Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Very strange way to title this thread. Should it not be "support for married couples, where one is neurotypical and the other is neurodiverse"?
It saddens me to think, just when society is moving ahead in understanding the many ways humans think, sense and behave, i then see a thread like this.
Being autistic is not the problem, it never is, it's being different from one another that causes difficulties.
I am autistic and find my neurotypical husband to be beyond strange at times. I could do with a thread that soley focusses on how to cope living with a neurotypical husband.
I am free, I say things as they are, I don't care for society's expectations, I am overly empathetic and sense/feel things so much more deeply than others. If somebody I don't know walks into a room, I can sense their personality instantly, I can become their best friend within half a minute, I know how to talk and what to talk to them about to engage their interest. I will know immediately what type of mood they are in, even though neurotypicals are known to hide their feelings, I will see through this immediately.
I can talk and talk about the most random of things to a stranger where my neurotypical husband is way more standoffish and sticks to the norm of weather talk and sports.
My neurotypical husband will see a sunny day and immediately announces we all must go outside and go for a walk, whereas I could find joy in walking in the rain just as much because it's all about what your body and mind wants in that moment, you cannot just expect everyone to want to go walking on a whim as the sun is out.
My husband sees something that needs to be done in the house but it will just be out off and go on a list..I, however, don't stop to think, if I see something needs doing, I am doing it right then and there..and I find it difficult to understand his way..
My husband will conform to society's expectations of everything..where I do what I need to do and can't understand why others wouldnt when we only have one life.
My husband has no problem in forcing our kids ro sit in a school class room for 7 hours even though our child might have had their limit of "socialising"..their limit of people and noise and movements, yet he would prefer them to become unwell mentally and physically rather than not attend. I couldn't care less about attendance. If they attend school feeling burnt out, there is no amount of information going into their brains. If they take a day mid week and recharge, they are rearing to go again but yet my husband is only focussed on attendance. I just don't get it. I am impulsive and very positive in my thinking and this is because I do what I want and don't care for the stupidity of society expectations. My husband however is very negative, always stressed with demands and I know he would be so much happier if he relaxed in life and stopped trying to conform so much, it's ridiculous.
I could go on and on but I hope you see that it is extra hard for an autism person to be married to a neurotypical person.
Just to add, my children are thriving and happy, my eldest is in her final year of uni..I have a professional job, where I am looked upon as an expert in my field. I don't want you thinking that we must just be layabouts as we behave and think differently, it couldnt be further from the truth. I am kind and bind with so many people daily. I think of others feelings more than my own because that's what interests me so much. My husband and neurotypical family members tell me to not be so trusting and keep my life private..but why?? Why?? Just why?? Why do neurotypicals have to be so strange when it comes to connecting with others, they are so private and secretive, I just don't get it because I am an open book

Loving your work.

I suspect a reverse perhaps?

My new-ish partner has recently been diagnosed with autism (high functioning). The more I get to know him the more I realise that the person he portrayed to be in the first year (positive, spontaneous, social, decisive) is not really there. It feels like I’m dating someone else…but I fell in love with him and I know deep down he’s a good person.
I’m struggling with his: negative outlook on almost every aspect of life, a certain level of contempt towards people in general, getting bored easily, getting irritated easily, his inability to make decisions (he explains it as not having any preferences what he wants to do), excessive worry, especially about money. He has poor self awareness and struggles to name emotions.
I know there isn’t a simple answer but which of the above may be autism related (and I guess quite fixed and unlikely to change)? Is there anything i can do to support him? I sometimes feel overwhelmed by it all and question the relationship …but he’s also very caring, empathetic and loving and would go out of his way to make sure I’m happy. He’s a very good father and a trustworthy person overall.

That’s not autism though. That’s someone who is autistic AND has a shit attitude.

i don’t think anyone has said that.

Before children my marriage was much much better. I was his special interest, then it became DS, now not really anything.

Incidentally to those with health issues. As someone who has really suffered from anxiety for last 5 years, once I told him it was over 75% of it melted away. We told DS and another 10% went. Now it's just momentary things like selling the house that stress me.
I'm fully convinced I can start to come off the meds once I move house
As an aside, my HBA1C has dropped 15 in less than 3 months....can't be a coincidence

Just because they can't help it, doesn't mean you have to live with it.

STBXH is a good man, pulls his weight around the house, will happily do anything I ask.

But years of no affection, conversation, laughter, enjoying each others company or communication have killed the love....and I really was madly in love with him.

I've been lonely, depressed, isolated, miserable, misunderstood, shit out for as long as I can remember and I finally found the spoons to call time.

It took me at least a year to make the decision and it was the hardest one ever, but the relief is palpable

😂

I've lurked on this thread for a long time now. It's given me feelings of both hope and despair. I'm sorry for everyone on here who is suffering.

I married DH in 2019 (second marriage for me, first for him, no kids) and since then things have gradually deteriorated. We were so in love and happy before.

He is so negative, inflexible and utterly lacking in empathy. He will tolerate no criticism and immediately turns it around on me. His behaviour can sometimes be almost to a point of cruelty and vindictiveness/spite. He's controlling and manipulative.

