Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

• without

Yes my man also gets super angry n upset if I criticise but he's very critical himself.. thing is he seems so sweet and stable at first !!

Yes I.feel this

Does anyone feel like their partner is stagnant to the date they met?…. Never grew up ?

Hello ladies

(My partner and I are both on the spectrum and have 3 kids but live apart.) I'm.adhd he's autistic. So..bit complicated. I know he struggles with executive functioning but I'm busy with kids and he wants mothering but won't admit it straight out! Do you partners of aspies often find them helping /mothering a lot but not.being appreciated and that partner isn't clear about needs either? Do your needs feel left out a lot ?

Women -we often seem to be giving too much with certain men..and them not even seeing it or appreciating it and still moaning?

I'm confused ..wheres the line?

He said.. "A relationship is meant to make your life easier " I.think he just wants a replacement mum.!!
It definately should make your life better , but easier? I'm not here to make things easier..not all men are like this but its a common thing right?

For those more experienced in relationships /with kids/older do you find your men can act like they.want you to be their mum? Its all to do with who their mum was I know ..I don't know, as she died before I met her. But I think she was very giving.

With.kids its a juggle! I.already have kids...Id like a partner not another kid.

Cleaning helping arranging, food and sex and really happy if your giving?
I used to give A LOT-lots of cooking..helping, complimenting his ego? sex ect. ...But we now have a little one so really can't do.anywhere near the same and its not reciprocal anyway (it is with sex) but I feel I'm.bleeding myself dry and he takes.
He doesn't help financially as we don't live together..he has daughter regularly though., but he should
He says?..
" he's a better dad than.most men" he says.
Is.it a red flag? Last week I Got his shopping , brought him lunch got him a present..and he still says all this. And is rude.. If.I complain.
He's also autistic so I let a lot go, but I have needs too. I'm.adhd. This makes the whole thing very confusing.
We are in.that phase where he's working loads n tired and I'm doing most child stuff and bored. both under appreciated maybe...😤😕😵‍💫
Maybe if.he said what he actually wants help with? But he needs to make effort too..but don't think.he's always able to.understand others needs , especially in.relationships.

Hi @PinkGirlpower there are a few of us who post regularly on our ADHD:ASD relationships. It's incredibly incredibly complex. We are all part nature part nurture and the more we live the less distinct those aspects of our characters become. Some of us of course could also be codependent.

Maybe if.hesaid what he actually wants help with he probably doesn't know, or perhaps can't articulate what he needs. Needs rather than wants to quote the Rolling Stones.

Personally I think a partner (male or female) should enhance your life.

Does he enhance yours?

About the phrase that "relationships should make life easier"- well that depends on the definition of 'easier' and most of all - it's not only his life that needs to be better. it's yours, too.

Is it? On balance?

Yes its so.incredibly complex ! Not sure I can dechipher it all!

Hey is there a thread on.that topic?x are you in.asd/adhd relationship ?

Not that I am aware about.
But a few of the posters on here actually ND (ADHD) or have a chronic illness (like myself)

I.think he just wants a replacement mum.!!

Ive been feeling like mum a lot if the time too.
The way I interpreted is that he played the helpless child - struggling with some tasks - so I stepped in the mother role to help him.
From organising any trip to teaching DH how to have a conversation with his dcs….

it was completely unhelpful.
He wanted the help but was resentful of it. I was getting annoyed at shouldering ALL the responsibilities.
Things got better when I stopped mothering him. There was an initial time when he struggled. Some stuff just stopped happening. But overall, it lead to a more harmonious situation

Things got better when I stopped mothering him. There was an initial time when he struggled. Some stuff just stopped happening. But overall, it lead to a more harmonious situation.

Same here. I'm here if he needs me. Otherwise I try not to mother him or interfere. I focus more on the kids and my friends. DH likes having more time to himself anyway.

He also likes having a chance to learn from his own mistakes without me taking over. It takes longer but it's worth it.

Hope everyone's okay today.

I found this (35 min) podcast interesting, particularly the discussion about different types of empathy.

If the link doesn't work try searching for 'How we Understand Autism' part of 'How We’re Wired' by The Bertarelli Foundation.

https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9vbW55LmZtL3Nob3dzL2hvdy13ZS1yZS13aXJlZC9wbGF5bGlzdHMvcG9kY2FzdC5yc3M/episode/Y2E1ZjA2MjUtMDU2YS00NGNmLTgyNWItYWY1YzAxNTA2M2Qx?ep=14

And in my case both ... yes I'm greedy 😁

What’s people’s thoughts on self care as a tool to manage the stresses? Because I believe I operate in a functioning depressive state mostly and have ‘ let myself go!’ As a result which further compounds things…

Self care is essential!
You need to do it for yourself though, not to try and make the situation/marriage better iyswim.

For me self care is looking at my needs and fulfilling them. So it might be

• seeing friends for connexion
• being outside/walking for stress
• seeing a therapist for my MH
• journalling around self compassion etc….
• acupuncture/Chinese medicine for my health/MH/general well-being

The better you feel in yourself, the better your life (regardless of your DH). And the easiest any decision of what to do re relationship will be too,

Self care is 100% essential. Essential.

It's essential. This is not a selfish thing at all: how can you support or help others when you're ground down yourself? The better question is how you make sure it happens. Perhaps that's what you need thoughts on.

nmyotherlifeiwasan · 27/03/2023 10:12
I’m really struggling. Constantly analysing the pros and cons of the relationship. Realising the surface level of it all and realising ‘ depth’ is never going to happen and not sure I can live without depth, but also not sure i can be without him

This sums it up perfectly.
My dp is comfortable with me now, so no longer masks. We talk a lot about how he see's things, and also things that upset him ( not me).
I'm beginning to feel lonely & unimportant. I have plenty of friends, but want to spend time with him, he needs his space!
I know he loves me & is a lovely man. It really messes with my head.

The better question is how you make sure it happens

This, what @TomPinch says.

@Joy69 I feel for you. I don't know if there is anything comforting to say because the tragedy is that sometimes even when there is much love between a NT/ND person, the differences are so great that connection/emotional needs cannot be met.

Does your partner know that he is ND? The biggest predicators for a successful NT/ND relationship come when the autistic person accepts they are autistic, realises there are differences in style and has the will to adapt his behaviour - and the other way around, the NT person accepts that they need to adapt some things, too. Skilled help can make all the difference.

From all I've seen and heard, some relationships can work well though they always have challenges. But the key is that both sides accept the situation for what it is, acknowledge and value their own needs and the needs of their partner and adapt.

I’ve got both as well! And infertility (recurrent losses) so it’s the lucky three in one.

All these stories might as well be me talking. I’ve been in similar contexts for 5-6 years now and I never stop finding it amazing how similar people’s experiences of our relationships are.

I’m just so done feeling lonely and unloved. I feel less lonely when I am alone than when I am with him.

The sheer fucking hypocrisy of it.