Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

I sometimes feel that when DW comes home she takes of her mask but that I am then forced to wear it. Instead of it being her method of interaction with the outside world it becomes the barrier between the two of us.

That’s an interesting comment @Daftasabroom .

I said something similar to my therapist. She didn’t get it. I don’t think many people do tbh.

I remember reading some Twitter thread with an autistic woman explaining how, when she is with friends she is always running a list if possibilities to check what is going on and how she is supposed to answer. She said ‘Having just being diagnosed, I learnt that this is not normal, and this is masking’
When I’m with DH, if I want to I prove my communication, avoid upset etc… I fell I need to do exactly that.
eg I’d like to know his plans for the weekend. I should think about what he will understand by plans. The think about what’s going on at the weekend and what is likely to have planned or not. Then realise that actually his plans are not yet set in stone. So I can’t ask him about his plans and I need to be more precise and ask him more specifically about this part if the weekend etc…

Is that not masking in reverse??

(I hope I’m making sense there!!)

That's really interesting @Daftasabroom and @WakingUpDistress. I'm relaxed and spontaneous with friends and colleagues but have to phrase things carefully with DH in order to not confuse or upset him. He needs very specific, thought out questions.

Grrrrr, just now:

Me: shall we go to xxx tomorrow (very outdoorsy)
DW: yes, but not if it's bucketing
Me: nope, bright and breezy with occasional showers
DW: but not if it's bucketing
Me: it won't be
DW: how do you know?
Me: I've checked the forecasts
DW: I'm not going if it's bucketing
This is on loop for at least five minutes.
Me: .......I lost my rag bit......

She will sit and watch all weekend just to make sure that it isn't bucketing. Then all of a sudden it's Sunday evening.

@WakingUpDistress I know what you mean, but I find so often nothing makes sense.

You know your conversation with your DW reminded me of DH. Last one was
Me- could you remind me the name if the blue flowers next to the stone Buddha?
Him- the little pink ones next to the compost bin? I don’t know.
Me- no, not those ones. The ones next to the Buddha stone statue
Him- oh you mean the heather?
Me- no the Heather is under the bird feeder and it’s dark pink. I mean the blue flowers on the left of the Heather. It’s unusual to see them at this time if the year. But I can’t remember its name.
Him- yay you’re right. I don’t think we normally have hyacinths so early on. I’m sure the blue hyacinths weren’t out just a couple of days ago. They are beautiful now aren’t they?

And yes the flowers were hyacinths….

Its amazing how when DH is focused on one thing (in this case the RH side if tte border), he just cannot switch his attention to the middle/LH side if he is somehow convinced this where he is supposed to look.
So he gets frustrated because he is somehow not giving the ‘right’ answer. I get frustrated because it feels like he is not listening…

@WakingUpDistress I'll have to look up the LH RH thing. We have conversations like this:

Me: where is the oojimaglip?
DW: in the kitchen
(I go to the kitchen)
Me: whereabouts in the kitchen?
DW: in the cupboard
Me: which cupboard?
DW: the wall cupboard
Me: which wall....
and on and on,

she could never say "middle shelf of the cupboard next to the cooker hood". It reminds me of the four candles sketch. Except when every single interaction is like this for over twenty years my patience is somewhat threadbare.

I'm not sure whether I'm living in a farce, a comedy or a tragedy. Perhaps all at the same time?

Oh my gosh I have the guessing games….. you just get so used to these conversations that you don’t recognise it as different…. It’s like an inquisition all the time.

And regarding the hyacinths…I was just astounded that he wanted to further discuss them, by asking ‘ they are beautiful aren’t they’ that wouldn’t have been my experience! .

Lol at inquisition for asking a question.
im wondering what you would have expected me to do @Inmyotherlifeiwasan?

How should have the conversation gone? The first two answers have to be the same.

Me- could you remind me the name if the blue flowers next to the stone Buddha?
Him- the little pink ones next to the compost bin? I don’t know.
Me- …..

Another one this morning:

Me: what time are you going to xyz?
DW: later

Grrrrr

I get it! "At some point today" is a common reply. It drives me up the wall. I frequently have to pull out the very basics on timeframes but have to be incredibly specific when arranging things.

Omg this is so my DH. We go from nirvana to apocalypse with no in-between. It's either incredible or horrific 😂🙄. Constantly having to highly the very large middle ground between the two.