I am aware these are not symptoms of autism but he has 'classic' autistic symptoms in spades - he has the above in addition.

2 members of his immediate family have been diagnosed with ASC, though he doesn't feel he has it (I've very gently raised it, once). He had a difficult childhood with a complicated dynamic of guilt and blame, so he shows a lot of anxiety and defensiveness.

Sometimes I think he's a narcissist, sometimes autistic, sometimes just really horrible ( but I know it isn't that, not entirely anyway).

What I need is help in dealing with him. How to protect myself from the constant, low-level complaints accusations and criticisms, often disguised as questions or light hearted comments. I can't think of many examples right now (typically) but they're very domestic, tiny interactions but all make me feel I have to defend myself. It's like death by a thousand cuts. I'm trying different ways to respond to try to make him stop and/or protect myself. He speaks to me with a tone of contempt, of frustration and irritation. But he can also talk about how much he loves me and can write beautiful words to me. I just don't understand him.

I know autism doesn't equal horrible. I haven't mentioned his autistic traits because they're all classic signs, so I don't need to. But it seems he can also be awful and I don't know how much to attribute to lack of empathy/communication/social difficulties, versus how much I should be thinking he's just a horrible person.

I know this is a mess of thoughts, I'd be very grateful for any comments, thoughts, suggestions and interpretations!

@hidingoverhere i don’t know what to suggest.
Its extremely hard to see what is him being an arse and him struggling with autism and having developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.

What I’ll say though is that my experience is that the only way to protect yourself from ‘death by a thousand cuts’ is to leave. Or you can distance yourself from him but then love will be gone (see the opposite if live isn’t hate. It’s indifference).

The contempt, anger, frustration. That’s all his. His emotions to deal with.

@DeepThought42
You are extremely arrow minded and fixed in your thinking, I feel for your husband, you seem to have zero tolerance for his ways. How does he tolerate you?? The poor man has a lot to put up with. Not only does he live in a world that is mainly designed for neurotypicals, he also gets no break at home where he should be able to be himself, but from your writing, I think it would be impossible for this man to umask fully with you as you have no tolerance or respect for his ways.
Also, you completely, have missed the point of the post. There would be no need to start a new thread when it would be exactly the same as this one but just with more respect for neurodiverse partners. It's about respect and understanding, you should really work on getting to understand your husband.

@junglemaze Is that your idea of support? Interesting...

You seem to feel personally attacked but none of the posts on this thread are about you, are they?

I'm actually laughing at you accusing someone of missing the point of your post when you missed the entire point of this thread. And fyi there is a post in the ND section titled something like married to an NT support thread if you are looking for somewhere for support, I'm sure the posters there will help and support you through your marriage troubles, hopefully they will treat you will more compassion than you have shown anyone here.

@WakingUpDistress thank you for your reply. I've been distancing myself, I've realised, as a coping mechanism. It made us both miserable as he is very sensitive. It drove him mad wondering what was wrong (and I am always banging on about talking about feelings). But telling him is not really an option as he can't take the perceived criticism!

Leaving doesn't feel like something I am ready to do. Is there a good way to respond to him when he makes such subtle digs/complaints? I wonder if calling him out on it or completely ignoring the undertone would work. It just feels exhausting though.

The criticism thing fascinates me. Why does my DH think he is above critical at all time on all matters?

When I point out “you promised me “love and cherish” and you break that vow every day” he gets ridiculously cross.

But he does, I give evidence of it and me presenting evidence of his bad behaviour is, apparently, manipulative and bullying.

”why? It is a reasonable expectation that you will participate in this marriage. Why is pointing out that you may as well have left me abusive?”

no answer. Then a month of withdrawal which isn’t a huff or sulking, I think it’s autistic meltdown. And then round we go again.

ans yet, he does not want the marriage to end? Why?

I think I do want it to end. It is hard work trying to keep a marriage alive with only oaccaisonal flashes of fun

@stealtheatingtunnocks I don't want my marriage to end, I want it to be what I was promised.

@junglemaze I'm actually really enjoying your posts. They could be one of the cleverest reverses I've seen but I don't think so. Actually your invalidation of the feelings of others completely validates the vast majority of the posts on these threads.

It goes something likes this:

A: please stop criticizing me and telling me I'm wrong all the time, it's really damaging and I often find I'm scared to tell you things that are important and deeply effect me.
B: don't be ridiculous, I'm completely entitled to say whatever I think. The fact that I only ever criticize you shows how inadequate you are.
A: I'm off to MN to find some small solace in those that are going through the same thing.
C: [on MN] I can't believe people in relationships with autistic partners want some equality and connection. I know they may have been promised xyz but it's ridiculous we should ever have to take the needs of our partners into consideration.

Rinse repeat.

@DeepThought42 one of the things I see time and time again on some the posts here, particularly first timers or relative (always welcome) newbies is how raw the incredibly difficult and conflicting emotions are displayed. The language used, sometimes clumsy, sometimes borderline, often conflicting must be difficult to readers who don't see the pain and complexity our relationships can cause.

I sometimes feel that when DW comes home she takes of her mask but that I am then forced to wear it. Instead of it being her method of interaction with the outside world it becomes the barrier between the two of us.