someone who never grew up
I can not cope with someone who never wants to talk
I can not cope with someone who won’t cuddle me when I cry
I can not be with him anymore
but I’m scared Because I still love him I married to marry once
I don’t know what to do