I think for DW it's a habit derived from communication difficulties, probably from childhood. I suspect she got so frustrated misunderstanding the communication of others she developed this really vague form of expression. At times she will even say the opposite of what she means and expect me to understand.

Wakingupdistress
Sorry if there’s been confusion…. I meant by my reply , I live my life feeling like I set up an inquisition when having a basic conversation. And I was impressed that your conversation flowed as with my situation, it’s never expanded on…. Just the basics!…. There was genuinely no negativity meant x

Thank you @Inmyotherlifeiwasan
Appreciate you clarifying.

I think I’ve seen too many ‘outsiders’ coming and telling us we never do th8ngs right. I’ve become trigger happy!

@Daftasabroom

Me: where is the oojimaglip?
DW: in the kitchen
(I go to the kitchen)
Me: whereabouts in the kitchen?
DW: in the cupboard
Me: which cupboard?
DW: the wall cupboard
Me: which wall....
and on and on,

oh yes, THOSE “conversations”. This is todays….

Me: you’ve just been in the freezer, how many of those M&S sticky toffee puddings have we got?
H: 2
Me: is that 2 double packs?
H: (looking confused) what do you mean?
Me: well they are individual puddings, packed in two’s. So what I’m asking is how many packs of 2 are in the freezer?
H: well there’s one pack in there (waving vaguely at the fridge/freezer) and another in the freezer in the garage.
Me: so apart from the pack we’re eating today, there are 2 packs left.
H: (getting cross now) that’s not what I said, I’ve brought a pack in and it’s there (waving at the fridge freezer again) and there’s one pack outside.
Me: thank you. (And actually the pack he brought in is in the utility room, not in the f/f in the kitchen).
It’s painful. I wish I hadn’t asked

Gosh, my DH is infuriating too sometimes with the way he doesn't answer the question posed. Generally, I ask him a question, then he'll spend five minutes telling me a story about something or other, which I try not to interrupt so as not to be rude, then I have to ask the original question again. DH then gets annoyed with me, as I've had to ask him the same question again!

Yes no worries! I get that! :)

Can I ask people’s experiences of other half stating things such as ‘ I’m never going to be enough, you always say why didn’t I do this, why didn’t I say that….. ‘ and then feeling highly criticised over general things…. Makes me feel like an arsehole. When really I’m either pointing out they have been one, or they have done nothing and therefore probely an arsehole! ….. I sometimes wander If it’s a clever way to make me ask for or expect less…. Whist they seem genuinely distressed ( which feels so disproportionate) I do wander why they can’t just think…. Ok they need x that’s important to them…. I will now do x

Tbh I’m not sure what is the answer. I suspect that with DH, it’s a nice mix of autism and him being an arse.

eg I’ve been asking him like forever to let me know what he is doing at the weekend. He doesn’t (and doesn’t his dcs either btw). So I have to constantly ask because otherwise I would discover on Saturday am that he is away fur the weekend….
i think that’s his autism. A mix of struggling to understand that it’s not because something is obvious to him that others will know too. Plus he has made his plans and hates having to change them so it’s easier fir him as he doesn’t have to deal with the ‘but ….’.
This is a guy who at some point had some weekends planned a year ahead (and that couldn’t be changed)
So yes for me that’s his autism.

And then there is me wanting to use ‘posh’ plates for b’day meals etc… For 20 years, he has acted surprised and annoyed that I wanted to use them. For me that’s being an arse. He might not see the point but it’s a good enough reason to be grumpy about it every single time.

I’m really struggling. Constantly analysing the pros and cons of the relationship. Realising the surface level of it all and realising ‘ depth’ is never going to happen and not sure I can live without depth, but also not sure i can be without him

Yeah me too..can't decide !

It takes a long time and a lot of discussions and heartache to realise they are who they are and then the question comes…. I am who I am and need, connection. I’m heartbroken. I keep telling myself I can live with the depth of connection, because we laugh abit and he is very loyal. But he has never once once in over 20 years asked me my thoughts on something or reflected on a memory we share. I love him, he’s very kind… but when he’s feeling criticised … he seems a very bitter person

Um.YES!!! 10000% he feels manipulative but think he's just confused n stressed..can't decide!